[marvin4242]

Heartbeat you have gotten a lot of good and useful advice and feedback from everyone. I just want to ask one direct question:

What do you need right now to hold on and what if anything can we help you with?

[MadLuv]

Great advise from so many. I just want to reiterate that although you feel off, unhinged & hopeless, well that is feeling and you have to go through all those feels to get to your healing. It’s normal!!! Normal to feel the way you do when your life has been shred to pieces. It does get better, but it does take all that pain and added time to get there. You do adjust and even years in I cant say I am magically ok, I am normally ok. Just keep moving forward. Get through each day. Fake it u til you make it. You can make it through this and get to a calmer place. It just takes longer than we all wish. 

[Biscuit]

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[heartbeat]

Thank you, Biscuit. Some weeks are harder than others. This week was hard. We exchanged a couple brief emails and it has become extremely apparent that there is no accountability from his end. I think somewhere deep down he still has love for me, but his words on leaving about rebuilding the relationship have no action behind them from what I can see at this point (I suspected that this would be the case, at minimum in the short term, but it hurts to be correct). Some days I truly think if he showed up and apologized I’d have him back. Worse, I think he’s quietly decided that because I expressed pain online in speaking about my experiences that he’s justified in himself that I’m this awful person. I am trying not to give it too much thought, because after all, he did blow everything up. I wish he hadn’t abandoned me and our life together but moreover, I find myself hoping there’s a future with love and a healthy partnership in it for me. I have so many incredible memories with him, and him with me, and it hurts that even as we said goodbye he kept telling me ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ Ow. Owww. It try hard not replay the memories in my head but sometimes they creep in. Even in the end he insisted we weren’t exes because the ‘English language wasn’t big enough to describe our connection.’ But like, what else do you call someone who lies, abandons you, and then also says they need to end the relationship to rebuild it, but they can’t tell you when, so you must just move on in whatever way is best, but also every option you list is ‘wrong’ and that he has no plans to meet you back in the country you are now residing in…? He has yet to own up to the fact that he really betrayed me and made a lot of decisions that completely sidelined me. I still feel love for him at times but it’s paired with crushing sadness. I don’t ever expect he’ll apologize or want to come back, and I know better than to pursue him in any way right now. Sometimes it still feels like day one. I just want life to be kinder to me. I feel like all my divorced friends had or found new partners right away. I don’t know what I did to be so undesirable, except that I never cheated or scoped out anyone else. I’ll always hate myself for my money problems. I’m constantly reminding myself that I tried my absolute best to fix things and that’s all I can ever do.

I’m trying not to blame myself but I feel broke, broken and lonely this week. Please send me money and work affirmations, honestly. I am making the most out of my living situation but all I want is stability and independence. Sometimes I worry I’ll never be able to find somewhere better. Maybe I am just a terrible person and no one will ever love me again, but the fact that I have a bunch of fantastic friends keep calling me up and checking in on me makes me think I must be doing something okay in life. I am doing all the ‘right’ things that I know to do… getting sleep, taking time off, going to the gym, getting outside, trying not to spend too much, investing time and energy into work and friends. I wish I had more friends nearby but I’m hoping to meet more through career stuff.

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[zartheit]

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Reading this made me smile. I believe that right now every moment is an ordeal, that you feel deeply every ache, and your mind is a sandstorm. I don't smile for those things. I smile because you are DOING IT. This is the work, the journey.

It may not feel like anything right now but I want to congratulate you for taking these steps. You're pouring a foundation. To stretch the metaphor, it's hard to see progress when everything is mostly about picking out materials, obtaining permits, orchestrating contractors, etc etc etc.

For my own part, I cried every day for two years. It's only relatively recently that I can recall strings of days with no tears. Where I stand now, I am ok. It still hurts sometimes, but the hurt is so much more contextual, so much less visceral, so much less personal. It gets better. And for me, taking care of myself even when it seemed pointless--when I couldn't tally up the wins--was integral to reaching this point.

[Treasur]

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[heartbeat]

It’s kind of you both to say so. I do need to clarify that I am largely going through this crying and feeling like there’s a hole in my chest.

I really want a partner.

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[Baxter1]

A giant partner shaped hole, sounds about right. I was just sitting here last night missing my W. I see her, sometimes she’s on the phone, sometimes she’s signing and other times she looks like she has the world on her shoulders. I miss spending time with her just doing nothing, watching TV, doing the dishes, anything from our old life. It’s so sad to see what this does, sorry you’re here

[heartbeat]

Hey all. I’m sort of just updating because… I dunno. A lot has happened and also nothing at all.

In the last month or so I’ve been continuing my tour of power-eating ice cream. I’ve been working out a lot too, I may have a bit of anemia from it, so I’m doing stuff like taking vitamins. My health has kind of been shook up, and my ocd/health anxiety has been draining me. I’m trying to be proactive and take care of myself in a way that has always been hard for me. I’ve got a dermatologist booked, and next on my list is blood work, a dental check, a couple other little things. I’m not sure what is or isn’t working but I’m attempting to be self sufficient.

 I’ve talked to folks on dating apps but nothing really feels right. That said, I keep being told with incredible consistency that I’m a great conversationalist. It’s nice to hear it, and it’s nice to practice ice breakers. Nobody feels right. I wonder if I am too much. I wonder if I’m not enough. I wonder how long I can survive being touch starved. I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of it. I’m still convinced much of the time that I am doomed in love but I’m trying to believe there’s better out there for me. I’m vaguely convinced that if there is someone who would be good with me, I’m more likely to find them through work than through apps, but I keep trying anyway and somehow people are effusive that I’ve given them the best chat they’ve had on the apps and shocked when I finally show a clear photo of my face. Apparently I’m cute. I don’t totally see it, but I am very flattered when people think so. I don’t know how to tell people that deep down I want to build a stable life with someone, and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want the same on some level, it kind of needs to be a shared goal from the jump. It’s kind of a lot to drop on strangers, but I am trying to figure out how to be honest without being overwhelming.

I am still struggling with work, but my friends and family have been helping me get on my feet again. I’m hoping it will pick up for me. It feels really important to me to have a career I love. I’m still struggling somewhat with factors of my living situation, but I’m trying to move through it as best I can. My dream is to move out on my own next year and to eventually own a home. I don’t know how possible it is to do either, but I am trying to imagine it’s possible.

My MLC ex has occasionally contacted me. Each time I feel like I end up seeing and saying the same. He seems to feel guilt but nothing around remorse, and he doesn’t seem to be able to understand that his actions deeply broke my trust in him. There’s not much by way of accountability in anything he’s said. I’ve tried to be kind. I’ve even said that if he can genuinely show up and actually be honest with me and with himself, he can contact me. I don’t actually expect this to happen, but I recognize that in spite of all the ways he damaged me, he’s also probably still spinning out. Interestingly, I’ve heard through the grape vine that he was hitting on other people last year at events we attended together, and looking back I kind of see it too. That in itself was actually never off limits in our relationship, but the understanding was that we wouldn’t hide things from each other was not being honored, and I’ve now heard that he was being flirtatious and not actually being up front about being in an open relationship to those people (which isn’t fair to anyone involved).  I’m not as bothered by this as I thought I might be, it’s more like… ah, yeah. Another sign I wasn’t aware of because I trusted in him. The hindsight of MLC. I’m moving forward with the expectation that the MLC traits of selfishness, indecisiveness, dishonesty and all the other rotten nonsense will prevail in him for some time, and that waiting around for anything different is just setting myself up for more heartbreak. It really hurts to feel like my love doesn’t matter. I was recently asked if I’d ever take him back and I don’t really know how to answer, except that it doesn’t seem like a good idea to spend any energy or share intimacy with someone who I fundamentally cannot trust.

I’m not really out of the woods yet but I do feel my boundaries becoming extremely strong in all this. I worry so much that I’m going to be a burden. I’m quite tired.

My birthday is this month. I’m turning 35. I haven’t had a good birthday in my 30s yet and I’m not sure this one will be much to talk about. I’m considering booking into a spa so someone can massage my face and throw me in a steam room, ordering vegan sushi and buying myself a cake. I mainly just want to have a birthday where I don’t feel crushingly sad about life. If anyone has ideas for how to have your first single birthday in over a decade, especially when you don’t drink (my birthday coincides with 5 years of being alcohol free), please let me know.

I’m going back to power eating ice cream for now. I’ve decided if I’m gonna have a bad habit, I can handle it being this.

[Nas]

My birthday is this month. I’m turning 35. I haven’t had a good birthday in my 30s yet and I’m not sure this one will be much to talk about. I’m considering booking into a spa so someone can massage my face and throw me in a steam room, ordering vegan sushi and buying myself a cake. I mainly just want to have a birthday where I don’t feel crushingly sad about life. If anyone has ideas for how to have your first single birthday in over a decade, especially when you don’t drink (my birthday coincides with 5 years of being alcohol free), please let me know.

I'm sorry about the crushing sadness. We all know it well, and that, unfortunately, the only way out is through, but there are ways to give yourself moments of hope while you feel all the feelings in order to move through them.

I want to point out that you have written here just now a lot of things that are wonderful and hopeful. You have friends and family helping you get on your feet, that's amazing. You're being told you're a good conversationalist, that's amazing. You have a ideas and a direction for your future and the chance to go for it, that's amazing. I know it's hard to see, so I want to try to help you see that these are BIG things.

Early happy birthday from me. Go to the spa. Get the vegan sushi. Eat the ice cream. DEFINITELY get the cake.
I'm turning 50 in just a few weeks. I want it to be "just another day" but it's not, not for me, anyway. Birthdays have a way of highlighting all our birthdays past, and especially our hopes and dreams for the next year of our lives, and if there's anything in the way of achieving, or even having, hopes and dreams, the spotlight gets aimed squarely on that.  So I hope you can try to focus on those amazing things you mentioned and know that 35 may be a rebuilding year for you, but your future is wide open and rebuilding can be exciting. I know that is obnoxiously quaint and sounds like a platitude, but believe me, I don't speak in platitudes. I really want you to be able to see the possibilities I see for you.