[LBSinUSA]

Journaling:

Long time no update.  I still check in to read here a lot and most of what I read is very informative.   

S3 seems to be doing ok.  His school was pressuring me to get him diagnosed on the spectrum so his insurance could cover ABA therapy from this program they have some tie in with (Im sure its financial as well which makes me nervous).  The problem is that his pediatrician and neurologist have said hes too young and seems to be improving.  Ive told them this and the school wants me to send him for second opinions to other doctors but I told them why do I feel like they want me shopping for a diagnosis?  The medical professionals hes seen have said no.  The only people who have said anything is the county assessment which was just two social workers who made clear they are not doctors.

STBXW is on the same page with all this for now.  Shes made some appts with a psychologist and shes very leery of shopping for a diagnosis.  He has an appt in a few weeks with the neurologist and we will see what they say.

STBXW was all over the place over the holidays.  She messaged me several times about how she missed me and wanted to be with me.  She also messaged my sister about how much she missed me.  I didnt respond to any of this.  She would always qualify whatever she wrote with something about she felt this way in spite of the "problems" we had in the marriage.  Or how living apart  was "the right thing for us."  On New Years Eve she sent an email stating how she still considered me her husband and she hoped we could talk about things and meet halfway.  I dont know how to meet halfway with an insane person.  It still feels like she just wants to make sure her safety net is there.  And no matter how I look at it, if I go back without her taking accountability and thinking that her nonsensical grievances were somewhat legitimate than shes just going to do it again and I dont want that chaos in S3's life. 

Im surprised because some part of me doesnt want to give up.  I can see shes a mess and shes really struggling.  But how do you build a life back with someone you dont trust?  How do you go through a life with someone whos shown they are capable of running out and blowing everything up?  Thats a horrible evil and cannot just be swept under the rug.  I dont see a solution to that in spite of how much I may want it. 

I also think alot of this was brought on by the holidays and STBXW realized the holidays are not fun when your a single mom.  I did not like the holidays either but I can say they were better than last year when she and her mom were monsters towards me.  I did let her come by into the house and S3 showed her his room with the little star projector and his books.  Shes also taking care of one of the dogs in a next week when I have a business trip.

I went to Philadelphia last week on a whim.  I found a cheap flight and nice hotel for a deal and I decided I wanted to see some museums about the American Revolution.  I love history and its nice to be able to go and check these places out when I have the time.  It was cold but Im from a warm weather place so its nice to experience the change.   

Im sure Ill have more updates as the year goes on.