[heartbeat]

Hey there, I’m kind of confused how the latest post would indicate that I’m in denial of anything?

I was updating with both a feeling of some sadness but also an indicator of beginning to move on. I didn’t put myself down in that post because I’m expressing a forward motion. I hope you can see that as a positive change, I think it is. I assure you I’m working extremely hard on healing on every level. I’m not upset, just kind of not understanding your comment of taking snippets out when the most recent update could be summed as ‘sad but moving on’. As for the other stuff, I absolutely could give more context, cause it seems to have been misinterpreted somewhat… but that might be a whole freakin’ book of a post. 😂 I’d be happy to answer questions if they’re there, but I just wanted to clarify that I’ve been under watchful care of professionals, friends and knowledgeable folks. No worries though, just trying to move through my journey of healing and convey my updates here and the last answer kinda confused me cause I do feel like I’ve taken some good steps recently. I’m really doing what I can in spite all the challenges and big feelings. I think it’s still logical that I’m sad, and even that I am thinking of future questions like finding a better work-life balance, thinking of the sort of person I may choose to date someday, all that, is coming from a place of really wanting to step into a better future and not from a sense of rush… I don’t mean to sound as though I am only gloomy. Of course I’d like to be further along from this, but no one can ‘know’ exactly when that will be, so I’m trying to note the ups and downs as they come my way. I’m many things, and most recently, one of those things is just a pinch more hopeful.

Thanks for condensing the threads though, happy to keep just posting on the one!

[Treasur]

Often our healing and rebuilding is about one sprouting lentil at a time…..

What you are feeling, and how those feelings swoosh around, is normal. Well, LBS post trauma normal. And it’s messy and exhausting and confusing.

A lot has happened to you bc of the actions of your ex-partner. You may well be feeling the most vulnerable you have ever felt in your life.

What the other posters are encouraging you to do is accept that you are where you are. Bc that is where we all move forward from and how we find solid ground that is genuinely helpful as opposed to quick fixes that we think might help. But often that feels pretty confusing bc our feelings and impulses are so influenced by the traumatic effect on us. Which is why you feel such a desperate need to be loved by someone, anyone. Which is why the vagaries of social media feel like they matter so much.

Does it read like you are ‘sad but moving on’? No tbh it doesn’t; it sounds like you are devastated and feel tremendously alone and adrift. And that is normal so early on after years of a shared life. And that’s ok. Well, it sucks but it’s ok if you know what I mean. Hence talking about denial. Imho some degree of denial is normal too for all of us - when something huge, profoundly painful and completely incomprehensible upends life as we know it, a bit of denial helps us eat that metaphorical elephant in bite sized chunks.

So truly, it’s ok here to not be ok. Or to have days when you are a sliver of ok on the side. Or a passing moment of ok that surprises you in a sludge of not ok. Or a day when you feel a bit kick ass. And then a day when you can barely get out of bed bc it all feels too big for you.

We get it. Every bit of it. Bc we have been in some version of where you are.

And what we know is that it is a process with a lot of ups and downs. And that some ways of navigating it are likely to be more constructive than others in building your own bridge to the other side of it. Right now, it’s sprouting lentils and probably a few other things, things that may normally seem small but that are actually things to note and celebrate in a world that feels like $h!te.

But we also know that you can’t heal what you don’t let yourself see or feel. You don’t have to be unvarnishedly honest here with us. But we are encouraging you to be so with yourself - with a very kind eye - bc that is where the path forward starts from.

So what DO you feel right now in addition to sad?
And what does ‘moving on’ actually look like to you?
And how might we best help you right now?

[heartbeat]

.mYou don’t have to be unvarnishedly honest here with us. But we are encouraging you to be so with yourself bc that is where the path forward starts from.
So what DO you feel right now in addition to sad?
And what does ‘moving on’ actually look like to you?
And how might we best help you right now?

I appreciate your thoughtful words, treasur. I actually appreciate the question quite a lot, because I sort of feel as though my ability to talk about the details of all this is scattered. A lot of my friends don’t quite understand MLC (which, quite frankly, is good cause I don’t wish it on anyone), so having space to write about some of the details here does feel very helpful.

I feel a lot of anxiety, really. Some amount of hope. I’ve had to work a lot on acceptance. My living situation isn’t great for a lot of reasons, including struggling with the habits of the housemate/landlord and not feeling as though my space is really my own (we otherwise get along though, through the frustration there is still gratitude). I feel fear about creating an income, I have major burnout and a lot of other things working against me, but I’m pushing myself anyway and surviving off of what money I do have right now.

I have spent a lot of time figuring out what I do want in the future and allowing myself to desire things even if I do not have a clear path to those goals. It comes with the confusing feeling that I would have very happily gone with different things had this person stayed in the picture. I would like my own house someday, as I never want to lose my home in the way I did during this. I would like my career to go well enough to meet those ends, and to cover a relatively peaceful life with a little room for enjoyable things and the ability to visit my loved ones. I’d like commitment with a partner someday, cohabitation and that kind of thing. I am not going out specifically seeking dates with this as a goal, it’s more that I have begun to think of it more as a mental exercise where I can clearly identify my dealbreakers.

I think moving on, to some degree, is to no longer have things in my life be attached or caused by anyone else. Part of me wishes I could speak to my ex and get closure but I don’t know if that will happen in the future, only that for now the space is necessary. I don’t know if I will ever feel neutral about it but I would like if it didn’t continue to be a shadow in my life. Not trying to side step it or deny it, and I do my best not to ruminate, but I think it’s fair to say the current parameters of my life are still very directly linked to this happening. It would be nice to be further away and have more of a sense that my decisions in life weren’t so closely tied  to the actions of an MLC partner.

[Treasur]

Ok, that’s good. Better out than in as my grandmother used to say.

So it sounds as if you feel fearful, frustrated, unheard and maybe a bit unsafe or vulnerable right now? Is that about right?

And moving on is about moving towards a place in life that feels safer, with more control over what makes you feel safe, and peaceful?

What does the current now feelings feel like for you? Where do you feel it in your body? If it had a colour, what would it be? Or a smell? Or a name or a sound? Or an image in your mind? Perhaps even an image you might create as that is your gift. Or a single word?

And if you measured how big that now feeling/feelings is right now on a 1-10 scale, where 10 is huge and 1 is hardly at all, where are you right now? And what kinds of actions make it one point less? Or one point more?

Ha ha, and why am I asking you these nutso questions lol? Bc my professional and personal experience makes me wonder if you have not yet quite found the right way for you to feel what you feel. I could be wrong bc I don’t know you, but my instinct is that you may be living more in your head right now….which tends to mean thinking about feeling more than feeling the feeling of that makes sense; maybe that is your baseline. If it is,  you’re not alone in that (waves hand sheepishly). And different things work for different people.

We learn quite a lot about our own metaphorical MO when life punches us in the face imho, and that includes a few nutso ‘hacks’ that help us use the best of us to deal with the worst of us. Or indeed when we’re no longer entirely sure of either.

Rather than meet someone else, in a sense this process can help you meet yourself first.

I get the sense that your financial resources might be tight right now, but have you looked at some options for seeing an IC who ideally understands trauma but at least is experienced in helping with anxiety and transitions? Bc that can be, a bit like the old saying of a stitch in time saving nine, something that might feel expensive but which could actually make quite a lot of difference to your practical progress. Again jmo but some life stuff needs a village and there’s no shame in that.

[OffRoad]

One of the most interesting things I have found is when you aren't looking for something, there it is. That applies to glasses, pens, keys, new people. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I had broken up with a boyfriend. After moping for a week, I went out and climbed a hill, as it turned out with hundreds of other like minded people who had that same idea that day. Mile and a half with 1500 ft gain.. During the course of that walk, I was asked out 7 times (which I politely declined as I was in no condition to date anyone) and made two new friends. Wasn't looking for it, but I was taking care of me and it felt good and it must have showed.

When you find your own inner happiness, I think it draws people to you. I'm a planner, but sometimes it's good to let go and go where the day takes you.

My 2 cents. 

[heartbeat]

My abandoning partner contacted me to say his dad died. It brought up all the sadness for me. I reached back to send my condolences, and then did the same for his mother, who tried to lecture at me for a while. I recognized all the lies he had told her about the relationship and couldn’t hold back from being honest. Polite, but honest. My living situation didn’t just work out (might lose my housing any minute and currently protesting by no longer eating because housemate/landlord keeps moving my groceries or using them without replacing). He lied about the breakup during the bomb drop phase and kept insisting we were partners and even when we ended things tried to tell me we weren’t really exes. Told her I don’t have any new beginnings. I wished her the best.

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

[xyzcf]

The ending of our relationship is extremely traumatic and it has not been very long since you experienced a BD.

You wrote:

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

Please get in touch with a mental health provider ASAP. We need professional help to recover from this trauma, sometimes medications and someone who can look at things objectively for us.

Let us know how you are doing.  It's pretty common to think that life has no meaning anymore but with help and time healing can occur.

Right now things are messy, your housing is insecure but all that can change.

Don't give up......get some help.

[heartbeat]

It’s been six months since bomb drop. I moved house, changed my visa, got broken up with and told it was so that we could get back together in the future (….what?! 😭), moved out, did a lot of admin, but I’ve just been losing money and I’m kind of scared. I cried all day and couldn’t do much. I guess I just feel like a failure for still not having my income worked out and I think it’s good reason to walk into the void. I did have a therapist session today, have another scheduled. I took my meds. My friends are tired of me. I’m just not okay and I wish I could lay down and close my eyes forever.

The ending of our relationship is extremely traumatic and it has not been very long since you experienced a BD.

You wrote:

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

Please get in touch with a mental health provider ASAP. We need professional help to recover from this trauma, sometimes medications and someone who can look at things objectively for us.

Let us know how you are doing.  It's pretty common to think that life has no meaning anymore but with help and time healing can occur.

Right now things are messy, your housing is insecure but all that can change.

Don't give up......get some help.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Life may be beyond hard now, but it will get better.

This forum is full of sample of ones who have been to hell and back. You will become one too.

It is good you are seeing a therapist and taking your meds. They will help, but it takes time.

It is good you have made mistakes. They teach you what does not work. Now you now what not to do.

It is good you cry, as the pain needs  to come out. It will end eventually.

Its good you acknowledge you are not okey. It is allowed.

My prayers goes for you.

[WHY]

It really does get better.  I never believed it myself 2 years ago but it's real.  It genuinely does get better. 

And it's worth fighting for.