A number of us know that restless feeling of seeking answers and the relentless deluge of questions in your head.
And tbh the feeling that goes with it of being unheard, unseen and silenced when this is, after all, your own life.
I am so very sorry.
What I can say with some degree of confidence is three things:
- the answers you are seeking will not come from your husband bc he is no longer a reliable source of information with good intent
- it takes time, longer than we wish, but you will eventually look at a growing stack of observable facts and decide on what you believe those answers are. Or as close to the truth of it as you feel you can get.
- by the time your future xh provides any useful answers that are worth listening to - if that ever happens - you will be past the stage where what he says matters so much.
So, it's possible for a 34 year old to have a midlife crisis? But, how do I find out if it's MLC or if it's just me?
Yes, it’s possible if we accept that we use MLC as a shorthand for a big psychological fracture where someone takes a flamethrower to their life, without empathy for anyone else affected, and bets it all on a new magic happy fix. What we usually see here is a couple of things that go along with that…..they have a history (when you can look more objectively at it) of poor adult coping skills when life is tough, usually outsourced that to the LBS and tend to be avoidant by nature…..and once the new magic happy settles into a groove and long after you are no longer present in their lives, these folks tend to attract chaos, drama and poor decisions like flies in a cowshed. 34, 44 or 54 makes no difference….it’s more about what has built up a head of steam in them and how they deal with that (or don’t)
Or it’s about character, about who they really are that perhaps we did not see so clearly or excused in the past. And how bits of their character are amplified by choices they make, and how they deal with the effects of that.
Or it’s the limerence and attention comes with an affair, and a new start with a new person who doesn’t know you so well. Yet.
Sometimes, maybe often tbh, it’s a bit of all three.
The one thing it isn’t caused by is you. Or your children.
Nothing you did or did not do, nothing you are or are not, causes someone else’s MLC.
Nothing you did or did not do, nothing you are or are not, creates someone else’s character.
Nothing you did or did not do, nothing you are or are not, forces someone else to choose to have an affair and leave.
Even if we are very smart, that level of influence and control over someone else is just beyond our pay grade. And if it were, I don’t think you would have created any of these three options, would you?
That’s going to feel a bit counter-intuitive right now bc what has happened feels so personal. But it really says very little about you and quite a lot about him, regardless of whether the root cause is MLC, character, the fantasy escape of an affair. Or an allergy to cheese lol.
This is about who he is not about who you or your kids are.
And time and a little space will show you answers to many of the questions buzzing around in your head right now. And as they unfold, you can decide how you feel about those answers.
Right now though, this is an adult man who betrayed a pregnant wife and his small child. Who felt it was ok - or ok enough - to wreak havoc in your lives as long as he got what he wanted. Or didn’t care if he did. Who wanted to abort your daughter’s life before she even began bc her existence was inconvenient to him.
That’s not a good human. Or a good father. That’s a weak, entitled, self-centred prick to be kept at arms length as much as you can. I don’t know if he was always this kind of man, but he has allowed himself to become this and this is what he is now. And you should treat him accordingly imho. If that changes, if he changes, if it is MLC, you’ll see him change. But based on stories here, the few that do tend not to do so for years, so you might as well get on with your life essentially as if the husband you loved died. I am very very sorry bc grieving your losses and rebuilding a different life takes some time and energy too, but we are all here to tell you that there can be a good life on the other side of this. That you are still young, that you have your precious babies, and that it will get better.
And tbh, based on the observable facts, the same is true for OW. She could be the most externally beautiful woman in the world (although I have to remind you that plenty of famous beautiful women get cheated on too…and I’m sure it is probably not Beyoncé lol)….but what she factually also is is a woman who thinks it’s ok to sleep with a married man with a small child and a oregnant wife, a woman who if I understood you right told you what you h didn’t but also lied about ‘closing the door’. That means she is a standard ow type.,.either delusionally stupid or staggeringly self centred. Or both. She’s nothing special and all she has won really is a proven adulterer capable of betraying his own family. Play $h!te games, win $h!te prizes. It’s normal that it doesn’t feel like that right now, I know, but with time that will be easier to see. Right now, you probably feel like both of them have ‘won’ everything and you have ‘lost’ everything. But tbh your h as he is now is far from a prize - would you want a man who could behave like that if he wasn’t already your husband? Could you do what she did to another woman and two small kids? Probably not, I’d guess. And these ow types are not Mary Poppins hausfrau types - even one’s own kids can be annoying and exhausting, and small kids around full time does tend to take the edge of any romance, right?
But I imagine right now life feels very hard and rather lonely. I’m so sorry.
Reading about your fear of losing your children? And how much self-doubt you are struggling with? While of course doing all the adult stuff of parenting and life? I don’t know if how you feel feels like a ‘normal’ version of you? What I do know is that a lot of LBS who had never experienced anxiety, deoression or existential doubt before this experience found themselves dealing with these things after it. Tbh that kind of Fear - fear with a capital F rather than normal fear about bad things happening - is a pretty common side effect of trauma. It’s what our brains and nervous system is hard wired to do to keep us safe but, after a big trauma or a long drip drip one, it can get a bit stuck on a loop. And that loop can make life harder. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? And one who understands the effect of trauma? If not, I’d encourage you to do that. You won’t have to do it forever, but imho it’s a bit like needing a knee brace when you’ve damaged your knee. It can help you heal and it can help you deal with the challenges of normal life while you heal.
And we are always here to offer you a chair, a hug and a bit of encouragement as you do. Bc we get it. Bc we’ve been where you are and felt what you feel and thought what you think and been afraid of similar things and doubted ourselves in just the same way.
Some of us are still there. Some of us are on the other side.
So there’s not a single thing you could post that we will judge you poorly or think you are silly or that you are responsible for your h’s behaviour.
All of us care about you and your little ones having a good happy safe life with more rainbows than rain. Other people showed up for us, and often had to remind us of some of the same basic uncomfortable realities of this experience bc it’s easier to see more clearly from the cheap seats and calling something that quacks a probable duck can help you start to figure out your own wood for the trees as we all struggle with that initially , so now we can pay it back by showing up for you. And in time - although it might seem unimaginable right now - if you choose, you will be able to show up for others too.
How can we best support you right now, Peg?
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Please, help me…