[UrsaMajor]

It's a discussion thread which has, ironically, gone way off piste from the original question;has that been answered by the way?

No but mostly because there is no real answer to where all the LBS's from 2017 are today.... They are somewhere out there int eh worlkd... Some are still here (My ABD was December 2015 so ....). Others have moved on, begun new R's, gotten married, have likely reconnected, possibly reconciled but the fact is we don't KNOW where they are if they don't come back to post.

The reasons they choose not to come back and post  are as myriad as the the LBS's themselves are....

[HeavenlyFocus]

What I benefitted most from was the support of others. Honestly, HS was very different then.  I also needed to discuss what was causing MLC...some of those discussions were pretty wild.  But they helped me to get to the place where I was ready to accept. My faith also plays a big part in my hope and how I chose to treat my husband.

When I first joined HS years ago, I must have ready every thread with a female MLCer going back to early years so I could both understand and have some hope that my marriage could eventually be saved.   This helped me get through the toughest times during the first two years when family and friends in my life truly didn't have a clue.

Years later, I don't have the desire or really need to update as much.  The truth is my MLC XW is still a mess and not much has changed.   I felt I was telling the same story every month and got to the point where it felt like Ground Hog day.

What I hope for myself is that I continue down my journey for healing and never let what my XW did to me or my family cause bitterness in my life.   I accepted what has happened and am just moving forward.

I don't need to know now why my XW did what she did nor what has happened to others.   Just hope that all LBS here in the forum find peace with their new lives with or without their their MLC partner.   

HF

[Shining Star]

I started my story in 2013 or 2014 when I found the site and I had gotten the " I don't want to be married anymore."  I wrote for years trying to navigate what was happening.  After the boomerang stage and all the crazy behavior, he divorced me.  He moved to another state to be with OW.  The two times that I have seen him since 2017 at family events, he has ignored me as if we were strangers.  Last summer I approached him at a wedding and told him it had been a long time and was it possible to have a relationship as friends and meet once a year to make sure the other person was ok.  He said he had moved past any need to have me in his life.  The fact I am so irrelevant and not worth a cup of coffee once per year.... that hurt.  In his mind, I am dead.  So no, sadly, in my case he never returned or even tried to be civil.  It has been 10 years since it started, divorced 5. It is very sad.  I have built a new life and from the outside it looks very successful and fun.  On the inside, I am still a shell of a human, but I fake it well!!

[nah]

Old timer here that doesn't post anymore.
If the sad sausage ever pops out of his hole, I promise I will let you all know.
In the early days, I was obsessed with this site. I would scan through the pages looking for the reconciliation pages. “Stayed” was here at the time, and others, their stories gave me hope. I needed that hope to breathe. I was so 100% sure he would come back. Everyone in my life told me he would come back. Luckily for me, he never did.

[Atari25]

What I benefitted most from was the support of others. Honestly, HS was very different then.  I also needed to discuss what was causing MLC...some of those discussions were pretty wild.  But they helped me to get to the place where I was ready to accept. My faith also plays a big part in my hope and how I chose to treat my husband.

When I first joined HS years ago, I must have ready every thread with a female MLCer going back to early years so I could both understand and have some hope that my marriage could eventually be saved.   This helped me get through the toughest times during the first two years when family and friends in my life truly didn't have a clue.

Years later, I don't have the desire or really need to update as much.  The truth is my MLC XW is still a mess and not much has changed.   I felt I was telling the same story every month and got to the point where it felt like Ground Hog day.

What I hope for myself is that I continue down my journey for healing and never let what my XW did to me or my family cause bitterness in my life.   I accepted what has happened and am just moving forward.

I don't need to know now why my XW did what she did nor what has happened to others.   Just hope that all LBS here in the forum find peace with their new lives with or without their their MLC partner.   

HF

I have a feeling I am following you 2 years behind. I still think my marriage has a chance to be saved but I am losing some hope over time. While she hasn't pushed forward with anything, she is as confusing and weird as ever.

I still wake up every night at 2-3 am and start  thinking about it all. It's truly a bad nightmare.

[gman242]

Just throwing my two cents in here.. I think that at the root of it, the MLC'er got that way through being at some level, avoidant attached and for that reason alone, they are very, very unlikely to take an responsibility in repairing the relationship.

We all more or less agree that these crisis happen through FOO issues ad trauma and our spouses have spent the better parts of their lives avoiding dealing with their pain and issues and we have no reason or expectation to think that it will change in the future. The fact that many of these MLCers end right back up into situations they claim they wanted out of with us is proof enough I think or even the constant replay. They're so used to keeping on a mask, keeping everyone in the dark about their inner issues and when the jig is up, one way or the other, they just move on and continue the charade.

That's literally what happened to me. When my ex and I first got together, I woke up in bed alone to find her sitting in the dark holding a knife to her arm crying. Years later, I realized now I caused her crisis by quiet quitting my marriage. So she began cheating, got pregnant and got herself situated with OM and then she tried to kill herself again. I went an visited her in the crisis center. She was a crying wreck, sorry for everything that had happened, telling me everything was a mistake and that she didn't belong there and then when visiting time was up, she literally shrugged it off, became "normal" and walked back into the center. The transformation was mind-blowing and truly revealing of this kind of "mask" that they can wear. Looking back now, it was obvious, how many times she moved from family member to family member, job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend and so on, as she was exposed for who she was.

That was my situation, but anyway, my advice is is they want to go, let them. You focus on you. Live. Live the life you want to, that you should have, that you've always yearned for.. whatever it is, do it, be it. Don't let regret, fear or shame hold you back or keep you holding on. None of that stopped them from leaving. It shouldn't stop you from living either.

[in it]

I don't post I read and address wherever I might see abuse happening. In my humble opinion some LBS put up with way too much crap from the Mlcer.
I first posted in 2010.
I've moved on.
Total NC for 11 years.

[HeavenlyFocus]

I have a feeling I am following you 2 years behind. I still think my marriage has a chance to be saved but I am losing some hope over time. While she hasn't pushed forward with anything, she is as confusing and weird as ever.

I still wake up every night at 2-3 am and start  thinking about it all. It's truly a bad nightmare.

Hi Atari25,

I like the quote from Shawshank Redemption "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"

I still have hope in my life but it has changed from hoping for my marriage to hoping that my XW finds peace someday.   I have forgiven her and yet have not forgotten what she did to me and my family.   I still deal with confusion and weird actions frequently.   My focus has been on my two girls and my own healing.   Hope you can get some peaceful nights sleep in the future as you will be ok not matter what the outcome with your wife.

*Fixed quote - FW

[Songanddance]

I have forgiven her and yet have not forgotten what she did to me and my family. 

I haven't forgotten what my H did although I forgave him long ago. 

I personally don't think we should "forget" what happened. We can put the BD and subsequent fallout to one side, we can store it in a box - it's the feelings that arise that we need to deal with and move forward from inch by inch. 

If I forgot - it's as if it never happened.  It's a bit like saying that when a beloved pet dies - we eventually forget about them.  I don't think we can.

Let's put it this way; I don't intend to forget -not out of anger or victimhood but because it was what  life threw at me and it's how I recovered and moved forward. Without apportioning blame - I don't let my H forget either.  Not out of anger or victimhood, but  because him forgetting means that he cannot truly grow into a better human being; it would be so easy for him to sweep it under the carpet.
Maybe it's different for me because my H was a stay at homer for 9 years. 6 of those years, I saw thw worst of MLC on a daily basis - it's hard work and not so easy to forget.

MLC for many is traumatic - work has to be done in order to heal. We learn to forgive but IMHO - we shouldn't "forget" because it means we have learned and grown and understood how to set new boundaries, to recognise pain in others, to support others in pain, developed phenomenal empathy skills, chosen new paths for ourselves etc.....

[WHY]

Do folks here believe that it's possible for an at home wallower to resolve their crisis without leaving, or getting D'ed, or finding a willing alienator?

Aren't these elements required for them to actually work through their crisis and hit rock bottom?

Because if none of this happens, how do they come out of it?  We know time plays a roll, but hitting "rock bottom" or "experiencing a sense of loss" seems to be a core part of it too no?