[Reinventing]

Please don’t feel ashamed or as if anyone here is rolling their eyes. It isn’t your shame to carry, it’s his. And every single LBS here, every one of us, at least for a little while, tolerated some kind of abusive behaviour from our spouse that we never imagined we would.

Agreed. We are not rolling our eyes. We want you and your kids to be safe.

[UrsaMajor]

On the recent fight day I trued to push him away as he was towering over my son and intimidating him. My elder one says I should not have done that.

By doing things like this, you a) put yourself in harms way and H has proven that he has the impulse control that God gave a turnip and b) you are initiating a physical altercation yourself with him which, in turn, lowers his threshold to respond with physical violence.

Physical abuse, whether it is once in a blue moon or every week or whatever, is abuse. Period. The frequency is irrelevant... It is never acceptable.

Please, do not see this as an eye roll. What I am trying to get across is the severity of the situation. Once the border to physical violence has been crossed, it becomes easier and easier to cross it again.

H's behavior towards your kids, specifically towards your and the youngest as you describe it, tells me all I need to hear to know that you and your kids are living in danger. the time to get out of danger is now.... before something happens....

[Nas]

Why did I not call it out ?  It was not an everyday affair or something he did regularly,  in these 25yrs we've been together he has done this very rarely maybe 5 or 6 times…

I’m definitely not fuming or rolling my eyes. I am, however, strongly remembering where I was at the time I could have made a similar statement to this.
I specifically only quoted the part of your statement referring to pre-BD. I could list out all the ways that abusers shift and mold the dynamic so that exactly this happens: their abuse gets normalized as just something that happens every so often, nothing to be alarmed about, he very rarely gets physical. It’s insidious, all the other ways that it seeps in and conditions us to “just live with it.“ The subtle language tricks, the financial abuse, the coercive control, the isolation, the cutting down and then occasionally building up, but doing it in a way that lets us know that they are the only one that sees that in us… all of that culminates in this idea that we are not actually being abused, we are getting exactly the relationship we deserve and no more and no less.
I’m going to really implore you at this point to let go of the idea of “MLC“ (at least for now) and just see this as a man whose abuse tactics have ramped up at this time in his life, regardless of what age he happens to be and whatever “reasons” contribute to this ramp up. Five or six times over 25 years is far too much. One time over 25 years is far too much. And one day, when you are ready, you will look back and realize that in between those five or six times, he was not an emotionally intelligent, supportive partner engaging with you in healthy communication and mutual respect but then, oops, a couple of times he switched from that into someone who would be abusive. The times in between, the abuse was  in the form of conditioning, preparing you to minimize and accept at least partial blame for the next time that it was loud and overt.

I am glad that you asked him to leave, but I truly encourage you to reach out to whatever resources you have near you, a counselor, a domestic violence center, your primary care doctor even (they can refer you to resources), so that you can form a plan because as you say, he’s still there and he’s not going to do anything that benefits anyone but him. Control, even when it’s not glaringly obvious, is something he is not going to let go of.

[Lostinthewoods]

On the recent fight day I trued to push him away as he was towering over my son and intimidating him. My elder one says I should not have done that.

By doing things like this, you a) put yourself in harms way and H has proven that he has the impulse control that God gave a turnip and b) you are initiating a physical altercation yourself with him which, in turn, lowers his threshold to respond with physical violence.

I understand this now, it is a learning for me. Will never go close to him when he is drunk and when he is angry , distance is my mantra from now on.
I think he is totally depressed, he shouted at my younger one again today- reason he wanted to eat biscuits q few hours before dinner , dinner was not ready it would take a few more hours to prepare , I just told him not to shout from a distance.
Thank you Nas, for being so clear , yes what you said about him not being available emotionally is so true and there were definitely subtle forms of abuse like biting the teeth or showing irritation. Then I stop, knowing that I should not upset him. There have been days I've let myself go, but like you said when I look back it was not communicative or healthy

I am not upset with any of your advice, always happy to learn and grow.
I only said that because I know that probably you may not understand why I am in this relationship. Some of my friends wonder too.

[Nas]

On the recent fight day I trued to push him away as he was towering over my son and intimidating him. My elder one says I should not have done that.

By doing things like this, you a) put yourself in harms way and H has proven that he has the impulse control that God gave a turnip and b) you are initiating a physical altercation yourself with him which, in turn, lowers his threshold to respond with physical violence.

I understand this now, it is a learning for me. Will never go close to him when he is drunk and when he is angry , distance is my mantra from now on.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to harp on this, but this is an example of normalized abuse. This is part of how we get conditioned to explain away and accept abuse. Do you see how you're taking on blame for his action: "He hit me because I was standing close enough for him to hit me." No. He hit you because he's abusive. Statements like "You put yourself into harm's way" get internalized into self-blame for our own abuse. The reality is there shouldn't be a "harm's way." HE creates "harm's way" when in fact, your physical being has the right to be anywhere without worrying that being there will get you punched in the face.

[Dragonfly33]

Lost I am really worried for you and your kids. Please find a place where you can go and stay safely. DO NOT wait until it happens again. It sounds to me that you are living in fear by saying you stay away from him when he's drunk. This is not the solution. I am worried for the safety of your children. For now he is hurting you. What will happen if he starts hurting your children. This is very very bad for the mental health of your kids, them seeing you being physically violated by your husband. I hope you have somewhere to go where you are safe. Whether midlife crisis or not physical violence is a NO go.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you Nas and Dragonfly. I understand that this is unhealthy. I did talk to a lawyer. Like I said right now my prospects are low. Since I'm working the court will not grant a great alimony. Yes if I'm prepared to take the tough route and ok with downsizing completely I can do it.
I have asked him to leave. Multiple times I've made it clear to him that I do not want this kind of relationship with him. And during the last fight I did tell him i will go to the authorities if he hits me again. I have drawn a hard boundary and I think he knows that. I will be safe I know that.
I've gone completely dark on him. Absolutely no conversations. We do not even have dinner together. As he has it at his desk and me by myself. This is ok by me right now. It does hurt but I am able to tide over. I read, watch movies and keep myself busy doing something or just lazing. I will journal my journey as I progress.
I am hoping to grow stronger. Well stronger is relative because I feel I am stronger than I was at BD . I now have the courage to ask him to leave. Before I was scared he will leave. I wish someday I will be able to live a life without compromise.

Just a few update
He is talking to the kids again ( they had to talk to him first  )
Very limited conversations though.
He tells me about important things I either nod or respond with hmm . If I need further clarifications I ask.
He has stopped taking me out. I don't ask to go out either. We used to do that often. Even though we did not talk too much.
Just getting on with my life.
I will not take physical abuse ever again. I did it but not anymore.

[Lostinthewoods]

Good morning to my dear friends,
Just updates and Journaling
For the past few days he has been warming upto the kids, talking a pinch more than the week after the fight.
He responds to any questions I ask even if I ask the kids and he has the answer.
Started talking a little more to me. ( I've just stepped back. Not getting pulled into the drama again.)
I exist in my own circle not interested in inviting him in at this point.
He started cooking dinner again ( he had stopped during the week of the fight)
My conclusion for the time being: extremely childish, does not want to take accountability for his actions.
Wants to do what he wants.
I've stopped caring anymore,
I am clear what I want in any relationship( with him or otherwise)
Not looking for anything else ,want to recoup and build myself.
This is me at 4 years after BD

[Dragonfly33]

Lostinwoods good to hear your update. However, I see a different dynamics here. Your h is being manipulative here. He acts ok again after hitting you so you think he‘s being kind to keep you in the loop. From my cheap seats here and from what I read in your last post, I think you are scared of stirring the situation so you try not to cause any problem thus doing your own thing. I feel so bad for your kids to be honest. The trauma they have to endure in this kind of environment is not reversible and this will affect them immensely in their adulthood.

I hope one day you will have the courage to leave your husband.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you Dragonfly for your perspective and encouragement. This is what I love about this place. There is no judgement or aprehending. Just concern and perspective from outside the MLC/whatever Box.
I agree with you regarding his manipulation. I am becoming more and more aware of unhealthy behavious. I wish I had known all this all those years ago when I thought that this was his way of showing love. ( how foolish ) had I known maybe i would have seen the red flags and started laying my boundaries. But alas that is not to be.
I wish they teach these things to our kids when they are in undergrad atleast. Helping each of us to understand personalities .
Only after BD did I read and come across all this .
I am maintaining peace because there is no better way out. I am not the chaser anymore,  nor is he. Maybe one day I will be courageous enough to say Enough.
Sadly That day is not today.
Incident
Yesterday my son asked him to take him on a drive. He said OK.  Like I said I have not been talking to him. He leaves home without saying anything,  I settled down to watch Netflix.
He came back in a few mins and my son kept asking me to join to which I refused and they did not go out and he slept from abt 4.30 to 7.30