[Greenacre]

I knew this day would come and it really hurts. It’s not quite the outcome I was expecting though! You guys have been my rock through the past and I need you again 😢

Found out my replacement is someone 17 years younger than my ex (he’s 45, she’s 28). What the hell?! Please can I get peoples thoughts on this

Was dumped out of the blue last autumn after four years with the man who told all my friends and family he was going to propose to me and we were in the middle of buying property (although we lived together in a rented apartment) and was about to start a family - he brought up conversations about what names to choose. 

We were so happy, never argued and had an amazing relationship (or so I thought)……he left me saying something was ‘missing’ he felt pressured for marriage (despite HIM being the one bringing all the future plans up) and then bizarrely said he wanted to find a wife and a mother?? The man I adored turned into a stranger overnight and I still to this day have no idea why or how this happened? The only big red flag with him is he had never had proper long term relationships before me so maybe that’s where the ‘missing’ bit stems from.

He’s never reached out, blocked my phone and completely blanks me at work.

I always (stupidly) thought he might reflect on what he’s thrown away and open up to talking.

I’ve just found out he’s with someone 17 years younger than him (!) moved her into his apartment and apparently it’s all sunshine and rainbows for him. This girl has apparently told her friends she ‘wouldn’t date him as he was far too old but he’s rich and she likes being wined and dined by rich men. Shes apparently the town bicycle and as one person described her ‘a psycho bunny boiler’ and is apparently plastering photos of their dates to fancy restaurants all over social media - I obviously don’t follow her and haven’t seen these, nor do I want to.

I guess that’s it then. It’s like the heartbreak all over again. I really thought at some point we would be able to work this out and he had just had a huge ‘future freak out’. I’m terrified this ‘girl’ is going to get her claws in and do all the things we had planned and I’m going to have to see it all play out in front of me. Ugh. I have been doing SO well too. I don’t know what to do to remedy any of this or whether he will ever even consider coming back?

[thissucks7788]

I'm so sorry.  Yes, the younger thing--well I think it makes them feel younger and like they still got it. Fills a void for them to deal with their crisis. Something to that effect. Not to mention society seems to prize this as a guy gets a trophy or something.  As for the overnight change-- I had this as well.  Looked something like this-- I thought great relationship, got along amazingly well, had intimacy regularly, laughs etc... Behind the scenes for a few months, H was falling in limerence with a girl 30 years his junior (yup, 30 years).  So while he still "loved" me, the allure of a new shiny and young person was more desirable. You as the regular person for years just can't live up to the new person.  When looking back, I'm sure that H was thinking about this in his head quietly for at least a month or so.  Perhaps your guy was already interested or moving forward with this person and you didn't know.

But like most fantasies--when allowed to play out, don't turn out as they hoped. You already said that you heard her basically say that she is using him for his money.  If this is true, when he is done spending, she will be done with him.  NOt to mention that living together is probably a good way to kill off some of the limerence.  If I were in your shoes, I would sit back and watch it self destruct.  Meanwhile, keep moving forward with your own life and show him you can move on without him.  No guarantee that he will come back but if you keep your cool-- he may review what he lost as his fantasy starts to fall apart. 

Also it may depend if he is having a transition or full blown crisis.  With a crisis, he can find another LO after to fill the void.  I believe my H had a transition.  I "let" him move out and try to live out his silly fantasy with this person.  I presented that I wouldn't be a barrier to him and his "soulmate".  Well, H asked to come home 5 months later.  It is my belief that me letting him go and moving forward, him being in transition and not working out with LO (who wasn't interested romantically) he looked back and saw what he discarded. 

So those are some thoughts I have about it.  In the meantime, look out for you and take care of yourself. He has to work out his own journey.

B

PS Take the reasons he said he left with a grain of salt.  They need to rationalize why they are leaving a loving loyal partner and this is how they do it. 

[UrsaMajor]

Found out my replacement is someone 17 years younger than my ex (he’s 45, she’s 28). What the hell?! Please can I get peoples thoughts on this

My thoughts?

I’ve just found out he’s with someone 17 years younger than him (!) moved her into his apartment and apparently it’s all sunshine and rainbows for him. This girl has apparently told her friends she ‘wouldn’t date him as he was far too old but he’s rich and she likes being wined and dined by rich men. Shes apparently the town bicycle and as one person described her ‘a psycho bunny boiler’ and is apparently plastering photos of their dates to fancy restaurants all over social media - I obviously don’t follow her and haven’t seen these, nor do I want to.

Make yourself some popcorn, grab a cold beverage, sit back, and watch the


What he decides to do afterward is nothing you can control. You can only control your reaction to what he chooses to do....

[Greenacre]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

[KayDee]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

For now, it may help you to look at the behaviours and less at the label. Imagine doing to him what he is doing to you? It's extremely cold and, quite frankly, immature. I think a lot of us get to the point, mental health crisis or not, where we have to accept that their behaviour is very damaging and their go-to coping is extremely self-centered. However I slice it, my H chose to throw me and our extended family under the bus on his quest for magic happy.  You may think the same of your SO. He seems to have a pattern of running away, this is HIS issue to resolve. Brace yourself for the fact that he may never face it. Sorry.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

Yup, that's a 'thing' - laziness, the OW stalking your life, more destructive nails hammered into the relationship you had by a self-destructive man? Could be any of these.

The best thing I did was to stop looking at social media, stop any sort of activity that brought me news or info about my H. Takes willpower, but IMO, brings peace and calm. Your imagination will join the dots and make you think he is having the best of times. But really, he is a man who is on the run from himself, trying to fill his existential vacuum with a twenty something that likely blows smoke up is ass for - well, whatever she gets out of it? She's not your problem, honestly. He is responsible for his actions.

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

Stay true to your own values. Keep hold of your integrity. Maybe treat him like any other colleague. Say good morning or whatever you would normally do. It's not for you go grappling after him. Quite frankly he is being spiteful and childish. While he's like that, let him be. Do you want this version of him back?

So sorry you are going through this. The good new is that we all get through it, often with a renewed appreciation of the things that really matter in life.  Slowly, slowly, you will start to see the wood from the trees. You will see your value and that you are worth so much more than to be treated like this. Says everything about him. Nothing about you.

[UrsaMajor]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

You will have as much success wondering what green tastes like by dipping your elbow in it..... We can't tell if it was a MLC or if they have simply gone bat-snot off their rocker until time has past and we can look at it i n hindsight..... In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter much WHAT the cause was as much as what happened and how we recover and live our lives afterwards.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

they do that because it is easy - like KayDee said, it is laziness because it is known to them and comfortable.... Some say they repeat things to erase the memories they have of doing the things with us so they can then justify their actions more easily and don't need to feel guilty..... Others say it is just force of habit and they are too lazy to do something new.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

Bunny Boiler

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

In my opinion, you DON'T respond to it.... Doing the "pick me" dance is not going to do you any good and letting him know that you are still waiting int he wings just gives him a false sense of security. You are NOT a"back up plan."  He needs to feel the loss, the lack, that there is a big something missing form his life and then HE needs to figure out what that is.....

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

There is the rub. "That guy" is gone.... period.... One does not make the trip to Hades and back and remain unchanged. IF he gets his head out of his ..... fog.... he won't be the same person you knew. He will have changed, hopefully for the better but one never knows before hand. You can leave the door open for him to come back but there is no need to scatter crumbs to lead him back that the birds are going to eat anyway.....

[in it]

Ignore him as much as possible. Don't drive passed where he lives. Keep your dignity.  No "pick me" dance.
More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn. We've seen it many times. Work on raising your standards.
No one needs someone who will do this kind of thing. Regardless of how they were in any part of the relationship.
Don't get involved with the drama . Maintain your peace.

[WHY]

More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn.

More than likely?  There is no way this relationship survives....

[Greenacre]

Ignore him as much as possible. Don't drive passed where he lives. Keep your dignity.  No "pick me" dance.
More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn. We've seen it many times. Work on raising your standards.
No one needs someone who will do this kind of thing. Regardless of how they were in any part of the relationship.
Don't get involved with the drama . Maintain your peace.

Unfortunately couldn’t help the drive by and it wasn’t done on purpose….its literally right on the way to somewhere I need to go once a week. It sounds really horrible (and I hate myself for thinking that way) but I hope she hurts him or behaves so immaturely he gets rid of her. Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are. That said, beyond going out drinking and fancy dinners I’m not sure there will be much depth between them

[KayDee]

Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are.

Not hearing about it is part of the Great Comms Black Out that will save your sanity. If friends are telling you, kindly ask them not to. It's also so much better in helping maintain friendships. The MLC drama chaos circus spreads its poison.

If you can find another route each week, even better. If you can't, crank up the car stereo, eyes forward!