[MadLuv]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

[Happylight]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

I do think part of my problem is the brain overload--both piano and crochet are new skills for me, but I can't push too hard on the learning.  I easily become frustrated when it is challenging.  I am learning, but taking it slowly.  I try to work on those things for like 10 minutes a day at least.  Maybe I need to rebuild my reading capacity also. 


More time spent at home. Like I've shared before, its hard when he's there so much.  He is at the house so much, and it is hard to say exactly what is changed, but when you've been around somebody for so long, you can pick up on a lot of changes in person even if you can't always put a finger on exactly what it is.  He seems much less angry than he was, and also less manic.  He isn't working out anymore (which he actually has worked out regularly pretty much our entire relationship).  He is spending a lot of time at the house scrolling on his phone, playing video games, or he will ask if I want to watch TV.  Spends lots of time there, but then will be gone for a night or two, and sometimes comes to the house and works from home in between.  He's sleeping a lot--like 9-10 hours a night and then will still take a nap.

A couple of things have happened.  One, there were pretty big layoffs at his work.  He kind of expressed to that it was stressful because people he had worked with for a long time got laid off.  I also, had a mishap with weights while I was working out and ended up with a bruise on my face (honestly I'm lucky that it's only a small bruise).  He has expressed concern that people are going to think he hit me-only like 10 people in my life have any idea what is going on with us.  He even texted me and asked if anybody asked me about it.  I think its really interesting because although it hasn't been physical abuse, I feel like what he has put me through has been worse.  What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage. From what I understand, many who are abused feel ashamed. I know that none of it is my fault, but I won't share what I am going through because many will make me feel ashamed for standing and not leaving.  I am not going to judge others for divorcing, but in my mind, when you say "For better or worse," people don't really mean it.  They mean for better or not so good, but they don't truly have any idea what "worse" can actually look like.   

[Reinventing]

Happylight,

Two things you said resonated with me

What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I thought about this too and was so thankful that people couldn't see the damage from the outside. At least people who didn't know me couldn't tell (unless I was crying). I can see how some may find healing in expressing this in art or something like that. I had the image in my mind of him taking a flame thrower to me psychologically.

This also allowed me to have a tiny inkling of what people who are physically damaged by someone else have to go through since that damage is both visible and invisible. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of seeing and having such a reminder of the abuse with a physical manifestation. The Boston Marathon bombings happened during the early stages and my mind couldn't even comprehend being a runner and surviving the damage from that. I still can't imagine.

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage.

Yes, I used to think, "throw them to the curb" when hearing about infidelity. I understand it is complicated and don't judge people for standing or divorce. I do advocate for LBS healing as paramount either way.

This is so hard, any way we look at it.

[OffRoad]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

I so wish there was a "Yeah, that^^^^" button. I also could read anything mlc, but a book? Nope. Short story even, nope. Creative, nope. Brain was stuck between overdrive (what happened, how to deal with it, getting a job, taking care of kids, etc) and exhaustion.  I didn't dream for many years that I could remember.

As to what other people say to you, they aren't living your life. You have to process this in your own way. People here will give you suggestions based on their own experience and a lot of us started out standing, then something happened to change that.  Some are still standing after years and years. The only thing most everyone here will tell you is to make sure you take care of yourself. You didn't cause this, you can't fix it. You can't nice him back. I had an 18 month live in and I stood until. My until was when he filed for divorce. At that point, for me, that marriage was done. If he ever came back, it'd be a different relationship. Everyone's mileage will vary. But mine started coming home late and leaving the front door unlocked or even open. That was a no go for me as I had children in the house so I told him home by midnight or the extra lock goes on. I was not putting our lives in danger. He only missed that one time because I locked him out, so he never missed "curfew " again. He could be as angry as he wanted, our safety came first.

But I sure got tired of people saying I should be "over it by now" whenever that now was. Sorry, Bucko, you don't get to tell me when I'm over it. Each of us gets to choose how we move forward with our life, and you can change your mind weekly, daily, hourly if you want.

Live ins are very hard. I joined meetups (coloring, ghost hunting and driving off road) because they didn't take any true brain processing power, but did take me away from reality for a short time. Just a suggestion.

[Happylight]

Live ins are very hard. I joined meetups (coloring, ghost hunting and driving off road) because they didn't take any true brain processing power, but did take me away from reality for a short time. Just a suggestion.

I don't have a true live in.  He stayed for almost 3.5 months after bomb drop (I think he was waiting for a spot at the RV park to open up), then he didn't spend a night at the house for 4 months after he moved out (maybe once randomly), but then in September of 23 started spending a night or two a week.  The last two months he has spent around 4 nights a week at home, and comes over almost every day even when he doesn't stay.  As much as I hated when he was gone full time, it has been a different challenge for me to find my equilibrium with the back and forth.  Its hard on me, but he sees the kids more, and he is treating me well.  I have also noticed, that if somebody tells him or asks him to stay or come over when he is gone, he will usually use the excuse to come over--for example, my son asked him if he could move his motorcycle in the garage on a Saturday, so he ended up coming over and spending the night.  It's really frustrating because I keep thinking, well maybe he will just stay, and then he leaves again....

[UrsaMajor]

I have also noticed, that if somebody tells him or asks him to stay or come over when he is gone, he will usually use the excuse to come over--for example, my son asked him if he could move his motorcycle in the garage on a Saturday, so he ended up coming over and spending the night.  It's really frustrating because I keep thinking, well maybe he will just stay, and then he leaves again....

This is why face-huggers (see below) aka Clinging Boomrangs

can be so hard on our mental health and equilibrium..... Those pesky anticipations/expectations keep popping up..... and then we end up disappointed when things don't pan out. This is where it is so crucial (and so freaking difficult) to NOT have any expectations....

[Happylight]

Those pesky anticipations/expectations keep popping up..... and then we end up disappointed when things don't pan out. This is where it is so crucial (and so freaking difficult) to NOT have any expectations....

I literally tell myself over and over--he's going to leave, he's going to leave, but I guess that is an expectation as well.  I mentally can say, no expectations, but my emotions don't always play along. 

Its been a few weeks and the pattern has continued.  He has been spending at least 4 nights a week at the house, and even when he leaves he is usually there until 6 or 7 pm.  This weekend I again got some I love yous, and you are an amazing mother.  It will be kind of sporadic that he decides he feels very intensely about me.  I have seen that he feels drained and tired by the kids sometimes, but I haven't seen "monster" since around Thanksgiving.  I realized that I haven't gone over to the RV in over 6 months now.  I don't know if that has impacted his choices--knowing that I am not going to come to him. 

I have seen that he seems more engaged with the kids, and I wonder if he notices the tiny steps that they are taking in his direction--like my D17 going into his office to seek him out when she got back from her band trip, or my D12 asking him to change the hallway light bulbs outside her room (he was kind of amazed at how much reaction he got from her for doing this).  For months, they haven't asked things of him around the house or sought him out unless they absolutely had to. 

I am working hard on just keeping on with my life, but I do find I am tired.  It is hard that I can't ask for anything in terms of my emotional needs, and I usually only ask for support with tasks when I literally need to be in two places at once. 

Lately he has made more comments to me about how he needs to workout (he hasn't in about 4 months now), he's gaining weight, and he feels old. 

I have noticed so many tiny changes to habits that are interesting to observe:  changed back to whiskey as drink of choice (tequila had been in for about 18 months), switched back to white undershirts, music preferences leaning back toward more classic rock, switched back to lace-up boots for daily wear instead of wearing his motorcycle boots all the time, only is taking his bike out like once a week instead of multiple nights and weekend rides.  The biggest one for me is he just seems much less angry in general.  For a couple of years he was so angry and irrational and couldn't have rational discussions about topics.  I was aware of this, but thought it was just the MLC that people talked about, and that I would have to weather the storm.  I have watched the stuff about bomb drop and not really being multiple bombs drops etc.  I know that we have been in this turmoil for 2-2.5 years with multiple bomb drops, replay behavior for about 19-20 months, 15 months since he said he wanted to move out (when I realized MLC is really deep), and we are coming up on a year since he "moved out."  I put moved out in quotations, because he never really moved out...he just took the RV out of storage and started spending time there. 

This end of school year time is always so hectic.  I had promised myself I would stand at least through the end of the school year, and then reassess.  It seemed like such a long time when I set that goal.  The end of this month marks a year since he moved out, his 50th birthday, and the end of the school year.  We have seen definite progress, but I still don't know where we will end up.  I don't have any idea how to handle his birthday this year.  So many things I don't ask and don't say. I promised myself I wouldn't put him in a position to have to lie to me since I think it would just cause more damage.  I don't know that he is doing anything that he would have to lie to me about , but I don't know for sure, so I ask very few questions. 

[Happylight]

Struggling.  I should be happy, right.? Things are heading in the right direction.  He just spent a solid week here—the longest time in a year -and was actually present and connected for it, which hasn't happened in probably ?? He’s calm, we aren’t arguing or fighting.     

I am wiped out.  I am so tired.  I am struggling to make myself do all the things that need to be done.  When he’s away, I distract myself and stay busy and I get a lot done.  Right now I just feel like my tank is just empty and I find it very frustrating.  I still have no answers or information other than anecdotal based on observations and years of knowing a person.  I don’t feel angry or sad—just tired.

He joked this week about his AARP invitation he got in the mail.  He was very grateful for some things I did for him and for the kids.  He has told me to just do what I think is best because he trusts me when I asked for advice on something financial.  He cleaned and reorganized his office here at the house.  He has spent a lot of time playing his video game, which he hasn’t done for about a year. 

I feel like lots of positives, but not knowing where the finish line is or even if there is one is hard.

[Treasur]

Fwiw - and a lot of us know that feeling - I think that kind of deep tired is a sign that your current approach (whatever it is) is taking too much from you. So, it’s perhaps a signal that a change in what you do, or more likely your mindset about what you’re doing, might need a refresh.

I feel like lots of positives, but not knowing where the finish line is or even if there is one is hard.

I can see that your ‘hands off’ approach is giving your h the freedom to come and go as he pleases, and that this approach is producing some of the positives you see. I’m assuming that, bc of that, you probably don’t want to change your approach. And as you obviously know all too well, you can’t control his behaviour. So it seems to me that the only thing left is to change your mindset a bit, the frame if you like that you are putting around what’s happening.

Others who, unlike me, have lived through something like this will hopefully come along with their insights. But I wondered if you can try to turn off that sense of waiting for that ‘finish line’. What if you knew there wasn’t one? Or that it’s beyond your imagination right now and behind quite a few curves in the path  yet to come? If you tried to find a way to live in the moment, what might that look like? Can you find a way to be mostly content with the life you have right now as opposed to what might be? Or do your actions now only make sense to you if you feel you are investing in that finish line?

No easy answers, I know. And very personal. Really not a one size fits all. But if you can’t change the current situation with your h, and you don’t want to change your current approach, then all I can see left is to change how you think about both the situation and your approach.

[Happylight]

I can see that your ‘hands off’ approach is giving your h the freedom to come and go as he pleases, and that this approach is producing some of the positives you see. I’m assuming that, bc of that, you probably don’t want to change your approach. And as you obviously know all too well, you can’t control his behaviour. So it seems to me that the only thing left is to change your mindset a bit, the frame if you like that you are putting around what’s happening.

You are correct in the thought that what I am hesitant to change things because we do seem to be making progress.   I don't know if he still leaves because he is still taking space.  He was gone less than 24 hours this time--left around 5 pm and was back home by 10AM, and pretty much stayed in contact with me most of the evening.  I would like to ask where he goes or what he's doing, but as I said, I don't want to put him in any situation to lie to me, and the times he is leaving seem to be fewer and growing shorter in duration. 

He spent time this weekend, cleaning his office, which was the one area in the house I haven't touched in the last year.  He ordered two new swiffer mops for the house--one for upstairs and one for downstairs. He has been directing the kids to do their chores and putting our youngest to bed....something that hasn't happened in a year.  He's been thanking me for cooking and doing other tasks (that I've been doing all along), and when I leave for work in the morning he tells me to give him a hug. 

I'm wondering if eventually he will open a discussion, or if he gradually just wants to return to the "before."

My fatigue may also be related to the fact that it is the end of the school year, I work in education and we are all just exhausted at this point.  Tempers run high and tolerance and energy seem to be low.  Add to that the 1 ZILLION things kids have at the end of school year that I am trying to balance as well.