[midlifecrisis50]

Do you think there was a catalyst for the awakening, like rock bottom, or was it just a function of time?

At first, and for a couple of years, I had no idea. I was trying to figure that out thinking that if I could, maybe I could come out of it. The ideas of possession, alien take-over, multi-universe, or step-in seemed like a very real possibility to me at the time since I was suddenly in a mind that was not my own.

After a couple of years, I started thinking that maybe there was something that might have pushed me into it, but I still didn't know.

Now, looking back, I believe that FOR ME it was a culmination of many things and my inner world finally exploded. Two years prior, my mother died (trauma), 6 months after that a friend of mine committed suicide (you can't make sense of that so trauma?), and 6 months after that my job (that I loved) burned to the ground. Throw into the mix some smaller challenges, like not being able to find work for over a year, and some bad nightmares of people in my family dying. At each issue, I believed, at the time, that I moved through the pain in a pretty healthy way. I didn't ignore or stuff it, I actually faced it and did the work. Then I was about to turn 50. I always had a fear of aging, even since I was a child. Not a fear of dying, but of getting old and not being able to do things anymore.

So I think it might have been all these things crashing in on me at once that pushed me over the other side.

[midlifecrisis50]

Do you have any idea of when people around you became aware that something was off?  Did you try to hide it from others for a while?  Did you hide it from some people while letting others see the truth?  The same question applies to the end, did it take a while to build new relationships or let others know that things had changed again?

Do you have any idea of when people around you became aware that something was off? I think they noticed something was a little off for a few weeks before I actually hit the wall. I was in a fog for a few weeks before hitting the wall (as I call it) but I thought it would blow over, like the winter blues or something.

Did you try to hide it from others for a while? I tried to continue to function like normal for those few weeks that I was in the fog, but people were telling me that I changed, that I was different. I didn't understand them until I hit the wall. Once everything in me changed, in an instant, I then understood why people said that to me.

Did you hide it from some people while letting others see the truth? No. Once I hit the wall, I put it out there on Facebook for everyone to see. Hoping they might know why I had been a little off and also as a warning that there was now nothing little about it, I was a completely different person.

The same question applies to the end, did it take a while to build new relationships or let others know that things had changed again? For me, coming out of the MLC was very gradual over 1.5 years then an instant inner shift of the rest. What was left of the fog (that I wasn't aware was there) suddenly lifted. My relationships gradually changed over that 1.5 years of what I would now call recovery. As I was coming out, I did slowly end a few relationships that I made while I was in the thick of it as I realized that they were not healthy for me. Like, we simply drifted apart.

[midlifecrisis50]

Thank you for sharing your views. Were you married durring this crisis? If you had to give advice to an LBS what would it be?

Were you married during this crisis? No, I was not married or in a long-term relationship at the time. Someone, somewhere was spared that, seriously.

If you had to give advice to an LBS what would it be? This question is not so cut and dry. What might help in one relationship could be destruction in another. But for the spouse, children, parents, and other loved ones of a MLCer, I would say, focus on you, your healing. Your life was blown apart too. No one can control another person and unfortunately, I don't believe that anyone can help someone in a MLC, but you do have control over yourself. Be gentle on yourself, love yourself, tell yourself that you matter and that you are valuable because you are!!! Above all, there was nothing about you that causes the MLC and nothing you could have done to prevent it, even if you did see signs.

[midlifecrisis50]

I know we all would love to have answers, something that can explain what the heck happened. But as Treasur has said many times does it really matter? What changes if you could pin a label on it?

I think for some people, being able to put a label on it relieves them of the feeling of responsibility. Sure, no one is responsible for the actions of another, and you may even know that in your head, but that's not how it always feels. If it turns out that it was NPD, BPD, BP, MLC, or whatever, then a lightbulb goes off in the head saying, "It's not me, It's not my fault, there was nothing I did to cause it, and there is nothing I can do to fix it." For some, it is at that point they can begin to heal themselves and rebuild their lives free of guilt (which many people feel when something happens to their spouse or child).

A lot of people feel like they could have prevented what happened to their spouse and the reality is, as you know, if it is NPD, BPD, BP, MLC, a mental break, or even just boredom, you cannot prevent any of that happening to your spouse. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!

[midlifecrisis50]

During the heavy first three years, were you aware that how you presented to your loved ones, had changed?

I’m curious because my exH has been in crisis for three plus years and during this time I have only once said to him: “I don’t even know who you are anymore”. Recently, I just said those same words for the second time.

It bothered him that I made that statement. He said verbatim via text:
“I don’t believe I deserve for you to continually say I’m not the person I was just because we’re divorced. That’s not fair to say because it’s not true.”

I find it interesting that his perception is that I “continually” make this statement, which couldn’t be further from the truth, hence, couldn’t be further from reality. Can you shed any light on this?

During the heavy first three years, were you aware that how you presented to your loved ones, had changed? The few weeks prior to hitting the wall, I was not, even when they told me I was different. After I hit it, I knew because at that moment the me I was before was gone, nearly completely.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore”. Wow, I can't tell you how many times I heard this word-for-word during the first three years (in the thick of it), but especially before I left the state. Just reading it sends me back. And to be honest, I might have chuckled just a little when I read it. I get it.

I can't say why he would say that to you (continually) when you only said it twice with years in between, but I would imagine he has heard that many times, it just happened to be you when he had a knee-jerk reaction to it or you were a safe person to react to about it. Another thought would be maybe he only heard it from others just a few times, or maybe even just once, but it has been ringing in his ears all this time. I know it did for me, it rang in my ears a ton of times while I was in the thick of it.

He also said that it just wasn't true. I personally knew that I was different, but I didn't really know how. Some people in a MLC really don't know they are in one or they are in denial of it. Hence, would see that statement as untrue.

In a MLC, we are not in reality, although I would have heavily argued against that while I was in one. I mean, we are in reality, it's just a different reality from everyone around us. I kept saying, "I'm not crazy" and "I didn't fall off my rocker." We believe we are of sound mind. I know I did. And maybe I was. But when I watch some of the videos I put on YouTube during my midlife crisis, I think, WOW, I sound f*kng nuts!

[Imgood]

MLC50 thank you for responding. What you’ve said has helped me. If I had to guess, he doesn’t know he’s in a midlife crisis. It’s either that or he is in denial. He trusts few people, however, I believe he trusts me. We were married twenty eight plus years. Between his OCD tendencies and the fact that when we were married he valued my thoughts and opinions….I can see how me making that statement might play over and over in his head. And, it makes sense to me that he felt safe to respond as he did.

I did apologize to him immediately and let him know that it won’t happen again. By that, I mean….I won’t utter those words to him again BUT I stand by my experience! Lol

Through this whole life imploding event, I have been kind and shown him grace. In the same year that our divorce was final, he got married which still sounds absolutely crazy to me as the words come out of my mouth. He has never told me that he is married. I only know because he told our daughter and she told me. I have not said a word to him about this fact. Our divorce was final last year and he got married eight months later. I continue show him kindness and grace.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi midlifecrisis50,

If below is too personal question, there is no need to respond.

The ideas of possession, alien take-over, multi-universe, or step-in seemed like a very real possibility to me at the time since I was suddenly in a mind that was not my own. 

Did you consider "normal" options, like going to doctor at the early stages? 

And since your recovery, have you seen and spoken to medical professional of what you experienced? And if not, why?

Alvin

[WHY]

The community here largely agrees that family of origin issues are a big cause of MLC in later life.  I tend to agree.  Not in all cases.  But most recovered MLCers have said something about FOO.

Do you believe your MLC was cause by something in your past.  Your attachment style to your father?  Some trauma that happened?  If it’s too personal please don’t feel obliged to answer. 

But perhaps this will help you too. To understand why you did what you did.  And that it wasn’t really a choice or your fault.  That perhaps it was a result of something in your past. 

Did you ever dig into this?

[gman242]

Does it take two two tango? Yes. Could I have done some things better? Sure. But what's more dangerous than an armchair diagnosis is to accept or internalize abusive behavior in any form. If thinking of him as having NPD or some other personality disorder keeps him off my mind and gone, I'm better off.

I get what Marvin is saying. In any scientific and clinical approach, you can never say anything with certainty, only that there's a high correlation and .. well there's also a certain liability that goes along with that too, so that's why Lysol says they only can kill up to 99.9999% of germs. And yes, there are tons of over laps and co morbidities and that's why the industry has moved away from hard, Freudian like diagnoses and moved into clusters and scatter plots.

But on this side of the lab coat, saying narcissist, jerk, a**hole.. whatever, if it helps you vent, gets it off your chest and you keep a perspective and check yourself, I'm good. Not to reiterate..

But you make a good point too.. like you said nobody deserves emotional, physical or financial abuse. Nobody asked for it, brought it upon themselves or anything. You're absolutely right and being able to label something (even casually) can help you create a boundary between you and it. That can be very powerful in many ways.

To heal and move on, we must clearly understand right and wrong and sometimes labeling abuse for what it is, is the way to go. I know from experience, it takes courage to recognize abuse and to even admit that it happened. The mere act of doing so is a huge step.

I also understand what Treasur is saying too. I think she means that when the LBS is dealing with the chaotic whirlwind of MLC, it's better to focus on your own healing and not get caught up in the details of the MLC, which is what I'm saying too. If it makes you feel better to call them a narcissist, go ahead, but don't forget to focus on yourself, GAL, take care of your kids, your own mental health and finances and so on and so forth.

[FrenchHusband]

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

As a matter of fact, I can not be sure that what happened to my wife is indeed a MLC. Here I found many similar stories to mine, in words and actions. I found here a brotherhood of people with similar situations. I found here very good advices from the so called LBS (the main advices written on this thread), and a key to understanding the situation I face at home. Now I feel relief from that understanding and I am to apply the advices that make sense for me.

I hope one day the MLC will be known and recognized as it is already the case for the teenage crisis. I believe that will help people under MLC, and that will help also the LBS to focus less on this crisis and more on themselves. Even if there are many similar patterns, each crisis is unique, so we can not foresee any good improvement from the "happy end" stories, and in my opinion it is best to not expect any improvement.