[Happylight]

I have been going through this for a while now, but more recently found this forum. I have read lots of posts and thought I would share my story.

M-23 T-24
LBS(Me-47)H-49
S20,D16,D11

In hindsight this journey started long before I knew.

 In the Spring of 2021 I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells.  We were arguing a lot more.  H had a motorcycle for a while, but he joined a motorcycle club.  He cut his hair in a mohawk style.  I thought it was a result of a lot of things that were going on with Covid.  Our oldest graduated from high school that May and left for college in August.  In September of 2021, we had a big argument over some comments that I made to long time friends that he perceived as disrespectful.  He said he wanted a divorce, we argued, he dropped some bombs about some traumas from teen year that he has experienced that I had never heard about.  He got emotional, but it was resolved.  Walking on eggshells continued, but we had many good moments also.  Life was busy, with work and kids and his increasing participating in MC. 

In September of 2022 he became angry while we were on a camping trip.  This time I saw the monster.  He was very hateful, and finally I said fine.  I went to sleep in the back part of the camper, but he came to me a little while later crying and saying he didn't know what was wrong with him.  Over the next few months he was spending more time away from home with friends, he was drinking more and it was concerning me. 

In beginning of Feb 2023 I was gone for a work conference, and when I came back, I could tell something was really off.  However, like others, I had no idea what was about to happen.  I kept pushing him for several days to tell me what was going on, and finally when he came home late after being out drinking he gave me ILYBNILWY and 50 reasons for the irretrievable breakdown of our marriage--which were all my fault.  He was bringing up a completely appropriate relationship with my son's junior high coach (5 years prior which I now realize was projection) among many other things.  He told me that he wanted a divorce and was moving out to our RV. 

For the next 3 months he stayed at home.  We still had a relationship and slept in the same bed.  He was cold and distant, but would only blow up or bring up the split after drinking.  He came home at night except when he was on a motorcycle ride.  April 2023 he started sleeping in our son's room.  May 2023 he moved out to RV. 

After he moved out, he became very confusing because I now understand he is a clinging boomerang.    He would say he loved me and wanted to be with me.   He would come to the house daily, and He would want me to come to RV, but we would have random explosions where he would perceive something I did as a problem, he would project and spew with monster, but would then the next day would come close again.   I always attributed the behavior to drinking.  In July 2023 he told me he wanted to take me on a trip for my birthday.  We went on a trip for 3 days you would have never known that there was any problems between us. 

A week after that I went to visit him at RV and accidentally caught him with OW.  He had hidden it really well.  She revealed that they had been seeing each other for 8 months.  I handled a lot poorly, but I was so thrown off by it.  Other than that night, he refuses to admit she even exists or existed.  I have not talked to her other than that night--she is over 20 years younger and from what I did learn, so many things that he doesn't like in a woman. The very next day he reached out to me again.  He told me he wanted a divorce that night, but never took action.   I honestly have no idea what the status of their relationship is--she lives like an hour away and earlier on his behavior had a pattern which is not present, but again, I really don't know.

I tried starting to detach a bit more, but struggled.  In September or October he started coming over more and spending the night.  He would come over almost every day and started taking me out on dates.  I was following some advice from a group that supports standing for marriage, but didn't really dive into MLC stuff until later in the fall.  I thought we were building and working on reconnecting.

Thanksgiving 2023 we had a great week together and great day, but that night he decided to throw everything in the pantry away to help the family be more healthy, and then was going to get in the car and take off.  I told him not to leave because he had been drinking and we had a huge argument, my son intervened and told him to leave.  He also called my parents for support.  My youngest was crying over everything in the pantry being thrown away. He left to go hunting and came back 3 days later and told me not to talk to him.  We pretty much were almost no contact for 3 weeks or so--only contact regarding kid events.  During this time he started reaching out to the kids and seemed to be trying to reconnect with them. Then he asked if he could come over for dinner.  He thanked me for dinner.  Since then I think has been trying to reconnect, but it comes and goes.  He will connect and then move away for a few days.  I have not seen Monster since Thanksgiving. 

We spent Christmas together.  Since Christmas, he has spent at least a couple nights a week at the house, we went on a family weekend away, and he took me to the deer lease for a weekend.  He has honored requests I have made to not leave without saying goodbye. 

We have not had any relationship status talk in months.  Every opportunity he has had to separate us financially etc, he does not.  I work full time and make decent money, but he earns more than I do.  He has not complained at all about my spending and has made sure financial needs are met. 

During this time, I started working out again, have lost 30 pounds.  I started learning how to play piano, saw a counselor for a while (she actually said that I was pretty self aware and reflective), started bible study more regularly, cooked more, cleaned house more, went to the firing range on my own, started being more aware of my dress, makeup hair, get nails done regularly, and most recently learned how to crochet.  Next, I am working on a garden at home. I have done a huge amount of reading and reflection on relationships, the 4 horsemen, forgiveness, and MLC. At this point, I am aware, that I would be considered a high value woman. 

A few weeks ago he texted me when he was out of town with his buddy (buddy stays with him during the week but is in the process of relocating and he frequently goes to his land out of state).  He said he wanted me to know he loved me, that I am the image of purity to him, and that he shouldn't tell me these things because they make him seem needy.  He said he wanted to talk to me when he returned, but that was 3 weeks ago, and we haven't had a talk. 

Lately, he has admitted that he has been having panic attacks, and I think he has been a little scared.  They feel like a heart attack, but he has had them checked out in the past. He has also said he is afraid he might be having alcohol withdrawal, which I take as an acceptance that he knows he might have a problem.  I have been much better and mirroring his communication and not reaching out when he is dark.  However, I do find that at times after I reach out, he seems to communicate a lot more.  I keep trying to get on with my life.  When I start struggling I try to sleep or pick up a new hobby.  Very few people in my life know that we are separated even though it has been a year.   He has been calmer and shared some reflections of things (about life and kids) that seem to reflect a much calmer and more rational state of mind.  We come from very different backgrounds, he is highly intelligent and successful,  but growing up his life was harder.  Both of his parents have passed away in their 50s, and I have both of mine.  He has little to no contact with his siblings.  He has a GED and I have a master’s degree (which seems to bother him), but I work in education and it is more required, his field allows more for experience. 

I think he is reconnecting slowly.  Any advice or insight is helpful.  Until I learned about the clinging boomerang, I thought I was losing my mind!

[Treasur]

Not sure I’m the most useful or appropriate responder, but weekends can be quiet so I wanted you to know you were heard until better folks come along to share their advice. My first thought, funnily enough, was that you might want to go back and read Hopeandfaith’s story who just posted an update, bc there may be some similarities in her situation and yours.

A few weeks ago he texted me when he was out of town with his buddy…..said he wanted me to know he loved me, that I am the image of purity to him, and that he shouldn't tell me these things because they make him seem needy.  He said he wanted to talk to me when he returned, but that was 3 weeks ago, and we haven't had a talk.

From reading stories here over the years, this is exactly what clinging boomerangs seem to do. Pop up, big declaration that sounds like it means something, then away they go. I think it makes it much harder to detach or see the wood for the trees bc of course most LBS believe - or want to believe understandably - it means some kind of progress towards the reconnection they want. But anecdotally, that is often not true; it’s more like an emotional burp. Bc these folks are driven by emotions turned up to 11…and those emotions can change between a Tuesday and a Thursday. Keeps you on the rollercoaster though, I’d imagine.

If this is how it seems to be, what do you want to do about it?
What do you think is in your best interests and best for you and your kids?
How can we best support you figuring out how to meet your own goals?

It sounds as if, in addition to whatever potential MLCish thing is underpinning his behaviour, there are two other big elephants in the situational room. Ow (or owomen) are one. And I’m so sorry you had to find out about ow the way you did; that must have been awful. I don’t know what your pov is about infidelity. Again, based on stories here, it is usually wise to accept that someone has lied to you makes it much more likely that they are still lying about other things. It can be a bit of a shock, almost like a series of small BDs, as the truths come out. Which of course often with time and events, they do. And his refusal to discuss it is not imho a good sign of reconnection, more an ongoing attempt to compartmentalise when it suits him. And to keep getting whatever it is he wants to keep getting from his interactions with you, your kids and the secrecy.

The other of course is his drinking. Again idk what your pov is about this, if it pre-dates BD or how much life experience you have of being around people who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But of course these folks lie and compartmentalise too, don’t they? It’s the nature of the beast. Which raises some really difficult questions for those that love them about the balance between supporting and inadvertently enabling.

So, three things at least….ow, drinking and whatever underpins his particular crisis. None of which are either caused or fixable by you.
So, what do you want to do with that?

Same question really….if this is how it currently is, how much or how little of it do you want to allow into your life and your kids’ lives? What is acceptable to you to work with and what is not? And what kind of boundaries do you want to put in place for the bits that are not? How can we best support you?

No judgement from me, regardless of your answers, if you choose to share them here. I can pretty much guarantee that there is not one single thing you have experienced, done, thought or felt that has not been shared by other LBS here at some point. You are not alone. You are not crazy. But you are in a situation which is profoundly distressing and confusing. One that is not primarily about you, but that doubtless affects pretty much every part of your life that you value most. There is no easy one size fits all solution for that; only a process, usually with some trial and error, of figuring out the sanest, wisest way for you to navigate it. And lots of invisible folks here who want to support you and your kids as you do. 

[Happylight]

Thank you for words of kindness. 

For now, I will continue standing.  I understand that I have choices, do feel very strongly about the vows that I made. For me, the vows that I made aren't negated by someone else's actions.  At some point, I may decide that I will release myself, but the time hasn't come for me yet. 

I would like to figure out how to detach a little more.  Also, I know I should have had more boundaries in the past, but I have learned a lot.  A few weeks ago I requested that he not leave the house without letting me know he's leaving (he would leave while I was walking the dog or in the shower), and he has made a point to show that he is respecting that request. Currently, I am not sure if I need to put any new boundaries in place.

A couple of changes in the last couple of weeks. He started taking some blood pressure medicine and has dramatically cut down his drinking.  The combination really seems to have taken the wind out of his sails.  He seems a lot more withdrawn.  However, when he is with me, he seems kind, helpful, and like he wants to be there.  When I text him, he is responsive if I need something.  I have tried to detach more by only messaging when I truly need something.  He's been running and avoiding (with drinking and other behaviors) for a couple of years now, and I don't know what it means that he isn't engaging in those behaviors right now. 

An additional complicating factor--He has a friend that is staying with him in the RV currently.  It is an older guy that he respects a lot.  He sold his house and was supposed to move out of state once his job wrapped up, but his job has lasted longer than expected, so he is there during the week and travels to his wife out of state most weekends. 

As for avoiding talking about anything, I haven't tried to mention or bring up anything in a while now.  I am not sure how to know when the time is right to try to ease into those types of conversations since most things advise avoiding relationship talk. I have been trying to avoid additional chaos in my kids' lives.  So, I have tried to avoid making too many changes at home.  I haven't said negative things about their father.  They are pretty intuitive (even though I have kept details from them) and in their own times have let him know a couple of times that they are angry with him, that I haven't said anything to them, but that they can see who is here. He seems to realize the distance he has created with kids and has been making some additional efforts with them in the last three months.  He has also admitted to not handling certain things well with them in the last 2 years, which is a huge shift. 

I am just trying to figure out if I am on the right pathway regardless the outcome.  The waiting is a killer...

[xyzcf]

Hi Happylight and welcome to HS.

I have been standing for our marriage for many years.  There are some other places that support my beliefs  but I have benefitted a great deal from what I have learned about MLC here.
I wrote today on another thread that I had difficulty with the word “detach”. There are so many memories, dreams that are not in my conscious control. What made more sense to me was accept what is. This was a better way for me to support my beliefs about marriage and what has happened to change him so greatly.
You might wish to look into Al Anon for support. As you know there is nothing you can do about his drinking.
As you stated, the waiting is very hard.

[UrsaMajor]

Hello Happy and "welcome" to the party that no one ever wanted a forced invitation to attend.

A little word on "detachment." The way it is bandied about here suggests different things but, going WAY back into the past when RCR first coined the term, it was seen to mean getting control of your own emotional well being and "detaching" your emotional well-being and stability from the emotional rollercoaster of the Mid-Lifer.

Later it was seen as some as meaning to detach from the MLC'er in some form or another and to retreat/isolate/remove one's self from the equation where the Mid-Lifer was involved or to detach one's self from the memories (the REAL memories) of the relationship that was there prior to the bomb going off. This would, naturally lead to the distancing of the LBS from the MLC'er and that is where some of the longer-term standing members of the forum take issue with the term I believe.

True "detachment" (as least as the term was initially meant) is a way of maintaining control over the one thing that you actually have control over and that is yourself. The Mid-Lifer has the emotional stability of a bowl of Jello on a hot day. Therefore, getting our own emotional basis under our control instead of being attached to the radical ups and downs of the MLC'er is what it is all about.

As RCR said once upon a time (and I am paraphrasing this), it is imperative that we (the LBS) detach our own emotions from the emotional Rollercoaster that is the MLC'er in order to avoid being whipsawed by their emotional turmoil. The main reasons for this are that a) we are NOT the cause of said turmoil (as much as they would LOVE to have us take that responsibility for them like we took the responsibility for many other things in our lives together a our marriages), and b) we can not control their emotional state of mind anymore than we can control the path of a tornado... but we CAN control our own state of being. We just need to take the ti9me to learn how to do that again as an individual instead of as a couple...

[Treasur]

A few weeks ago I requested that he not leave the house without letting me know he's leaving (he would leave while I was walking the dog or in the shower), and he has made a point to show that he is respecting that request. Currently, I am not sure if I need to put any new boundaries in place.

You might find it useful to read up a little on boundaries. I don’t know why him telling you when he’s leaving is important to you, but you are right that it is a request. And bc it is based on HISactions not YOURS, it is not in your control and therefore not a boundary as such.

An equivalent boundary might look more like ‘I don’t like people coming and going in my home without my knowing about it’ (as an example) and if someone is unable or unwilling to meet that, then I will change the locks/put the chain on the door when I am at home/take legal action if necessary to prevent them accessing my home etc etc (bc there are lots of possible choices we can make to honour our own boundaries).

Some boundaries are situational…if I find myself in x situation, this is what enables me to cope ok with the situation. And they can change as a situation changes. Some are more absolute, more about our own deeper sense of self and apply across most/all situations, so those tend not to change much or be dependent on a given situation. And sometimes we find out what our basic boundaries REALLY are bc we are placed for the first time in a situation that tests them….which can mean we find out things about ourselves than can be surprising or even uncomfortable.

And boundaries tbh are important actions, ours and others, as opposed to words.

But it tends to be centred on what OUR boundary line is actually ABOUT for US. And it takes a bit of trial and error to get the hang of boundaries if we are not used to then.

What boundaries do you feel you need and why? Or what do you see as the effects of not having them if as you say, you are not sure if you need different/new ones?

[Happylight]

I appreciate the input on detachment.  I do appreciate the different definitions and I feel like they may help me a little more.  I am much less impacted by his actions than I used to be, but not completely unaffected.  I do think the boomeranging has made it much more difficult.  The information I have learned about the MLC has helped me to process things in a much less emotional manner. 

I understand what was shared about boundaries.  I should have had some boundaries in response to monster, (projection, spewing, rage), but did not understand as well what was going on.  However, I haven't seen monster in almost 3 months now, but if he does return, I think that I will be able to use a boundary for my own well being. 

I understand that the boundary is for me.  I also believe he is cake eating--particularly in terms of meals.  Him eating the food at home isn't hurting me at all, so I don't believe a boundary is needed, but he is getting the best of both worlds in many ways here. 

The kids have no desire to visit him at the RV and it is difficult with the additional person staying there, so his visits to the house are when he sees the kids.  Many resources I have read also say that the less things are changed in the home, the easier it is for them to return.  So much of his behavior doesn't seem particularly permanent.  He really has no more clothing with him than he would have on a vacation.  He washes his clothes at the house and his closet and dresser are still mostly full.  He has made no attempt to find a different living situation.  At one point, he mentioned moving into the bedroom upstairs, but that was when his buddy was supposed to be gone, so as I stated, I am not sure what impact that living situation is having on everything. 

I have recently realized that, really, my whole life, my friendship were based on/built off of work related activities or kid related activities.  Although I still have the same job, I have actually been working to have more balance with work, and life has changed in the last couple of years with kid-related activities.  The number of people that actually know my situation in my circle is very small--around 10 including my parents, my kids, and my sister.  Mutual acquaintances don't know--although I think a few have figured it out.  This transition occurred on the tail of covid and lots of situational changes due to our son graduating and our daughters getting older, so many mutual social situations had already disappeared.  This has left me feeling kind of isolated.   I have done a lot on building and growing myself, but it has been mostly in isolation.  I don't know how to do things just for the sake of being social.   In some ways, keeping up with everything, doing my workouts, being the default parent has me tired and feeling overwhelmed, but also, I think that I need to do something to branch out.  Thinking about it makes me tired too. 

I think that I am also a bit burned out.  I have had my moments, and I have cried, and done stupid things, but I have never completely fallen apart.  I have always kept moving forward and took care of what needed to be done--adding more to my checklist at home.  Some days I just don't want to do anything, but also get frustrated when I am not productive and there is so much nobody else is doing. 

[KayDee]

  I don't know how to do things just for the sake of being social.   In some ways, keeping up with everything, doing my workouts, being the default parent has me tired and feeling overwhelmed, but also, I think that I need to do something to branch out.  Thinking about it makes me tired too. 

I think that I am also a bit burned out.  I have had my moments, and I have cried, and done stupid things, but I have never completely fallen apart.  I have always kept moving forward and took care of what needed to be done--adding more to my checklist at home.  Some days I just don't want to do anything, but also get frustrated when I am not productive and there is so much nobody else is doing.

IMO, if thinking about it makes you tired, you are probably not ready for it. The time will come when you feel ready. Or an opportunity will present itself. Try to trust yourself - you already said that you have previously built things (paraphrasing) - so, you can build  you can transfer that skill. When you are ready. Something I did, was try to say 'yes' to as many invites as I could. Now, I know I am on the mend, as I can turn things down, and look forward to nights in. I am now contemplating the 'new people' phase, but it's been 18 months for me.

Yes, you are very likely emotionally exhausted. Remember, fallow periods allow for new growth. I was the same as you. Had a bit of a 'lost' day today (hence I am here ) but they get fewer and further between.

[Reinventing]

The Mid-Lifer has the emotional stability of a bowl of Jello on a hot day. Therefore, getting our own emotional basis under our control instead of being attached to the radical ups and downs of the MLC'er is what it is all about.

Yes, I felt that I was literally attached to a ship listing at sea, bobbing up and down with big waves threatening to take me under. Once I realized that there was an OW (like most I couldn't comprehend that was true), then I realized I was also attached to her by being attached to him.

So I had to cut the line for a period of time, so to speak, to survive. I needed to not drown and then right my ship. Then, with time, I could heal and have a better view of what was happening and even make my way to shore for some stability.

It really felt like I was drowning, that I couldn't breathe due to the pain, until I learned to focus on me and learned coping strategies, which included exercise.

It's a very tough thing to go through.

[Happylight]

Trying to figure out how to really keep my expectations down. 

Friday my H decided to buy a new sectional for our living room-he asked me about it and I said I didn't really care, so he bought it.  He did not want his recliner moved out of the living room even though it doesn't go with the new furniture.  He spent almost the entire weekend at the house.  He seems to be connecting with the kids more.  He has also started walking the dogs with me sometimes, which is something that he hasn't done in the past, and he hasn't been working out with weights which he had been doing with vigor for most of the crisis. It's hard to put my finger on some of the changes.  Before I knew what was happening he seemed angry and irritable all the time--and that I could do nothing right, and then he was withdrawn and cold or hot, then he was kind of manic and very loving.  Now, he seems warm and more considerate, but deflated and kind of quiet and withdrawn.  Sometimes, when he is at the house, it seems like none of the last couple of years--especially the last year, ever happened. 

I keep telling myself he might randomly completely disappear on me, but it is very hard to live through these things and not have any expectation in them.  How do you keep yourself in check, but still allow them to build back with you--especially if they haven't broken the silence yet?