[MadLuv]

Seems to be pretty common for them to do things they did with you. Most say it’s because they aren’t to original. My XH tends to stay away from anything we did, but does everything I wanted to do but we didn't. Which is also a hard pill to swallow, until you figure out that none of it means much. You sound good and strong!!!

[Greenacre]

Seems to be pretty common for them to do things they did with you. Most say it’s because they aren’t to original. My XH tends to stay away from anything we did, but does everything I wanted to do but we didn't. Which is also a hard pill to swallow, until you figure out that none of it means much. You sound good and strong!!!

I know from MLC FB groups it seems a common phenomenon with them copying things. Definitely a hard pill to swallow watching them do all the things you wanted to do.

It did utterly confuse me why he turned up at that gig KNOWING I would be there when he can barely walk past me at work. Maybe he's completely indifferent, it doesn't mean anything and he doesn't care? Maybe he was trying to prove a point? He can barely look at me at work but that night as I walked in and looked up he was staring right at me and the eye contact was very intense so I'm not entirely sure he's indifferent.

Its been pretty peaceful being away from the work place the last few weeks with my hand injury. Even with plastering a smile on my face and getting on with things there was always a low lying level of anxiety walking around the building not knowing if I would see him/bump into him somewhere.

Back to work this week which I've been super pleased and happy about (although no operating for another couple of weeks which is sad). I've felt myself feeling very different whilst I've been there this week shifting from previously feeling anxious about seeing him but wanting to have run in's, to now feeling like I really don't want to see him or speak to him. Just shows how feelings and attitudes can change over SUCH a long time.

Hopefully things are heading in the right direction for me and hopefully he's realizing that fantasy rainbow land isn't perhaps all that!

[Greenacre]

A very small update today (although huge for me!!!) and was wondering if anyone had any thoughts/perspective on what this means (if it means anything at all)

After all these many many months of seeing him storm past me, dive through doorways etc at work he actually greeted me a "Good morning" today. I wasnt expecting to see him, much less expecting to actually speak to me and acknowledge me. I simply replied the same and carried on my merry way..... so, why the change in demeanour towards me?

I guess all I can do is see how future interactions change from here on in. This is the rub though - I have zero interest in being a 'friend' nor have any requirement to be a cordial colleague. I would of course always be willing to talk to him if he wanted to apologise, have a proper conversation or was having huge regrets. Navigating reconnection on any scale seems like a very difficult thing to do when you dont know the outcome although I have read these avoidant/MLC types are very very slow and tentative in coming back into your orbit.

OW now following a load of engagement ring type accounts on social media. Perhaps shes turning the pressure screw........

 

[xyzcf]

MLCers are unpredictable. They do not all continue to monster and his saying "Good morning" is just that..he said "good morning" to you. Trying to anticpate what that might or might not mean is impossible.

Your choice how to respond, and that doesn't have to be carved in stone. You can change your mind from one day to the next.

Talking to the MLCer by greeting them doesn't mean that you consider them a friend. What benefit would you get from ignoring him? There are times when we run into them and it can be made comfortable if you have some contact with them...but that is my way of thinking and worked well for me and continues to do so many years later.

But it's totally up to you...what is best for you.

I caution not to read much into his "Good morning" greeting. It's interesting to observe them but there really isn't a set pattern or way to predict whast they will do next.

[Greenacre]

MLCers are unpredictable. They do not all continue to monster and his saying "Good morning" is just that..he said "good morning" to you. Trying to anticpate what that might or might not mean is impossible.

Your choice how to respond, and that doesn't have to be carved in stone. You can change your mind from one day to the next.

Talking to the MLCer by greeting them doesn't mean that you consider them a friend. What benefit would you get from ignoring him? There are times when we run into them and it can be made comfortable if you have some contact with them...but that is my way of thinking and worked well for me and continues to do so many years later.

But it's totally up to you...what is best for you.

I caution not to read much into his "Good morning" greeting. It's interesting to observe them but there really isn't a set pattern or way to predict whast they will do next.

Thankyou and yes you’re right. I guess it just shocked me given how absolutely stone cold to the point of diving through doorways at the sight of me or storming past with an angry face he has been thoughout this whole time. I guess I’m just left wondering “what’s changed?”

Sounds silly but  I still love this man and hope for his reflection/regret despite his utterly awful behaviour and running off head first with someone young enough to be his daughter.

I will just continue to show up as my authentic self. The rest is up to him I guess

[xyzcf]

It doesn't sound silly that you still love him. He changed suddenly and drastically without warning...I have never stopped loving my husband and it's been over 15 years since BD.

I will just continue to show up as my authentic self. The rest is up to him I guess

This is key to me...I did not have a MLC, he did...his crisis changed me in many ways, but I wish to remain who I am in my inner self. I believe that MLC is a major crisis of mammoth proportions that has far reaching implications. Because I continue to have contact with him, I have been able to "see" this person who is so different from the man I was married to for 32 years.

Married to for 32 years...I don't see how you just wipe that away....and ...because it has been good for our family to be able to spend time together, I have and continued to do so....even to the point of spending vacation time together with our daughter.

No one gets to tell you how to treat him...that is your decision and yours alone.  Contact comes with a cost (it is difficult for sure) but so does no contact.

What does it cost you to say hello? How would you like to be treated by him if the roles were reversed?

If you understand the theory (read RCR"s articles as she explains this so very well!), then it's easier to accept the strangeness of their behavior.

[UrsaMajor]

After all these many many months of seeing him storm past me, dive through doorways etc at work he actually greeted me a "Good morning" today. I wasnt expecting to see him, much less expecting to actually speak to me and acknowledge me. I simply replied the same and carried on my merry way..... so, why the change in demeanour towards me?

You are going to receive a famous UM'ism here..... Trying to figure out why he said "Good Morning" today is like trying to taste green.... with your elbow......

Who knows why and, more importantly, why does it matter? Was it a one-off? Did he wake up on the right side of the bed? Is Schmoopie-Land full of pink cotton candy clouds at the moment of is it Hades and High Water? SO many questions, so few answers. Rather than spending your valuable time and energy trying to decipher the impossible, take it for what it is worth (like XYZ said, "he said 'Good Morning' and that was it") and continue on like a queen. IF (and that is a BIG if at the moment) his actions become consistent, then MAYBE he is beginning to "see the light." ... or not.....

OW now following a load of engagement ring type accounts on social media. Perhaps shes turning the pressure screw........

[KayDee]

OW now following a load of engagement ring type accounts on social media. Perhaps shes turning the pressure screw........

She is doing this for public consumption. She wants an audience and you have taken the bait. I know you have said this snooping is educational for you (words to that effect), but honestly, you are on the hook and it is pointless and beneath you.

In the early days, I think it is natural to want it all 'back'. That's why time truly is our friend. We need to move forward out of the dust storm created when our most loved one blew up our lives. In the storm, we feel completely out of control. We cannot see things clearly at all. That's why we all do various things akin to bargaining. It takes quite a while for the dust to settle, but when it does, you can really look at things with clear eyes. At the moment you keep throwing dust in your own eyes  takes a Snoop Break! Learn something new that really is educational 

[Greenacre]

After all these many many months of seeing him storm past me, dive through doorways etc at work he actually greeted me a "Good morning" today. I wasnt expecting to see him, much less expecting to actually speak to me and acknowledge me. I simply replied the same and carried on my merry way..... so, why the change in demeanour towards me?

You are going to receive a famous UM'ism here..... Trying to figure out why he said "Good Morning" today is like trying to taste green.... with your elbow......

Who knows why and, more importantly, why does it matter? Was it a one-off? Did he wake up on the right side of the bed? Is Schmoopie-Land full of pink cotton candy clouds at the moment of is it Hades and High Water? SO many questions, so few answers. Rather than spending your valuable time and energy trying to decipher the impossible, take it for what it is worth (like XYZ said, "he said 'Good Morning' and that was it") and continue on like a queen. IF (and that is a BIG if at the moment) his actions become consistent, then MAYBE he is beginning to "see the light." ... or not.....

OW now following a load of engagement ring type accounts on social media. Perhaps shes turning the pressure screw........

[/quote]

I do love a good UM'ism  Your posts always put a smile on my face.

I know, I know, it sounds a bit pathetic getting so hung up on literally someone saying "Good morning" to me. I guess its just such a stark contrast to the awful avoiding/blanking/running away behaviour that I have had to witness/endure throughout this entire time. It just all left me feeling a little bit "WTF?!?"

This is the first time I've really seen him since the gig at the end of November that I go to every year (he knew I would be there). He turned up with Botox Betty and some of her other 20-something year old friends who had no idea of the music and it all looked rather ridiculous. The minute I walked in there (with my rather fit, tall, male companion) he stared me down so hard he might as well have had laser beams coming out of his eyes. I had been off work since then after managing to break a bone and have only just made it back this week.

In terms of carrying on like a Queen, I can 100% attest that that is happening. Post Grad Masters is going swimmingly and will be finished in the Summer, huge promotion and payrise incoming, making great strides at work in what is a fairly rare/groundbreaking role here, and of course, I got ultra fit, slim, huge glow up and generally 'glowing' all over to the point that all our mutual friends and colleagues are commenting on it all - smug, smug smiles here.

Fair enough, I think I fuelled a lot of those changes with 'spite' in the early days, however, I've maintained all the changes and actually feel great for them. 

[Greenacre]

It doesn't sound silly that you still love him. He changed suddenly and drastically without warning...I have never stopped loving my husband and it's been over 15 years since BD.

I will just continue to show up as my authentic self. The rest is up to him I guess

This is key to me...I did not have a MLC, he did...his crisis changed me in many ways, but I wish to remain who I am in my inner self. I believe that MLC is a major crisis of mammoth proportions that has far reaching implications. Because I continue to have contact with him, I have been able to "see" this person who is so different from the man I was married to for 32 years.

Married to for 32 years...I don't see how you just wipe that away....and ...because it has been good for our family to be able to spend time together, I have and continued to do so....even to the point of spending vacation time together with our daughter.

No one gets to tell you how to treat him...that is your decision and yours alone.  Contact comes with a cost (it is difficult for sure) but so does no contact.

What does it cost you to say hello? How would you like to be treated by him if the roles were reversed?

If you understand the theory (read RCR"s articles as she explains this so very well!), then it's easier to accept the strangeness of their behavior.

I guess in terms of contact I have just tried to mirror his behaviour. He made it perfectly clear he was 'happy' to not speak to me, not engage with me and just erase me out of his life  - that said, his behaviours of storming past looking angry or diving through the nearest doorway at the mere sight of me had me thinking he is perhaps not quite indicative of someone who is indifferent so its been a little confusing. When I say I 'mirror' his behaviour, I dont mean I do the things he does, I just mean I walk calmly by and dont speak to him - why keep trying to speak wih someone who isn't reciprocating? Its been very hurtful and very difficult at times but I am proud of how I've been able to carry on like this and have got stronger with it over time.

The acknowledgement that I even exist the other day was a bit of a curveball I wasn't expecting. That said, I feel I'm in a bit of a difficult position. I have zero interest in cultivating a cordial or friendly relationship in the workplace when we have absolutely no reason for professional interaction. I do not want to be friend-zoned, I have enough friends. That said, if he wanted to come and have a proper talk to me, explain things or work things out I would be open to that.

Its hard setting the clear lines in the sand.......I want to keep the crack in the door slightly open but at the same time do not want a 'work friendly' atmosphere and absolve his guilt of blowing up our lives and me pretending I am fine with it all when I am not .