[formalgiraffe]

Is my husband having a MLC?
Sorry this is long.
Back story: 17 years together, married for 13. We moved across the country a couple years ago for a better life. He's about to turn 40.

He blindsided me back in July when I was 3 months pregnant. After he left he didn't go to any appointments or ultrasounds. Basically acted like me and the baby didn't exist. Had baby in late January. We also have a 6 year old.

After he left I snooped his google account and found out he had been talking to a women for just a couple weeks. The women was someone he went to high school with and she lived on the other side of the US. The day after he left he booked a plane trip to go see her for 2 weeks later. Phone logs showed thousands or texts between them and 2-3 hour phone calls like they were teenagers again lol. He stayed with her over a week and then flew back. 3 weeks after that he took his new truck and drove across the country, packed her & her kids up and moved them to our state and is now living with them after barely knowing her for 8 weeks. They've been living together since early October. After he left he opened a new bank account and stopped his direct deposit into our joint one. Maxed out a credit card.

I'm not usually one to talk sh*t about other women but she's the complete opposite of me which is even more baffling. I have no tattoos or crazy piercings and she has tons of tattoos/piercings and for 17 years he always told me HATED women like that. She's got about a half a foot on my height and about 50lbs. You can tell she's been around the block with men...very thirsty on her socials. He was my one & only.

For the most part he was pretty good to me, took care of me and gave me everything I wanted. He was my best friend, we did everything together. He's never been good at communicating or emotional intelligence though. Right around the time he left he started a new business with my brother and it was failing. He also abandoned that. My brother is out a large sum of money that he gave to him for the start up. It's like something flipped in his brain. Everyone is completely baffled. He cut all ties with my family and anyone I told the story too. I mean something has to be seriously wrong with you to replace your whole family/life that fast. It's like our 17 years never existed or meant anything to him. He only texts me about our son. The baby is 8 weeks old and has only spent a total of 6 hours with her probably cause he doesn't want to he around me. It's been so hard to do the newborn thing without him when he was so involved with our son. It hurts so bad not having him here and I'm also so angry he's left me to care for our son & baby all on my own (besides every other weekend he takes our son) when he purposely made this baby with me. It's bewildering.

I keep thinking if he was with me for 17 years then he's probably going to be with her for a long time and I'm going to have to deal with my kids having to play house with these 2 terrible people who broke me. I can't stand the thought. Right now my attorney has a restraining order that he can't bring our kids around her but if they get married that won't work. I feel like it would probably be better to beg him to come back then keep suffering for years. I believe he got in limerence with how fast it all happened. It was an escape. He had never been unfaithful before, it's not like he was a serial cheater or anything? I feel like I'm going to be tortured for years to come especially if he marries OW. But truthfully even if I begged I know he wouldn't come back. I think he must love his new life with no real responsibilities. Her kids are teens, not littles.

Now he is really turning into a monster. Right after he left he said I could have the house for our kids, my business, my parents (who also live on the property). He said be knew how important it was too me. Well then after he got caught cheating that all changed. He now wants his half for him and the OW. She was looking at engagement rings and wedding dresses when our baby was 2 weeks old?! Moving is going to be catastrophic for me. He set up my whole business here and I really have no way to replicate it. My parents help me with the kids everyday while I work. They have no where to go either. We are all stuck in this state and really don't know anyone. I can't afford to buy him out. I am so screwed. I believe he's trying to ruin me so then he can get the kids? Idk. This is all surreal to me. I think the OW really is just using him for the money he'd get as it'd probably be around 400k. They could buy a house and have no mortgage. Her ex told me she was broke and looking for a savior.

When this first started I didn't consider it could be a MLC and I keep thinking that maybe I handled this all the wrong way? I filed a month after he left because of financials and was worried about my son with him. He also told me to file and that he wanted a divorce. I filed on the grounds of adultery (fault state). At first I was so angry & hurt I did want the divorce but now after reading about MLC idk. I'm about 10k in and mediation was a fail because of him. He's just so angry at me now. Does this sound like a MLC? Or is he just evil lol. Idk how to handle him. He completely ignores me. Our only communications are about the kids. I'm civil with him, shockingly. Is there a way to get through to him?! I don't want to loose my house. I just want this nightmare to end

[Reinventing]

Formalgiraffe, we are sorry you are here, and glad you posted. His behaviors sound familiar to a lot of folks here from their own experiences.

As far as your questions, please first prioritize protecting your finances in your decisions. That is a primary consideration, given your business, your childcare, and living situation.

It's hard to imagine going through this with small children, especially with going through a pregnancy, birth and baby. Kudos to you for surviving.

Yes, OW sounds typical--trying to find someone to save her, especially financially.

Others will come along with more to say. Take care of yourself; that is the most important thing for you and your children. He's not sounding like a dependable person right now in any aspect of his life.

[Rollercoasterider]

Does this sound like a MLC?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here's what I want you to do: Enroll in Understanding Midlife Crisis. It's free. It's a video series that is--I think--around 2 hours total and it will drip across 3 days. Watch it. You are describing MLC, now I want you to understand what that means.
Next, read The Affair Down articles--just to note, these links may be changing as I'm working to move the articles and the new location doesn't allow _ [underscores] in the urls. I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back to the urls on the forum and edit them or not--14 years to edit may be too much!
Then check out Emotional Blackmail By Susan Forward--this is also to help you understand the Affair Down.

Undertanding MLC is important, but it's not as important as your healing and Detachmenrt and taking care of your precious babies. I tell you to do it first though, because you need to get it out of you--get the questions, thoughts, obssessive ruminating... and Understanding Midlife Crisis is meant to answer some basic questions so you cn then redirect your focus to you, your healing and your children. The MLC questions may still be there, but more background and you'll be better able to let-go of the obssessiveness in exchange for functionality and snity. Life will still be crazy, but you're going to be able to handle the crazy when you are better able to focus onn healing and detachment.

[KayDee]

Dear FG, so sorry to read all that you have been through. It is truly devastating. Other more seasoned souls will likely come forth with support, but I wanted to quickly mention something that may help your current mindset. When we are in the early maelstrom of this crisis we ourselves are in a blind panic. Our world has been turned upside down and we can end up be dragged along at the same manic speed as our MLC spouse. Everything for the MLCr is now, now, now. But that is about him - not you and your kids. I was in a similar situation to you regarding my home - 6 weeks in my H was pushing me to divide asset and sell the house, when I could barely get the essentials done. I felt so unsafe and bewildered. But then I realised, I didn't have to do anything he said and what needed to be done, I could do at my own pace.

All that is to say, if you can unhitch your wagon from his mad MLC engine - respond, not react - that will really help. I don't know the law where you are, but I would be very surprised if anyone, especially with very small children and aging parents at home, would be forced to sell up in an unreasonably short period of time. Especially if you add that the home premises is also a source of income for said dependents. That 'rush' and the panic you feel, that is coming from  your H. If you can, try to at least detach from his wild gold rush mentality, that will really help you create some immediately stability. The emotional side, that is harder to detach from, but having some solid ground and space to do that, without threats of upheaval, that is a good first step. Hugs, KD

[Treasur]

Well, yes, Formalgiraffe, and if RCR says so too, good enough right? I don’t know if it helps, but you are not the only poster here BD,d when pregnant, not the only one where an MLC spouse spends money like water, creates debt or runs away from debts, not the only one with a ‘long lost’ ow who is an obvious car wreck in her own right, not the only one with an ow looking at engagement rings in minutes, not the only one going through an MLC-type legal process with an MLCer who seems to think legal obligations only apply to you, not the only one stood in the rubble of your life trying to think about how to keep a roof over your head. I don’t say this to diminish any of it….but it’s worth flagging bc it can remind you that a) this really isn’t your fault (unless you believe the rest of us were all horrid people/spouses lol) and b) you can survive this bc others did. Not easy, but possible. Oh and c) you are not crazy  And d) we get it, and there is probably not a single thought, feeling or challenge you have right now that at least some folks here won’t be nodding along with.

You are not alone.
You did not cause this, it’s not your fault, you are not responsible for it and you can’t stop, fix or control the bit of it that is about what he thinks, feels or does. Or the pretty predictable consequences that come from his choices. Sorry.

What you can do is to choose how you respond to it and navigate the consequences that fall from it. You are not as helpless as you probably feel right now. You do have choices, even if some of them feel like a choice between crappy A and crappy B. When in doubt, pick the least crappy for you and the kids and the choice that least depends on him imho  Follow the advice of your lawyer - and wow, how strong are you to have the courage to file so quickly bc you saw the financial realities, I take my hat off to you.

What is your lawyer saying about what your financial situation, rights and obligations post divorce? I ask this bc imho most MLCers are like childish bullies….they want what they want regardless of the damage, the law and obvious reality…so they have tantrums and throw threats around and lie and steal. Sorry. Unlikely that a man running from his obligations and responsibilities is doing so to ‘get’ his kids tbh, much more likely that he just wants all of the cake and doesn’t care about anyone else involved. Which is why it’s very important to not buy what he’s selling….he can feel entitled to run up debt, welch on your brother, not meet any alimony or child support obligations etc etc….but the fact that he wants it does not make it so, does it? That’s not how adult RL usually works. So, let your lawyer deal with the lawyer stuff assuming you trust them to do a decent job for you and your kids.

Which swings me round to the practicalities….
Again jmo, but the LBS process for most of us - and please be kind with yourself that you are still a relative newbie trying to figure stuff out as you go - tends to involve a kind of triage. Where we look at what we have to accept and navigate around, at what we need to let go, at what we want to keep that we can reshape, at what we can recreate in a different way or build from scratch. And that can be painful. And it can also create new opportunities and choices. Albeit when we probably also feel overwhelmed and a bit helpless, right? But we get it and we will support you the best we can as you figure this stuff out to come up with what is best for you and your kids and everyone else affected.

How do you and your parents feel about staying in the same state? And what does your lawyer say about your rights and legal constraints on moving?
Do you have a better place in mind that would work for you? (Not sure if the move was bc of a better job for him, for you, or moving closer to your family or something else?)
Or what you needs and constraints are about your own work life? Or your parents’ needs or financial involvement?

If you envisaged the kind of life and place that would suit you and your kids best for the next few years, and that you think you could run independently as a solo parent, what do you think that might look like? I guess it might be a bit different in some ways, but different does not always mean bad. And again jmo, but when someone else’s actions that we can’t control upend our lives, there can be a great comfort in feeling that we regain some control over our choices. But of course the devil is in the detail, isn’t it?

RCR’s advice to learn more about what the term means sounds wise. And in the course of that, you can consider what it means to/for you in your current situation.

We are all very sorry that you and your kids are in this situation.
How can we support you best right now?

[Nas]

It takes a special kind of coward to do what he’s done. Please take good care of yourself, eight weeks postpartum is stressful on the body on top of this emotional nightmare.

A lot of things you wrote brought back memories. I am so glad to hear that you filed. I hope that means that you have a very good lawyer giving you advice and telling you what your rights are. As hard as it is right now, practicalities are truly critical at this point. The other woman sounds hideous and because you have loved your husband for so long, you’re going to want to default to blaming her for a lot of things he does and says, but please remember that he is a grown man making his own choices. And seeing it that way might help you when it comes to making tough decisions because you need to do the things that benefit you and not “you and your H” as you are used to.
Arm yourself with legal advice. Know your rights when it comes to your children. The implicit or explicit threat of taking your kids from you is something a narcissist would do. And you are in a vulnerable place emotionally, not to mention probably being exhausted beyond belief with an eight week old baby. My heart breaks for you.

[mcm64d]

FG-

I am so sorry you are going through this at all much less during pregnancy and child birth.

We have all been through similar circumstances. You are so brave and strong to be going through all this at this time. This is about him not you. That itself does little to make the entire situation better or go away. But it is vital to your now and future. There are plenty of caring, empathetic, intelligent people here that will listen without judgment. They are beautiful people.

Please reach out to all of us at any moment you feel the need. We have your back through all of this.

[titleholder]

Hey FG!

I just want to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this, nobody deserves this but especially during pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum this must me crazy hard. It just shows you how crazy they are..

We have another new member (Hollie220423) who is experiencing sort of the same thing as you as her husband BD happened during the pregnancy. It's always helping to have somebody who can relate to what you're experiencing.

I wasn't pregnant but my xH BD me after my daughter was just 1 years old and started behaving bat$h!te crazy after she was born. I'm almost 2 years in. You can always DM if you want somebody to talk to or read my thread, maybe it helps you.

The best advice I got here is focus on your kids and protect your own (mental) health and finances. I asked him to leave 3 months after BD because he wouldn’t stop contact with OW and divorced him 2 months later. It was and still is heartbreaking but I can tell you that these actions made sure he couldn't drag me down with him anymore. I'm really proud of the stable enviroment I created for my daughter. It's sad that her dad is acting the way he is and is a small part of her life, but that's the choice he made and it's the consequence he has to carry.

It will take time, but I can tell you. Things will get better. You got this <3!

[formalgiraffe]

Thank you. I did all my homework besides reading the emotional blackmail book but I definitely get the gist of it. All of it makes sense, especially the depression and trying to find a new identity part. I know I was putting a lot of pressure on him in regard to that new business he started. I was on his case because I was stressed too. IDK but I feel like I definitely played some type of part in this.
When I saw him last weekend I noticed he dyed his beard?! It looked really weird and 100% something he would never do previously lol.

I feel like now that I know all this info I wish I didn't file for divorce so soon. The monthly attorney bills are killing me and we aren't getting anywhere because he's so unreasonable. We now have to pay for a GAL for the kids because he made some false accusations about me and my family. I feel like if I didn't file he probably wouldn't have for a while unless the OW made him and I guess judging by her looking at engagement rings she probably would have sooner than later. I guess what's done is done.

In a way, I feel really bad for him because I know someday he's going to get out of that fog and realize what he's done. He was such a great father to our son when he was a baby, he truly loved raising him and now he's missing out on raising his daughter....he can't get this time back. They are only babies once.

It also feels weird knowing all this information and you just have to sit back and watch them continue to self destruct. Like you want to go scream at them to wake up and explain to them about everything that is going on but you can't, can you? The first 2 weeks that he left I tried to beg him to come home and after he took the trip & officially cheated on me I stopped & just let him go. IDK if that was the right thing to do or not.

He's supposed to come get all his big stuff in the shop this week and it's giving me so much anxiety knowing it's another step closer to him being gone from my life forever. I guess it's just harder to let him go since we have a baby. I am doing this all on my own & I'm tired and miss his help. Is this something I should convey to him or just keep it no contact except about kid stuff? I've never let him in on how much I miss him & our family. I've just been trying to look like I'm doing ok without him and living life, which I have been. I have been trying to detach the best I can but having to see him with our baby is making it so hard.
He is definitely a vanisher, btw.

Does this sound like a MLC?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here's what I want you to do: Enroll in Understanding Midlife Crisis. It's free. It's a video series that is--I think--around 2 hours total and it will drip across 3 days. Watch it. You are describing MLC, now I want you to understand what that means.
Next, read The Affair Down articles--just to note, these links may be changing as I'm working to move the articles and the new location doesn't allow _ [underscores] in the urls. I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back to the urls on the forum and edit them or not--14 years to edit may be too much!
Then check out Emotional Blackmail By Susan Forward--this is also to help you understand the Affair Down.

[formalgiraffe]

Thank you for the encouragement and kind words! This has definitely been an interesting journey and being we're only 7 months in, it's just the beginning. It has affected my whole family since he doesn't really have a lot of family and my whole family basically adopted him.

Really, this house is the only thing that would keep me in this state. All of us would love to go back to our home state. We are currently in SC and are from CA so of course that would be very challenging for setting up visitation for the children I feel he would definitely fight it. I would have to prove that us moving is more beneficial than staying here. It's going to be hard to find another property here that also have room for my parents (who help me out SO MUCH since he left) and that has the land I need for my business (dog training, boarding, breeding). Having to start from the ground up again and especially without his help, sounds quite depressing BUT I will do what I need to do for my kids. At least in CA I have tons of friends & family that would help me out. There will lots of challenges if we stay here but besides my parents I do have 2 brothers here and some of one of my brothers in-laws we are close with. I'm sure they can help me rebuild here. Not sure where I would end up though since I'd have to look all over the state for the right place.

So, yeah, he's REALLY going to throw my life for a loop...oh and all this with a baby lol. Sometimes I feel like it's a bad dream.

How do you and your parents feel about staying in the same state? And what does your lawyer say about your rights and legal constraints on moving?
Do you have a better place in mind that would work for you? (Not sure if the move was bc of a better job for him, for you, or moving closer to your family or something else?)
Or what you needs and constraints are about your own work life? Or your parents’ needs or financial involvement?

If you envisaged the kind of life and place that would suit you and your kids best for the next few years, and that you think you could run independently as a solo parent, what do you think that might look like? I guess it might be a bit different in some ways, but different does not always mean bad. And again jmo, but when someone else’s actions that we can’t control upend our lives, there can be a great comfort in feeling that we regain some control over our choices. But of course the devil is in the detail, isn’t it?