[Ashley Mayo]

Let me start by saying, this is one of the hardest relationship trials I have ever been through. I have been cheated on, not loved, emotionally abused, and abandoned with a newborn baby. I would go through any of those things again, but this I NEVER want to go through again.

I didn't think much of it when my H cheated on me about two years ago. I know we were growing apart and with a new baby time for intimacy was just about non-existent. I chalked it up as, that was the reasoning behind him being unfaithful. The affair ended, he found a new job, and I was starting to trust him again. He was proving to me, he could be trusted.

Fast forward to 8 months ago. Like I said above he found a new job and was working night shift. I trusted him and really wasn't concerned of him being unfaithful again. Then he started to become distant again. Acting strange and just not being himself. It was like he didn't want to be home when he was home. So I did a little digging and to my utter surprise, I found out that he was talking to a woman from his new job. This made me STOP, dead in my tracks. My H's last marriage ended when his ex-wife cheated on him with one of his close friends. He is a very honest and open person. He has never lied to me prior to two years ago when I found out he was having his first affair. One of his biggest pet peeves, believe it or not is lying. He can't stand it. I honestly believed he was the one person I could trust to never be unfaithful. So when I found out he was lying about talking to this other girl from work, I had to just STOP. I realized this was much bigger than just talking to another woman and lying. I strongly felt as if he was having a mental breakdown. He just wasn't being the person I had fallen madly in love with 7 years ago. He is 43 years old and it made perfect sense.

I feel in love with the most honest, compassionate, loving human beings out there. He didn't lie and cheat. He always came home to his family and he would do anything to keep his family together. He was always happy, never got angry easily and was easy going. When I found out he was talking to this other woman, I just straight told him, there is something going on, because this isn't you. He agreed and said, "I don't know what is wrong with me!" That was another eye opener for me. He didn't even know who he was anymore. He swears they were only talking about work but when I found him in our barn talking to him about a month ago, I could no longer believe that they would only talk about work. He tried to hid his phone in the hood of his hoodie but I seen it. Again he didn't understand what was wrong with him and why he was doing it. This is when he told he thinks he loves me but he is not in love with me. I refused to accept that answer. I said you are not acting against your morals and your values because you are no longer in love with me. There is something going on, and I am not going anywhere. I told him I refused to leave him to go through this alone. I have stood by my word, no matter how hard it has gotten.

We both have snapchat and we share with each other our location. On Valentine's Day, he told me he was shutting his location off so I wouldn't know what he was getting me for Valentine's Day if I seen where he was. I didn't like it but whatever. He was gone for 6 hours. He spent the entire evening, "getting me a  Valentines Day gift." When he came home with just flowers and a card, I was extremely hurt. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I cried. I didn't believe him. So of course my mind goes to, he spent Valentines Day with the OW. How could he? I didn't have proof of this and I still don't.

After Valentines Day is when he started to just up and disappear. He say's it's just so he can unwind and clear his head. He shut's his location off, doesn't answer my phone calls and doesn't respond to my text messages. I have no idea where he goes or what he is doing. I don't believe what he tells me but I do not have proof that he is lying. I have explained how him shutting his location off makes me feel, but he just doesn't get it. He thinks I am just being controlling and I am truly not, I just don't understand why he has to turn his location off to go for a drive and clear his head. He never shuts it off any other time, only when he wants to be alone. I don't know what to think. He swears he is not having an affair and he does what he says he is doing.

I am at the end of my road. I love him so much but I have no idea if this is normal behavior, or if he really is just having an affair.

[Ashley Mayo]

Why does my H just up and disappear? When he does disappear he will not answer my phone calls and will not respond to my text messages? He shut's his location off as well so I can't see where he is at or where he is going.

Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do?

[Baxter1]

Hello,

Sorry you’re experiencing this! Yes, my MLC W turned off her location and would disappear for days. She would not answer texts (unless they were about the children). Have you got the ‘I love you but not in love with you’ speech as well? That’s also common.
You found a great place to ask questions and get support, people much more experienced then I can help you get through this, whatever that means in your situation.

[Ashley Mayo]

Yes, he even cries as he is saying it. I don't buy it. Not with all the other signs of a mid-life crisis. In January, February, and March he was spending money like it was nothing. That is way out of character for him. He would spend our bill money and then I would have to figure out how to fix it. I do the bills and usually before he buys something, he would always ask me if we had the money to do so. Not necessarily asking for permission, just making sure it was in our means. He would always make sure the bills were paid first as well. He has never been the type to just go on spending sprees. He is responsible when it comes to money. But in March he spent almost $800 alone, on just himself. That is way out of character.

I am praying I can get some good advice on here. You are the only reply I have gotten, but it is comforting to know that someone else has experienced this as well. Thank you for responding. I am so so sorry you have to go through this, as well. I wouldn't worse this on my worst enemy that is for sure.

[Baxter1]

Ashley,

Sounds MLCish, the spending, secrecy, doing things out of character. Did you take the quiz? I know for me personally having a label helped me understand. I have read (and re-read) 8 stages of Mid Life Crisis. It has really helped me (along with this forum and Kendas videos).

Not sure of your situation but I personally spoke to a lawyer to know my rights. It doesn’t mean you have to hire them or do anything but knowledge is power. Also physically take care of you. Like most here, I was sleepless and lost weight during the first couple of months.

Other than that come here to vent,ask,read, whatever to help you. The people here are great and have been there and done that(and sone still are in the middle of it).

[KayDee]

Dear AM,

Welcome, and so sorry you are here. If your H is in crisis you will constantly be asking the 'whys' - the answer is usually MLC (or my go to 'who knows?').  My educated guess as to why your H turns off his location settings is that he doesn't want you to know where he is. And as you seem to intuit, he is likely in some sort of affair ((((sorry)))). When a person enters this kind of crisis, they seem to run (like a huge runaway freight train) on pure emotion, and little gets in their way. Your safest option may be to step out of the way for a while. Could you turn your own location off and let go? Trust me, I know it is HARD, but at the moment, his focus is on himself (that's why he cries, IMO) and not you. He is on his own journey for now, you must begin yours.

I'm sure one of the vets here will respond soon with links to how to survive the first few months. In short, securing your own finances and focusing on your own health (exercise, counseling and time with people you love + trust) is key. Your H will likely continue to do things that confuse, astound and hurt you. The more safety you can create for yourself the better. Get strong to be strong for what may come.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here but you have come to a great place for support and advice. There is no one size fits all or recipe for success. Instead, this is all about the process, of first recovering from all the trauma that has just happened to you, getting back to a new normalcy and then moving forward.

I know we were growing apart and with a new baby time for intimacy was just about non-existent. I chalked it up as, that was the reasoning behind him being unfaithful.

A new baby is hard. What's strange is that you are the third recent situation of the husband becoming distant after the birth of a child. First of all, we were both exhausted after the first months of her birth to even think of intimacy and then everyday, I was so excited just to get home and be with my baby and family. However, it was a transition and I believe that the whole crisis is a adverse reaction to change both good and bad. That somehow some way, they want to go back to a previous time and change or resolve something.

Just a hypothesis and not really fleshed out. However, hypothesis aside, your focus needs to be less on him and more on you,

I am aware of the pain your are going through and even though it has been over a decade and I still can remember the pain of bomb drop and the aftermath. Now is the time to find your moments of bliss and live as if he is never coming back.

Breathe, relax, light exercise, eat and take care of the baby. That is where you energy and focus needs to be placed.

Keep posting and others will respond on how you can start moving forward again.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry. It is so hard to trust after finding out about cheating and then to have to do it again with someone who is telling you they don’t know what’s wrong with them, well it’s mind boggling.  I have been there and if I could do it all again I would completely allow him to make his bad choices and I would focus on myself and my kids only. I can’t imagine doing this with an infant, but you can. I know you can.

He has to live what he thinks he wants. They dont know  who they are or what they want and everything is based on emotion's and instant relief from what ever the turmoil they are feeling. This is a poor choice of escape rather than reflecting.
You can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves. Tell him his choices are not reflective of who you fell in love with and as long as he is not engaged in his life and family then you will not be supporting those poor choices.

That’s my opinion. Show strength and set boundaries, and match what he gives you in kindness.

[MadLuv]

I agree with the others. I am now over 3 years past my now XH departure and his money spending is off the charts. I would speak to a lawyer  immediately and see what you need to do to secure and protect yourself. I would open a new checking account for yourself also and make sure youhave money reserved just in case if you are able to.

[thissucks7788]

I'm so sorry to say, but if he is turning off his location, I suspect he is having an affair.  It's possible that it is another place he wouldn't want you or anyone to know about (like what, I have no idea), but in MLC most of the time there is someone else (or the hope of someone else- as in an EA-emotional affair).  Look after/protect yourself as they are very selfish during this time.

B