[Hollie220423]

Hi all - new here - my husband of 10 years partner of 15 BD 15/04/23 - we have 2 children and I was pregnant with child 3 at the time - was 6 months. Left because he needed to find what makes him happy - moves to parents and I’m pretty sure AP was there all along - long story.  Bought new car and run up £17,500 debt on credit.

He announced relationship 2 weeks after baby was born, has been just vile to me a bit narcissistic which I’ve never noticed before - ended things via text and seems so angry . Is like I never existed all feelings completely gone overnight.

Introduced children to partner yesterday - he has been impatient and angry with the kids for months - wouldn’t come to delivery room to meet baby etc. but yesterday was a different person again - I always used to want to take the kids out on a weekend but he never wanted too. And seems to be doing everything I needed him to do with her - including taking her to all these places we been to over the years and doing things together that we did on our honeymoon and telling the kids so they tell me.

I’ve been super understanding not been angry just letting him explore but it is so hard I am so heartbroken he’s talking ti me like a business partner. He does occasionally reach out with an apology and says he feels bad..and I see the old him..

Initially I wanted to stand but he has done so much damage I don’t eee how I can end it he will ever come back again but li don’t no affect how do I navigate it all I’m still so heartbroken 💔

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here and the details of what has transpired in your life the past few months. So he speaks to you like a business partner? Then right now, get down to business. Protect your finances for you and your children. MLCers can run up a lot of debt and leave you and your children with little to nothing. If you need to get a separation filed and child support, get it filed. I dislike writing this because your heart is impacted by this, but he is not focused on you or your children's best interests at all.

The affair partner is a symptom, a serious symptom, but a symptom none the less. Just know that if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. She is just another thing to make him, drum roll or eye roll accepted here, happy. He introduced the children to OW because he wants to make sure everyone can see how happy he is and that everyone can be happy too- even you.

Yes, from time to time, he will reach out and apologize, but from his mindset, he feels that this is all for the best as he has found his long lost happiness. Just know that this is a process and it takes a lot of time.

So the best things to do right now is focus on your self care and the children. You need to rest when you can, eat right, and get your bearings back so that you can be stronger and ready to take care of the kids. As far as he is doing the things with her that he used to do with you, that often happens. MLCers are more focused on just doing and not being creative, so it is easy just to redo the things that he did with you, with her. When your children bring up his life with the affair partner, just quietly shut it down, "Well, that sounds nice, but let's talk about what you are going to do here with me."

Keep posting and know that this forum is a documentation of your journey and we are here to support you.

Take care of the baby and have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[Hollie220423]

Thankyou so much for a wonderful reply - it’s so hard to make sense of it, when you see glimmers of the old person but then are quickly reminded they are not there anymore.

I know it’s a process, it is one I wish I was strong enough to hold and remain standing but I just don’t think I can do it to myself anymore. Not trying to keep my own head above water and that of the kids one of who had AuDHD it’s so hard with the adjustments.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Read the threads of titleholder and MomofSteel. Both dealt with MLCers that left them with young children and to be with alienators and find their happiness.
I am sorry because I know how much work a mother goes through each and every day.

Just remember that the early stages of replay with the newness of OW and buying a lot of new things are hard. It just seems as if they truly are happy and we were the ones that kept them down. However, the bills come due and OW doesn't seem to be the perfect partner either. That's the reality and it bites bad. Now, the MLCer is even more miserable and in a far worse situation than ever before.

Others will come and post advice. Just know that while there are many similarities, each story is unique on its own.

I often notice that prior to bomb drop, there is something significant that happens prior to bob drop. It can be a great success or tragedy. In my situation, my ex's mom passed away about a year before bomb drop. It was really sad because her mother was going to spend the summer with her but died in the spring.
 
It just started the spiral that culminated with her full crisis. Of course, the death wasn't the only event. It was a trigger for many of her family issues that she had for years before I crossed her path.

Another thing that took me years to realize is that the crisis is not a crisis of you, the kids, or your marriage. This is within them and you are just collateral damage.

Continue to post and have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[Hollie220423]

I don’t know really there could be a number of things, I nearly died 5 years ago had a cardiac arrest in my sleep was awful few days were touch and go. It was so tramatic but really made us appreciate llife and love, just before this he had a bit of a wobble, then Covid hit and in the September last year his close friend who is younger than him was diagnosed with cancer - I know in the beginning he said To me you only get one life you are proof of that and I need to be happy.

He cries all the time when he visits the kids and sometimes just looks at the baby and bursts into tears but if I try and comfort him he just pushes me away and. Continues to blame me for everything. I made the decision I didn’t feel comfortable to have him at the birth, 1. he couldn’t have supported me emotionally 2. I didn’t want to get cross with him and say stuff etc when I was in pain 3.i don’t think emotionally he would have handled it - it was awful. The baby ended up going into neonatal and he still even then wouldn’t come to the hospital to meet him - said if he wasn’t good enough for labour he wasn’t good enough for anything else - and blames me now for the relationship he has with the baby said he resents me. 

As you said at the beginning the workload is insane 3 on my own one of which being a small baby and I’ve done all the newborn stage - whilst he is out living his best life. Then I feel sad because I feel like I could have forgave him - but I I’ve had to do so much I don’t know if I ever could.

Thankyou I’ll have a read of those it’s so nice to know  we are not alone in this - it’s really a rollercoaster.

 

[Treasur]

Have you taken legal advice?
Do you have friends/family support close to where you live?
How able - or not - are you to be financially self supporting?
How old are you both?

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation with a newborn. Imho there should be a special bench in hell for men who cheat on and abandon pregnant wives. I can’t even imagine how hard this has been for you.

All of which is to say that imho you need to turn your eye full square on financially and emotionally protecting your needs and your children’s needs. And that means turning off your support tap to/for your h who, unlike your small ones, is at least technically an adult. Right now - and this may or may not be who he will continue to be, but it is what he is now - your h’s happy fix is a new car, living with his parents, some debt to buy shiny things and an OW. It isn’t sleepless nights, diaoers, laundry, cooking and protecting his wife and family. And OW is at best a self centred foolish woman bc any woman who has an affair with a man with small children and a pregnant t wife gets just the kind of man she’s paid for. Please don’t feel any need to compete bc any OW who does this is a pretty poor quality human or worry that OW will ‘take’ your children - they may be cute temporary objects for her to try to impress your h but as you know, three small humans are not ideal for romantic evenings lol.

Please do not get sucked into his sadz as the consequences of his choices start to bite. They are not your monkeys and are how adult humans learn….if you still wanted him back, I presume you would prefer an adult as opposed to a man child.

Take whatever steps you need to take to protect f yourself and your kids from it all. Set up a visitation schedule for him to see/take the kids to his parents and keep interactions to a bare minimum so you are not sucked into his nonsense. Ypu have enough on your own plate to let him get on with dealing with his own chosen one. So, for instance, his relationship with his children is inevitably and entirely predictably affected when you leave your pregnant wife and children, duh. He can resent it/you all he wants, but he chose it ….,That’s not your mess to tidy up or dance around. And get some legal advice pronto as he is already running up debt, and tbh as your youngest is so little, find out how you can limit his time away from you bc that must feel inhuman.

[Hollie220423]

Thankyou for your reply I am in the uk and have had some advice - the credit cards are all in his name so not matrimonial debt we would have to prove it and I don’t think he would want me to see everything so is less likely to disclose that info

It’s been so hard not to blame myself his reasons for leaving were insane and it’s like he just stopped loving me overnight so I believe she has been there all along plus I do have proof he wasn’t with who he said he was one time.

He maintains that I am stopping him from moving on with his life as he is needing to provide financially whilst I am on maternity.

Doesn’t want me to meet her but is adamant she isn’t going anywhere and will be at our kids weddings bear in mind they are 8,3 and 6 months - how does he know all this - does he really believe this could go the distance she is 10 years younger than him  - and I’m sure will want children. So will he just repeat it all again - seems mental he’s left married life with kids to replace it with someone 10 years younger.

Its like he’s just removed me and pasted her in - I know what we had was special and worth fighting for it’s jus so insane he just ran away and didn’t want to fight and plays the victim saying how he is glad I’m not in his position because missing the kids is so hard - he never thought it would hurt like this.

But he CHOSE this.. he seems to be able to do what he wants but he is annoyed with me if I go out, or says he will help me and watch the kids later as he doesn’t have them overnight at his parents but then monsters if I’m late .

So for example my eldest has adhd and asd - he had an appointment with consultant yesterday - it was his weekend - but he couldn’t have them Sunday as he had ‘plans’ to go and feed the tigers at a zoo locally (something we did on our honeymoon 10 years ago but in Thailand) so he messaged saying he was hoping for an update on the app but  I didn’t bother so can I update him as soon as I can. So it’s like - he didn’t have his kids - he couldn’t come to the app because he has plans with her - but it’s my fault for not letting him know!! I don’t want to disturb his time with her - or look like I’m constantly texting him - he wants it.. have it.. I would happily not have contact with him until the day he has the children.

He will say he can see and hear how hurt I am and wants to help etc but his actions and words aren’t aligning then it’s like he is making out I am stopping him etc

So crazy - I am so so tired I just don’t understand how people can treat others like this

[KayDee]

Please do not get sucked into his sadz as the consequences of his choices start to bite. They are not your monkeys and are how adult humans learn….if you still wanted him back, I presume you would prefer an adult as opposed to a man child.

^^^^^ This. I can tell you from personal experience, you get the Super Soaker Sadz and then they do something $h!tety again and not only did comforting them take a toll on your own well-being, you have the added cruel twist of them throwing back your compassion in your face.

Your H did not emotionally mature. He did not develop decent (adult) coping skills, as evidenced by him running back to mom and dad when he became over-burdened, and following a teenager handbook for instant happiness. I know this sounds harsh, but this is who he is. As Treasur says - this is who he is now. He cries because of his guilt and shame. He blames you for not allowing him in the delivery room because he knows (deep or not so deep) that it is he that is not strong enough to support you at one of the most (if not the most) important moments of a person's life. I'm so sorry  - so much of what you wrote and said is what happened to me and I too felt. But I do not have small children and I cannot imagine how you coped with all this whilst pregnant. I am of the mindset now, that once you have seen this behaviour it is near impossible to unsee it. Crisis or not. Our physical self tells us to stay away from things that harm us. Your H has harmed you. He needs to get his $h!te together before anything else. He has to understand that he is not the child - he is the father. I wish I could say something uplifting, but after being at this (a mere) 18 months, and reading our shared stories, I see again and again how people who enter this crisis do so after their 'rock' (person who coped for them) needs a rock themselves. Yes, there are triggers - bereavement and illness, as is the case with your H, but the inability to carry this load and the subsequent fracture - that fault line was there a long time ago. Before you met your H. IMO he won't just wake up, or snap back into place. He has to face and heal himself. And he just added a whole new load of shame on his baggage trolley.

Please look after yourself first, so that you can be a healthy mum for you little ones. You and they come first. Hugs...

[KayDee]

I would happily not have contact with him until the day he has the children.

You can set this as a boundary. IMO, it would really help your healing. Go completely dark on any social media too. Ask friends and family not to relay anything. If you need a period of no contact (excepting exchanges about the children) that's perfectly reasonable. I am biased - I say necessary. Communicate this boundary to him and then expectations on both sides are better managed.

[Hollie220423]

 Yes, there are triggers - bereavement and illness, as is the case with your H, but the inability to carry this load and the subsequent fracture - that fault line was there a long time ago. Before you met your H. IMO he won't just wake up, or snap back into place. He has to face and heal himself. And he just added a whole new load of shame on his baggage trolley.

Please look after yourself first, so that you can be a healthy mum for you little ones. You and they come first. Hugs...

Thankyou for this - I don’t need to hear loads of good stuff to be fair - I know this is the end I just have to make sense of things in my head - and I hate how worthless it’s made me feel.

I wasn’t good enough for him to fight
I wasn’t enough for him to communicate and want to fight for our marriage
He has already met his next lifelong partner and hasn’t grieved the loss of me
I fought so hard to work on myself after being unwell because I wanted to be better for him and our children - he couldn’t do the same..

But after seeing this comments I know it’s all par for the course - she isn’t better than me - she is just blind to him and his stuff - I certainly would not be entertaining a man who left his pregnant wife. Or if their relationship was the timeline he gave me (pretty sure it wasn’t) his baby was 2 weeks old! Regardless as to what he’s told her.. there are so many red flags - she’s got her own place and now he’s using there as a base for him to have his kids - he needs her.. and obviously sex with someone new is always exciting.

I hate that I am praying for karma - I won’t do it I’ve not been mean I’ve just let him go..: but stupidly for my own validation I want it to fail.. I know I was a good wife and partner, and was his rock - your so right but when I needed him.. pooff!