[Gonnamakeit]

A few years back I had the bomb drop...May 2019...and like everyone it came out of no where. I joined the boards after the shock wore off and I gobbled up all the information I could after a friend who became my MLC LBS mentor shared their experience and it rang all to true to what I was going through. I was 38 at the time and H was 37. Prior to this there was a major stress of a career change.

Bomb was dropped and H left to live with his parents randomly one evening with no plans just a place to run away to. I was learning and like most, did everything wrong the first few months. I read all the books, read all the message boards, and began to understand what was happening and decided to stand. For the first few months there were some touch and goes and I began to focus on me and do all the things.

My H decided randomly to get his own apartment and moved out from his parents without even discussing a plan leaving me with everything to figure out in October. Within those months of H getting his own place there were lots of touch and goes, I played it cool, and he started to date me again. His sibling shared H was doing odd behaviour and acting like a teenager and got an entire new style and wardrobe. H burnt through money so quickly I was thankful we always kept our finances separate. There were days when he would come home in despair and confusion having not been able to sleep and would stay with me. He bounced back and forth for awhile between homes as it was clear he was very confused, holding regret, and voicing notes of guilt.

February of 2020 I went on a trip with friends while he watched our dogs and this space was a little bit of a turning point. H genuinely missed me while I was away and voiced further regret. Then the pandemic hit.

H had another job loss at this time but handled it better than the one just before bomb drop. We isolated together, worked together as we always had and H essentially ended up in July 2020 putting back on his wedding ring and giving notice to his apartment. The winter of 2020 H realized how many bridges he burnt the previous year and proposed we move which I was all for and was always our plan.

Spring of 2021 we moved across country and I truly thought that the whole mess was behind us. But as time passed I started to notice that there were still cycles of MLC. Anger was still present, depression was on and off, the self discovery was still happening but I supported all of it as I could as he was doing this all with me.

Then the summer of 2023 hit....he began going back to where he was at the start of the MLC with his self image obsession and depression. Then came another job change in December 2023 and POOF! It was like we were starting all over again. This time though, there was an EA with someone who was a mutual friend. H started to spew negativity towards me which I placed firm boundaries on and he accepted. Then the depression hit followed by him not engaging in any aspect in life. The difference this time is that he independently sought counselling as he "was broken and needed to be fixed". H has been going weekly and doing deep work on himself as he is trying to find himself and has shared he is lost and does not know who he is. In March of 2024 is when I called him out on the EA and he opened up about it was just a friendship but it was clear it was more to the other woman but he could not see it. I placed boundaries and he adhered to them with her until recently.

In March of 2024 H finally shared what he was going through and that he did not want it to end up like it did in 2019 as he was not leaving. For the past two months he continues to do work, has started to show reflection, remorse, and is taking accountability for his actions. Yet H is still rewriting our history, demonstrating low self esteem, self sabotaging the relationship by making poor choices he is aware are not ok, and sharing that he has no idea why I am with him and telling me I deserve better. I have begun to set firm boundaries to his poor choices with reconnecting with the previous EA and it was much different since the month before. But time will tell. He keeps doing the work saying he wants to become a man because he is still a boy.

With H's reflection and perspective I trust we are heading down the right path and we are nearing the end (it's been almost 5 years of this circus!) where I hope H begins to find some peace and identity and we can begin to move forward in the next stage of our relationship and heal together from this confusing time in our lives.

This is a long story, my first post although I have been a reader for years, but felt it was time to post and see if others are able to share their wisdom as we navigate H taking responsibility, doing the hard inner work, and wanting to repair the lost trust.

[KayDee]

Dear Gonnamakit, so sorry to say -  welcome. I'm not sure I am the best person to respond, as my H has gone off on the Bad Choices Bus, probably with a one way ticket plus I have less time under my belt than you, but thought I would reach out in solidarity anyway. You've been going through this quite a while now, with lots of stressful events (moving, pandemic, your Hs job loss) plus now his crisis. Yet you don't say much about yourself.

What we all share here is a deep understanding of the mental and often physical exhaustion this crisis can exact on the non-crisis partner. Honestly, you sound like you have been amazing. You are a rock for your H, but that can mean that you are not your own rock. It it can be so easy to get pulled into their turmoil lose your own equilibrium in the process. As I am sure you have read over and over, you cannot fix them or stop them making really stupid choices. It's good perhaps that he is going to therapy, but he really needs to keep at it, because if he is continues rewriting history (blaming you), seeking highs from EAs and making bad choices, then he is still looking outside and not within. In words and acts, he is doing the classic self-destruct. Fear of being abandoned and forcing it to happen. This is not your issue, but you will get caught up in it, as he lashes out. Hard not to take it personally, but it is only personal in that you are the closest person to him There's a twisted logic in all this

I would caution thinking too much about the time frame. Yup, five years is a long time, but my sense is, it takes as long as it takes. It is true for any of us  - to wake up to the fact that we have a problem. That it is within ourselves and  then decide we want to be better. He is so lucky to have you. But remember YOU are very lucky to have you Please look after yourself. Hugs, KD

[Baxter1]

Gonna,

Thanks for sharing your story, 5 years of this sounds like something else. I’m 14 months in with an at home high energy MLCer. Your sorry gives me some hope. I’m setting boundaries and trying my best to stay detached. Focusing on me, the kids and of course Baxter the dog.
Good luck on your continuing journey

[Happylight]

have begun to set firm boundaries to his poor choices with reconnecting with the previous EA and it was much different since the month before. But time will tell.

With H's reflection and perspective I trust we are heading down the right path and we are nearing the end (it's been almost 5 years of this circus!) where I hope H begins to find some peace and identity and we can begin to move forward in the next stage of our relationship and heal together from this confusing time in our lives.

I struggle with a boundary since I have no way to know what is happening without snooping, and I try to avoid putting in any situations to lie. In my situation, my H, for the most part, I remained completely closed about most of his feelings or actions.  He has admitted he handled some things poorly with our daughter in the last few years (when he was angry all the freaking time), and said he loves me and recognized many things about me...but not discussed or owned pretty much any actions. 

It sounds like you have stayed strong.  This is an exhausting journey.  It does sound like a positive that your H has shared what he is going through and that he has become more reflective.  I didn't realize until more recently that I am pretty sure that my H's self-esteem was poor.  Hopes that therapy and self-reflection can help with this and make your H less vulnerable to it. 

[Gonnamakeit]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am at a place where just having the reminders to ensure I keep taking care of myself, forget the timeframes, and knowing I am not the only person dealing with this journey feels like what I need! 

I do make sure I focus on taking care of myself, keeping my routine, focusing on me by keeping healthy, both physically and mentally. I see a counsellor regularly which is helpful to vent and get perspective from. I keep ensuring I am the best person for me and the person I want to be. This took me a bit to really embrace but am getting so much stronger in maintaining my focus on this.

[xyzcf]

Welcome to Heros Spouse and thank you for posting your story.

With H's reflection and perspective I trust we are heading down the right path and we are nearing the end (it's been almost 5 years of this circus!) where I hope H begins to find some peace and identity and we can begin to move forward in the next stage of our relationship and heal together from this confusing time in our lives.

This is a long story, my first post although I have been a reader for years, but felt it was time to post and see if others are able to share their wisdom as we navigate H taking responsibility, doing the hard inner work, and wanting to repair the lost trust.

My observation of couples who reconcile is that it is a slow process and in some respects, it happens generically. Just like MLC, they have to continue to do their own inner work. And yet, there still can be some shutting down or going backwards.

If you read Acorn's thread's, they are very good at expressing how she and her husband reconciled. Remembering that every situation is different.

The idea of the stages of MLC are not talked about as much as they used to be.  Heartsblessing wrote in depth about the stages and you might find her work helpful.

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/



Taking care of yourself is really important. I think being open to their return and knowing when the "right" time is to start communication about what has happened and your needs is difficult to determine.

I do know people who have reconciled and doing well years later. Please come back and con tinue telling your story as things progress.

[MadLuv]

I so hope you do have the positive outcome you desire. I will say thatI went through 2 BD’s with my husband in an apartment for 10 mths and moving back and 2 years later he left again . He also seemed to have reflection and i aight into his errors, but it just didn’t last and when he left the second time he went much harder and deeper . Not saying anything to damper your hope, but just to keep the boundaries and also put yourself first. This is a crisis that has them mentally confused and it is unpredictable on their recovery until there is a long term consistency to their changes.

[Gonnamakeit]

Just journaling as I am terrible at journaling and my counsellor has encouraged I journal this journey so here I am 

Well the past 6 weeks have been interesting. I have reflected that perhaps when we moved during Covid it just put the MLC on slow motion. I am back at doing things square one it seems again….lovingly detaching, doing my own thing, and making plans for the future that can include him if he wants but he knows I am going to keep moving forward.

H decided to rent a cabin for a few months so he has a place to think, have  a place to figure himself out, and where  him and I can spend time together without distraction to connect. I keep laughing about this as I found out in not a great way ( found a lease agreement so called him and asked when he was moving out). Guess he was surprising me that weekend and take me there to show me. Weirdly he actually acknowledged how I would feel this was shady given his previous behaviour. He shared how he wanted us to have a nice place to relax so he feels calm inside to be able to share his thoughts with me, and thought out senior dog would love weekend retreats.

The past few weeks I have had the following shared with me:
- He resents himself for what he has done
-H shared how low his self esteem is and he cannot understand why I love him
- H shared that he has some deep wounds and has realized it is based on trauma from his childhood
- Had H emotionally break down and share some deep pieces that he is working on which he has never shared before
- H shared he is finally trying to figure himself out as he needs to “really fix” himself.
- Asked me for advice on how I worked through my childhood issues/abuse (he knows me and my sibling did this in our 20s) and asked what I did and managed the pain!!! H also started a book I recommended which I was shocked about as we know taking “advice” from the wife is like poison during MLC!!!
- H still is going to counselling weekly which seems to be helping

I am giving him space, or should I say taking space for myself! Lots of yoga and self care. Keeping myself level. As for the previous “friend” H is not being suspect with his phone and has been fully transparent with his phone. I was asking him for “trust checks” for a bit but then I realized it’s up to him to build back trust not me hounding. So I told H this and how I do not want to have to check in on this and if he wants to rebuild trust it is on him to ensure he makes the choices to build it. He genuinely said he wants to rebuild the trust and will do everything he can to repair from his actions. H is so far being solid and genuine around this but at the end of the day I embraced again I need to detach  and he needs to do his work. I am not losing my values or integrity cause of his poor choice.

I told H I was planning a solo vacation since he does not have time to take off and I acknowledged that I heard him say that he is not in a place to travel right now. H seemed a bit surprised but I think me moving forward and planning a solo vacation will fill my cup and ensure I am meeting my needs.

Crazy how so much but so little can happen over the weeks!

[Baxter1]

Sounds like he is ‘doing the work’ and really reflecting. Sounds like great progress, happy to hear that it is moving along. Also good on you for taking a solo vacation, you should be able to have fun while also giving space, great post!

[Happylight]

The past few weeks I have had the following shared with me:
- He resents himself for what he has done
-H shared how low his self esteem is and he cannot understand why I love him
- H shared that he has some deep wounds and has realized it is based on trauma from his childhood
- Had H emotionally break down and share some deep pieces that he is working on which he has never shared before
- H shared he is finally trying to figure himself out as he needs to “really fix” himself.
- Asked me for advice on how I worked through my childhood issues/abuse (he knows me and my sibling did this in our 20s) and asked what I did and managed the pain!!! H also started a book I recommended which I was shocked about as we know taking “advice” from the wife is like poison during MLC!!!
- H still is going to counselling weekly which seems to be helping

I am giving him space, or should I say taking space for myself! Lots of yoga and self care. Keeping myself level. As for the previous “friend” H is not being suspect with his phone and has been fully transparent with his phone. I was asking him for “trust checks” for a bit but then I realized it’s up to him to build back trust not me hounding. So I told H this and how I do not want to have to check in on this and if he wants to rebuild trust it is on him to ensure he makes the choices to build it. He genuinely said he wants to rebuild the trust and will do everything he can to repair from his actions. H is so far being solid and genuine around this but at the end of the day I embraced again I need to detach  and he needs to do his work. I am not losing my values or integrity cause of his poor choice.

You are doing so well.  It can be so hard to be patient when you can see progress.  I have gotten some, but very little in terms of what work he is doing --(although I see some evidence of progress), but I think it is wonderful that he recognized that he needs to do work, is doing the work, and talking about it with you.  I encourage you to stay the course.  I hope you will continue to update us with good news.