[in it]

More bread crumbing from the sounds of it. Candy, a monitor,  invites you to watch a match. .Just enough to keep you somewhat engaged and try to assuage his guilt.

 Stay detached and good job not waiting by the door for his return. The world doesn't revolve around him.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you init, yes I feel proud, it is really a long journey to get to this place, I am glad that I have come across the narcissistic personality articles.
Helped me understand most of his behaviours. I have searched myself so much to understand where I had gone wrong , or what went wrong, now I know there was nothing I could have done differently,  I knew what I wanted in a partner, if he lied and showcased a different person not my mistake.
I really wish he had been honest with me. I would have made informed choices. Well just a little bit of regret.
Realisation,  acceptance comes at a snails pace.
Detachment takes even longer. I am waiting for the day when my heart will feel nothing, joy , pain nor sorrow,  plain indifference. Oh what joy that day will be.

[in it]

You can't get expect honesty from a liar. Well you can, but if you believe him you'll be mislead and disappointed.

And no, there's not a thing you could have done for this to be any different.

You aren't to blame for this. This is entirely his fault. So work on dumping any guilt you might feel.
Stay out of the FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.

He's dug himself a deep hole, don't jump in there with him.

[Lostinthewoods]

Alright folks,
Some updates, my son has joined college,  as of now he is absolutely loving it as he got the exact course he wanted ( God winks). I thank God everyday.
He paid up the fees on the last day, he stays with my son in a different state.
He tried pretending like everything was normal, I tried to be normal (not possible)
He called for 2 weeks , came home to visit my younger one and me. I was not too friendly, I do not initiate any calls, if he calls I have a normal conversation. He used to call everyday, tillone time when he came home i was not friendly with him, I just went back to being the silent stranger. I realised if I don't question him or sweep everything under the carpet he will behave normally even to being a family. I am unable.to ler it go since he has not stopped sending money , shares his finances or his phone.
He is not talking to her ( he has not told me , he told my son). I do not find any proof of any conversation between them (I know I should not snoop, but I couldn't help) she had tried messaging him from different numbers. Some of them.remained unread, but ii did see the transfers.
The other night he tells.me
If you love me, buy me a xxxx bike, this was coming from.someone who claimed he dis not know what love was. I wanted to give it back but kept quiet.
He complained to me about someone who disconnected the phone on him( he did the same thing many times to me.during thr first 3 years and caused ne pain)
He apparently called them and asked for a response.
He tells.me he cannot plan anything as my son does not plan and tell him anything( I just responded back saying "mirror mirror")
Ive noticed He mirrors.my behaviour, if I talk and behave normally he does thevsame, if I withdraw he does the same.
He makes sure he gets things I like to eats and cooks what I want.
I also got to know.he has got a rpay raise pretty good amount, he has not told me,  I feel sad, I also know it's not in my control.
I am pathetic at giving truth darts,  any help will be appreciated.
I am not able to be normal with him , am I not wrong. This.is.what I feel.
I want assurances and actions that matter not this superficial talks.
BYW , whenever he cones here he is still on the couch , I did not call him to come to bed(not my earlier self) I would have melted with his talks. I'm hurt too much.
 I am just watching from a distance and protecting my poor heart from being trampled upon again. ( lot of self talk - i tell myself that this is not real and remind myself of all that he is doing)I do not know where this will lead, this is where I am now
What do you all think of all this,

[in it]

Hi Lost in the Woods,

Good to hear from you.

Him still being on the couch is a good thing. And you are right-  it's a big old rug sweep.

 Some think the passing of time undoes the damage. And they don't need to take any action or any accountability or answer any questions. And that with time you will forget. If you don't ask any questions he can just pretend everything is okay. And if you do it's like you have no right to question them..sometimes it brings out monster. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic. You should be able to ask him anything and get an honest calm  answer.

As far as the "If you loved me you'd buy me" That's trying to run a guilt trip. If I were you I wouldn't buy him anything. I honestly thought that it was  his attempt at humor. Sure, lie ,cheat, physically abuse you and do whatever else and you get rewarded for the behavior.

He tells your son he's not talking to her so it will get back to you. He's probably lying to your son about it too. If you are doing things out of character for you ( checking his phone etc) You still have no trust as well you shouldn't. Again it's not a good relationship if you feel a need to check his phone..

Someone disconnected his phone?
 He did that to you?( It's hard to believe he may have forgotten that since he did that to you a whole lot of times.)
-What goes around comes around. Boo Hoo. (not)

He's far from being honest or transparent about finances with the pay raise and other things . So there's no trusting him  there.

Protect your heart, and as long as he's not confusing you much, use your head. Keep working on detaching.

In It

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you init for writing back and the encouragement .
I do not trust him at all. I'm just being there as I have some milestones to achieve.
I have started feeling more at peace now. He is going to be in a different state for 4 years at leasr, that's a long time for growth for myself. I do not expect any truth from him. I do not react, just respond with hmm or an appropriate answer. This is my mantra for survival now. I am slowly ( I know some of might think that the snail is faster) detaching, I keep envisioning how I will live without him in my life, it does not seem a very tough task, right now it would be good to have 2 parents to parent the kids.
And oh boy I'm not getting carried away by the "if you love me', buying him nothing, zero, zilch, not even a shirt. Done with that thoughtful gifting rubbish.  He used to make me feel childish for expecting gifts when he returned from overseas, or birthday or Christmas.  I used to buy for all of them, even my in-laws and got nothing much in return. He thought it was pointless to buy gifts as we brought stuff whenever we wanted, he only wanted to make BBQ and drink on those special occasions. He used to tell its the actions that matter and not these meaningless things.
He thought his presence was a gift ( I thought the same too  ) till I knew I wasn't childish.
Yes he is not honest, nor does it look like he wants to change his ways.
He wants to live as he pleases with no boundaries.

I'm remembering so many things which I realize were not ok.
Just Journaling my memories.
I don't feel the need for him to be in my life.
I still have anxiety,  not sure if it's normal, but it does not cripple my life.
Hate to be here but this is the hand I've been dealt with now, living it the best I can.

[Treasur]

I think you might find that in many ways life will get easier if/when he is living someplace else. These folks generate a lot of chaos even around quite simple things.

How are your kids doing? And when is the new house ready? Will it just be your house or will he be able to come and go as he pleases?

[Reinventing]

I still have anxiety,  not sure if it's normal,

Yes it is normal, as is crying, for a longer time than most of us imagined.

[in it]

Yes it is normal. Crying in some cases can help regulate your nervous system.
The anxiety will abate once you aren't around him anymore.
Have you tried Magnesium?
It will help soothe your nerves and aid with sleep.

[Lostinthewoods]

I think you might find that in many ways life will get easier if/when he is living someplace else. These folks generate a lot of chaos even around quite simple things.

How are your kids doing? And when is the new house ready? Will it just be your house or will he be able to come and go as he pleases?

Hi treasure, I am hoping for peace to settle in too.
It is a little difficult because every time I heal forward he reels me in. He is cold and then gets warm and cold again , like the last month he was calling every day telling me everything that was happening, I could not take it, because he has not worked on the root cause. He used to call at 9 in the night even on Sunday when it was a day off, 
I didn't like to be treated like an afterthought and asked him why he called so late, now he stopped calling , while I try to remain detached I will be lying if I say it does not effect me.
Sometimes I just want to run away.
My elder one is doing good,  I think as he is with his father in another state.
My younger one is also good, but I think he misses his father, the MLCER does not talk to him if he is angry or upset with me.
I feel sad but I realise I can't / don't want to do anything about it, his problem.
The house is joint, but it will be our own as we currently live in a rented place and the owner wants us to vacate. She wants to move in.
I don't know what my plans are, I just know I need to cross this now. I also know I don't want someone so childish like him.
If he stays away from my life it will be good. No hurry for a divorce, while I wish the laws were a little more defined and I could Guage what would be the outcome. I also believe I will reach the threshold when I'll say enough.
I don't want my younger one to be hurt or go into depression. I've seen that hell with my older one. He is struggled a lot, he seems better now. I want him to go to therapy. Still trying to convince him.