[Curiosity]

Jumping in on a couple of the topics here. First, some pages back, Acorn contributed regarding, among other things, the importance of healthy detachment. I cannot stress enough how essential that was for me. I remember reading various books and blogs and hearing about how the MLCer's actions aren't directed at the LBS; it's not personal; I needed to learn to not base my own happiness on the outcome of her crisis. And at the time, that was absolutely unfathomable to me. How could it possibly not be personal - it was the worst and most personal betrayal; it destroyed the very foundation of my life. And yet... as I started to work through it, I realized that that was my codependency talking. I had (and still have) an identity that is separate from and not reliant on my spouse or my marriage. My value and my path to peace and contentment and joy were mine alone to determine. And yes, I even came to accept that her crisis wasn't about me - it was about her own pain and past trauma and her attempt to find happiness via distractions and external validation and the dopamine rush of the new and exciting. And, as others have said... even if we forgive and reconcile and truly do move past the impact that BD had, it's impossible to forget it. BD was a traumatic event in our lives, and even though it hopefully doesn't define us, trauma does contribute to the shape and path of our lives.

An at-home wallower might resolve their crisis without leaving or divorcing, and maybe even without a physical affair... but I have a hard time seeing how they work through it and figure it out without at least an emotional affair. It might not even have a strongly romantic bent to it - but I think that for them to resolve it, they have to have the realization that the problem wasn't the marriage or the home life, but rather, was an internal problem within themselves. They can do that by leaving home, changing jobs, getting a new partner, or some combination of those things, perhaps. I feel like with wallowers it probably takes longer to resolve things, in general, because the high-energy MLCers can reach rock bottom pretty quickly while wallowers can just be stuck for long periods of time - even more so if they're still in their homes. I'm not saying that resolution without an affair and without leaving home is common, just that I do think it's possible. My W lived elsewhere for 7 months in 2020-early 2021, but she was in our home for several hours, 5-6 days a week, during that time. She had an emotional affair but no physical affair, and we never legally separated. It all played out over a shorter timeline than many of the stories here, and I don't know how much the pandemic affected the course of her crisis. But she moved back home in April 2021, and refers to her MLC as a time when she "doesn't even know who [she] was."

I'm not sure what that adds to the discussion; I'm from 2020 rather than 2017, and I've gone from posting at least daily (and visiting several times a day) to often going several months between visits and rarely posting on my own thread anymore. The main reason is just that there's not much new to say... we're just living our lives. It's not perfect; there was no earth-shattering revelation when we reconciled. We just mutually decided that we wanted to be each other's person again/still, and we are doing our best to do just that. We're wiser and a little scarred from our experiences, but we appreciate our relationship more because of that, I think.

[FrenchHusband]

Do folks here believe that it's possible for an at home wallower to resolve their crisis without leaving, or getting D'ed, or finding a willing alienator?

Aren't these elements required for them to actually work through their crisis and hit rock bottom?

Because if none of this happens, how do they come out of it?  We know time plays a roll, but hitting "rock bottom" or "experiencing a sense of loss" seems to be a core part of it too no?

Hi WHY,
yes there are examples of stories in the forum where spouses in crisis come out of it without divorcing and leaving. And if there is no alienator, I doubt the LBS (who is not really left behind) will find the forum.
Actually, I think there is a wide spectrum between MLT and MLC. I believe we all face "something" at mid life, either mild MLT, heavy MLT, mild MLC and heavy MLC.
For mild MLT I guess there is no destruction of the eventual marriage, no affair.
For heavy MLC, I would say that the final result is almost certain : destruction of the marriage, no recovery possible of the MLCer and no reconnection reconciliation possible.

In between, there is a big grey area where it is difficult to put labels. For the record, I think I had myself a MLT/mild MLC that lasted 3 years. Here you can read few more details. I have been able to come out of it without affair, without divorce, without leaving, without BD. My awakening, in hindsight, was just before W's BD : a trip in W's country where I had spent 2 very nice years 20 years ago. A feel of loss also, yes, when I found out about OM (during same trip). Then (and not before) I have begun to seriously work on myself, and I am still working on myself.

I don't know where to write it in the forum, I am currently reading "psychologie de l'inconscient"⁽¹⁾ by CG Jung. In this essay written in 1913, the author states that a person in MLC is likely to change job, life, and to divorce instead of working on himself and what is in the Unconscious. Familiar, isn't it ? In 1913 !

(1) I have not been able to find the name of this essay in English or even in Deutsch ?

[FaithWalker]

35 page of stories in 2017, where are all those LBS's now?

I imagine that all but a few who we might have tragically lost, they are out there living their lives with or without their former spouse.

I am friends with a few on Facebook that I met here.  Some post on occasion, some rarely post, and a few never post.  I had lunch with one a while back and she said that posting here kept her feeling stuck in her feelings.

I have not felt that same way, however, I do share more about me, and less and less about the MLCer.

We get along well when we are together for things that throw us together.  I get along with his wife.  He has not felt the need to speak deeply or apologize about anything that has happened in the past since we have divorced.  I no longer have that need to hear it.  If I do want to hear an apology, I click the link in my signature.  I continue to heal and I am going to assume that maybe I'll be truly healed when I can watch that apology video without tears.

90% of my life is awesome and amazing, but there is always 10% that reverberates the journey that I was thrown on in soundless waves that come back to trigger from time to time.

[Evermore]

35 page of stories in 2017, where are all those LBS's now?

I imagine that all but a few who we might have tragically lost, they are out there living their lives with or without their former spouse.

I am friends with a few on Facebook that I met here.  Some post on occasion, some rarely post, and a few never post.  I had lunch with one a while back and she said that posting here kept her feeling stuck in her feelings.

I have not felt that same way, however, I do share more about me, and less and less about the MLCer.

We get along well when we are together for things that throw us together.  I get along with his wife.  He has not felt the need to speak deeply or apologize about anything that has happened in the past since we have divorced.  I no longer have that need to hear it.  If I do want to hear an apology, I click the link in my signature.  I continue to heal and I am going to assume that maybe I'll be truly healed when I can watch that apology video without tears.

90% of my life is awesome and amazing, but there is always 10% that reverberates the journey that I was thrown on in soundless waves that come back to trigger from time to time.

I agree FW. I’m just living my life. But it’s still there under the surface. The percentage gets progressively less and less I think. Not sure it’ll ever entirely go away.

[Dragonfly33]

35 page of stories in 2017, where are all those LBS's now?

  I no longer have that need to hear it.  If I do want to hear an apology, I click the link in my signature.  I continue to heal and I am going to assume that maybe I'll be truly healed when I can watch that apology video without tears.

90% of my life is awesome and amazing, but there is always 10% that reverberates the journey that I was thrown on in soundless waves that come back to trigger from time to time.

I saw this video 3 years ago and I was in tears. My xh apologised so many times but I don't think he meant it because afterwards he would blame me. I never got a proper apology from him without blaming me. And I don't wait for that anymore. I have moved on but like you said some things still linger on.