[KayDee]

I was thinking more of a giant anvil dropped from the top of the canyon 

[Trustandlove]

I wanted to say WE did not make this decision. But knew it would blow up so I merely end back to him and said you have decided to keep the ball rolling with everything

This jumped out at me, only because I remember my H behaving in a similar fashion to yours early on in this crisis.  I also remember when I plucked up the courage to say that I didn't participate in this decision, that WE didn't get anywhere, that this was all him. 

Of course it didn't go over well, but one good piece of advice that I had was not to be afraid of monster -- not to be afraid of him blowing up about anything. 

It took me a long time to get through the "understanding" part; I, too, felt that he was so depressed and that my role was to be understanding and supportive pretty much no matter what. 

I learned that "coddling the patient" wasn't a good way to proceed; it wasn't showing him support, however much I wanted to do that and wanted him to see that I was doing that. 

I remembered lessons from world history -- "appeasement never works". 

It was scary as all heck to say things like:  I didn't  choose this, there is no "we" in this decision, but it definitely helped me gain some perspective. 

I had three young children (no baby, though) at the time as well.  I was trying hard to tell them that daddy must be going through something, that I was sure he loved them, etc, etc., but his actions were showing anything but  that. 

And I was so afraid of divorce that I was shaking with fear day in, day out.  Please don't be afraid, it is much more important to get the legal advice and get your ducks in a row as much as possible. 

My H promised that he would take care of us, that he would take care of the children; I believed him for a long time, because I wanted to, and because that was who I always thought he was.  Getting through that took years for me, but if I had continued to trust that he would do so the children and I would have been left without anything. 

I also know that when I was told things like this early on in the process it was hard for me to take it in, I just couldn't square it with the person I thought he was, and I genuinely believed that if I kept on being "good" that we (yes, we) would get through this. 

Treasur has very good advice here. 

I know this is hard, hard, hard.  And we all so much want our spouses to get through this, we want "us" as a couple to get through this.  But the comments are right, he isn't treating you well at all.  And it won't hurt anything to make that clear.

hang in there, you really are doing very well, even if it doesn't feel like it.

[UrsaMajor]

First.....

"We?" Has he got a mouse in his pocket? When MLCxW2 and I sat down to tell the kids, she started with "We have decided.... " and I cut her off right away and said that this was NOT a "we decision. This was HER decision and I did not agree with it but I would not try to stop her."

Second....

Yeah, as KayDee says, we are a bit angry on your behalf lol.

What I (the green guy) envision doing to MLCstbxH (Loki) for his actions

Hulk SMASH!

He wishes he handled things differently???  Then handle things differently now. It's a kind of arrogant and stupid statement all rolled into one.

Then get off your dead Hiney and DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY! NO ONE IS HOLDING A BAZOOKA TO YOUR HEAD FORCING YOU TO DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!

Have to say I agree that I don’t see loving behaviours either. I see selfishness, self pity, spite, maybe neediness, manipulation.

Yes.... You can ask him...


<rant over>

[xyzcf]

What stood out for me is you left to go for a drive when he came, to take a rest for yourself. That is such a strong thing to do!!! Both taking care of yourself and not hanging around for any crumbs he tosses your way.

Words are cheap. His lamenting, as others have said is all about him.

Regardless of what has caused him to go off the rails, you don't have the luxury of any kind of focus on him and his problems. Three children on your own is a lot.

I am really good friends with a former poster, Trusting who was about your age and had two young kids. These kids are now in university and her ability to take care of their needs has been truly remarkable.

For all those who have gone before you with young kids, and those who are yet to come.....I have seen you succeed. You only have so much energy. he is going to do what he will do.

You have a group of people here who will cheer you on. I hope you have some real life people who can give you support and some respite from taking care  fo the children and everything else.

KayDee stated "Yes, the odd thing is, he is a grown arse man acting like a teenager. " Teenager or perhaps even younger....and teenagers don't take responsibility for a wife and children unfortunately.

[Hollie220423]

Still not sure if I’m doing this right - new thread started as different subject -
Link to old here
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12158.0

So I received the divorce papers last week - and mentioned in the post about him coming to help with my little one being unwell - Sunday was Mother’s Day - he had our kids overnight at OW’s drops them back Sunday Am (she was in the car) first time I’ve had sight of her - was devastated.

He comes into the home with the kids and gives me my gift which was much more elaborate than last year when he was still at home and we were together - I felt overwhelmed and got upset - I gave him a hug to Thankyou - and he asked me what was wrong and I stupidly blurted out that I missed him - he held me tighter didn’t say a word and then we both cried together briefly hugging - he left and drove to his mums house with her in the car.

After about an hour or so he text to ask how I was hoping I was ok and told me that he needed the hug - that he cried most of the way to his mums.. I questioned him and he responded with that he has been missing his time in the house and spending time as a family - all 5 of us. That even though he has the kids at hers and they have had lovely days out - she is not me - that since Xmas he has been thinking about me more and more but trying to push the emotions down and continue on the path he chosen - filing for divorce was just what he thought was the next step as soon as he did it he felt it was wrong..

But me being vulnerable and telling him I missed him broke him - he now wants to talk - and I am unsure as to how to communicate.

I believe that he hasn’t called things off with the OW and is going to see how our convo goes before doing that..
I’m not sure I’m happy about it - I read kendras email this week and it made me feel like I shouldn’t be challenging him - but if he wants to make this work with me she needs to be gone.

It’s gonna be hard work and a lot for me to risk - how should I approach all this I want to let him lead and if I feel at any point my boundaries are overstepped I will stop
The conversation.

Thankyou

[xyzcf]

Hi Hollie,

I just  merged your previous topic with the new one with the new subject. This way, people can read your thread and for purposes of the forum, it's asked to not start a new thread until there are a 150 posts. I know it is confusing.

 

and he asked me what was wrong and I stupidly blurted out that I missed him .......But me being vulnerable and telling him I missed him broke him - he now wants to talk - and I am unsure as to how to communicate.

It's pretty common for them to go back and forth, one of the reasons that we call this a "rollercoaster". A divorce is a big deal, your feelings for him probably have changed as there has been so much betrayal....but yet

Your feelings are also tied to him, because of the love you had and your children.

Sometimes, you can just do nothing. Allow time to play out if he is serious about what he said. It is said that nothing we do or don't do makes any difference and I believe that to be true...except, that if you want him to try again with you , in a totally new relationship for the old one is over, then perhaps keeping the door open, which you seem to be doing might make a difference.

I think it has to come from him. Giving up OW is difficult, his feelings will waiver from one day to the other.

I looked back at what you wrote about his lack of participation in the birth of the baby...very very painful.....and you have to cope with 3 children and all the wounding that goes with his affair and leaving the family.

So take time. Continue to take care of yourself and your children. Breath. Get some rest if you can. if you are ok, listen to what he has to say but you do not need to respond if you do not want to.

Others will come by with some ideas and thoughts.

((((HUGS))))))

[Hollie220423]

It's pretty common for them to go back and forth, one of the reasons that we call this a "rollercoaster". A divorce is a big deal, your feelings for him probably have changed as there has been so much betrayal....but yet

Your feelings are also tied to him, because of the love you had and your children.

Sometimes, you can just do nothing. Allow time to play out if he is serious about what he said. It is said that nothing we do or don't do makes any difference and I believe that to be true...except, that if you want him to try again with you , in a totally new relationship for the old one is over, then perhaps keeping the door open, which you seem to be doing might make a difference.

I think it has to come from him. Giving up OW is difficult, his feelings will waiver from one day to the other.

You were certainly right about this - so Monday was the we need a talk and him saying he misses his family all 5 of us arranges a chat for tomo - to today calling off the chat saying that he doesn’t know how it could work/would work and that he has a lot to weigh up..?! Him….? None of my feelings even considered again this is the nature of the beast.. I know he won’t have told OW about this - I didn’t respond by saying that we won’t know if we don’t talk/try/ etc just said no worries.

At this moment in time I just can’t be bothered.. 😕 he should know whether he wants us or not.. not keeping her on the sidelines incase we can’t agree on things which were never a problem - he’s twisted everything I said round - and made it his own narrative.. such a rollercoaster.

[Treasur]

Well, if it’s any consolation, that’s pretty textbook and you dealt with it well and wisely. Sounds as if you didn’t get your hopes up too much, so I hope you are ok now.

It may have very little to do with ow tbh….both his temporary sadz and his temporary doubts are just as likely to be bc real life consequences are starting to dawn on him. That seems to be a pretty common pattern. These folks deal with difficult things by running and, from their pov, both options are likely to involve some difficult or unpleasant consequences. Or indeed a bit of effort. Which is why so many try to have their cake and eat it. Still just about him, of course. 

I don’t know how you currently feel about the pros and cons of divorce in your situation, or the legal advice you are getting about the big important stuff. I suspect you may see his doubts pop up again and I wouldn’t be surprised if, having filed so quickly, he drags his feet on the legal stuff now or tries to ‘hang out’ with you more. That’s a pretty common pattern here too. Tbh I’d suggest you limit your contact slightly more now - let him feel those consequences and don’t get sucked into his sadz while you and your kids focus on building a happy life that does not involve him much.

The wisdom here is that if you still feel confused, they are not really committed to trying to repair the relationship….if he gets to that point, and you want to, you can hear him out and see what he is offering.

[Hollie220423]

Well, if it’s any consolation, that’s pretty textbook and you dealt with it well and wisely. Sounds as if you didn’t get your hopes up too much, so I hope you are ok now.

It may have very little to do with ow tbh….both his temporary sadz and his temporary doubts are just as likely to be bc real life consequences are starting to dawn on him. That seems to be a pretty common pattern. These folks deal with difficult things by running and, from their pov, both options are likely to involve some difficult or unpleasant consequences. Or indeed a bit of effort. Which is why so many try to have their cake and eat it. Still just about him, of course. 

I don’t know how you currently feel about the pros and cons of divorce in your situation, or the legal advice you are getting about the big important stuff. I suspect you may see his doubts pop up again and I wouldn’t be surprised if, having filed so quickly, he drags his feet on the legal stuff now or tries to ‘hang out’ with you more. That’s a pretty common pattern here too. Tbh I’d suggest you limit your contact slightly more now - let him feel those consequences and don’t get sucked into his sadz while you and your kids focus on building a happy life that does not involve him much.

The wisdom here is that if you still feel confused, they are not really committed to trying to repair the relationship….if he gets to that point, and you want to, you can hear him out and see what he is offering.

Thankyou your so right - I’m really proud of myself tbf and where I am at with it - I thought I would be upset and I am a little bit actually I also know this is the pattern - it’s just wild how quick it can change and also I feel sorry for them - their heads must be a mess!

My solicitor has been great and has started the ball rolling with things - but because he still comes into the house to have contact with the baby - she has said that I need to discuss this with him as she feels that now contact should be taking place away from the home - he takes baby and I know get some of my privacy back - we get times set up and clearly set out - so he can’t jus rock up when he wants - maybe I need to do this so show him the stark reality of what is to come from something that he just felt he should do as it’s the next step in his motions..

How this OW is still there I don’t know and her own moral compass isn’t screaming at her - he is a massive walking red flag currently -  crying once he left here Sunday and gets in the car with her.. surely that would tell you something - but I guess he will just say he hates giving his kids back - and she will believe him - she 100% will have no idea that he has had this convo with me this week.

[Treasur]

Well, fwiw, I agree about him spending less time in your home. Far from easy i’d imagine as your youngest is still a baby (and does your lawyer have any guidance on that) but formalising things might be helpful and healthy for you and your kids, as your lawyer says. And yes, it will be a dose of reality for your h. Maybe for you too, so I wouldn’t do it to try to have an affect on him, do it bc it seems like a sensible choice given the circumstances.

You don’t have to hate him, but imho at least for the moment I’d temper your pity. Partly bc he can use it to manipulate you before you find your feet.  Partly bc he really has behaved in some vile ways imho and one should avoid inadvertently excusing that away as if it were nothing. Mostly bc he will doubtless be doing that job for himself lol.

And ow? Gah, I’d waste not a jot of empathy on her. You and your little ones are the victims in this situation, if you want to see victims. Not your h whose ‘I want to be happy’ doesn’t look like it’s working out well for him. And not ow who knowingly had an affair with a married man, small children and a pregnant wife. These folks had choices where you did not, and adults get reminded sometimes by life that choosing a choice usually includes choosing some consequences too. Play s$it games, win s$it prizes, right? And not your circus.

You may not feel like it but my word you are doing well. I take my virtual hat off to you. And what that probably means is that, regardless of what happens with your h or marriage, you and your kids are eventually going to be just fine.