[midlifecrisis50]

Hello all. I had a midlife crisis. Mine lasted about 4.5 years. A member of this community invited me to join as this person knew I had a midlife crisis and thought I might be able to offer a little insight. Maybe help you try and understand WTF just happened to your life.

I've spent the last couple of days reading the posts and responses in the forum and the Facebook group. What I've learned is that not all of you are dealing with a spouse who hit a midlife crisis. In fact, I believe that a few of you are dealing with a narcissist. With that said, what one should do when dealing with a MLCer can be dangerous with a narcissist. Because of this, I really hesitated to post anything because I do NOT want to lead anyone down a dangerous path. It’s bad enough that your life was just blown apart without adding that element.

Those of us that hit a midlife crisis change…from the inside…and it’s extremely fast, even quite sudden. Make no mistake about it, if your lifelong partner really did hit a midlife crisis, your life has changed…and it has changed forever. If your spouse hit a real midlife crisis, their world was completely blown apart too. Who they once were was disintegrated into oblivion from the inside and that's why your world was shattered too.

So, to begin with, you want to know if what you are dealing with is truly a midlife crisis. With that said, my question to you is:

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

Welcome.  For your privacy we do not allow real names to be used.

[AlvinTheMaker]

With that said, my question to you is:

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

For me MLC is just an umbrella term for any kind of crisis that happens in midlife and destroys families. Nothing more nothing less.

For me the power of this thinking comes from "If you cannot name it, you cannot tame it".

Of course I did not think like this initially, but it is where I landed over time.

Just my few cents of worth.

Alvin

[WHY]

Thank you for joining the community.  There have been various recovered MLCer stories over the years that have been insightful and invaluable to us LBS.

My question is: how do you know you are finished with your MLC.  When did it start and how did it end?  How many years?

[midlifecrisis50]

My question is: how do you know you are finished with your MLC.  When did it start and how did it end?  How many years?

When did it start: Mine started shortly before I turned 50. It hit me in an instant, like I just hit a wall. Suddenly I was in a mind that was not mine. Looking back, I think there were signs for several weeks prior, like isolation.

How many years?: I was in it for about 4.5 years, with the first 3 years in the thick of it. Like unable to understand other people's pain and why society frowns on certain behaviors. Certainly, I was doing things I would never have done in my prior life. I spent those years on a journey of getting to know the person that hijacked my mind, the new me I suppose. 

How did it end?: I remember the first time I felt my feelings (about 3 years in). I got so excited, and then, the feeling disappeared for another few months. That first feeling was anger. I got pissed, lol. I didn't even care, to me it was the first sign that I might be able to feel again, thus get some quality of life back. For about 3 years or so, I knew how I felt about things but I couldn't actually FEEL it. My emotions were flat. I wasn't depressed, just flat. I think that was why I was unable to anticipate or look forward to things, even when I knew I would enjoy myself if I attended.

Gradually, my ability to feel my feelings returned... Very gradually. Another 1.5  years. Now, I feel stronger than I ever remember feeling before I hit my midlife crisis.

One night in April or May of 2022, something inside me changed...again. It kind of felt like something inside me snapped. The drinking stopped (which had escalated to 5-6 days  a week after 7 loved ones died of COVID in 2021, including my baby brother. Then my dad a few months after that.) I drank heavily for about a year when something inside changed.

In an instant, the MLC fog lifted, the grief of the lost loved ones flooded in, and sanity returned. Although I was in great pain from the grief of the lost loved ones from the prior year, I had a sense of peace, like, "I can do this." The excessive drinking just stopped. I didn't need or want it anymore. My alcohol consumption went back to normal, a couple of drinks a couple of times a month.

BTW, I wasn't aware of the MLC fog until it lifted.

How do you know you are finished with your MLC?: Because I don't do stupid sh*t anymore. I feel all my feelings. I once again understand why society frowns on certain behaviors and once again I am able to empathise and sympathise with others.

Who I am today is a combination of who I was before the MLC and who I was during. Those two completely different people must have somehow merged. Most of the phobias I had before I hit that wall completely disappeared and are still gone. Some of my fears returned and I am now calculated when it comes to taking risks whereas in my MLC, I just was flying by the seat of my pants, oblivious to dangers when taking risks or who I might hurt. I think before I leap now.

Aside from that, I just know it, like I just knew I hit a midlife crisis, having known nothing about MLC until I hit it.

[WHY]

Do you think there was a catalyst for the awakening, like rock bottom, or was it just a function of time?

[Treasur]

To your original question….

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

Well, my most honest answer is I don’t know bc I can’t know what is in someone else’s head. And now, years later, it matters less than I thought it did at the time. So I don’t know but I think being able to call it something like MLC helped me feel that I had not gone insane and that what was happening felt extreme and weird bc it WAS extreme and weird.

At the time, I thought so because he became virtually unrecognisable. Just not normal for him. And then he became increasingly just not normal for normal people. Perhaps unusually here, to my knowledge he was under psychiatric care for a couple of years, so objectively speaking, something had gone seriously awry in him and people other than me with no skin in the game evidentally thought so. But I don’t know if it was MLC per se or something else or indeed if he got ‘better’. And neither a label or what happened to him down the road changed any of the practical reality of the effect on me, my life and my well-being.

Out of interest, if you are happy to share, a lot of folks here might be interested in your perspective now and then on those who were significantly affected by your MLC behaviour. Making some kind of sense of that tends to be a rather gnawing issue for most LBS.

[KayDee]

Dear MLC50,

Thank you for offering to share your journey, especially as it must have been a very painful period for you. I am happy to read that you have navigated these choppy waters and have come through with a such a positive and giving spirit.

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

Because:

• he pretty much told me so. He said he was broken, that he hated himself, and that he did not enjoy any of the things he used to do.
  he was obviously depressed (and angry) the year previously
  his FOO issues had come to ahead and this was what he was initially angry about
  he wildly swung back and forth, and round and round with his emotions.
  his behaviour has been akin to bi-polar. Madly running, spending etc and then deep depths of despair
  he was never like this at any time in our 25 plus years together

I believe he had a crisis that hit at midlife. A breakdown.

My understanding of narcissism, when it hits the level of NPD, is that it is all about power and control. There is a lot of talk now about covert/inverted narcissists. The mechanisms may be different but the drivers are still the same.  My relationship with my H was never based on power or control, from either of us. Therefore I know he is not a narcissist. But he was brought up by one, and this is a theme I see on this forum a lot.

As a final note, I have the misfortune of knowing two people with NPD, and in my experience, their patterns of behaviour become obvious relatively quickly. Lots of failed relationships (friends, professional, as well as romantic) in their rear view mirror. I personally think it unusual, but not impossible, that someone has a personality disorder that goes undetected by their significant other for decades. JMO.

[gman242]

As a final note, I have the misfortune of knowing two people with NPD, and in my experience, their patterns of behaviour become obvious relatively quickly. Lots of failed relationships (friends, professional, as well as romantic) in their rear view mirror. I personally think it unusual, but not impossible, that someone has a personality disorder that goes undetected by their significant other for decades. JMO.

That's why I've been advocating for looking at your own FOO and attachment issues. I think in a lot of ways, many of us equally created the situation we were in. 

My ex is a covert narcissist, 100%. I don't think it went undetected by me, it's just that it was excused, ignored, rationalized away and in many regards, I was just too immature, naïve and lacked enough experience to see any of it for what it was because of my own FOO issues and attachment style.

[Happylight]

When did it start: Mine started shortly before I turned 50. It hit me in an instant, like I just hit a wall. Suddenly I was in a mind that was not mine. Looking back, I think there were signs for several weeks prior, like isolation.

How many years?: I was in it for about 4.5 years, with the first 3 years in the thick of it. Like unable to understand other people's pain and why society frowns on certain behaviors. Certainly, I was doing things I would never have done in my prior life. I spent those years on a journey of getting to know the person that hijacked my mind, the new me I suppose. 

Do you have any idea of when people around you became aware that something was off?  Did you try to hide it from others for a while?  Did you hide it from some people while letting others see the truth?  The same question applies to the end, did it take a while to build new relationships or let others know that things had changed again? 

[Baxter1]

Thank you for sharing your views. Were you married durring this crisis? If you had to give advice to an LBS what would it be?