[Greenacre]

OW now following a load of engagement ring type accounts on social media. Perhaps shes turning the pressure screw........

She is doing this for public consumption. She wants an audience and you have taken the bait. I know you have said this snooping is educational for you (words to that effect), but honestly, you are on the hook and it is pointless and beneath you.

I know you're right. Its hard not to give into the temptation to look and try to piece together what is going on. I also know that whatever narrative of this I come up with in my brain may or may not be accurate whatsoever. Maybe they are head over heels and about to ride off into the sunset and do everything, maybe she's living up to her 'psycho' reputation and is indeed a massive bunny boiler? I guess no one can know that only them.  I just find her behaviour strange with all the blocking and unblocking as well as the performative posts - especially when I have never met, interacted with, or spoken to this 'woman' either in real life or online.

Time for a detox from their crazy train I think. Its not serving me anything and I guess if they are going to blow up it will happen whether I am watching or not.

[FaithWalker]

Maybe it was because you were off work for 3 weeks, he didn't have you to stomp by for 3 whole weeks. 

I used to follow Social Media posts of MLCer and women he may or may not have been involved in and would then block them so that I could later unblock them and peek again.  Realized it was just pain shopping and was able to give up that particular past-time and was much better for it.

[UrsaMajor]

In terms of carrying on like a Queen, I can 100% attest that that is happening. Post Grad Masters is going swimmingly and will be finished in the Summer, huge promotion and payrise incoming, making great strides at work in what is a fairly rare/groundbreaking role here, and of course, I got ultra fit, slim, huge glow up and generally 'glowing' all over to the point that all our mutual friends and colleagues are commenting on it all - smug, smug smiles here.

Fair enough, I think I fuelled a lot of those changes with 'spite' in the early days, however, I've maintained all the changes and actually feel great for them.

So, let me count these up here....

1) You are NOT sitting at home in your rocking chair in a huge pile of snotty Kleenexes crocheting lace doilies and pining away for your wayward Mid-Lifer?
HOW DARE YOU GO AND GET A LIFE! 20 Lashes with a wet noodle for you!

2) You went to a gig with a "rather fit, tall male companion" that he also attended with his playdate and her gum-chewing 20's crew and he saw you? (See #1 above and add about 9 gallons of Habanero-laced jealousy sauce that he chugged with his beer to it).
Not only have your gotten a life but you are being found "ATTRACTIVE" by someone else AND were in said company... in public.... .... (that "thud" you heard was not only his jaw hitting the floor but also the rope hitting dock as you dropped it and sailed off into the sunset while he is still trying to fight his way out of a fishing net... or a paper bag...)
Up that to 40 lashes with a Wet Noodle.....

3) You are in the process of achieving your dream of further education and a new career goal and him? Oh yeah, he's still playing in the sandbox with the other children.... and when he is reminded that you are doing just fine without his constant .... guidance? attention? support?  whatever it was that he felt he was providing, he starts stomping around, ducking through doorways and generally throwing his toys out of the pram....

Do I have that right?

As far as OW and her ring obsession on FakeBook....... (Another UM-ism is inbound)

You: "Doctor, it REALLY hurts when I stab myself in the nose with this Barbeque fork..... "
Doc: "Well then how about if you try STOP STABBING YOURSELF IN THE NOSE WITH THE BARBEQUE FORK?!?"

[Greenacre]

Do I have that right?

Yup! The post grad study thing started a few months before he left. It’s a 3 year Masters Degree. It’s nearly finished, I have the role at the end of it guaranteed and a rather nice hefty pay rise coming.

I lost about 13kgs of weight just down to pure stress and not eating at BD but 18 months of have maintained it but got lean and fit through the gym. Another odd thing is the hormonal acne breakouts I used to get when we were together have all but disappeared - I don’t know what the heck that is all about?

I know people say don’t do the “pick me” dance but honestly ticking off these things that were (mostly) fuelled by spite on my behalf have helped immensely - maybe that’s why I am so terrifying to him (as a 45 year old high flying surgeon) that he feels the need to jump through doorways or whip out his phone to pretend to take calls whenever he sees me…..

The other day was the first time I’ve seen him since the whole gig situation hence why I found it really really odd he would then choose to greet me with a “good morning” after behaving like a complete firetruckwit for the past 18 months.

[Greenacre]

I’m having a huge huge dip today.
From finally avoiding me like the plague last week and finally acknowledging I exist, we had another passing where he was basically eyeballing me at work. I thought progress might be happening……

Today……stormed past again at rapid speed. Is this cycling? What on earth is going on and how do I navigate this from here? I am SO SO tired of all this avoidance. I have kept it up for so long and tried to stay so strong. To the outside world my life is going up up up and up. I feel like an utter fake.

I honestly feel like his MLC and awful behaviour is sending them into one?

I was so lost, distraught and filled with anxiety. I’ve shed two stone, got absolutely gym obssessed, feel so withdrawn from the rest of life. I feel like an utter failure and throwing myself into all this stuff and seriously contemplating going the solo IVF route as I am approaching 40 so I can have a baby.

I HATE what he has done to me 😢

So sorry for the pity party. I am really struggling big time.

[forthetrees]

Sending cyber hugs. I see that you are in pain and wish there were a way to alleviate it. I don´t have an answer; can only offer that I hear you and hope that it´s a passing melancholy.

[Greenacre]

Sending cyber hugs. I see that you are in pain and wish there were a way to alleviate it. I don´t have an answer; can only offer that I hear you and hope that it´s a passing melancholy.

Thankyou 

People talk about ‘the rollercoaster’ and by god it’s true.

I honestly feel there is something wrong with me that I feel so upset over this after so much time. The old me would never have hung onto someone like this.

To the outside world I am apparently ‘fabulous’ Huge weight loss, got fit, glowing, look happy, massive promotion…….yes all of those things do help and I am so grateful I have used these things to keep me going but I still can’t drm to get over the hump of missing out on home, marriage, family. I feel utterly stuck, robbed and the man who I called my best friend can’t even look at me and I don’t know why.

[UrsaMajor]

Good Morning,

I feel utterly stuck, robbed and the man who I called my best friend can’t even look at me and I don’t know why.

There is a 50/50 chance (or worse) that you will find out the "why" of it from him. That usually only happens once the Mid-Lifer has pulled their head out of their .... fog... and is seriously trying to make amends or reconnect/reconcile. If one looks at the anecdotal evidence here, that is usually NOT the case (that the MLC'er does the work they need to do to come out of the tunnel while the LBS is still willing to entertain the idea of reconciling), so it isn't a useful way to expend energy trying to understand or figure out the "why" of it. It is their own crisis due to their own issues and trying to make sense out of it is like trying to taste green with your elbow.

The work that YOU have done (getting fit, getting the promotion) is all well and good but, again, those are, in part, EXTERNAL sources of joy. How YOU feel about getting fit and getting the promotion is what matters. Knowing that YOU are the one that did it, that YOU worked your rear end off (possibly literally in the case of getting fit) and succeeded on your own merits, being content/happy in yourself with your achievements rather than feeling like it is all a fake (FWIW, my personal view is that this "feeling like a fake" is the crux of the work that you are being called to do because, hey, you GOT the promotion, you DID go and get fit, what is "fake" about that?) is the key because when we start being content in our own right, when we can live like they are not coming back without reservation (that does NOT man that we won't miss what we had but it no longer dominates/controls our mood) and when we can look at ourselves int eh mirror and say, "Self, that was a pretty freaking good job, I am proud of you!" then we are on our way towards true healing....

As for his actions/reactions... In the immortal words of Pink Floyd, "All in all, it is just another brick in the wall...."  The key is to decouple YOUR emotional well-being from his emotional rollercoaster/tornado..... He runs away? So what? He storms past? So what? He eyeballs you? "Hey Buckwheat, this is what you gave up. Eat your heart out baby." and walk on like the queen you are. He says "Hello?" Respond equivocally just like you would with any other Tom, Richard, or Harry that said "Hello."

Because HIS emotional state is nothing more than....

[OffRoad]

A lot of the problem, imo, is "don't know why". My goodness if I could have just had a why of any sort, even a stupid one, I'd have had something to work with. But when you have no idea, you second guess yourself ( for no valid reason), think you  did something wrong(usually not), wonder if you missed something (nope), etc.

But you didn't break him and you cannot fix him. What is worse, you are doing just fine and he's an internal mess so he can't face you, not because of you but because of him.

What is happening for you is you are cycling. That's OK, grief is not always linear and can come back and haunt you you, especially if you cannot completely disconnect to heal. What happens if you scrape your knuckle, then three weeks later you scrape the same knuckle? It has to start the healing process all over again. This is like that. Maybe you get better and only scrape it a little the third time, but it's still a scrape. That you are constantly exposed makes it extra hard.

Be kind to yourself. Feel how you feel and allow it to pass. You are doing great but that doesn't mean you can't be sad over what was lost.  Big hugs.

[KayDee]

If you keep purely observational - he is inconsistent in his 'interactions' with you, even in the absence of any real input from you. And that says it all really.

I'm currently having to deal with a colleague who is highly controlling and increasingly difficult. She was a sort of friendly colleague, but gradually she became more and more demanding of my time - to the point that I couldn't give her the attention she seemed to want. The reason I mention this is because she does a very similar hot and cold with me. Sometimes in the form of carrot and stick. And mostly in the absence of me having done anything at all. So, IMO, it's a kind of game. You can chose not to play.