[Treasur]

So, i  a nutshell,  I feel that, since it was his choice to leave, it was his responsibility to get his stuff moved out.

Exactly correct. Those are the consequences of his own actions. He is responsible for the results of his actions and for the consequences of those actions.  THe kids are right to not want to deal with his stuff....

Just so. And it’s ok if that’s how YOU feel regardless of anyone else’s opinion about it.

The tricky bit I suspect is that disordered people are rather keen on using what is called ‘flying monkeys’ - people who act indirectly on their behalf to try to control or influence YOUR behaviour. In this case, possibly, your kids. Some ‘flying monkeys’ volunteer for the job, some don’t but see it as the lesser of two evils. And you’re quite right - these kinds of situations test everyone’s’ boundaries. Which of course potentially creates conflict between you and your kids, or between different kids….while often the Great Disordered One skips off whistling 😗

But it can make for some difficult conversations…..

Not easy but a pretty good life skills lesson for the 9 of you. And in my book, the needs of the 9 outweigh the needs of the Disordered One lol.

The only reason I could think for you packing up his stuff (in a throw in a bin bag way as opposed to a wrap in tissue paper way lol) is that it prevents him popping back for 78 ‘one more things’ and gets stuff out from under your feet. You might prefer that to giving him a kind of shopping experience in your house. Lots of LBS here have experienced that, and lots have had their MLCers pop up after five years wanting a tool from the shed. 🙄 my own MLCer ignored my polite emails about stuff (and redirecting his post and signing paperwork and selling the house and….), so after about 6 months, I gave away his piano (which I had bought for him as a gift, ha ha). Two years later he sent a plaintive email about ‘needing’ his piano……

In my PoV, you all need as little drama and chaos as possible now, so do what works best for you and document anything important by email to avoid legal ketfuffles and future mindf**kery. My email to him asking if he wanted the piano resolved his complaint legally in a day!

[LC]

I had heard of the term “flying monkeys”, before. Now I’m getting a better understanding of what that means for my situation.  D32 has been approval seeking with H, ever since he left. She gives him jars of homemade pickles and such. She agrees to do whatever he asks, although she does drag her feet if she realizes the ramifications of what she agreed to, like the furniture.  S14 appears to be susceptible to this as well.   I don’t think D32 & D14 realize the roles they are playing in this, so I don’t react as if they did anything wrong. Later on I might complain here, lol, but I don’t want any of the crazy-making to infiltrate this household.

As for his stuff, I have just been dumping whatever I happen to find in a box in the detached garage, next to the furniture. Hopefully this eliminates the need to pop into the house on his lunch break. 
Good idea emailing him regarding important stuff like property and belongings.

Thank you UM and Treasur for your insight.

[LC]

So yesterday was D11 now 12’s birthday. 
Friend stopped by throughout the afternoon and she visited other friends. She played games with all of her siblings. There will be another party on Saturday for the friends who could make it for her Birthday party.

H came over in the afternoon to work on his furniture in the garage.  Later he came in and packed more stuff out of his office and D32 helped him load his car. Then he went and got hamburgers for D’s birthday dinner and we ate in the living room watching a movie. H ate on a stool near the front door. He avoided eye contact with me the whole time. He didn’t speak to me until I thanked him to dinner. He answered “You’re welcome “, in a higher than normal tone of voice that I know to be a strained politeness when he is aggravated. He gave D12 her gifts and left early, saying he had to go because a lamp was being delivered to his place😲.  D32 gave him another jar of pickles.

My feelings when I saw him:

This is a completely different person.

His eyes looked like he was completely lost.

He seemed 50% normal in his interaction with the kids.

I was a complete stranger to him. Not even polite chit chat.

     I had a good cry later in the evening while the kids played video games.  I thought I had gone through the grief process about our relationship and his not being himself. But it just hit me that he is gone and likely not come ming back.
When a loved one dies, there are condolences.   Family, friends, and loved ones offer comfort. There is closure and then you can commit to doing things in life to honor your loved one, knowing they would approve and be proud of you.  With MLC, there is none of this. 
Sorry if this is depressing. It’s part of the grief and letting go process and who would understand better than you wonderful, kind people.

[Treasur]

Yeah, we get that. Grief is real and hard and pretty up and down in my experience. It is perhaps why some of us, not all but some, find it easier to grieve with less contact and without the equivalent of a h sitting on a stool glowering lol.

I felt much the same tbh. Where were my casseroles and sympathy? 😝

But I hope it helps a little to know that we do get it here.

[LC]

“But I hope it helps a little to know that we do get it here.“
 It does help…

I read a quote this morning. I think it was,
“If you love someone, set them free,
If you hate someone, set them free,
Basically set everyone free,
People are annoying,
Get a dog!”

[Tailspin]

     I had a good cry later in the evening while the kids played video games.  I thought I had gone through the grief process about our relationship and his not being himself. But it just hit me that he is gone and likely not come ming back.
When a loved one dies, there are condolences.   Family, friends, and loved ones offer comfort. There is closure and then you can commit to doing things in life to honor your loved one, knowing they would approve and be proud of you.  With MLC, there is none of this. 
Sorry if this is depressing. It’s part of the grief and letting go process and who would understand better than you wonderful, kind people.

I feel the same exact way.  Just when I think I'm done and cried my last tear something will happen and I go off to shed a few more.  The slow death of my marriage 1 year into this has me constantly upset.  I've learned a bit better to deal with it but the pain is always right below the surface.  I'm so sorry for you in all this. God has a plan for all of us and I really had to come to terms with it.  You are not alone,  We feel your pain.   

[Nas]

I read a quote this morning. I think it was,
“If you love someone, set them free,
If you hate someone, set them free,
Basically set everyone free,
People are annoying,
Get a dog!”

Now there's an inspirational quote I can get behind! 

[Treasur]

I read a quote this morning. I think it was,
“If you love someone, set them free,
If you hate someone, set them free,
Basically set everyone free,
People are annoying,
Get a dog!”

Now there's an inspirational quote I can get behind! 

I like it too.
But Gracie the little grey diva here has asked me to remind you that Cats are also available and, in her opinion, even better 😜

[LC]

Tailspin,
Yes I agree.  God does indeed have a plan for everyone in our particular situation.  Our experience will enable us to help others, because we ourselves have been there. 
A couple years ago, I thought our family was the only one in our town, where my H would retreat to another room for a week to void any colds or illnesses in our home.  Sometimes, he would miss the holidays.  That went of for most of our marriage. He would work during the day and come home in the evening until everyone in our house had gotten whatever cold there was going around. The behavior got especially bad during Covid when everyone was being careful anyways. That’s when his Shadow really started to come out to play.  This past year was really bad depression. That’s when I suggested that he talk to someone. I told him he could talk to a pastor or doctor and everything thing would be confidential and they could give him some advice.  After his 2nd visit, he came outside and dropped the Ol’ Bomb.
God is now taking H on his journey, and the rest of our family is on a healing and forward moving journey.

Treasur,
Tell Gracie Cats are certainly welcome, too 😊. We adopted a couple of strays at our old house and they moved here with us. One was a Marmalade colored cat, and the other was a black and white domestic short hair. 

Nas,
I am encouraged by reading your journal. It helps to know we are not alone or crazy.
I’m wondering if MLC happens more often in people’s homes, but they just don’t bring it up to the neighbors. My D12’s BFF’s dad moved out and she visits him at his house on the same day D12 goes. The Dad also comes back and visits on the weekends. The grandparents live there and help with the kids.
Well, I need to finish cleaning.  Another group D12’s friends, who couldn’t make it during the week, are showing up on Saturday to celebrate her birthday. 😄
Hugs to you all!

[UrsaMajor]

I read a quote this morning. I think it was,
“If you love someone, set them free,
If you hate someone, set them free,
Basically set everyone free,
People are annoying,
Get a dog!”

Now there's an inspirational quote I can get behind! 

The one that popped up for m today was this: