[marvin4242]

Heartbeat you have gotten a lot of good and useful advice and feedback from everyone. I just want to ask one direct question:

What do you need right now to hold on and what if anything can we help you with?

[MadLuv]

Great advise from so many. I just want to reiterate that although you feel off, unhinged & hopeless, well that is feeling and you have to go through all those feels to get to your healing. It’s normal!!! Normal to feel the way you do when your life has been shred to pieces. It does get better, but it does take all that pain and added time to get there. You do adjust and even years in I cant say I am magically ok, I am normally ok. Just keep moving forward. Get through each day. Fake it u til you make it. You can make it through this and get to a calmer place. It just takes longer than we all wish. 

[Biscuit]

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[heartbeat]

Thank you, Biscuit. Some weeks are harder than others. This week was hard. We exchanged a couple brief emails and it has become extremely apparent that there is no accountability from his end. I think somewhere deep down he still has love for me, but his words on leaving about rebuilding the relationship have no action behind them from what I can see at this point (I suspected that this would be the case, at minimum in the short term, but it hurts to be correct). Some days I truly think if he showed up and apologized I’d have him back. Worse, I think he’s quietly decided that because I expressed pain online in speaking about my experiences that he’s justified in himself that I’m this awful person. I am trying not to give it too much thought, because after all, he did blow everything up. I wish he hadn’t abandoned me and our life together but moreover, I find myself hoping there’s a future with love and a healthy partnership in it for me. I have so many incredible memories with him, and him with me, and it hurts that even as we said goodbye he kept telling me ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ Ow. Owww. It try hard not replay the memories in my head but sometimes they creep in. Even in the end he insisted we weren’t exes because the ‘English language wasn’t big enough to describe our connection.’ But like, what else do you call someone who lies, abandons you, and then also says they need to end the relationship to rebuild it, but they can’t tell you when, so you must just move on in whatever way is best, but also every option you list is ‘wrong’ and that he has no plans to meet you back in the country you are now residing in…? He has yet to own up to the fact that he really betrayed me and made a lot of decisions that completely sidelined me. I still feel love for him at times but it’s paired with crushing sadness. I don’t ever expect he’ll apologize or want to come back, and I know better than to pursue him in any way right now. Sometimes it still feels like day one. I just want life to be kinder to me. I feel like all my divorced friends had or found new partners right away. I don’t know what I did to be so undesirable, except that I never cheated or scoped out anyone else. I’ll always hate myself for my money problems. I’m constantly reminding myself that I tried my absolute best to fix things and that’s all I can ever do.

I’m trying not to blame myself but I feel broke, broken and lonely this week. Please send me money and work affirmations, honestly. I am making the most out of my living situation but all I want is stability and independence. Sometimes I worry I’ll never be able to find somewhere better. Maybe I am just a terrible person and no one will ever love me again, but the fact that I have a bunch of fantastic friends keep calling me up and checking in on me makes me think I must be doing something okay in life. I am doing all the ‘right’ things that I know to do… getting sleep, taking time off, going to the gym, getting outside, trying not to spend too much, investing time and energy into work and friends. I wish I had more friends nearby but I’m hoping to meet more through career stuff.

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[zartheit]

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Reading this made me smile. I believe that right now every moment is an ordeal, that you feel deeply every ache, and your mind is a sandstorm. I don't smile for those things. I smile because you are DOING IT. This is the work, the journey.

It may not feel like anything right now but I want to congratulate you for taking these steps. You're pouring a foundation. To stretch the metaphor, it's hard to see progress when everything is mostly about picking out materials, obtaining permits, orchestrating contractors, etc etc etc.

For my own part, I cried every day for two years. It's only relatively recently that I can recall strings of days with no tears. Where I stand now, I am ok. It still hurts sometimes, but the hurt is so much more contextual, so much less visceral, so much less personal. It gets better. And for me, taking care of myself even when it seemed pointless--when I couldn't tally up the wins--was integral to reaching this point.

[Treasur]

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[heartbeat]

It’s kind of you both to say so. I do need to clarify that I am largely going through this crying and feeling like there’s a hole in my chest.

I really want a partner.

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[Baxter1]

A giant partner shaped hole, sounds about right. I was just sitting here last night missing my W. I see her, sometimes she’s on the phone, sometimes she’s signing and other times she looks like she has the world on her shoulders. I miss spending time with her just doing nothing, watching TV, doing the dishes, anything from our old life. It’s so sad to see what this does, sorry you’re here