[Atari25]

From everything I read it's a long haul yes. Do you think there is hope based on where I'm at?

I'll be blunt - you are at the starting gate  of a 7-year+ slog. How it will end is anyone's guess. It will depend on how willing your Mid-Lifer is to really come to grips and get help for the issues that have caused the problems (FOO) in the first place.  That means that she will have to take responsibility for her actions and for the consequences of her actions. The 25K$ is a perfect example. That is something that will have to be recovered at some point. Unfortunately, at this point, unless you get some sort of written document that says you were separated as of such and such a date (before she raided the Crown Jewels) you are likely stuck with half of that debt, depending on the laws where you live.

As far as the lawyer consult goes, you need to know what options you have going forward. Things like joint debt, ownership of the house, spousal support, college tuition costs for your kids, the applicability of legal separation vs. a full-blown D, whether or not you can change the locks (seriously - in some places you can't if she is on the mortgage or deed), what it is going to cost you if you have to go the D route....

This is all information that you do not need to act on immediately but it is information that is important for you to have.... Knowledge is power and information allows for informed decision making

I can't change the locks but I will be asking all the other questions for sure. I already pay the whole mortgage and I support the kids in school. I will probably have to take over the utilities but that's the least of my worries.

You are right though, information is power.

[Atari25]

Use your therapist for emotional support and your lawyer for the legal aspects and try not to confuse their roles with how you spend your time with them. Lawyers are very expensive untrained therapists- so keep the business side separate from the healing side.

You are collateral damage and as Marvin says, you cannot nice them out of it. I would bet that over 95% of us look back and wish we had invested our energy in our own healing and kids if they are a part of the picture as opposed to focusing on the MLCer. The sooner you look the reality of the now head on, the sooner you will find your center. The concept of standing at this point is to find your center and reach a point in the journey where you consistently respond instead of react.

Do find out from your lawyer what boundaries you can establish in terms of her waltzing in and out of the home with or without warning. Find out if your state has a legal separation status or not. Find out where you stand in terms of health insurance for you, spouse and kids. If you have a child applying for FAFSA tuition forms find out how her abandonment affects the numbers you put down. Be clear on auto insurance and know if you are on the hook if she has an accident. Ask about her responsibility for utilities and property taxes. How will you file for 2023 income tax? What should you know going forward in terms of 401k contributions and if those funds would or would not be split? Is your state divorce based on 50/50 or need or educational attainment or current lifestyle? Basically, what are you on the hook for if it all goes south? Should you have her sign a document stating the date that she left the marital home?

You are VERY wise to get counseling as this may well be the worst experience you´ll ever have in your life. Do avoid conversations that may lead to her saying things that will reverberate in your head to the end of time. Just because some of what they say isn´t true doesn´t mean that it doesn´t hurt.

Don´t use alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism. Do use exercise and time in nature to cope. Do not open the dating world door until you are well-healed and resolved about your decisions to stand, reconcile or divorce.  Remember that your kids though young adults are experiencing abandonment and likely do not have the emotional took kit to deal. They would also benefit from counseling.

The only way past it is through it but you will make progress and haul yourself out of the morass.

I have completely avoided alcohol and drugs. Alcohol makes me ill right now, it doesn't make me feel better. The gym is literally the only thig making me feel a little better.


I live in Canada so some of those things you mention don't apply here. I already paid for most of the house and kid expenses. If it goes to divorce she will get 1/2 the house and 1/2 the retirement funds. Not much I can do.

I will offer the kids counseling, that's a good idea. They seem sad but fine but, who knows. 

 I did learn over the past few months that being nice does nothing. She says I am smothering her. Clearly my kindness pushed her away if anything. It's just so hard to understand how the nice wife I had a year ago turned into a crazy person so fast. I don't feel like I even know her anymore. Heartbreaking..

As much as I didn't want to talk to a lawyer (because it made me face reality?), it did ultimately help me feel like I was doing something useful and proactive for myself, and that I was taking control of my personal future, even if there would no longer be an "our future." My lawyer was sympathetic but knew the realities of the legal landscape.

JB

That's my thinking also. Thanks.

[Atari25]

Also take good care of yourself. Mentally and physically and spiritually  The next 6-10 months will be hardest ones of your life, so prioritize your well-being. Anxiety is common (until you truly learn to separate what you control and what you do not), so are anger, frustration, despair and even love. The more you can keep your eyeballs on you and your own emotional wellbeing, the less you will hurt. And don't worry if you fail, everyone here has failed time and again...  slow down whenever you can. There is no rush anywhere (it's just the discomfort of anxiety that's making it feel like you need to act asap).

It is also good to acknowledge this is not about you. You cannot push her out of this. And you cannot nice her out. She is going through a personal crisis, and it will end only when she hits the bottom and wants out of it (and sadly it can take years and years, possibly forever).  Sadly her crisis has created another crisis for you and your family. It is something you can control.Focus on resolving it.

How to navigate through .... It seems keeping future talks on strictly business (kids, logistics etc) from this point onwards is best route for many. She is not telling you everything, and you need to learn the same. Avoid personal relationship talks with her. For yourself find a good therapist, also feel free to vent here. For myself journaling was and is a lifesafer in organizing my chaotic thoughts.

Last but not least, be there for your children. Even if they are on early stages of adulthood, they will need support and love of a sane parent possibly more than ever.

Hugs and strength,
Alvin

Thanks Alvin. Good advice.

Why will the next 6-10 months be hard, I kind of thought they might be a good cooling off time after run up to her leaving?

I have not spoken with her in 2 weeks+ now.

What should I journal?

[AlvinTheMaker]

.

Why will the next 6-10 months be hard, I kind of thought they might be a good cooling off time after run up to her leaving?

I have not spoken with her in 2 weeks+ now.

First, human mind is slow on catching up with changes. They say there is at least a 3 month learning/adoption curve to new situations and changes. Some say breakup/divorce is like small death, and there is lot of true in it imho. Emotions come and go during that time, and you will have your own emotional rollercoaster to deal with.

Second, unless your W is a vanisher, you will encounter bat$h!te crazy moments when she does things that will trigger you one way or another.  On paper 50/50 split with finances, estate and custody sounds easy, but in practice it can be really hard if the other party is not acting sanely.The stories other LBS share here are filled with hundreds of crazy examples.

.
What should I journal?

I don't think there is right or wrong way of doing it. My personal journal had entries with bullet points, long text, short text, drawings, events, summaries of useful items etc.... Journaling/writing is just one of the many psychologically proven ways for decluttering and organizing complex thoughts and emotions.

Hope this helps.

Alvin

[Atari25]

First, human mind is slow on catching up with changes. They say there is at least a 3 month learning/adoption curve to new situations and changes. Some say breakup/divorce is like small death, and there is lot of true in it imho. Emotions come and go during that time, and you will have your own emotional rollercoaster to deal with.

Second, unless your W is a vanisher, you will encounter bat$h!te crazy moments when she does things that will trigger you one way or another.  On paper 50/50 split with finances, estate and custody sounds easy, but in practice it can be really hard if the other party is not acting sanely. The stories other LBS share here are filled with hundreds of crazy examples.


I don't think there is right or wrong way of doing it. My personal journal had entries with bullet points, long text, short text, drawings, events, summaries of useful items etc.... Journaling/writing is just one of the many psychologically proven ways for decluttering and organizing complex thoughts and emotions.

Hope this helps.
Alvin

It all helps Alvin thanks. I truly appreciate it.

You are right, it does take time for things to sink in and I am very much expecting more crazy talk and incidents. It all feels like a dream, I guess reality sinks in slowly.

I bought a small journal - I will take your advice and write down some feelings and thoughts.  One thing I have noticed is my feelings and views of the situation are still very fluid and more happens and I speak and hear from more people.

[WHY]

I’m two years in. It’s still a dream.   Being “ghosted” by W after 20 years.   I’ll never wrap my head around it….

[Atari25]

I’m two years in. It’s still a dream.   Being “ghosted” by W after 20 years.   I’ll never wrap my head around it….

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Is she with someone else now?

I'll be blunt - you are at the starting gate  of a 7-year+ slog. How it will end is anyone's guess. It will depend on how willing your Mid-Lifer is to really come to grips and get help for the issues that have caused the problems (FOO) in the first place.  That means that she will have to take responsibility for her actions and for the consequences of her actions. The 25K$ is a perfect example. That is something that will have to be recovered at some point. Unfortunately, at this point, unless you get some sort of written document that says you were separated as of such and such a date (before she raided the Crown Jewels) you are likely stuck with half of that debt, depending on the laws where you live.

I spoke with a lawyer - she went through everything. I feel better now. She has no access to any more money or credit.

I'm not doing anything further until I hear from her. I promised my daughter I would try again to get her into therapy and continue with a trial separation for now. It's only been 4 weeks. I know she is not going to change course or see anyone but I feel like I have to try anyway,

[Atari25]

Updates

Therapy has been good - I'm truly trying to understand why this has happened. If for no other reason to help me to stop blaming myself. I keep going back in time to things I should have done or could have done, needs to stop. Therapist has been awesome.

No word directly from my wife. I have heard through my daughter she is settled in to her apartment. She went on a long weekend trip to Punta Cana last week and posted glamor shots with her friend from the pool and beach, nice thing to do right after you have left your family.  My daughter is seeing how truly narcissistic she is.

She was hit this week with another eye infection but can't blame me this time. I'm hoping the her time alone makes her realize what she left behind and how much we all did for her.

[AlvinTheMaker]

I keep going back in time to things I should have done or could have done, needs to stop.

There is no need to be too hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, even when we try our best. IMHO the fact you are reviewing your past, and learning from past mistakes shouts aloud you are not the bad guy.  In a way your brain is now trying to figure out what way is up and what way is down. Rely on your instinct here.

Alvin

[Atari25]

There is no need to be too hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, even when we try our best. IMHO the fact you are reviewing your past, and learning from past mistakes shouts aloud you are not the bad guy.  In a way your brain is now trying to figure out what way is up and what way is down. Rely on your instinct here.

Alvin

Thank you.

Things keep getting more bizarre and worse for my wife. OMG what is happening?? I can't make this stuff up.

Last week her eye infection came back and she was in crisis, begging my daughter to bring her to the eye doctor because she couldn't see. She was unable to work all week and was absolutely miserable.

Yesterday she got into a car wreck and is in the hospital. Passed out driving back from seeing her brother 3 hours away. Car is probably a write off and she is still in the hospital having tests done. No idea why a healthy 52 year old would faint in the car... she seems so confused. My daughter is with her. I feel like everything is spinning completely out of control. I am writing this with tears in my eyes. I want to help her....