[UrsaMajor]

Good Morning (at least it is morning on my side of the planet - Germany)

A couple of things straight off.....

1) You REALLY need to rethink your screen name if it is your real one. One of the basic tenets of this site is that NO personally identifying information that can pin you down is to be posted. That could be names of yourself, your Mid-Lifer, kids, parents, friends, etc. Basically a No Names Rule. Addresses, clubs that one belongs to, etc., can also be personally identifying so are also taboo.  or The reason for this is that this is an open Forum that anyone (including Midlifers, Affair partners, and Divorce lawyers) can find using a simple Google Search. In fact, if you do a Google Search using your screen name, it will lead you right to your posts. We have had incidents of Mid-Lifers or their Affair Partners stalking the LBS's here so please, reconsider. If this is your real name, you MUST change it to something else.

2) As KayDee noted (and the links are in my signature below) - the Survival Guide for Newbies Link has some VERY valuable information that you are going to need, likely soon.

3) If he is spending like there is no tomorrow (I call it "like water flowing over Niagara Falls"), you are going to need to make some difficult decisions soon in order to protect yourself financially. Mid-Lifers have no concept of responsibility or accountability. Consequences are things that happen to other people, not to them because, hey, they are just living their best life now and someone else is responsible for all their issues.  This can mean that you will need to consult an attorney to find out what rights you do have to protect yourself (establishing a new bank account in your name only, removing yourself from joint credit cards, etc.)

4) If it walks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, looks like a duck, poops like a duck and tastes like a duck when it is cooked, guess what.... It's a duck. If he is turning off his location and refusing to answer the phone or texts, it is because he has something to hide. It may very well be that he is simply turning his phone off but the result is the same. He is trying to hide something, most likely an affair. This also leads back into point 3 about protecting yourself financially.

5) If he is out doing the Mattress Mambo, something else that you will need to consider is protecting yourself physically. Running on the assumption he's dipping his wick elsewhere, you have no way of knowing who else has been using that wax pot and what impurities might have gotten in there that can then be transferred to you (a very round about politically correct way of saying that STD's are a real possibility that you need to be aware of and take precautions against)

6) I have merged your two threads into this single one. Please keep to a single thread until you rach 150 posts int eh thread. Otherwise it is a nightmare for the Moderators to manage. Thanks

I am sorry that you have had to find your way here but at the same time, glad that you have found us. This is a community of people that has been down this road or are still in the process and can support you. That doesn't mean we will blow smoke up your bum and  won't call you out of behaviour that we might see as detrimental to your own well-being but, like everything else, you take what is useful and discard that which is not helpful for you. What is important is that you need to take the focus OFF the Mid-Lifer because you can not control, change, manipulate, or nice them back into the marriage. What you can and need to do is to circle your own wagons and take care of your own emotional, physical, and financial well being. If there are kids int eh mix, it is even more imperative that a secure and safe place for them is established because the Mid-Lifer is no longer really capable of being a parent. They are reverting themselves beck to teenagers or even younger emotionally and are no longer capable or even interested in being a "partner" or "parent."

So, now that you have gotten the "drinking from a firehose" blast of information, please anonymize your screen name ASAP!

UM

[OffRoad]

Hi AM, how are you doing? Are things the same, improving, or getting stranger?

You have already gotten good advice and I can't stress enough that you need to protect your finances.  My mlcer went through $20,000+ in a month. Fortunately I had already split the money even though it was fairly early on.

Also be careful of gaslighting, where you will be told something you know is not true and he will insist it is true.

Let us know how you are.

[Ashley Mayo]

Good evening,
   This road that we are all on is an absolute roller coaster to say the least. We are living with someone we don't even recognize when we look them in the eyes. Someone we are so deeply in love with that we are willing to go through hell and back to be with. I am two years in, going on three and I have been through hell and back. He is on his second affair and this one is much worse than the first. He tells me he hasn't slept with her, that he is not seeing her, but he does talk to her on the phone and he does sometimes sit in her car after work and talks to her. What do you even believe, because if I am being honest I do not know what to believe any more. He tells me he is not in love with her, she is just someone easy to talk to about work issues. He tells me he doesn't have any romantic feelings for her and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. We are still sexually engaged with each other, as well.  I asked him yesterday, if he wanted me to leave and he said no. I told him today that I miss him and the kids miss him and he responded that he misses us too. He is afraid of losing me but he doesn't have the self-control to stop doing the things that he is doing right now. He has told me several times that he doesn't even know who he is or what he is doing anymore. He has admitted the man he has been is not the man he and I both know he is. He has also made the comment that he thinks he is having a mental breakdown. He doesn't want me to get a job, as we struggle and live pay check to pay check. Our daughter turns 4 tmw and we had agreed when she was born that I would stay home with her and I would take care of running our older children to school and sports because it wasn't realistic for me to work and pay for babysitting plus someone to ensure our older kids got to where they needed to go. About a month and a half ago. I started looking because finances is what sent him into MLC in the first place. I had two jobs lined up and were mind if I wanted them. I couldn't take on that responsibility because he couldn't prove to me that I could depend on him to be home with the kids when I was working and he was off. I explained to him several times, I need you to come home after work and show me that I can depend on you because I am not going to be unreliable for the company I work for. He proved to me that he could not be relied on. I had a third interview and asked him to come home and be with out daughter so I could go to this interview. Said he would be home in time, and then he never showed. It is almost like he doesn't want me to get a job because he knows I will not leave unless I am able to support our kids on my own. Is this a control thing? Is it he has me right where he wants me. I can't leave and he refuses to leave, so he can have his cake and eat it too? It is so confusing.

What stage are we in, because I do not even know anymore? He won't leave, he doesn't want me to leave, and he is opening his eyes to the man he has become. I want to stand by him, but I am getting tired. Tired of being disrespected. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being the only one who has to be a parent at all times, not just when it is convenient for him. I am just tired? He tells me everyday he loves me. He makes future plans with me. We talk about our future. I think he is struggling with our older children getting older and not wanting to do things with us anymore. That upsets him, although he won't admit it. He told me a month or so ago, that time is just flying by and he is running out of time to do the things he wants to do.


Does any one have any advice they can give me because I am lost. I am confused. He is lost and he is confused. We are both mentally breaking and I do not want to end up losing him. I love him so dang much.

[Ashley Mayo]

I would also like to add that some although somethings have remained the same, some things have changed. He use to find any excuse on his days off to take off and go do things on his own. He doesn't do that anymore. He use to just sit around and not help around the house. He wants to actually get up and pick up on responsibilities, especially the outside responsibilities. He doesn't hide his phone from me anymore. He will leave it sitting in the same room with me, while he is in another. He hasn't gotten upset with me when I ask him who is texting like he did in the beginning. He use to not come to bed and he is back in bed with me again. Some nights he falls asleep on the couch but not as often as he use to.

Things that have not changed:
He gets off of work around 7pm and he still doesn't come home at night. He will show up the next morning at 8:30 am. He still ignores my phone calls. He still shuts his location off. He still lies.

Is this progression or what?

[Dragonfly33]

Hi Ashley I am sorry that you are in that situation. i was once kn your situation and the only thing I could tell you right now is find a job. Once you are financially independent, it opens your door to a lot of options. You have to take away your focus on which stage your husband is. He is taking advantage of the fact that you won’t leave him no matter how much disrespect he does to you because he knows you are financially dependent on him. My x also told me he loves me and he was scared to lose me and yet he continued to cheat and lie. A normal person would not hurt the people they truly love. Your h is indeed cake eating. Be careful with being physically intimate with your h while he is seeing other women. You could get sicknesses or at least use a protection. Better you stop it all.

[Treasur]

Practical things first…..

Take a big breath. Then take a few more. It’s hard to figure out what to do when you feel so frazzled.

Is your posting name your real name? If so, I’d suggest you change it to something more anonymous to protect your confidentiality.

How old are you both? How old are your kids and how many do you have? How long have you been married? When was his first affair and how did you repair things after that? When did the latest affair start? When do you think you started to see this current version of your h and how long have you been living with this chaos and uncertainty? 2-3 years, I think you said…when/how did it start and what have you learned from what you have tried so far? Do you have friends or family nearby that you can ask for support while you figure stuff out? What are you doing to take care of yourself physically and emotionally bc this s$it can take a real toll on you?

The more we understand about your circumstances, the better we are able to support you.

And we want to support you bc we all understand what it feels like to be in similar shoes. I am very sorry that you have to find yourself here, but I hope it will help that you have.

[Treasur]

Now, the emotional bits….

It sounds as if you feel almost like a hostage to his whims and behaviour,  and tbh that’s probably bc you currently are. And that’s probably why a lot of your post is about him, his words, his behaviour, his wants. That’s normal for we LBS in the early days - it’s like living with a ticking bomb, isn’t it, always trying to second guess when it might go off? And what you can do to stop it ticking?

Every single person came here full of love for their spouse and feeling quite helpless about what to do. This is going to sound harsh, I know, but your love is not the main issue right now and it is not as important as it feels like it is. Bc this is not about you or how much you love him. It’s about figuring out how to protect you and your kids from that loudly ticking bomb. And that usually means being as clear-eyed as you can about what you see in front of you and shifting your priorities from a We to a Me. Trusting your own gut instinct. Basing your choices less on his words and more on his actions. Figuring out where your own lines in the sand are, what feels sucky but do-able and what feels unacceptable to you as a way to live.

And we get how hard that is bc it often means looking at realities that are painful and even a bit scary.

There are a lot of different ways to navigate this and different LBS here have made different choices. And you can change your mind bc of course events unfold.

But it can help to accept your feelings as real, and then try to put them to one side. Which usually means accepting that you are not responsible for your h’s behaviour, it isn’t your fault, and that nothing you do or say is going to change his behaviour significantly. It will change, if it does, bc of his mindset and wants, not bc of yours. Your only real choice is what you will work around or what you will not, what is acceptable to you regardless of the reasons behind it.

So, that’s the big question I’d encourage you to start thinking about. Take some more big breaths lol bc this stuff is not simple or easy. Right now, it sounds as if you are trying to ask him or negotiate with him or work with him? Again, LBS normal, we get it…but that is not lining up with reality is it? But less asking, less We, less negotiating tends to mean we need to get very clear in our own minds what we want. Not as an ideal thing, but starting from where you are today and working with the reality you see….bc that’s all any of us can do, isn’t it?

What do you need now and next, given how things are?
What do your children need?
What would you prioritise now if you knew 100% that your old marriage was over or that you might be living with this kind of spouse for the next 5 years? (Bc if it is MLC, the timescales are usually 5+ years at least and sadly most marriages don’t survive it and there is a lot of damage caused. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, that you hope your situation is different, but reading stories here, you can see that these are the most likely odds, sorry. So it makes sense to consider that imho)
Have you taken legal advice to understand your rights and obligations where you live?
What do you think you need to do to stop feeling like a hostage? To give you more options and to feel less caught between a rock and a hard place?

Bc these things are not so much about feelings but more about doings. And you have the right as a human being to protect yourself and your kids from being collateral damage from someone else’s behaviour regardless of whether they agree or like it. You do not need your h’s permission or agreement to do that; after all, he is not asking for yours in doing what he is doing, is he?

Let us know how we can best help you, my friend

[forthetrees]

The understanding that you had about you staying home with the kids while he worked outside the home has been broken and you are no longer beholden to that agreement. If I were in your shoes I would seek employment ASAP and I would not be consulting with him about it. The unfair and hard piece is that you may very well have to figure out how to do the job and find childcare with no assistance from him. If he is not coming home at night and you are still intimate, you have not reached the point of radical acceptance in terms of the state of your marriage. It takes a lot of strength to reach that point and it is painful beyond measure. But, like Treasure said, the practicalities of your situation take precedence and right now that means finding a way to have financial security. Worst case scenario divorce but with the courts mandating financial contribution from him. Best case scenario he returns and accepts that the stress of being the sole bread earner was too much for him to handle and you continue working outside the home. In between those scenarios, you start squirreling away funds to lower your anxiety and provide more strategic options. Your County may have child care options for people returning to the work force.