[Maintainhope]

Been married 23 years. Two kids in college. Have had a great marriage, we are best friends. He's always told me I'm his rock, the love of his life, soulmate, true love, his forever one. We've always been so in sync and truly one for so long. We lost a baby in stillbirth our first year of marriage. We pulled together and grew closer. We never really even argued until the kids hit the teen years. We get along great. We had a very active sex life until about 3 years ago and due to some health concerns and lack of communication about hormones etc intimacy faded. I regret not pushing for that more. I didn't want him to feel bad so I tried to show love in other ways.
Out of the blue a few months ago, he said that he loved me but was no longer in love with me. He travels all the time for work and hobbies. He's working out much more and losing weight, he wants to move away. He claims there's no one else but that he wants to be by himself, and his personality has drastically changed. Some days he's the man I married and other days he is cold, distant and checked out. He's no longer wearing his ring, sleeps downstairs and thinks he wants to leave. He's distant with the kids too where he used to show up for everything. He said he's felt this way for awhile and never said anything. He's taken numerous trips over the last few months. Spending money but the complaining about debt. It's like a switch flipped one day and he's got two personalities. I really miss the man I love so much.  He's going to a counselor but doesn't want to go to couples counseling because he said it won't help. He's 50 and acting very selfish, self absorbed, wanting to have fun and do social things. At first I was blindsided and wanted to remind him of what we've built together and that are true loves, but now I'm still walking around hurt but trying to focus on the kids, staying busy and being as kind as I can while I give him space to figure out why he's so lost. Any help is appreciated.

[Biscuit]

So sorry to hear what you've been going through. I'm sure someone wiser than me and with better words will pop along to your thread soon and give you better advice then I can. But yes, this sounds like textbook MLC, I went through very similar with my W a couple of years back.
What I wished I'd done is listen more to the sage advice on this board, and less to my heart - because the folks here know what they are talking about. Your life as it was is changed forever from here on in. What will happen from now on is going to be a massive switcheroo from where you thought and expected your life with your spouse was heading. Some of these folks in crisis find their way through, and return to being not far off the person they were when they entered, some come through radically changed and some get stuck in one of the "stages" of the crisis and never really resolve their issues. But all of these outcomes take a very long time to come about - like an impossibly long time to imagine right at the beginning. We're talking years, not months.
The reasons for someone entering an MLC are varied, as are the ways they handle it. And the lengths of time that a person can spend in this vary massively too - but none are short, unfortunately. They need this time to process the sh!tstorm going on in their head - which is probably much the same as the storm in your head right now - times about a 100 and probably with a load of other crap they've held in for a few years/decades/lifetime thrown in for good measure.

The advise always offered here is to concentrate on yourself, which for many of us here is counterintuitive as we've often been the one holding things together for the family.  And initially, try and read up all of the info here and take it in, at least to try and get some kind of handle on what is going on. You won't be able to fully understand all of this straight away, it's a hell of a lot, in fact much of what these folks do is beyond reasoning and understanding, but having some knowledge of it will help at the beginning.

And, no mattter what, you've found the best place for information and support around this - the people here are amazing - whatever your going through someone here will have faced the same for sure, probably with some additional wtf peppered over it for extra spice.

We've got your back, ask away, and someone here will help.

B x

Edited to remove name of thread holder

[Evermore]

Hello

I'm so sorry you're here. Your story is very similar to mine. I had a marriage that sounds just like yours and I was also completely floored when my xH changed overnight. So I know how incredibly shocking and unreal it all feels. I still feel that WTF shock even nearly 6 years later (I'm sorry to say) so can really empathise with how you're feeling right now. It definitely fades but it takes a very long time for most of us.

Biscuit is spot on when he says the reasons someone enters MLC are many and varied. You are bound to want to know WHY and will likely (like the rest of us) be on a constant search for answers for quite a bit yet. Biscuit is also right when he advised that focusing on yourself right now feels hard and the wrong thing to do but is the absolutely best thing you can do. Please be kind to yourself right now though when that is often impossible.

I am loathe to say this, but it might be better for you to be prepared. It is quite likely that there is another persons in the mix now, despite his claim there isn't. Again I am so sorry.   

Look after yourself and your kids. Try to sleep and make sure to eat. Be gentle with yourself. It's likely to get worse before it gets better. Keep posting, someone will always listen.

[Maintainhope]

Thank you both so much. I'm glad I stumbled upon this forum. I've felt very alone in this. It feels like something from a movie instead of my life. Our marriage was always the steady in my life, what I thought I could always count on. Our anniversary was a few weeks before he dropped the bomb on me. In his words and actions on our anniversary he told me the same things he's always said..he can't imagine a life without me, he's so in love with me, I'm his person forever, etc. Then 2 weeks later he blindsided me with distant and cold behavior and saying he loved me but was losing his feelings for me. He wasn't sure what he wanted but that he might want to move half way across the country for work...alone! I thought it was a cruel joke. I don't know of anyone who has been through this, so it's pretty humiliating to feel so unwanted suddenly. I feel like a dog that has been kicked to the curb without any reason. He's very guarded with his phone and changed passwords. He travels a lot for work. So, it's hard to know what he's really doing. He swears there's no one else. That he just wants alone time?!

[Evermore]

It's not you he doesn't want anymore. It's his 'old life'.

Of course we can never know exactly how someone else is thinking/feeling. But here are my thoughts on what your H might have been thinking/feeling: For whatever reason (and there will be several contributing factors, none of which were caused by you) he has found himself feeling very unsatisfied with himself and his life. At a certain point for many of us life gets bloody hard. Finances might get hard. Kids are leaving/staying/growing up; they don't need us anymore or they're disrespectful and rude as they differentiate from us. Job is stressful; maybe we're under-performing and know it but don't acknowledge it to ourselves. Health issues start appearing; sex life has faded. Life feels monotonous and sluggish and boring. But at the same time very frantic and stressful and like it's speeding by; like there's no time to enjoy all the things that you've worked so hard for, and deserve damn it! And it's all just bloody exhausting! And suffocating! And surely THIS ISN'T ALL THERE IS?!!

It's likely that these feelings built up in him very gradually. He will probably have been having thoughts about chucking it all and running away and starting a whole new life. Because fixing THIS life feels IMPOSSIBLE. Those thoughts probably terrified him at first. But then they became more normalised as time went on. And then unacknowledged anger and resentment started to build. "I've tried travelling, working out, socialising more, hobbies etc etc and nothing has worked!!" That's when it is common for some people to look at their spouse and think 'well it must be them, that's why I'm unhappy!'. They start dreaming of a 'new life'. And whilst that at first is terrifying to them, as time goes on it becomes more and more of an enticing fantasy. Because in the fantasy it is all easy and all the stress is magically gone! They will get to be a new exciting person and all the flaws that they know they have but don't want to look at, will be erased all at once!

It's likely that these thoughts were just ticking away under the surface for quite some time. There is no way you could have known this was happening. Because he said nothing. They turn away and don't share any of these feelings; they turn inward. There was NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. None of this is your fault. Notice how all of that up there ^ is about how HE was feeling? That's because that's all he is thinking about: his feelings. Not yours. Not your kids. Not your friends and family. Only thinking about what he has/doesn't have/wants/doesn't want anymore.

Sadly one of those things he probably wants right now is a new person so that he has the courage to leave and get that new life that he thinks he wants/needs/deserves. Because, and again I'm sorry, the hiding of the phone and changing of passwords are both huge red flags pointing to him having started (or being about to start) an affair.

I want to reemphasize (as everyone else will that comes along soon to respond to you): this is not your fault. He is not wanting to leave YOU (even if he says that). He wants to leave his OLD LIFE. You are simply collateral damage. To get his new fantasy life he MUST chuck the old one. And that means chucking you. He needs to justify that to himself and to the world. So he will say horrible things that are just not true. There was nothing you could have done to prevent the thoughts he was having, the words that he will say, and the actions that he will take. The only person you can control in this is you.

I know, as I said, how shocking and unbelievable this all is (I would have bet a trillion dollars that my H wouldn't have done what he did!). So please, whilst you are still in shock you aren't in the right state to make any huge decisions/moves. For now just look after yourself. Don't bother having relationship conversations with him. Try not to react to his actions/words. Take your time in replying to any correspondence with him to give yourself room to think so you are responding, rather than reacting.

Others will be along soon with further advice.

 

[Maintainhope]

I appreciate all the feedback. It gives me a lot to consider and think about. H keeps trying to tell me that there's no one else and this is all about him losing feelings and not sure he can get them back. He said his counselor says that's perfectly normal. The piece I don't get in that is yes, feelings come and go especially after being married so long, but you keep choosing and being intentional in loving the person you vowed to love for better or worse. Both actively have to try. Some years are easier than others. We've never had a rough year until now even with the stillbirth. The loss was hard but we were solid. He hasn't tried and if he was pulling away he gave zero indication. Zero. In both words and actions. Hence why I'm so confused. And his counselor doesn't seem to think how he feels is any big deal or that it's not abnormal, yet doesn't encourage him to explore avenues to figure out why he feels the way he does or to talk it out with me. The fact that my husband seems to so callously want to possibly throw it all away after years of a really great marriage and family life, seems to point more to a MLC than to "lost feelings." But I'm no expert. I just know my husband is acting very different and not level headed like he's always been in the past. I don't want to give up on him. I know he's not himself.

[KayDee]

So sorry - tough times ahead. Biscuit and Evermore give great responses. I want to add that depression is the likely root of this. But not the sort of under the duvet version most people think of. This is the more manic type, where one tries to outrun it. I have come to hold no belief in the idea of 'lost feelings' in a 'normal' sense. If this were a leg, you'd be seeing a doctor, right!? Of course, people change, feelings change, but we all know from our own lived experiences, these tend to morph slowly, and indeed, ebb and flow. Not just die in a space of months. But, yes, this maybe 'normal' for depression, not for a healthy person who has been in a very long-term, loving, supportive and well-functioning relationship. Be wary of taking literally what your H says when he quotes his therapist - this is the version he wants to hear. Perhaps, like many a spouse on this forum, your H is a bit of a people-pleaser? A maladaptive coping method to avoid conflict. But this tends to cause of build up in the people-pleaser of unmet needs and resentment. NOT your fault (and it won't just be with you that he has stored these resentments BTW). This kind of avoidance is also a sign that a person didn't really develop healthy set of coping strategies. Hence the inability to swim with the riptide of midlife. Better to get airlifted out says the crisis person 'see where I land. I imagine it will be nice tropical island, where I will live happily ever after'. This is pretty much his thinking at the moment. He is trying to save himself, using an extreme version of avoidance. Sadly, he is not really able to think of others, only his own survival. Yes, he is selfish and blinkered and yes, there is likely someone cheer-leading him on. Again, sorry.

Time to deploy your Rockness towards yourself. It bodes well for you, you are clearly the emotionally strong one in the outfit. Consider confiding in a couple of close people if you haven't already, ideally non-mutual friends, get some IC, punctuate your week with at least one thing that gets you out of the house doing something absorbing (evening class, pilates, etc). Start to secure your finances too. Most of us here will testify, the crisis person does things we never thought our spouse would do. Practical steps towards this now will help you moving forward. ((((((hugs))))) KD

[UrsaMajor]

Hi

OK, one of the first things that hit me in your note was

Spending money but the complaining about debt.

This tells me that he is, like most Mid-Lifers, going through cash like water over Niagara Falls. I hate to say it but you are now the "responsible" parent and are going to need to take a good hard look at your financial situation. You'll need to track expenses vs. income and potentially figure out was to ensure that your finances (and those of your college-age kids) are secured because he won't be doing it. He will be busy looking for his next Dopamine high ("Add to shopping cart" anyone?)

As Evermore said, the 2nd set of huge red flags were the phone and password changes. People only hide things if there is something to hide..... and as far as him insisting, there is no one else, Me thinks he doth protesteth too much. He might not be doing the mattress mambo with anyone (yet) and, in his mind, that means he is not having an affair, but an emotional affair at the least is VERY highly likely, based on his sneaking around and locking you out of things.

Finally, as with the vast majority of Mid-Lifers, the words coming out of their mouths are simply large amounts of


If you want to know what is really going on, watch the feet (his actions). That will be a much more reliable indicator.....

Having said that, trying to actually understand what is going on in the minds of a Mid-Lifer is like trying to taste green by dipping your elbow in it. - an exercise in futility.

In my signature is a link to "Survival Instructions for Newbies"and I would highly recommend taking a look at the resources listed in the link.

I am sorry to say that, at the beginning stages, you can expect to be whipsawed by an incredible series of WTFiretruck Moments from someone that you would have NEVER thought it possible of..... Well, it IS possible.

UM

[forthetrees]

I am so sorry that you had to find this site. Caution- you are now at the point where if you ask him questions that odds of his answers being a lie are quite high. If I were a bettin´ woman, and I am, I would bet that he is having either an emotional or physical affair- travel, passwords, sleeping elsewhere etc. Instead of spending your time researching the why or male depression, please oh please spend the time learning Radical Acceptance for yourself. As much as you want to help him, he does not want it and will see it as control and pressure. So stop and put all your energy into your well-being- nutrition, sleep, meditation, massage, music, art, exercise, friends. PUT guardrails on your finances. If he does move out, have him sign a paper with the date acknowledging that so that any debt he incurs after that you can show was not with your consent. If you have a joint credit card, get one on your own pronto and try to get off the shared one. They somehow are able to lie straight to your face repeatedly whether it´s a little thing or a huge thing. That will really mess with your mind.

NPR had a great show yesterday about how people can and cannot accept criticism. The expert said that 95% of people think of themselves as self-aware but really only 20% are. The difference between the two is that self-aware people ask What? as in What can I do going forward vs. the non-self-aware who ask Why? as in perseverating about why this happened to them. Whatever it takes, try to kick yourself into What mode instead of wasting energy on the Why and that is the path of Radical Acceptance.

If you shared passwords for bank accounts, think about changing them. Know that if he wipes out a joint account you will have no recourse in the event of a divorce as that portion will not count against him. If you live in a small town with only one good lawyer, do the consult with that person soon so that you have the option of having that person.

This is the $hittiest experience but you will have this forum to reach out to and because it is worldwide there is always someone on-line. I described it as my ex having walked out of the shoes of his life and never looked back. It was brutal. Thanks to the mind-body connection, it can take a huge toll on your health. Disengage with it in terms of trying to fix it and do whatever you need to do for your own health, though I highly recommend giving up alcohol for quite some time and instead find coping mechanisms like exercise, journaling, music and counseling.

[Maintainhope]

I truly appreciate the responses and help trying to navigate my feelings in all of this craziness.
For me, one of the hardest parts to wrap my head around is the lack of his desire to try. That's one of the biggest changes in him. In the past, I could always count on him to never give up. Now it seems like he's quick to throw in the towel. Yet, he acts like to himself he's been trying. Yes, he's still living here but that's the extent of "trying" in my eyes. He's still not engaged in anything. One thing to add about him is that he's able to disconnect himself from things. He told me several years ago about sexual abuse he experienced as a boy over the course of a year. He never told anyone until he told me. He said he suppressed it so he never thought about it. He kissed a coworker years ago when things were great in our marriage but never told me. He said it was a stupid mistake. There's several instances like that. That's hard for me to understand. I am strong in my faith and find myself accountable to God above him. He was strong in his faith but pulled away around the time he said he started to "lose" feelings. He keeps changing the narrative of that timeline and trying to rewrite history now. Now he questions long held beliefs. I don't think his counselor is very helpful or maybe my husband only picks out what he thinks lines up with what he wants to hear? But in his mind, he's just a guy who changed and wants something different from life now. No questioning why, just blaming it on his lost feelings. He is trying to currently convince me he's just changed and there's no midlife crisis. He thinks he's tried in his mind,  but there's no actions of that. I'm disappointed the man I've always loved and counted on is so quick to give up. I don't feel like he's thinking of anyone but him. I have been keeping an eye on finances and get what everyone is saying about that. Most of the big debt is in his name only. I was a stay at home mom for 18 years. We both chose that as the kids grew up. The kids are very upset, angry with him. They may be older and in college but they're still affected. They are both very good, solid people who we are very proud of. I'm trying my hardest to give H space, stay busy and focus on time with my kids before college starts again. H is welcome to join if he wants but we are making plans to do things together with or without him.