[xyzcf]

Good that you are seeing and therapist and taking meds.

Most of our friends and family do not understand why this is so darn hard......I would not have understood unless I had been through it.

Having financial worries doesn't help, nor a safe place of your own to live.

This is fact. The more stressors you have in your life, the greater the risk of getting sick. This is a checklist of events with a numberical value to determine how many stressors one has had in the past year.

https://www.dartmouth.edu/eap/library/lifechangestresstest.pdf

It helps to understand that because of the many things happening, your whole system is disturbed. You are living in a flight/flight/freeze state...most likely the "freeze state"....these are actual physiological states, the body's attempt to survive but they can become detrimental if they exist for too long. Here is a chart that I could really relate to, how I could see that my feelings/thoughts and body responses were due to incredible stress.


https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

It's complex, a therapist that is knowledgable about trauma can teach you techniques to "turn down the volume".

We know, we get it and we are here to listen...because we have lived through it and come out the other side...you will too. even if it feels impossible at the moment.

[Atari25]

It really does get better.  I never believed it myself 2 years ago but it's real.  It genuinely does get better. 

And it's worth fighting for.

Really always reassuring to hear this.

Everyone tells me this and even 6 months in I feel more energy and more positivity in my life. I know I am lucky to have 2 amazing kids, a good therapist and a lot of good friends that supported me. It never would have happened without them.

Meeting someone else would be impossible for me still but I have an old girlfriend who lost her husband and another lady friend that I enjoy spending time with occasionally.  A new beginning is probably a long way off but that is a-ok. Healing should still be my priority. 

[Songanddance]

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

It’s been six months since bomb drop. I moved house, changed my visa, got broken up with and told it was so that we could get back together in the future (….what?! 😭), moved out, did a lot of admin, but I’ve just been losing money and I’m kind of scared. I cried all day and couldn’t do much. I guess I just feel like a failure for still not having my income worked out and I think it’s good reason to walk into the void. I did have a therapist session today, have another scheduled. I took my meds. My friends are tired of me. I’m just not okay and I wish I could lay down and close my eyes forever.

Oh we all recognise this and thankfully you have found a therapist.  That feeling of being a failure - know it well. I remember saying to my therapist 5 months after BD " I'm 51 - I thought I had life sussed and now it's all blown apart - why? Is this it for the rest of my life?"

You are not a failure - you had your world blown apart by somebody else's actions.  You didn't do this to yourself. You didn't abandon the person you loved. You didn't turn people against them.
The hardest part of being an LBS in the early days is asking why me? 

This was not your fault!

Equally I have a son who has mild autism and ADHD, also vegetarian and has severe OCD. For example, we cannot be in the kitchen when he's cooking because we "crowd" him.  I have had really difficult years with him since H's BD.  I understand your frustration at your housemate's seeming lack of care or concern for your stuff.  My son has his own stuff to cook with and he hates it when his sister uses them.

Your income will resolve itself as you begin to take action and to put things in order but be kind to yourself at the moment.  Please make sure you eat something daily even just one nutritious meal a day, or some fruit or veg along with B12. You have to keep your strength up otherwise you will defeat yourself. This is genuinely one thing you can control.

Can you explain to your housemate that you need to have boundaries when it comes to using cooking utensils or such like. Can you divide some of the stuff up or is it all theirs?  If they are using your stuff then claim a boundary.

Your friends are not tired of you but they may be feeling helpless because perhaps you have resisted their well intentioned help or advice.  Friends don't tire of humans - they tire of people's reactions or behaviour. 
If you feel that they are tired of you - what evidence do you have?  Are you stuck in victim mode - so easy to do and it becomes a downward spiral.

There is light at the end of the LBS tunnel and it is NOT an incoming train. 

This is why we urge you on here to vent, to ask questions, to read RCR's articles and to learn about how to recover from BD.  All of this advice is based on genuine experience - with absolutely no hypotheses or psycho babble.

Keep posting - you will get through this...YOU WILL.

[WHY]

It took me about 1.5 years before I started to feel different.  Where I felt like I wasnt drowning.  It wasnt something I could have rushed or wished away with a magic wand.  It just needed time to work itself out.

I feel like the MLCer and LBS have inverse happiness curves.  MLC starts at time 0 very high on the curve, in the clouds actually, with euphoria and unicorns, and slowly deteriorates over time, ending up in depression.  Their curve is a downward trajectory. 

LBS starts off with nuclear bomb drops, shock, trauma, which eventually leads to depression, but then acceptance, and even happiness again.  LBS curve is an upward trajectory. 

Our curve starts off way below water, suffocating, drowning, trying to swim to the surface, gasping for air, with I think depression/indifference being the moment in time that we manage to tread water.  But then we rise above it all and can finally breathe, survive, an heck, even thrive.  Sure we keep getting pulled under the water by the MLCers madness from time to time.  But over time, we figure out a way to strap on a life vest, and we bounce right back. 

And at some point after treading water, the MLCer and LBS's curves intersect, with the LBS moving forward, finding happiness, and leaving the MLCer to their own downward trajectory. 

The distance between these curves grows over time and gets exponentially larger the longer it takes for the MLCer to hit rock bottom.  IMO, The larger the distance, the harder reconciliation becomes to get those two curves to intersect again. 

Bottom line.  Every LBS curve will look different.  I really dont think there is much we can do to speed up hitting that point where we're treading water.  I think it's just a function of time and up to our individual minds to process that kind of trauma. 

The best thing we can do is make sure our own curves dont turn south with basic stuff like eating right, sleeping, exercise, GAL, find a support group etc.  This stuff isnt meant to magically make you happy.  But it does give you the time you need to figure out how to tread water.

[Happylight]

You have gotten so much good advice here.  I am just another person here to tell you not to give in to the darkness.  Do the little things.  Sleep, eat, get some sun.  You will figure out the rest a little bit at a time.  I too have felt the desire to just sleep--but at the same time I have been unable to.  One moment at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.  I am a over 16 months in and still struggle, but it has gotten better than the first 6 months.  Keep posting. 

[Nas]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I am very glad that you have a therapist, and I am very glad that you have some inheritance money to help you. It can be hard to focus on the positive right - the good thing about a forum like this is that people can look at your situation and help shine a light on the positives that maybe you can’t see as well right now. I know that everything feels very heavy right now, and suggestions and advice can feel like pressure at the moment, but I still want to ask if you absolutely need to stay in the Netherlands, if it is the best option for you both financially and emotionally. (I don’t know anything about The Netherlands. Are there resources you can tap into to help you find a temporary job, even part-time, while you work on building up your freelance business?)

A lot of times LBS feel like they need to stay exactly where they were at the time of BD. I just want to remind you that you don’t, and you shouldn’t unless it makes the most sense for your financial stability. And you are so very young, even if you don’t feel like you are. Heartbreak is painful. But the best thing about relationships, even when they end, is that they can really teach us a lot about ourselves if we let them.

I know none of this is what you want to hear right now. I’m sorry and I hope you feel better soon.

[titleholder]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I think Nas points out something very important and recognisable for all of us on here! It's sometimes not the responses you want to hear, but for all of us further on the way this is becoming our truth!

The beginning in this journey is incredibly hard, but keep fighting and finding joy in your life. These small glimmers will eventually grow and grow. Keep coming here for support. There's always someone to listen to you and to validate what you're going through!

[Atari25]

I feel like the MLCer and LBS have inverse happiness curves.  MLC starts at time 0 very high on the curve, in the clouds actually, with euphoria and unicorns, and slowly deteriorates over time, ending up in depression.  Their curve is a downward trajectory. 

LBS starts off with nuclear bomb drops, shock, trauma, which eventually leads to depression, but then acceptance, and even happiness again.  LBS curve is an upward trajectory. 

Our curve starts off way below water, suffocating, drowning, trying to swim to the surface, gasping for air, with I think depression/indifference being the moment in time that we manage to tread water.  But then we rise above it all and can finally breathe, survive, an heck, even thrive.  Sure we keep getting pulled under the water by the MLCers madness from time to time.  But over time, we figure out a way to strap on a life vest, and we bounce right back. 

And at some point after treading water, the MLCer and LBS's curves intersect, with the LBS moving forward, finding happiness, and leaving the MLCer to their own downward trajectory. 

The distance between these curves grows over time and gets exponentially larger the longer it takes for the MLCer to hit rock bottom.  IMO, The larger the distance, the harder reconciliation becomes to get those two curves to intersect again. 

Interesting analogy.

I feel like I am finally treading water but it's impossible to know how my MLCer is doing. She is in another city hiding out, my only clues are occasional interactions with the kids and occasional posts on Instagram.  I fear that she will hit rock bottom some day but I have no idea when.

Getting those curves to intersect again seems a long ways away with her moved out. My optimism declines every week.

[Treasur]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I am very glad that you have a therapist, and I am very glad that you have some inheritance money to help you. It can be hard to focus on the positive right - the good thing about a forum like this is that people can look at your situation and help shine a light on the positives that maybe you can’t see as well right now. I know that everything feels very heavy right now, and suggestions and advice can feel like pressure at the moment, but I still want to ask if you absolutely need to stay in the Netherlands, if it is the best option for you both financially and emotionally. (I don’t know anything about The Netherlands. Are there resources you can tap into to help you find a temporary job, even part-time, while you work on building up your freelance business?)

A lot of times LBS feel like they need to stay exactly where they were at the time of BD. I just want to remind you that you don’t, and you shouldn’t unless it makes the most sense for your financial stability. And you are so very young, even if you don’t feel like you are. Heartbreak is painful. But the best thing about relationships, even when they end, is that they can really teach us a lot about ourselves if we let them.

I know none of this is what you want to hear right now. I’m sorry and I hope you feel better soon.

Please don’t give up, heartbeat.
I agree with everything Nas wrote. We’re not the kind of folks to blow unicorns up your bum, and we truly understand how grim and hard and exhausting it is to be in your shoes right now.
Some of us, maybe quite a few of us, have had times when we thought and said something pretty similar.

It’s ok to think what you think and feel how you feel. Well, not ok bc it sucks, but you know what I mean.
The trick imho is to separate how you act from how you feel.
At least for a little while.

You are not in the healing stage yet imho: you’re in the survival stage.
Your job is to survive long enough to outlast your thoughts and feelings.
And most of us found that it’s an up and down process from day to day, sometimes hour to hour lol.
And baby steps matter, not just bc they may be all you feel able to do, but because they build slowly into a new foundation. Like the principle of compound interest.

So, aim for 1% better imho.
Forgive yourself if you fall over or fail to hit the 1% sometimes; that’s ok, just try again tomorrow. Sometimes you’ll have -10% days. But sometimes you’ll surprise yourself with a 5% better day. Or a 20% one.
You will not always feel how you feel right now bc that’s not how life tends to work.
But you have to stick around long enough to give yourself a chance to see that.

Start small and let your path forward grow.
Cheer yourself on even when your 1% progress seems small. Bc when you are where you are, where I once was too, 1% is huge and worth celebrating.
Be open-minded that, although you probably can’t see it right now, there is a better different on the other side.
Pull yourself back to focusing on basics and give yourself permission to try some things out that might not be ideal but are good enough….whatever makes you feel safer, stronger or more energetic is good enough bc it creates some momentum. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as it does not hurt you or anyone else. Doesn’t matter if it’s forever or just for now. Doesn’t matter if you change your mind. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Tbh it’s a bit like being caught in a fast running river, and in fear of drowning. Right now your job is to get to the river bank the best way you can while continuing to breathe.

[Treasur]

A PS that occurred to me this morning ( morning here and I’m sitting with a cup of coffee in the garden, early, birds singing, sunshine after a rainy night)…..

I had to dig myself manually out of despair in my darkest days. Tbh it felt like digging a trench with a teaspoon at the time. But someone shared with me a tip that I’m now going to share with you bc it worked remarkably although I did not believe it would.

Every night before trying to sleep, I would list three things from the day for which I felt grateful. When I started, I struggled to find three tbh and they were microscopic….a good cup of coffee, a flower seen on a walk.

Then, strangely, I noticed that I was sort of looking for things for that mental list as I stumbled through my day. Which felt like I got my head up slightly, as if it started gently to counterbalance what I was paying attention to, as if it slowly reconnected me with the world outside my head. And then it became a habit. It’s less of a conscious habit now I think, years on, but I still pause to look at the good stuff and when I have a fall over day - which I do sometimes - I seem to fall back to it as a way of rebalancing.

I just did it in my head. Some people write it down. Doesn’t matter. But maybe try it? Three good things of the day just gone for which you are grateful.

Hug