[AlvinTheMaker]

Just curious ... Did you experience any physical changes ir transitions during or after MLC? And what was your reaction and approach with it?

One example of this may be what is known as "shark eyes" (and need to wear sun glasses a LOT, likely because pupils are so enlarged). A number of mental and physical conditions can cause this.

Another is "graying out" suddenly... For example my XW looked absolutely fabulous when she filed (she had lost weight, exercised regularly etc stuff she had never done), few years down the road she had aged massively - gray hair, weight was back, skin had lost glow etc.

Alvin

[mcm64d]

Love the question about the eyes.....

Maybe I missed it  midlifecrisis50....but you did find it ironic as you were going through this that one of the reasons to get out of New York and go to Florida, California, Africa, etc. was having to work for all of the things around you that you no longer wanted only to get to Florida and almost immediately have to find a job?

And I am not sure who sachertorte is quoting a few posts ago, but how does one go from seemingly wanted to implode their lives, realizing but not caring who is hurt, offended, left for dead, etc. to become like you where you try to make amends for what has happened? Is all of that confusion and desperation inside not to be the person you are  while at the same time wanting to run and be whatever you can be ever directly at odds with each other or do they "take turns"?

[WHY]

I also was thinking of one encouraging a MLCer that it really does get better. I met someone some years after she came out of her MLC and that was one of the first things she said to me when she learned I was having one at the time. I really needed to hear that as I was giving up hope of coming out of it.

And maybe explaining to the MLCer that they may not always feel this way about LBS, and they will most likely want their old marriage back, and therefore it's not worth burning all bridges to the ground so that there is still a path home if they choose it.  This may be helpful. 

Because I still do not understand this need to inflict maximum torture on LBS.  Sure leave, run off to fantasyland, go have 10 affairs.  But why stay in the LBS's life and say and do despicable things to actively inflict pain?  This is the part I still cannot reconcile.  Maybe advice from someone like you would help them to embrace their MLC, but keep those bridges in tact.

[midlifecrisis50]

AlvinTheMaker
Just curious ... Did you experience any physical changes or transitions during or after MLC? And what was your reaction and approach with it? Oh yes. Some I didn’t notice until I came out.

My eyes changed almost immediately if not in an instant. Not just my close people but other towns folk commented that my eyes looked different. I didn’t notice until recently when I was watching some of my vids. Wow! Who's eyes were those? About 4 years later, the people I made friends with here started making comments like, you look happy, and your eyes shine. At least several that I clearly remember. So they noticed the change as I came out.

I also gained 8 pounds in the first 28 days. That might not sound like much but for someone that started out at 130, that’s nearly 2 sizes. I can see that weight in my vids. I was like, ooh, I got fat, lol. At first I figured it would fall off but when it didn’t after a couple of months, I worked to get it off.

My hair was always so soft but inside of a month of hitting that wall I noticed it wasn’t any more. And the shine seemed to be gone too. I tried many different products to get it back but all to no avail. It is now just as soft and shiny as it was prior MLC. I don’t think the greying was any faster than it would have been if I didn’t have a MLC but how would I know? Lol

mcm64d
Maybe I missed it  midlifecrisis50....but you did find it ironic as you were going through this that one of the reasons to get out of New York and go to Florida, California, Africa, etc. was having to work for all of the things around you that you no longer wanted only to get to Florida and almost immediately have to find a job? I know, doesn’t make sense does it? I only kept $1,000, how was that supposed to take me where I wanted to go? The difference was that I wasn’t working for stuff anymore but to keep moving. The mindset was different. A job was going to be temporary, just until I saved enough to fly out of here.

On a side note: I haven’t had a “job” in the past couple of years. Once I found my purpose, I was able to create an income on auto pilot. This was a side effect of helping to heal. I now live on royalties from my creations. I make better money now than I ever have my whole life. And since I keep feeling connected to those people, I keep creating for them.

how does one go from seemingly wanted to implode their lives, realizing but not caring who is hurt, offended, left for dead, etc. to become like you where you try to make amends for what has happened? This is the difference between being disconnected or detached and becoming attached again. Getting the ability to feel our feelings again. My feelings are more intense now than before I hit my MLC. With the return of those feelings comes the ability to empathize and with that the realization that all people matter. They are the reason for creation and the reason for our existence. While I always did for others before MLC, it’s somehow different now. It extends far beyond just those in my circle.

I always felt like I was meant for “more”. Now I know what that “more” is. It’s not success, stuff, financial riches, or recognition. I am NOT the face on my brand nor will I ever be. I do not want those people to give credit to me, I want them to take credit for themselves and see for themselves the great stuff they’re made of.

That "more" is feeling like my life has meaning beyond my small world, beyond that which I can see.

Is all of that confusion and desperation inside not to be the person you are  while at the same time wanting to run and be whatever you can be ever directly at odds with each other or do they "take turns"? They didn’t take turns for me. They were at odds and part of my suffering. It’s such a struggle inside. Not much is clear.

At about 5 minutes into this vid and off and on through the rest, you can see the internal struggle I was having. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTzrB4WzePE I wanted to stay but I had to go. I didn’t see a choice.

It’s like, not wanting to hurt those around but you can’t be who you were before, that person is gone. We do struggle to get that back especially since we don’t even know who we became, and so fast! I repeatedly asked, “what the hell happened to my life?” But I also wondered why I made some of the decisions I had through my life. None of it made any sense. Not the past and not hitting the wall. This is part of the confusion, the tornado inside.

[Atari25]

It’s like, not wanting to hurt those around but you can’t be who you were before, that person is gone. We do struggle to get that back especially since we don’t even know who we became, and so fast! I repeatedly asked, “what the hell happened to my life?” But I also wondered why I made some of the decisions I had through my life. None of it made any sense. Not the past and not hitting the wall. This is part of the confusion, the tornado inside.

I see the confusion and conflict in my wife. My kids see it. We all experience it. The strange comments and behavior have been around for over a year and when I see her these days they are even stranger and more cryptic. She talks about her life like we know what she is doing even though we rarely see her or hear from her. So detached now - so sad. Want to help her so much.

I don't think she is meaning to hurt us at all, just no concept of the gravity of what she has done.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hello again,

Another curious question... Do you think it is poblereliably identify MLC based on just external behaviour. Or do you need to be also aware of the internal crisis? How would you personally define and identify a person with MLC?

Alvin

[Biscuit]

MLC50,

Thanks for continuing to post and answer the myriad of questions thrown at you. It's really helpful to have a view from the other side, they are so far and few between and I'm very grateful, as I'm sure everyone else here too is.

I have a question, and please don't answer this if it makes you uncomfortable. I think it's fairly unique for us here to see someone that documented their MLC in the same way you did - via the videos you made. I'd like to know how the you that you have become views the you in those videos? Does it feel that you know that person? Can you remember feeling the way you did when you filmed them and can you draw on that experience in everyday life or do you feel disconnected from that version of you?

Thanks, please keep posting, it's really useful! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

B x 

[midlifecrisis50]

AlvinTheMaker
Another curious question... Do you think it is poblereliably identify MLC based on just external behaviour. Or do you need to be also aware of the internal crisis? How would you personally define and identify a person with MLC? The change in external behavior is caused by the internal crisis. Within an hour of hitting that wall, I just knew it was a midlife crisis. While I knew there was something internal going on, I didn’t really know what that was or where it came from. While I knew I hit a MLC, it was a long time before I became aware of the internal crisis, the cause.

A person having a MLC doesn’t have to be aware of their internal turmoil, but it’s there nonetheless. Once they do become aware of that, they usually realize it was there from the beginning.

While there are other reasons for a person's behavior to change, there are key differences for a MLC.

Biscuit
I'd like to know how the you that you have become views the you in those videos? Does it feel that you know that person? As I watch those vids, I think, “who is that?”

Can you remember feeling the way you did when you filmed them and can you draw on that experience in everyday life or do you feel disconnected from that version of you? While I usually feel disconnected from that version, I easily remember how I felt then in the form of knowledge rather than something I personally experienced. As I watched those vids recently, they did stir up things I forgot. I have to purposefully take myself back to that time to be able to “feel” what it was like.

[Atari25]

@midlifecrisis50 - What was the feeling towards your kids through MLC (did you keep in touch regularly) and how is your relationship now?

My MLCer has mostly abandoned the kids, other than a check in message every couple of weeks,  and the odd lunch or something once in a while.

[WHY]

Hi MLC50.  I have a question about what you said:

One night in April or May of 2022, something inside me changed...again. It kind of felt like something inside me snapped. The drinking stopped (which had escalated to 5-6 days  a week after 7 loved ones died of COVID in 2021, including my baby brother. Then my dad a few months after that.) I drank heavily for about a year when something inside changed.

In an instant, the MLC fog lifted, the grief of the lost loved ones flooded in, and sanity returned. Although I was in great pain from the grief of the lost loved ones from the prior year, I had a sense of peace, like, "I can do this." The excessive drinking just stopped. I didn't need or want it anymore. My alcohol consumption went back to normal, a couple of drinks a couple of times a month.

BTW, I wasn't aware of the MLC fog until it lifted.

So when you could feel again.  And you felt the fog lift.  And now became aware that there was a fog to begin with.  Were you able to feel, see, and remember all the destruction that you left behind regarding your loved ones?  Was there a sense of regret?  Did you feel a need to make things right?

I think a lot of MLCers have this regret, but are unable to bring themselves to do the hard work to find a way back to their loved ones (ie. I screwed up my life and will have to live with the consequences).  What gave you the courage to rebuild those bridges?