[UrsaMajor]

Well it’s been a real while since I’ve posted, I felt like I had to be very insular and almost go through some of it on my own.. it’s been a roller coaster journey since the summer as I know wont surprise you all - with him sending me a song that he heard telling me he cried al
The way home from work on the train - because it’s how he should have loved me, and that if he could take it all back he would. And that he will always love me.. I questioned him and he said he doesn’t want to get divorced but has no choice as too much has happened and it’s gone to far.

He then decided to move in with the pretty sure AP and failed to tell me until the week after he moved and mentioned that he needed the kids to see the place so they would be happy and settled staying there that weekend (not great for a child with ASD) failed to take any time off to help me when the eldest boy was being suspended from School (mainstream education here is failing him and his needs) long story.. but he could take the day off to have the internet fitted in his new house.. 🙄🙄

Gee, imagine my surprise...... Straight out of "Mid-Life Crisis for Dummies" page 472

So they now have their perfect little house together, he has mentioned about children and marriage..? Wtaf.. I’ve been doing so well and am happy to keep moving forward knowing I deserve better but I am so lonely and haven’t even been on one date since him leaving despite putting myself out there.

Their "perfect little house?" The one built on a foundation of deceit, lies, and infidelity?


As for being out on dates and finding someone new, sorry to be so blunt but broken attracts broken and the LBS is broken (just in a different way form teh Mid-Lifer). Until we heal ourselves, we are not in a good position to be out casting our bait into the pond to see what fish we can land.... Too many times it's either a bottom-feeding sucker fish (or a shark). The problem here is when one wants to find something (or someone) the amount o self-deceit a wounded person can practice is really quite impressive... We will often see JUST what we want to see in the first place we look because that is what we WANT to find, what we WANT to see.... We WANT to fell that we are loved. We want to feel accepted, we want to feel cared for... All those things that the Mid-Lifer has so casually tossed aside.... So we see them, often where they do not even exist..... Been there, done that, got the scars and NO T-Shirt....

I hate this space I am in.. seeing him moving on with his life, the place, the holidays, the nice weekends away etc whilst I am on the bones of my arse struggling to afford all the bills and every night sit in my house on my own with the kids.

This too shall pass.... Maybe like a kidney stone but it will pass .... and you are going to have something that he won't - the joy of being with your kids, the pride of knowing that they are where hey are because you took care of them.... the feeling of being there at their graduation, their wedding, their first concert, whatever... and what dies he have? A life with someone that he cheated with.... Yeah, that is a great basis for a happy future....

I really felt like I was an amazing wife and person.. and someone that he would never give up.. but he has really replaced me in the blink of an eye.. how is he not grieving the loss of me or the family.. how is he able to continue on through life as normal like he’s cut me out and pasted someone else in.. it really is mental!!

It is called "compartmentalization... He has simply plastered over the wounds that he has had since childhood with another band-aid. You were the first and when you could no longer cover his wound, he plastered on the "new and improved" version over the top to stop the bleeding (to stop having to look at his own issues, his own problems)... At some point, (likely sooner than with you) he will find that this band-aid isn't covering the wound anymore either because the infection is still there and still spreading so he will either slap yet another Band-Aid on it (wash, rinse, spin, repeat ad naseum) or he will rip the whole thing off, clean out the infection and get started on real healing..... but that is NOT in our control or anything that we have any influence over....

UM

[titleholder]

I'm happy to hear from you Hollie, you pass by in my mind from time to time! Please keep journalling and reaching out to us if you need it <3

I 100% agree with everything that UM and FT have said to you! You're an amazing person Hollie. You're doing everything for your kids and that shows you who you are and what your values are.

I recognize so much in your story; you're trying to find reason in a story that is completely bonkers. The longer you are on this journey the more you will learn to let go what he's doing, why he's doing it and who he involves on his rollercoaster. Somebody on here once told me (I think it was Ready) yes it's frustrating that you're the person who's carrying the most responsibility for your childeren, but on the other hand; you get to choose how to raise them and turn them into incredible human beings!

I know it's a cliché but focus on you, your kids and your healing! I'm almost 3 years post BD and I can really say that life gets better and better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there!!

[Hollie220423]

I'm happy to hear from you Hollie, you pass by in my mind from time to time! Please keep journalling and reaching out to us if you need it <3

I 100% agree with everything that UM and FT have said to you! You're an amazing person Hollie. You're doing everything for your kids and that shows you who you are and what your values are.

I recognize so much in your story; you're trying to find reason in a story that is completely bonkers. The longer you are on this journey the more you will learn to let go what he's doing, why he's doing it and who he involves on his rollercoaster. Somebody on here once told me (I think it was Ready) yes it's frustrating that you're the person who's carrying the most responsibility for your childeren, but on the other hand; you get to choose how to raise them and turn them into incredible human beings!

I know it's a cliché but focus on you, your kids and your healing! I'm almost 3 years post BD and I can really say that life gets better and better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there!!

Thanks all for the comments and I really appreciate it I’ve been going through stuff on my own but when this happened last week I knew there was only one place to come where I would feel seen and heard - you guys have always been my logic and reason in this crazy scenario we have all lived in one way or another.

I have healed an incredible amount and I know what I deserve and I will not settle for less - and maybe the few people I have met I know are broken themselves which is why I’ve chosen not to pursue them.. as I do not want to go through this again - same relationship different person I have well and truly learnt my lesson and seen the reasons why I was attracted to him in the first place and what in myself was broken that made me choose him.

The kids are growing fast - I just hate the mother I am sometimes purely because I am so overwhelmed with the sheer amount of workload I have - with three small children - the baby is now 18 months and talking so much day by day and all of that he is missing and do you know something - I DONT feel sorry for him anymore.. and I am getting stronger - just need to get the divorce done - expect nothing and protect me and the boys and if that means upsetting him and princess then I don’t care anymore no thought was given to me whilst they were parading around in Mexico and eating steak dinners whilst I was up to my eyeballs in breast milk and post partum exhaustion!!

Thankyou Thankyou your stories, words and affirmations always make me feel stronger! ♥️♥️

[The Navigator]

I hate this space I am in.. seeing him moving on with his life, the place, the holidays, the nice weekends away etc whilst I am on the bones of my arse struggling to afford all the bills and everynight sit in my house on my own with the kids.

Did you mention in an earlier post that he had racked up £17,500 in debt?

The reckoning hasn't come for him yet, but it will. As surely as night follows day.

There is no doing what he's done without, at some point or another, the Dildo of Consequences coming for him. And it seldom arrives lubed.

[Hollie220423]

I hate this space I am in.. seeing him moving on with his life, the place, the holidays, the nice weekends away etc whilst I am on the bones of my arse struggling to afford all the bills and everynight sit in my house on my own with the kids.

Did you mention in an earlier post that he had racked up £17,500 in debt?

The reckoning hasn't come for him yet, but it will. As surely as night follows day.

There is no doing what he's done without, at some point or another, the Dildo of Consequences coming for him. And it seldom arrives lubed.

He did yes but has somehow paid half of it off already - which is why I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to do financial disclosure.. said he can’t be bothered to fill out the form E - so I’ve agreed for mediation but need to find a solicitor who might be able to represent me Pro Bono - as I have no money for fees - I’ve spent £2,000 on nothing so far as he dragged his heels about responding to things so numerous letters/emails went out all of which I had to pay for

[The Navigator]

He did yes but has somehow paid half of it off already - which is why I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to do financial disclosure.. said he can’t be bothered to fill out the form E - so I’ve agreed for mediation but need to find a solicitor who might be able to represent me Pro Bono - as I have no money for fees - I’ve spent £2,000 on nothing so far as he dragged his heels about responding to things so numerous letters/emails went out all of which I had to pay for

How do you know he has paid half of it off?

I haven't heard heard of a single active MLCer ever paying off a penny of debt. In fact they're typically only able to accrue debt until the DoC (see my last post) comes hunting for them.

[Hollie220423]

So I ran through a red flag just after we were married where it all came out upon application for a joint bank account that he had hidden £15,000 of debt from me - stupidly I helped pay it off giving him £800 of my wages a month as took it on as our debt.. anyway he said to me to show me and reassure me that he could be trusted he would put his experien in my email address - and must of forgot that I still got notifications of his credit score going up and down - and showing the amount of credit etc!! 😂😂

[UrsaMajor]

There is no doing what he's done without, at some point or another, the Dildo of Consequences coming for him. And it seldom arrives lubed.

CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 5!

Man, how am I going to explain the coffee in my keyboard at work?

[Hollie220423]

There is no doing what he's done without, at some point or another, the Dildo of Consequences coming for him. And it seldom arrives lubed.

CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 5!

Man, how am I going to explain the coffee in my keyboard at work?

😂😂😂😂😂

[The Navigator]

There's nothing funny about my post.

I'm deadly serious.

The Dildo of Consequences comes for these MLCers eventually, and seldom lubed.

It must, or the entire MLC was in vain, and Providence has a problem with that.

Usually in the Depression and Withdrawal phases, the Dildo of Consequences and its trusty assistant the Reality Stick start getting to work on the MLCer. The more severe the MLC, the harder these two entities must work to force the MLCer to kneel at the Altar of Reality.

It's not unheard of, in the most severe cases, for the MLCer to commit suicide or suffer grave mental health issues in the ensuing years, rather than do the Dildo of Consequences' bidding.

The very best thing you can do is take a very hard stand, inform the MLCer that the cage door is open, and let them fly. We have to get out of their way, or "detach". You don't voluntarily stand in the path of an oncoming tornado.