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#10: August 12, 2024, 05:23:54 PM
Hello LBSinUSA

Absolutely comment on other posts.  That is how I got to know the class of 2015, 2016 etc. so well.  We were all (and still are) in this together!  I was bummed that I couldn't go and I'm hoping for another one, but a nice group of LBSers met in Tuscany a few years ago and rented a villa together.  They had such a good time!

Xyzcf has been on several meet ups with some LBS groups from here as well.  I've also met her and another LBS'er that doesn't post here any more.  Not saying anyone has to attend a meet-up but it's an option!

This is a family and you have now joined our ranks.
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#11: August 12, 2024, 10:15:07 PM
Journaling again:
Im debating whether to thank MIL before they leave especially for being a good Grandma to S2.  She did pretty much take care of him of the first year or so until she got sick.  While she has become cruel and vindictive towards me I also feel that forgiveness might be better for me long term.  The truth is she doesnt have much time left and when they move, I dont think I will make any attempt to see her again.   it will likely be one of if not our last interaction and regardless of what she says, I will have kept to my own values and morals.  Thoughts on this?  I know its a personal question as to me and my boundaries but I like feedback. 

Hi LBSinUSA. It's completely up to you. I have a weirdly (in the context of being divorced) close relationships with all my in-laws and consider myself very lucky to have been able to maintain those close relationships. To do that I had to forgive them for 'being OK' with what my xH did (they never approved, which he knows, and think he's a fool, but they also love him and want him to be happy, so they accept that it's his life and he gets to choose how he lives it). And I had to forgive them for socialising with OW (they do that for the same reasons, they love xH). I also have a distant but amicable relationship with my xH and even tolerate attending the same family (his family which are just as much my family, ha!  ;D) functions as xH and OW these days. To do this I had to (mostly*) forgive him for what he did and her for being part of it (she soooo knew what she was doing!). For me it was important that I stayed true to the type of person I admire and want to continue to be.

But whilst I have (mostly*) forgiven all of them... all that forgiving has happened inside of me. I show my forgiveness through my actions, not through words. Attending family functions which makes everyone happy (especially our two daughters). Maintaining that distant but amicable relationship with xH. No trash talking about him to our daughters. Maintaining the super close relationship with all my in-laws. Etc etc.

So I think it's up to you whether you verbalise your thanks to your MIL or not. You can forgive her and treat her well without saying the words. Because yes, I think it is better for us in the long term not to hang on to hate/bad feelings towards other people. She doesn't 'win' if you say thank you for caring for S2 when he was a baby. So say it, don't say it, do what feels right to you. Keep true to your chosen morals and values.

(*I say mostly forgive because there's still one part of me that is still furious with, and can't believe the nerve of, the OW (she has no bloody shame that women!!); and also can't quite believe that xH did what he did. It's still so shocking to that part of me even after all these years. That part of me whispers in my ear that I should tell her EXACTLY what I think of her! The sane part of me, which thankfully is the far larger 'in charge' part, strokes the crazy-she-devil part in understanding and thinks no, that's not who I really am. ;D ;D ;D)


PS- Is it odd to feel weird about commenting on other posts here?  Im new to the forum though I feel I am something like a year post BD now.  I dont know if my advice would be good or not or Im qualified to speak on anyone elses issues.  Frankly some of these stories are so gut wrenching and heartbreaking I feel like I have no right to offer advice.

No not odd at all. Hey, I'm pretty much 6 years in and I still don't post as much on other people's stories as I'd like to because I also often don't feel right about offering advice. And I always seem to get tangled up in the words I want to say. Which is quite funny because when I meet people in real life it's hard to shut me up, lol

There are quite a few people here that write really really well and DON'T tangle their words like I do  ::); so often I let them do the heavy lifting of offering the fabulous advice. Instead I offer an ear and empathy. Which is often what I found was what mattered just as much, if not more, than advice. 
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M: 54 (48 @ BD), H: 56 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 25 (19 @ BD), D: 23 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 23 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....
Jun 23: I meet a lovely new man (M).
Jun 24: xH and OW finally buy a block of land
Jul 24: xH proposes to OW... in front of the whole family, just wow...

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#12: August 13, 2024, 12:18:49 AM
Not odd or unhelpful at all to post on others threads. Looking back, one of the most healing things for me was to feel that other people ‘got it’ and I wasn’t crazy, to feel heard I suppose bc I felt so ignored and unseen in RL at the time. Those of us who are a few years out see the patterns but we remember the pain rather than feeling it in quite the same way. Imho there are benefits in both perspectives.

I agree with Ever that you do not need to vocalise your feelings wrt MiL and there is no ‘right’ answer, just what feels most healthy and healing to you. At the same time, I’d suggest that you treat yourself with great kindness this week and accept that how we feel in the moment is not always how we feel longer term. I am sorry for the loss of your aunt, and that’s a loss that sounds as if it has echoes. And then this week other losses are about to get really concrete. That’s a lot, isn’t it? And perhaps a time to not engage over much with people who might not treat you with a bit of reciprocal kindness and grace.

Take care of yourself, my friend
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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#13: August 19, 2024, 08:09:28 PM
Well the big move came and went and now shes out of the house.  I thought she was staying the weekend until my aunts funeral but her uncle and parents packed things up Friday and they were gone.  STBXW didnt even pack anything herself and just had the family move everything one day while she was at work.   I left for my sisters a few days earlier since I didnt want to deal with the stress of seeing them all move.  I planned to come back Monday but she told they were gone on friday night.

So I came back to the house Friday night and was upset for maybe 20 minutes then I calmed down and have felt surprisingly good since.  I think I built up the dread in my head into something worse than it ended up being.  I suspected that would be the case but still didnt know.  I think the relief of having the MLC and her angry MIL away from me has relieved a ton of stress from me and theres a relief Im out of that toxic mess.  As I start to put some distance between living in that situation I think I am going to be impressed how I tolerated it for so long and how I would be insane to ever go back. 

S2 is asleep in the room right now and it feels nice.  Its his first night alone with me as part of the new arrangement.  Hes spent some nights alone with me before when I left the house in February for a month but not like this.   Its nice to let him sleep alone without the helicoptering MIL and STBXW fussing about him being alone in a room.  He was sleeping in his crib in our room since he was born.  Now I have him in my bed while I will sleep in another room.  I think its absurd he hasnt been in his own room yet.  My new place should have that. 

I think the transition for him might be difficult since he's sleeping in a room with MIL and STBXW.  My brief glimpse on FaceTime the other night showed me it was cramped with their bed and his crib. 

Anyways, yesterday was my aunts funeral.  It was nice and I caught up with some cousins I had not seen in a long time.  As I was driving there alone I thought I might get sentimental but I didnt.    I miss my aunt but I am glad she saw S2 a few times before she passed.  She and her husband both lived into their 90s so I was always cognizant that each time I saw them could be the last. 

I committed to a trip to Boston with my cousins while I was there.  It was nice to say "yeah why not?  Theres nothing stopping me, just do it on a weekend I dont have S2."  The independence is refreshing.  I was always a very independent person before and frankly I was even during most of the marriage.  The birth of S2 changed that though and I began to see myself more of as a family person.  We still did trips but a lot more went into it.  Now I can pack up when I want to for the most part and do what I feel like. 

I took S2 to a football game Saturday night and I had to do an exchange with STBXW since it was her weekend. During the exchange I didnt say a word and just put the bag on her car while she got S out of my car.  I met her at a Wal Mart parking lot nearby where she lived.  I dont know if its weird or not but I do not want to see her, her MIL or their new apt.  I keep communication strictly about S and once the information I need to convey has been passed I cease contact. 

My hope is over the next few months, in person contact will be limited and S2 is simply exchanged via the daycare.  I know that wont always be possible but it suits me for now as I attempt to put distance between her and me.  Luckily she helped the cause by stupidly moving 30 minutes away from me and S2's daycare, doctors, soccer classes, swimming lessons etc.  I am pretty sure she is going to throw a stink about that at some point but her job is near the daycare and as long as Im paying for those other things, she doesnt really get a say. 

I figure I am going to get a good look at how she handles 50/50 custody over the next few weeks.  Today she made some excuse to go run back to son's daycare after work so she could get his lunchbox so MIL could make his lunch tomorrow.  I told her it was fine and I could make it.  She relented but then asked to pick him up tomorrow.   I told her no since thats not the schedule.   The schedule is 2-2-3 which essentially means Monday and Tuesday at one parent, Wednesday and Thursday at other parent followed by Friday to Sunday at the Monday/Tuesday parent.  Then it switches each week.  She agreed once again. 

Is it normal for the MLC to become a bit of a helicopter parent at some points?  I see it here and there in some stories generally with MLCW.  But I also see straight abandonment too from some other stories. 

Im off to bed now.  My pugs are snoring up a storm next to me.  Im grateful to have them though as they love cuddles and now they can lie in bed with me without being shooed off. 

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#14: August 20, 2024, 05:53:21 PM
Sounds like you are adjusting fairly well Lusa,

Good for you for sticking to the arrangement of S2 parenting time!

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#15: September 01, 2024, 08:46:51 AM
Journaling Update:

Im over two weeks into the move and I feel relatively good.  It does get lonely but the stress of not seeing or dealing the MLC or MIL seems to have paid dividends.   My living situation is not clear yet.  The place I want to move has not sent me an approval and the move in is in a week.  I submitted all the paperwork they asked for but they still havent said anything.  The place where I lived now offered me a unit across the street too.  Its a townhome like I have and its the same price as I am paying now but the move in is in two months and Id I wouldnt have a master bedroom really for my king size bed.  I would have my own little private courtyard for S2 and my pugs.

I am torn between this.  The convenience of an easier move is tempting since its only across the street and its a townhome and not an apartment.  However the other place has a master bedroom and a garage.  It would also be a fresh start.  I dont know if Im that sentimental and that part is important.  The schools are better by the new place but S2 doesnt even start Kindergartern for another 3 years so its not like its a huge issue right now.  I figure to make a decision in the coming days.  Im leaning towards a brand new start.

Yesterday I took a day trip to watch a college football game with my friend in another part of the state I live.  It was 5 hours to get there and 5 hours to come back.  My friends mom watched the furry friends.  He asked me Friday if I would go.  I told him yes and was glad I did.   It was nice to do a spontaneous trip like that again and do it for something I used to love (college football).  Once my son came along and even before, I generally became less interested in  sports in general and started focusing on family things.

Last weekend was my first weekend with S2 under the new arrangement.  We had a blast and I took him to dinner a couple of times.  My sister took us to lunch and dinner on Saturday and we spent the day at a mall and at swimming lessons.  He is sleeping very well on his own right now and Im grateful he will have his own room soon. 

STBXW appears to be testing boundaries on the custody issue.  She asked to pick him up a day earlier on Sunday as opposed to picking him up from the daycare on Monday.  I told her no we stick to the schedule.  She also texted me some lecturing email about how I have to pay attention to S2 and relay information as to S2 being sick and what not.  S2 had a little cough in the mornings but they went away within 10 mins of wake up and by the time I dropped him off Monday at the daycare I didnt hear anything.  She sent me a very detailed message about all the precautions I needed to take if he was sick and communicate better with her.  I took her message as an attempt at some form of control and let her know that S2 was sleeping fine and having a cough in the morning that went away after a day or two was not a five alarm fire.  I also explained while she might disagree with my parenting methods, she was going to have to learn to accept I would never put S2 in danger and would relay important information.  Her and MIL have been very helicoptery over S2 since he was born and think any time he has a cough it means he must kept in bubble wrap for a week.  My approach is that hes a toddler and these things will happen so its best not stress unless a fever appears or the cough lasts longer than 10 minutes.

She also sent me a text Wednesday night with a long-winded explanation about how much S2 was her soul and how much she was going to miss him.  S2 was just spending with W-F with me per the 50/50 agreement so I found it odd shed text me that. My sense is that she has deep guilt and shame for doing what shes done to S2's family and shes attempting to suppress those feelings by saying how much she cares and loves him as if her selfish, destructive behavior can be explained better if she just says she loves S2 a lot.  I didnt respond to it. 

She does FaceTime him every night and I make sure she can do that. I dont FaceTime S2 too much when she has him.  The few times I do, he seems to smile for maybe a minute then puts the phone down and goes and does something else since hes a two year old.  Its just seems pointless if he cant communicate with me in a meaningful way and has the attention span of well a toddler.  I am sure I will do it once he gets older. 

That about does it.  I need my living situation fixed and hopefully that will come soon.  Thanks for all the feedback and advice. I promise I will learn to quote block soon. 

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#16: September 02, 2024, 11:17:06 PM
Good job sticking to the parenting schedule again. You are sounding good. Hope the living situation clears up soon.
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#17: September 03, 2024, 12:17:30 AM
I agree…well done on sticking to the schedule, resisting her attempt to bait you and ignoring the she has a sadz text. Particularly given that her and MiL have a history of helicoptering, I suspect this won’t be the last time she tries to control how you look after your son on your 50% so good to start early as you mean to go on. Your son is small, and there may well be future times when you show some flexibility in certain circumstances about late pick ups or life events, but much easier to do that if you wish against a working schedule.

Funny how often these folks get a sadz (or a rage) about the entirely predictable effects of their own choices, isn’t it? Bc it is entirely predictable that if you leave your h when your child is small, you are probably going to lose 50% of your time with your child and that a whole bunch of things will need to work differently. I think we LBS often think they have a big cunning plan but it’s pretty common as the reality tyres hit the road to see that they have not thought it through much at all lol. But glad you can see that it is no longer your job to clean up any mess she makes in her own aisle.

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« Last Edit: September 03, 2024, 12:21:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#18: September 15, 2024, 08:33:31 PM
Journaling Update:

Its been a month now since STBXW left and I feel surprisingly....good?  Being alone again, it feels somewhat odd but at the same time Im really not far removed from when I lived alone and took care of myself.   So its kind of like going back into familiar territory if that makes sense.  The weekends have been great and I no longer dread coming home.   I think the lifting of that dread and the constant egg-shell walking I was doing between MLC and her MIL really was draining me.   I understand there are ups and downs in this process but by being alone I think I am going to be in a much better place to tackle those issues as they arise.

I ended up opting to stay in the same development and just move across the street to another townhome.  I dont have the master bedroom I would have preferred but they cut me a deal to stay and even waived a month of rent for me.   My son gets to stay in the same neighborhood he likes and I have my own little private courtyard for him and the dogs.  Its also a nicer community.  I wanted a whole change but the other place was incompetent about getting my dogs approved and demanded more money in a security deposit the day before move in.  I told them No and just opted for the easier move.  I have to stay in the current unit for another two months but whatever.  With MLC and MIL gone, its far more tolerable.

STBXW was surprised I stayed.  She thought I was moving into the other area for sons school but thats not something Im worried about for at least 3 more years.  While I wanted him in the school system for the other area, I cant even enroll him into anything for another 2 1/2 years.   I figure I can always move if need be.  I think she was surprised I stayed because financially she didnt think I could pull it off.  I feel in her damaged brain she had a sense of joy that by leaving she would also be forcing me to downgrade.   Or that I would sacrifice giving S2 his own room.  Shes got him living in a room with her and MIL.  I just sense shes deeply resentful of me.

She also started doing an odd thing over the last few weeks.   She started texting my sister videos of her activities with S2.  Now this could be because I have not engaged with her really aside from coordinating dates and pick ups for S2.  So she could be looking for someone to show her texts with.  But she hasnt spoken to my sister in almost a year prior to this and was downright rude to her over the holidays when she sulked off in a corner during Christmas and NYE. 

The videos seem to show the gifts her family has been buying S2 which includes stuff like a little bike.  My sister senses STBXW is trying to show that she has family that buys S2 gifts as well.  My sister is very successful and has really progressed in her career over the last couple of years.  This in turn has led her to being the aunt that always treats S2 to different gifts, toys, experiences etc.  On the weekends I have S2, my sister joins us most of the time.  She has really stepped up as an aunt and since she doesnt have kids of her own, shes taken this time as a way to really involve herself in me and S2's activities and for that I am grateful.  Shes the only relative I have left so its nice he will have some family from me. 

Either way shes been polite and cordial in responding to the texts.  I told her for the time being STBXW has a teenager mentality so who knows whats going on.  Her family has been liking my photos and social media as well when I put up stuff of S2.  I am being polite with them as aside from MIL, none of them have done anything wrong to me.

Last week I set up S2 room and he loves it.  I themed it airplanes and space.  So he has an airplane themed comforter for his bed.  He also has a little rocket ship tent with some stuffed animals and books so he can read.  And I got him a little astronaut man projector that projects space onto the ceiling.  He loves it and falls asleep with it on while he tries to count the stars and planets.  I am very glad he has his own room.  He is sleeping very well in there.  The pugs have even decided they prefer his room to mine when hes there. 

Now that I think on it, that is likely a source of resentment for STBXW but whatever.  She chose her path, now go lie down in the consequences.  I do have to see her in person for the first time in a month and Im not looking forward to it.  S2 has a Dr appt to see if he needs speech therapy.  I dont think he does as the guidelines from the CDC and state say he is hitting his milestones and hes very vocal.  But Ill see what they say. 

Theres another appt in a couple months where they are going to see if he needs to go to a county school for kids with learning disabilities or might be on the spectrum.  S2 was originally flagged for not engaging with other kids about 9 months ago.  But since then hes become a little social butterfly.  He runs and greets kids at the daycare now, engages with every kid he sees at the park and at parties will go off and play with the other kids little games like catch and race his cars.  So Ive seen great progress.  But I have a distrust of the county evaluators conducting this test.  Everyone I know who had their kids do the evaluation was recommended the special school fulltime.  Most chose to do individual lessons once or twice a week for a couple hours instead and their kids ended up fine as they felt the fulltime school was a bit overboard. 

But STBXW I can tell is hoping they will recommend he be put in the school. She says its because they have smaller class sizes and will get him to catch up but I think her motives are because the school is free and she sees it as a ticket to get out of child support since by me paying for daycare, I get a credit for child support that actually ends up with her owing me money.   But I look at son and I see that he seems to be progressing well and given that his home life is having so much upheaval, I dont want to pull him from his daycare.  He loves the daycare and I dont want to introduce more instability.   Its a hard question to answer and I will have to see what the evaluators say. 

Thanks all for listening.  I dont know if this is No Contact or Detachment or what but it really works.  Im in a better head space than Ive been in for quite some time. 




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#19: September 28, 2024, 08:08:32 PM
Sounds like a great update

S2's room sounds adorable. 
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

 

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