[LC]

Yeah, I can recall times when the situation has been reversed.  It can be a delicate balance to avoid a topic, yet not appear rude.  There has been quite an unsettling ripple effect through our lives. Happily, the  kids’ friendships remain intact. With time, I think things will level out as God works out his plan for us.

[LC]

Just a mini update
So this month appears to be “drop all the bills and see who picks them up” game by H. He doesn’t communicate with me about anything. He sends D32 to tell me.  Yay what fun😲.  First the was the internet bill (mine), then cell phone bill, then trash pick up. All those are in my name. So I did some fancy budgeting with the money he provides us and squeezed those in and pay one of those a week, with still enough for groceries for 4 people.  Then he dropped the electric bill off and my D32 and I open it. Apparently he hadn’t paid it in 3 months, so we made an emergency payment on it.  So next he sends D32 to tell me that he wants me to get the electric bill put in my name.  I’m not feeling like I should get this in my name yet, because I feel like he is separating our households financially for possible legal action down the road. I will put it into our budget, as we need electricity, but I am not in a hurry to change it. D said H doesn’t want the bills to show up at his place. I have my suspicions why.
Well, my phone battery is at 10%.
Better post now

[UrsaMajor]

I've said it before and I'll say it again. In this situation, you need legal advice ASAP  to0 make sure that you don't end up holding the stick at the wrong end

Of course he doesn't want the bills to show up at his place .... Why?  Because he is likely hiding the fact that he is STILL MARRIED! And of course he is going through D32 ... Why?  Because then he doesn't have to face the reality of what he is doing nor does he have to face the consequences of talking to you personally

[Treasur]

I agree with UM that you need to speak to your lawyer pronto. Bc your h may not like it - and yes, he is obviously beginning a process of unravelling things even if not in a very sensible way - bc you have rights and he has obligations even if he doesn’t like it. If he has defaulted on one bill, it’s likely there are or will be others and you need to legally protect yourself the best you can from any debts he incurs.

You may wish to talk to your daughter about your boundaries and how she feels about being a message conduit for him. It’s her choice of course, and a difficult situation, but you have choices too in how you will or will not respond or involve her.

[LC]

My lawyer said that as long as he is depositing enough to cover the food and bills, it’s fine. If he stops, then I need to get in touch with her. She thinks he will file after he has been living wherever he is living, for 6 months. She will file a motion for temporary support once that happens.
From what he told me at BD, he expected the adult kids would take over things financially after he moved out. They are showing him that they are definitely NOT🤭
I’m not sure what planet he is on right now.

[LC]

Treasur
D32 doesn’t seem to mind relaying H’s messages, however I am careful not to have her relay anything back to him.  Although she seems neutral about relaying his messages, I don’t think it’s healthy for her.  She was always a Daddy’s Girl. Maybe that’s why she still helps him if he asks.  Or maybe she learned it from me. 

[UrsaMajor]

My lawyer said that as long as he is depositing enough to cover the food and bills, it’s fine. If he stops, then I need to get in touch with her. She thinks he will file after he has been living wherever he is living, for 6 months. She will file a motion for temporary support once that happens.
From what he told me at BD, he expected the adult kids would take over things financially after he moved out. They are showing him that they are definitely NOT🤭
I’m not sure what planet he is on right now.

First, if he has been failing to pay a bill for three months, then he is NOT depositing enough to cover that 3 months arrears. The fact you had to make an emergency payment to keep the lights on shows that he isn't covering what he is obligated or has agreed to cover.

Second, expecting the adult children to cover his share of the costs after he bailed out, while reasonable on the face of it, ONLY works if that expectation is communicated to said adult children in advance. If they have been living at "Hotel Mom and Dad" without having to worry about the financial aspects, then changing that requires him to tell them (and you) and to make arrangements with the m (and you to make that happen. The fact he has done it on a "well, I will just stop paying without notice" basis, leaving you to formulate and implement a recovery action/strategy shows that his idea of responsibility is a joke. The fact that the adult kids (who I assume are still living at home) have not picked up the slack is also an indication that he hasn't talked to them. This is something that will fall to you as you will need their support to make ends meet once MLCH is gone for good. As adults, they will also need to share the responsibility of the place they are living. If they are not at home, then it is a different story and just goes to show that MLCH has his head stuffed so far up his .... fog.... that he can't tell reality from fantasy....  .

Third, D32 may be a "Daddy's Girl" but she is NOT a valid messenger. Any messages relayed may or may not be relayed 100% accurately or completely (not out of malice but out of personal interpretation). In the military, we used to call this the "Torn Tape Relay" where messages were punched out on paper tape and the operator would have to tear the paper tape strip out of one machine and feed it into the next machine for the next leg of the transmission. Invariably, one piece of the tape would fall on the floor and under some piece of equipment so the message at the far end would usually be missing information in the middle of the message and the end receiver just had to try to figure out what the missing content of the message was.... and you are right, it is NOT healthy for her.

[OffRoad]

I'm not sure where you live, but please be careful. If you "manage" to survive on less than you really need, some states will say that is all you need (reasonable support). If you aren't getting enough because he gives you more of the household bills, it is in your best interest to ask for more to cover those bills. Example: if you get 800 for bills and groceries and you are presented with a 600 electric bill you have never paid before that is 3 months overdue, then you send a matter of fact text or email that says "the 600 electric bill was not in the original agreement for me to pay. Please add 200 to the monthly payment to cover that." Then save that message and all responses. Expect monster,  do your best not to get upset, and reiterate that he is asking for you to pay more than agreed on.

Your choice, of course, but an MLCer will try to  cheat you so they have more money for themselves.  JMO. Mine never paid a penny of child support, nor paid for anything for our son (no health insurance, no car insurance, no activities. Nothing).

Also be aware, he never has to file for divorce if he can get by paying only 800 a month. In my state, you'd be getting 500 per child. And spousal support for yourself, which would be considerable. That is 1500 plus spousal support. 800 is a DEAL! I'm not sure of the point of waiting, but it might be your area is best that way, but you are getting short changed as are your kids.

[OffRoad]

And I so feel your pain about being the invisible person in the family now. It's been 9 years and my D finally gets it, how everyone goes for "big family Christmas" to Dad's parents house, and I'm left sitting alone for the rest of the day after my morning 3 hours.

[LC]

OffRoad,

“When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!”

I’ve decided to make Salsa!

I made an itemized list of our grocery and utility expenses. I subtracted what we receive from him from the total. I told him the difference is what we need from him each month.
I sent it to him in an email.  I didn’t tell him that I already receive help from the adult kids. 

I found out that texts aren’t generally accepted as evidence in court, as folks can delete the parts they don’t want anyone to see.  I have to admit to a bit of mild fear. I’m doing this for our family. If he hadn’t started offloading the bills, I never would have needed to send him a list. 

Will update more later