[Tailspin]

Wife seemed almost elated when the call was done and settled. Kind of made me ill. Is this really a happy time? Have others seen this?

There is nothing happy about it but I guess MLCs have blocked their feelings and she is probably just excited about the big huge check coming her way. I only had tears in my eyes for hours after the call. Crushed again.

My wife has been like this from the start.  Even when we told our kids about the divorce, she acted like it was just one more thing crossed off her list.  I went in the garage and cried for 20 minutes and she acted like it was all normal.  Everything to her is another step toward her new life.  No emotions or feelings.  Just me, me, me, me 
I feel your pain.  I'm done in end of January, and all my wife tells the kids is that her life will be awesome when she gets her money from the house and my bank accounts.  She never contributed a dime but reaps the benefits.  I'm just a check to her now. 

[Reinventing]

Hello,

Yes, in their minds the equation is: we = all their problems.

So they feel freedom when we are no longer in the picture.

That's why we step away so with time and space they realize that we are not = all their problems. Because of course real life and consequences are still there even when we are not part of the picture.

Read Kell Bell's tag under her posts.

[JohnnyBravo]

Nothing really meaningful to contribute, but at least you're through this part and don't have to do it again. I think my settlement process was a little easier for me because my ex-wife had already moved out of state, and that was the big blow. The settlement was more tying up loose ends for me.

Hang in there...

JB

[Atari25]

Nothing really meaningful to contribute, but at least you're through this part and don't have to do it again. I think my settlement process was a little easier for me because my ex-wife had already moved out of state, and that was the big blow. The settlement was more tying up loose ends for me

My wife has been gone for almost a year also - I think more than anything it was just a worry about my own financial security and keeping the house for the kids and I - I am very close to my neighbors also. Right now, nothing is more important to me. It's going to be tight with a very big mortgage but it is what it is.

Hello,

Yes, in their minds the equation is: we = all their problems.
So they feel freedom when we are no longer in the picture.
That's why we step away so with time and space they realize that we are not = all their problems. Because of course real life and consequences are still there even when we are not part of the picture.
Read Kell Bell's tag under her posts.

Thank you. I have learned this over the last year. I am getting stonger and more confident every day.

[Atari25]

My wife has been like this from the start.  Even when we told our kids about the divorce, she acted like it was just one more thing crossed off her list.  I went in the garage and cried for 20 minutes and she acted like it was all normal.  Everything to her is another step toward her new life.  No emotions or feelings.  Just me, me, me, me 
I feel your pain.  I'm done in end of January, and all my wife tells the kids is that her life will be awesome when she gets her money from the house and my bank accounts.  She never contributed a dime but reaps the benefits.  I'm just a check to her now.

It truly is bizarre but as I have learned this year, they suppresses their feelings. I cannot do this but MLCs can and do it well. Meanwhile like you - I am in tears.   

I can't imagine the pain of your wife saying "things will be awesome with the money" to your kids - so cold and heartless. At least mine doesn't do that. Is the divorce final in January?

When they first leave they feel a sense of relief. They have been thinking about this for longer than we care to think about so they are way ahead of us, but they also don't do the work. We feel the pain right away and they suppress. I think if they are still in There somewhere and are left to live this life they think they want they will feel things much later.

I think you are right and there is absolutely no work being done on her side while I am in therapy.

Some day they will regret and my mission is to build a strong and better life than ever. Stronger relationships, stronger family. I am so sad underneath and I don't think that will change, only fade slowly.

Well said - thank you.

[beyondblessed]

Atari, from a sample of one perspective, my xh has just recently been telling a few people what regret he has over what he's done.  We have had NO contact whatsoever for at least the past 5 years, so who truly knows what he thinks or feels, and to be quite frank, at this point, I really couldn't care less.  We are coming up on 9 years since his MLC meltdown, if that tells you anything about how slowly things move in their new found "freedom". 

 Your plan of building your best life is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.  The rest will take care of itself.  Merry Christmas and best wishes for you in the coming year!

[Evermore]

Some day they will regret and my mission is to build a strong and better life than ever. Stronger relationships, stronger family. I am so sad underneath and I don't think that will change, only fade slowly.

Hi Atari. This is a fabulous mission. And the only thing I can tell you for certain is that it WILL fade. I would have bet a ton that it wouldn’t fade for me. But it has. Yes, very, very, very slowly. But it has. Concentrate on building your new life. It will happen and you’ll be able to breathe easily again one day. I promise.

[Atari25]

Atari, from a sample of one perspective, my xh has just recently been telling a few people what regret he has over what he's done.  We have had NO contact whatsoever for at least the past 5 years, so who truly knows what he thinks or feels, and to be quite frank, at this point, I really couldn't care less.  We are coming up on 9 years since his MLC meltdown, if that tells you anything about how slowly things move in their new found "freedom". 
 Your plan of building your best life is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.  The rest will take care of itself.  Merry Christmas and best wishes for you in the coming year!

Thank you, same to you. 2025 has to be better - I keep telling myself this!! 

Hi Atari. This is a fabulous mission. And the only thing I can tell you for certain is that it WILL fade. I would have bet a ton that it wouldn’t fade for me. But it has. Yes, very, very, very slowly. But it has. Concentrate on building your new life. It will happen and you’ll be able to breathe easily again one day. I promise.

Still a ways to go but yes, working on it - signing papers and probably having to see her next month, it's going to rip open some wounds I suspect. I have already started waking up again at night in anticipation. 

Still so hard to believe this is my life now. I'm so happy you are healing. It gives me hope.

[Atari25]

I have not been on in several months but a big update.. all the legal paperwork is done and 26 1/2 years of marriage is over.

I thought this day would be a very sad one but it's not so bad. I am ok with it, I still love my wife and I wish things were different but between therapy, a lot of learning (reading) and time I have grown to accept what has happened and I am almost looking forward to what's next.  It's time to move on to the next chapter of my life.

A few things I would say to people at earlier stages of experiencing a spouse in MLC

1. Go no contact if they leave. This was by far the best advice I could have gotten.
2. Work on yourself. You see it said all the time - not easy but 100% true. I am a stronger and better person today.
3. Therapy - if you can afford it or have benefits that cover, do it! Talking things out helps sooo much.
4. Be patient. It takes time and you can't rush it.

I am not 100% but I feel like I am 90% ok now. I am so grateful to my friends, family and people here for all their help and encouragement. We can all get through it, I had my doubts at times but I know now I will be ok. For the first time in 2 years I feel good about my future, I only wish the same for everyone else here!

[STP]

Atari25,

I'm 8.5 years ahead of you in the process and I can tell you life is amazing for me now. It will be for you too. There's a lot to do and see and be happy about. 90% is very good!

Keep on livin' it up and enjoy!