[LC]

Hi,
I don’t post on forums often. So here goes.
My husband got into a deep depression about a week before he dropped the Bomb at the end of April this year. One morning I was getting the kids homeschool lessons ready, he sits down and completely unloads. He was seeing a Counselor. He said my husband needed to talk to me. My husband told me that he only stayed with me for the kids and was waiting until most of them were raised, before making a decision to leave and work on his own problems. He said it wasn't my fault. I didn’t do anything. I’m just not the woman he thought he married. I reminded him that we had already been through something like this 20 years ago. He wanted to leave for someone else. I told him I wouldn’t stop him. Long story short, we reconciled under the conditions the he would get therapy and not to cheat again.
Now it appears it’s happening again. He is moving out next week. Today he told the 3 littlest kids. I think they only get out of it that they will have sleepovers with Dad. I don’t think they understand the concept of him leaving, yet.
For the past to months he has had mood swings. It’s like he is two people. He is desperate to scrape enough money together for 2 households. He is in charge of all the finances and bills. I have been a stay-at-home Homeschooling wife and mother for the past 32 years. We agreed on this arrangement. I set aside a BA in Art and defaulted on my student loans to be there for my family. I have successfully graduated 5 of the kids who excel at their careers and have their own savings. I have so many mixed emotions about how I feel about all of this. I can’t say on here how I feel, because sometimes it’s not very nice.
That’s my story in a nutshell.

LC

[UrsaMajor]

If I count correctly, you have 8 kids in total then? 5 graduated and 3 "littlest?" How many at home still?

In my tag line, there is a link to the "Survival Guide for Newbie." In that there are lots of resources to help you formulate a game plan on how to proceed. Since you have been a SAHM and caregiver, I suspect that he may be in for a REALLY rude awakening when it comes to finances. At the same time, it would be very good for you to get spun up (knowledgeable) about the family finances, your bank accounts, bills, etc.  MLC'ers are not exactly known for being financially responsible people.  It would also be appropriate to get legal advice. You don't have to DO anything about it but having the information in advance will help you in the long run.

You are now the "rock" on which your kids will depend, regardless of whether they are at home or not, as your H is off to the races.

I am sorry that you have had to find us but glad that you did as you have joined a community of people who have gone or are going through very similar things that you have been, are currently, or might end up in the future going through.  Take the advice that suits your situation and discard that which doesn't help.

[LC]

Thank you for replying. We have 8 kids. Four are living at home.
I am currently reading through the Newbie Section. A lawyer consult is the next thing on my list, as well as gathering information on Finances. 

[Baxter1]

So sorry you (and all of us) are here. You found a great place with people who understand. UM has been there and done that. This great place to ask questions,vent, research, whatever to help you through this. I’ve come on this forum many a time in a panic or upset and I always find answers or support. Good luck in this journey

[LC]

This post will be a bit disorganized. I am very upset right now.
This morning after DH went to work, I went into his office/man cave to get photos of most recent bills and such. I think he has a camera, but I don’t know any other way to get copies. He is moving out next week. There was an office camera paired to his phone. I didn’t see any when I used my phone’s camera to look.
Everything looks pretty normal, run-of-mill type stuff. He has a Roth IRA retirement account. I was going over the correspondence from them for May 2 and May 21st 2024.  There was a page listing beneficiaries l on the May 2:
I am listed as the Primary: Spouse, my name
Secondary: oldest DD
Secondary: oldest DS
Secondary: second oldest DD

The May 21st on lists the 3 oldest kids, a woman’s name I don’t , and the 2 youngest. I’m not on there and neither are our other 2 kids. Why is a stranger’s name on there, but I am not listed anywhere?   From her first name, I initially think of someone he works with who has the same last name. I have no way of knowing for sure. I know I am just rambling. I am upset and have no one else to talk to right now.
Common sense tells me I shouldn’t confront him about it and just let him go. I need to get myself in order. My oldest son has offered to help if  I am served papers. I never asked him to😢 I have some pretty decent kids. All the adults are really helping me out, as sometimes I feel overwhelmed with keeping things going here for the youngest ones and creating a new budget and  finding resources to eventually not have to really on DH as much anymore.   Thank you Ursa and Baxter and everyone else for your support and listening to me.
I

[xyzcf]

I am so sorry you are going through this..it is more than heartbreaking.

If you have not already done so, seek your own legal advise.

For your own financial safety, you may need to file for a legal separation or divorce.

Generally, half of the assets belong to you so listing someone else as a beneficiary only matters if he dies. If you get a settlement, all assets will be added up and generally you are entitled to half...what he does with the other assets, is his choice.

Because you have young children, he should also have to pay child support and also alimony payments for your support.

You might also be able to have yourself named as beneficiary on accounts and life insurance policy's, especially unti all the children are of legal age. Also, request that he covers your health insurance costs.

A legal separation allowed me to stay on his work health insurance...when he divorced me 9 years later (by a text message with no explaination) I lost health insurance coverage and it cost me $1200 a month to obtain coverage.

Start making a list of every expense that you and your household have. Haircuts, groceries, taxes...everything for at least 6 months. This can help determine how much money you are entitled to.

He does not have your best interest at heart as evidenced by listing another person as a beneficiary on his IRA....since he has taken that step, it is important that you protect the assets that are rightfully yours. I may not be correct but from what I understand, if he were to die she would received part of his IRA...so dividing things before he dies is extremely important.

I am very pro marriage and have been standing for a very long time.  I was encouraged by my priest to file for a legal separation to protect myself..and he was 100% right. I never thought my husband would not be "fair" and it became very clear that he did not think I was entitled to anything other than half the assets we had both worked for and accumulated over 32 years.

I quit my job 7 times to move for his career and I was not employed when he had his MLC....it's horrible and sickening to have to do this...it is the "business" part of this mess that must be taken care of...your heart and how you feel about marriage doesn't change because you take legal steps to protect yourself.

We are here to support you. Ask many questions for people here have seen it all and will be able to give you some examples of what could happen if you leave things for him to take care of.

I am so sorry.

[forthetrees]

Just looked this up:

Make sure you research your state’s laws before naming your beneficiary. If you are a resident of certain states, you may be required to list your spouse as your primary beneficiary and designate him or her to receive at least 50 percent of the benefit. In some states, you can name someone else with your spouse’s written permission.

It depends on what State you live in.

I am so sorry that you are getting slammed by this.

[Treasur]

I am truly sorry that you need to find yourself here.

One of the awful realities post-BD is the seemingly relentless series of aftershocks from things we find out once we start looking at what’s going on with a different eye. We can’t take away your heartache or some of your fears, but we can encourage you - when in doubt - to trust your own eyes and instincts and act accordingly.

The details can vary but there are some universal LBS truths.
Things will always turn out to be worse than you could have imagined before BD. And to be bigger, longer and more shocking.
Nothing your h says now can be trusted unless it is independently verifiable.
There will be a waterfall of small and big lies and betrayals, bc that’s how big betrayal is built. Some of them will be ridiculous; some will literally be inconceivable to you.
Your h does not currently have anybody else’s interests or needs as a priority, just his own. And perhaps ow if there is one, as seems likely from that document. And in my world, and I hope in yours, the needs of 9 outweigh the needs of 1.

You have been a SAHM caring for 8 kids with a h who runs the joint finances.
That needs to change right now.
Dig out every document you can and take copies, every account, every potential debt, everything that might affect your future security. Go and see a lawyer asap and ask their advice on what you need to find and document and what your next steps should be. Please do not tell your h that you are doing this….to protect the 9, you need to keep your cards close to your chest right now until you and your lawyer are ready to act. You might also want to make sure you have your own bank account, credit cards etc, if you do not have these already, and perhaps start stashing funds away when you can. Again, take legal advice on this. If you have a wise close friend or family member you can trust, ask for help….sometimes a less involved brain can really help, and you may need a safe place out of the house to stash documents or personal valuables.

I am so sorry, but there are plenty of folks here who have been left destitute or homeless or had to file for bankruptcy bc of the actions of their spouse. It probably feels rather surreal and bizarre after such a long marriage, I know. But we are here to tell you that what is happening now is not toast burning but a house fire….and it’s important that you act on that basis now to protect you and your children.

Please see a lawyer asap.

[Nas]

Seconding that you see a lawyer… like yesterday. Please don’t wait.

Only thing I would add is To pull your credit report periodically, and his as well if you can. Make sure no new accounts get opened. If there’s any way you can sign up for a credit alert service, do that, because unfortunately credit reports don’t always get updated in a timely manner and accounts can be opened, maxed out and defaulted on before the report even alerts you to its existence.

I don’t say that to scare you, I say it from experience. It’s unfortunate that our spouses have our Social Security numbers and all of our pertinent information and it’s not like we can just change any of that when they go off the rails. Keep vigilant. You said he’s desperate. Think about the things that you would least expect, and then expect that. Again, not to scare you but better safe than sorry.

[LC]

I took pics with my phone of everything yesterday.  Will those be enough?
I think he found out. He locked our bedroom door and uses our patio door to come and go. His moving day is Tuesday/Wednesday. My 2 oldest know and are helping me.
My oldest DS told me not to worry about money.