[UrsaMajor]

As far as the rest of that post UM- if anyone chooses to fight for their relationship and believe in the greater good of the human race, then by all means go for it, regardless of the statistics or odds.

They say that 10-15% of divorced couple reconcile. "They say" is a dangerous statement, but let's assume it correct. 10 out of 100, is not that bad. And considering the number of divorces, there should be hope if that is what anyone wants.

Hope is one thing, expectations are something else.... Fighting for something when you are like a one-legged person in a butt-kicking contest is neither productive nor is it healthy. Quietly standing and being a lighthouse for the wayward spouse while continuing on one's own journey of growth and healing is a different story. It depends on where one is putting their focus. While the MLC'er is in the throes of their crisis, the LBS fighting to save the marriage is like going outside, standing in the path of a tornado, yelling at it and waving your arms and expecting the tornado to change it's course.

As for the "they say" the saying I was taught long ago is "there are liars, there are darn liars, and then there are statisticians."  And finally there is the "let's assume." That is translated as "Let's ASS-U-ME." With a Mid-Lifer, one can not assume ANYTHING because any assumption is based on previous experience with said Mid-Lifer and that person has been replaced by the body snatcher pod in the garden shed or the Bug in the Edgar suit. The danger with such statistics is that they are too general - 10% of all divorces? Of MLC divorces? Infidelity included? Divorces brought about by addictions?  We can just as well toss a pot of cooked spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks.

By all means, if one wants to stand and hold out hope that their Mid-Lifer will someday get their head out of their .... fog.... then more power to them but NOT at the cost of their own happiness and health.....

[Dragonfly33]

This is just so true UM. When I was new to all this MLC bull$h!te, all I was looking for were statistics of reconciliation and MLCers coming out of the fog remorseful wanting to get back with the LbSer. It’s been almost 5 years for me through this MLC $h!te show. And my xh is still going stronger with his very young OW4. No traces of remorse or regret or whatever it is a normal human being should feel or do after bulldozing his marriage and his spouse’s life. As hard as it is to accept, I don’t hope anymore. Hoping for me is like hoping the crow will become white someday. I’ve accepted that that person is gone and I have to continue this life without that man. If one keeps on looking at statistics it will just hinder you from moving forward. I was also focused on finding out how many MLCers eventually split up with the Ow or were having a messy life. But some of them did have a good life after divorce. It’s pointless to continue to follow their lives and it’s a waste of time. I still struggle at this and honestly I hope my xh would have a $h!tety life now but he doesn’t. He is happy with his OW after 2 years of being together. So yeah, that is also a hard truth to accept. All I can do now is keep on taking that hard step forward until the memory of my xh becomes just a small dot in the far distance.

[KayDee]

He is happy with his OW after 2 years of being together. So yeah, that is also a hard truth to accept. All I can do now is keep on taking that hard step forward until the memory of my xh becomes just a small dot in the far distance.

Ah but maybe not DF - wasn't he the guy who sent you the woe-is-me card not so long ago  ? I guess it's extremely hard to know. Everyone thought my H was happy and then he fractured. Probably the same for most people's MLC spouses. But, I guess the point is to move beyond wanting them (secretly or otherwise) to be hit by the No 46 Karma Bus, and not be affected by things either way. That's maybe the final string cut.

BTW, I thought MCM was being satirical. I liked the reversal of roles he offered. It did make me reflect. We do spend a lot of time on the crisis subject. It can help us to heal to understand, I think, but accepting a state of not knowing needs to be factored in. Especially as the person in crisis often doesn't know themselves.

[WHY]

Going dark, NC.  Whatever you want to call it.  I just look forward to a time where I dont have to think or deal with MLC on a daily basis with an at home wallower. 

And isnt it more like 5% get remarried?  I thought this came up earlier?  The odds are terrible. 

I do love the standing in the way of a tornado and yelling at it to change it's path analogy.  Definitely gonna remember that one.  Spot on.

For me personally, stats do matter.  It has zero effect on my expectations because of the caveat that everyone is different.  You cannot predict the end result.  BUT, it does affect the level of hope that one has.  And do you keep standing, taking daily artillery, with the hope that the war will end at some point and "then see what happens".  Or rather just wave the white flag (which is D), move on, and also then also "see what happens". 

If the see what happens is essentially the same, then why take the daily mental torture and artillery?

When this thing started for me, a couple of vets told me that most folks here wished they would have D'ed upfront and that the "marriage" stand was not worth it.  They were not wrong IMO.... (in general). 

To me the stand has evolved into the process where the LBS survives the nukes that are initially dropped, stops the bleeding, leaves the ER for rehab, starts to heal the wounds that have been inflicted, gets stronger, then adapts to their new way of life, and learns to thrive so they are ready to take the next step into their new life.

[One day at a time]

+1 on the years at this and xH showing 0 sign of remorse or wanting to come back.

BD 1 was nearly 7 years ago and he left nearly 6 years ago.. He's now married to OW and supposedly happy. I left him to go and live the MLC life from very early on so I did not "delay" or "interfere" with the process. Because of the laws here, we remained married for over 4 years after the marriage was over... He doesn't know I moved on so you could say he assumes he can at least apologize for what he's done, he hasn't....

I think hanging on to statistics is really not good for the LBS. My advice would be to live your life and see where it takes you. You can always reconsider if/when the opportunity comes up for reconnection.

[Dragonfly33]

KD honestly I’m amazed at your memory, while my memory is like that of a fish. Can’t even remember what my friend told ne two days ago. 🙈 I take it as a compliment that you remembered what I wrote here. He did send me that lousy card but who knows like you said. It could be just an ego boost for him to check if Im still under his spell. Who knows like you said. But for now both of them seem like living their best lives. So like I said, hoping can be very detrimental to ones healing or moving forward. There were moments where I did hope that my xh would come out of it even though I am not even sure if I am still willing to accept him. But what Im trying to say is based on my experience the hope was not helping me instead it hurt me even more. Just my two cents.

[WHY]

Side note: so 660 active users, the handful of recon stories that folks have mentioned here.

Does anyone recall an at home wallower story that lead to reconnection/reconciliation?  I'd love to read it for my own interest.

Thanks.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Why,

there you have a few stories of LBS with at home MLCers that lead to reconciliation. I did not record the energy-type status in my database so you have to check the ones fitting with your category.
BBHelp   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0
Acorn   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9504.0;all
StormChaser   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;u=6734
neversaynever   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10600.0;all#lastPost
Foreverstander   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3953.0
Broken hearted 1971   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10268.0;all#lastPost
elray   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4523.msg296246#msg296246 (no thread, many messages)

with the few datas I have on male LBS stories, it looks like the odds are a bit better with at home wife, but these datas are not enough to be significant.

[mcm64d]

All I was trying to really say is what is the difference what the statistics say.... if a woman or man wants to reconcile then no statistic in the world should stop them trying. I want to believe in the human spirit. The good that is all around us. I will support anyone who wants to try to either save their marriage or reconcile with their ex spouse. You have to accept the consequences either way it turns out beforehand. If you can do that, then go for it if you feel that is best for you!!

And KayDee.....just using a little sociological imagination. I thought in my case I handled things the nest I could but must have driven her mad with some things. (And good for me!!  - Just kidding)

[beyondblessed]

Well, the real statistics that matter IMO is "how many LBS will be better, grow and thrive ?" I personaly, don't want back into my current W's life. I am swimming where I choose to swim. I still let the door open for her to come back, if she faces her inner demons, if she wants genuinely to work on our marriage and if she shows constant efforts to rebuild what is broken. In the future I might close this door, by example if there are big damages in the next months/years.

FH,  then you are in luck, because there are many of us long LBS who are thriving and making the absolute best of the rest of our lives, without reconnecting or reconciling.  Now, that's a statistic worth celebrating.

*Fixed quote brackets - FW