[geist]

Thank you all again for the kind words. I'm doing my best to keep the household running and taking care of our small dog.

I did hear from her briefly yesterday, and got more information from my mother-in-law that is interesting.

She texted me to ask how our dog is, if she still has a vet appointment tomorrow, and to tell me a bag of food had been delivered to our apartment box. On its face, it's a nothingburger to react to. She loves our dog as much as I do, and the vet appointment is on the shared calendar. I waited about 30 minutes before answering, because honestly I don't know how I should respond.  I told her "I'm taking care of her," without any additional info — as it is, she's opted out of having clear insight into what's happening in our lives. (Doggo is fine, just small and starting to get old.) I also shared with her a hand-drawn Valentines's card (digitally), zelle'd her a bit of money for Super Bowl/Valentines food with her parents, and a playlist of songs I'd put together for her. I don't know if it helped or hurt, but she thanked me for it and gave a kind word about the art. I told her I loved her, but got no reply after that.

I presume she's still doing her thing with the Alienator.

My MIL mentioned that she was slow in answering me because my FIL gets nosey when she's on her phone. MIL knows pretty much everything, and she asked me to never tell my FIL about the affair — to which I just said I want this all to end and for us all to heal together. The harsh reality of everything is my W will eventually have to face the reputation consequences of her MLC/affair if it doesn't resolve eventually.

I'm trying to be patient, because as others have said — I'm working on myself and giving space as possible.

Thank you again for all of the support. I weirdly feel better after having had her "check in" yesterday.

[geist]

Well, she filed for divorce today. All I got was an email from her attorney, with a pre-filled out google sheet about how to split up our assets.

[Reinventing]

Sorry, that is very painful. They are so sure that the LBS is the source of their problems and that the fantasy life will solve everything.

[UrsaMajor]

Well, she filed for divorce today. All I got was an email from her attorney, with a pre-filled out google sheet about how to split up our assets.

Do you have legal counsel / advice? Is the division realistic/acceptable/non-detrimental to you? Does it cover the things that you need to have covered; Pensions, IRA's, kids (if applicable) joint debt, property, support (or lack thereof) all those kinds of things?

We are often so overwhelmed by the sheer violence of the act that we fail to take proper care of ourselves and our own needs....

Sorry, that is very painful. They are so sure that the LBS is the source of their problems and that the fantasy life will solve everything.

Exactly.... until they find out that La La Land is NOT full of puppy dogs with waggely tails, pink clouds of cotton candy and unicorns running around farting clouds of rainbow glitter.... By then though, it is often too late for them. The LBS has reached their pain threshold and has said "enough!"

[Treasur]

We are all very sorry, Geist. And we get how you must feel. Particularly after your valentine themed communications.

Imho the best thing you can do now is accept that, given the email, the landscape is now changed from where you were a few days ago. That’s not your fault but it is still how it is. So, now, it’s a business thing not a relationship thing. You will still of course have lots of unresolved relationship feelings….but your actions need to be business ones. No more Nugget messages or gifts or cards. Just assets and legal stuff. By al, means mourn your losses…that’s normal…but you still have to deal with the business end.

Do you have your own lawyer? And what is your take on all the practical stuff UM mentioned? Bc he’s quite right that when we are reeling emotionally, we are not always in the best frame of mind to deal with the business end of a marriage and to protect our own best interests.

[mcm64d]

My apologies this is happening. It’s all too fast isn’t it? Makes no sense no matter how many times you replay things in your mind and no matter how many different scenarios you can imagine.

Fairness is something I struggle with. “It’s just not fair…” and it’s true it’s not fair. And I’m sorry for that too.

Sometimes I think of how I literally wrapped myself around my wife because she was so cold having COVID. And she literally said she feared I would get it and I responded I didn’t care. Or when she called me her hero when she saw me walking down the highway to get her after she had been in an accident that totaled her car. Or that the house we bought after I returned to college made her feel like a princess.

And yes I do sometimes think of the things I could have done better in my relationship and how I wished I could go back in time and fix them. Or how I have grown as a person, as a husband during my marriage.

I’m sure you are doing the same. And it comes to the same point- it’s unfair. And I’m sorry but fairness has no say in this.

Please keep hold of everything endearing about your relationship- don’t let this tarnish those memories. Please also forgive yourself for any wrong doings- we are human and being a spouse doesn’t come with a training manual. Mistakes and regrets happen. Make yourself stronger and forgive yourself.

[geist]

Thank you all for the kind words. As it stands, she's coming with her mother this weekend to collect the stuff she wants to keep and is leaving the rest for me to deal with — essentially leaving me holding the bag for everything she doesn't want to take for herself. My mom is also coming in tomorrow to give me emotional support, and will stay through the week.

This is a mess, and yes, I feel completely lost. I'm glad I'm on lexapro, to say the least. I have a council with a lawyer today in about two hours. So, I should have representation soon.

I don't know how worthwhile it will be for me to stay with this community, since she's en route to eliminate herself from my life in one day, and wants most/all correspondence to go through lawyers.

So, yeah. I'm at a loss, and ugly cried a lot yesterday. Thank you all for the kind words, again.

[UrsaMajor]

You might want to consider hanging around for a while if for no other reason that to get the support of a group of people who have "Been there, Done that, Got the T-Shirt" and who know what you are talking about, see it as a real issue and not just "Oh, your spouse fell out of love with you"

By eliminating direct contact, she also is trying to minimize her own sense of guilt and shame.....

It is not a you issue, it is not an issue with your marriage. It is her problem....

[forthetrees]

When she comes for her stuff it would help if she then signed a paper saying that she was relinquishing whatever was left or she spells out in writing her plan for those items. The last thing you want is to live in a "museum of the detritus of her life and thus your lives together." I literally went through every room and drawer in the house to box up what my then h had left behind because it was too painful to walk past it or see it upon opening a drawer. This was work for me but in the end there were fewer triggers and I got another closet out of it:)

[geist]

I was able to have a conversation with her via text yesterday. I suspect she's moved in with the alienator because she's resistant to a call.

It was cordial, and honest. At this point, I told her she's doing the right thing by filing for divorce and going out to chase what she wants. I was very clear that I wanted to be that for her, but if this is a teen-esque rebellion or even a history revision to say she felt unwanted, unheard, and tolerated — I have to hear her wants and needs now. So, while every time I close my eyes I feel a squeeze in my chest, I'm doing my best to not increase her unpleasant feelings toward me.

She admitted she's in therapy, and needs a lot more. I left it with her saying that I hope we can find each other again after enough therapy. In CA, it takes 6 months + 1 day to actually become divorced. When I see her on Saturday, I plan to talk with her again in a supportive way — if I can handle it.

When she comes for her stuff it would help if she then signed a paper saying that she was relinquishing whatever was left or she spells out in writing her plan for those items. The last thing you want is to live in a "museum of the detritus of her life and thus your lives together." I literally went through every room and drawer in the house to box up what my then h had left behind because it was too painful to walk past it or see it upon opening a drawer. This was work for me but in the end there were fewer triggers and I got another closet out of it:)

I think this is a good idea. The lawyer I spoke to is a "cooperative settlement" type, who aims to keep it smooth and civil, so hopefully it doesn't get terrifically expensive nor knock-down drag-out. Of course, my ideal scenario is the divorce gets dropped. But I'm slowly realizing that's not likely to happen.

The main thing I'm trying to do is disconnect myself from the panic and the immediate rumination of "how do I fix this!?" — This is, at the moment, completely out of my hands and it's very, very hard to adopt the "worry about the things you can control" mentality right now.

I've been white knuckling life since mid-November, and I really want off this ride.