Journaling again:
Im debating whether to thank MIL before they leave especially for being a good Grandma to S2. She did pretty much take care of him of the first year or so until she got sick. While she has become cruel and vindictive towards me I also feel that forgiveness might be better for me long term. The truth is she doesnt have much time left and when they move, I dont think I will make any attempt to see her again. it will likely be one of if not our last interaction and regardless of what she says, I will have kept to my own values and morals. Thoughts on this? I know its a personal question as to me and my boundaries but I like feedback.
Hi LBSinUSA. It's completely up to you. I have a weirdly (in the context of being divorced) close relationships with all my in-laws and consider myself very lucky to have been able to maintain those close relationships. To do that I had to forgive them for 'being OK' with what my xH did (they never approved, which he knows, and think he's a fool, but they also love him and want him to be happy, so they accept that it's his life and he gets to choose how he lives it). And I had to forgive them for socialising with OW (they do that for the same reasons, they love xH). I also have a distant but amicable relationship with my xH and even tolerate attending the same family (his family which are just as much my family, ha!
) functions as xH and OW these days. To do this I had to (mostly*) forgive him for what he did and her for being part of it (she soooo knew what she was doing!). For me it was important that I stayed true to the type of person I admire and want to continue to be.
But whilst I have (mostly*) forgiven all of them... all that forgiving has happened inside of me. I show my forgiveness through my actions, not through words. Attending family functions which makes everyone happy (especially our two daughters). Maintaining that distant but amicable relationship with xH. No trash talking about him to our daughters. Maintaining the super close relationship with all my in-laws. Etc etc.
So I think it's up to you whether you verbalise your thanks to your MIL or not. You can forgive her and treat her well without saying the words. Because yes, I think it is better for us in the long term not to hang on to hate/bad feelings towards other people. She doesn't 'win' if you say thank you for caring for S2 when he was a baby. So say it, don't say it, do what feels right to you. Keep true to your chosen morals and values.
(*I say mostly forgive because there's still one part of me that is still
furious with, and can't believe the nerve of, the OW (she has no bloody shame that women!!); and also can't quite believe that xH did what he did. It's still so shocking to that part of me even after all these years. That part of me whispers in my ear that I should tell her EXACTLY what I think of her! The sane part of me, which thankfully is the far larger 'in charge' part, strokes the crazy-she-devil part in understanding and thinks no, that's not who I really am.
)
PS- Is it odd to feel weird about commenting on other posts here? Im new to the forum though I feel I am something like a year post BD now. I dont know if my advice would be good or not or Im qualified to speak on anyone elses issues. Frankly some of these stories are so gut wrenching and heartbreaking I feel like I have no right to offer advice.
No not odd at all. Hey, I'm pretty much 6 years in and I still don't post as much on other people's stories as I'd like to because I also often don't feel right about offering advice. And I always seem to get tangled up in the words I want to say. Which is quite funny because when I meet people in real life it's hard to shut me up, lol
There are quite a few people here that write really really well and DON'T tangle their words like I do
; so often I let them do the heavy lifting of offering the fabulous advice. Instead I offer an ear and empathy. Which is often what I found was what mattered just as much, if not more, than advice.