[Reinventing]

I agree with turning your sympathetic ear to yourself.

Also, I agree with getting as much information about your choices (separation, divorce, etc) and what it means about new debt he has and likely will continue to acquire, your home, etc. Information can be painful to think about, but it lets you work in the light instead of the dark.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

As with the others, I do say you need to get legal advice as soon as possible. You can place the date of separation when he moved out, but there is no guarantee on anything as laws and regulations vary. That means that debts and assets accrued after the separation would be on each individual but not you as a couple.

I also want you to not feel bad for being a kind person. It is not easy to make a huge shift after being together for so long. You have trusted him and let him handle all the finances while you raised the family and ran the household. For whatever reason, he decided that he wanted to quit his commitment to you and the kids. Unfortunately, whether he likes it or not, there are consequences for his decisions and actions. That's on him. That doesn't mean that you can't still feel for him, just know that it is all about him and he needs to face up to his responsibilities.

My advice is to focus your kindness towards the kids and yourself. Try your best to maintain the home you've established with the children for over three decades. That will enable you to keep your own sanity while dealing with damage of his crisis.

You are doing very well and you just need to focus on the needs of your family.

I hope you have a great day and find a moment to be kind to yourself,

(((Ready)))

[KellBell]

First time replying but I've read your story. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and more so for the kids. It's just terrible and so selfish on his part. But I just wanted to say- I found it really helpful to journal my sympathies and thoughts after interacting with the MLCer. It's easy for us to see how confused, hurt and depressed they are and it's completely normal for us to want to help someone we have loved for so long. But we can't change them or fix this for them. We can't nice them back. We have to let them navigate this situation and suffer the repercussions of their actions. The best way to negotiate those two sides is to remain neutral and calm on the outside and then express all your feelings on paper, typed or in voice messages to yourself. It's conflicting and tiring and such a sh*t show. I really feel for you and your family. Much love and strength!

[LC]

Treasur, Reinventing, Kaydee, Ready, KellBell;

Thank you for you kindness and concern.

My Lawyer tells me that we have the best case if he does file first.  They have everything in standby and ready to file, including the separation date being when he moved out last summer.  If he stops paying support, before June (when he said he’s going to file), then I will put my retainer money back in the trust account and go from there.  In our state, if we are legally separated, neither of us are allowed to make any major purchases. This may be why he wants a divorce instead.
I need to ask her another question on Monday.  If we divorce, can he put our house up as collateral when borrowing money to buy another.  This concerns our D32, who runs an orchard and a hobby farm on our property.  What a mess😕

That aside. I’m learning to take it one day at a time and be fully present for my family.  I’m exercising everyday, like I used to.  I’m thinking of restarting my Knitting Channel on Youtube.  I’d like to edit my Kindle Knitting books and re-upload them on Amazon. Basically, I’m rediscovering the creative things that made me happy, before everything started to really slide downhill in 2021.
I still earn gift cards and do ClickWorker jobs on the side, and I know I need to find a real job after whatever settlement happens, but I really feel the need for my creative oasis that no one else’s drama can touch.  I feel like it’s fuel for my engine.  Whatever happens, its that wonderful place no one can touch.😁

Thank you all for being so patient with me and being such a wonder group!

HUGS 🤗

[Reinventing]

LC, thanks for the additional information. You are more advised by a lawyer than I think most of us realized, which is good.

I'm glad you're reconnecting with your creative side, that is awesome. One of our most successful and longstanding groups at work is a knitting circle that meets every Friday to sit and knit/crochet together in a big circle. Something you may also consider. There are a lot of lonely/social creative folks out there and it could drive folks to your YouTube Channel.

[Happylight]

I am so impressed by your grit, determination, and inventiveness with everything.  I can sympathize with your natural inclination to be kind and understanding.  I just wanted to let you know that you sound like an amazing mother, and that you are absolutely doing an amazing job with everything under the circumstances.  I am curious about your own experience with crisis.  You said you weren't unfaithful, but what did your crisis involve?

[LC]

My experience with Crisis at 28

So, on January 27, 1998, I gave birth to our third child, a beautiful baby girl. She is our D26.  Her’s was a home birth, which went beautifully. We had an amazing midwife. D26 smiled almost as soon as she was born.  Postpartum recovery was fine, physically.  I breastfeed her, same as the others.  I was ok until about  2 weeks postpartum, I started feeling overwhelmed
with the responsibility of caring for a newborn, in addition to a 2 and a 4 year old. 
H was cranky, not exactly sure why. I just chalked it up to us not having relations since the baby was born.  My father, called a few times to yell at me about my not going back for my Masters degree in art and or teaching.  I had paid for half of school myself and took out loans for the rest, to get my bachelors degree in art.  I didn’t exactly have the money to go back to school and I didn’t want to get further in debt.
H became more grumpy and demanding.  At 6 weeks, the midwife came over for a well mom/baby check.  I just broke down and let everything out and told her how depressed I was and everything that had been going on.   D26 was happy and in good health, I was physically fine, just depressed and stressed.
She told me to start taking St. John’s Wort for the depression and she called another lady in our Mom group to come out to help me for a couple weeks.  I was able to get back on my feet and develop a routine. Meanwhile, I had gone from depressed to having periods of time where I just felt flat. I didn’t like that feeling. Up till then, I had been having feelings of an existential nature.  What am I here for exactly?  What have I done of lasting value?  I knew I wouldn’t always be here. Someday, I will die like everyone else who has gone before me. I felt like no matter what I did, no one was happy.  I remember when I was in school, I felt pressured to perform academically. I was in honors classes. I felt pressured to attend the same university my father had attended, to follow in the his footsteps and get my degree.  When I got my degree, there was no “Congratulations”, from my parents. It was, “Hey, when are you going back for your Masters degree?”  I explained that I wanted to work freelance for awhile and stay home with D32, who was 2 months old at the time.  I felt pressured to keep up with H’s expectations that seemed to increase exponentially after D26 was born. 
The thing is that any one of these things alone; a degree, marriage, babies are all wonderful things. I was happy to have them all!  What started to tick me off was no matter what I did, no one was happy with me.  I started to think maybe it was easier to please God, than people. 😐 At this point, I was at my lowest point. H wondered why I just didn’t snap out of it. I told him I wasn’t like this because I wanted to be.  I called the midwife and told her I felt like nothing.  She came over and we talked.  She told me that God was there for me and wanted me to lay down my burden and to turn to him for help. She prayed with me and went home.  For the next two weeks I prayed daily for him to reveal things I needed to ask Him to forgive me for. In short, I came to the conclusion that I was prideful, insulting, insensitive, and glossed over my own faults in order to feel like I was better than I was.  There is a Reddit group titled, “AITA”.  In short, the conclusion someone beginning to come out of crisis needs to come to is, I am the @$$hole.  So, about 4 months later, on April 24, 1998, I received the Lord into my heart and I have been walking with Him ever since.

[LC]

Just a short update:

I’m a little upset, and shocked right now. I really shouldn’t be.
H texted a few days ago and told me he was going to start writing me checks for support every month and have me deposit them in my bank acct.  He dropped one off for me a week ago.
Yesterday he told me he was closing the bank account, in his name, that I use to pay the grocery card and other bills.  He dropped off a cashiers check for the remainder in that account. I had saved up quite a bit from his monthly support deposits.
I logged in this morning  on the mobile app and noticed he had opened a second account. This one has his current address and a different cell phone number.  I’m not surprised by the separate number.  I looked at the charges. One charge was $300, to a law firm in his town.  This firm handles divorce, custody and business licensing.  I don't think he met with them about business  licensing.  So, I guess I will be meeting with my lawyer and updating her about my current situation. I feel upset, alternating with numbness. I will likely have a good cry, before the kids get up, so I can act like everything is fine, for the rest of the day.  TBH, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and the ride is about to begin with a steep drop. 

On the upside, I am teaching S15 how to drive.  We’ve been going to nature parks and exploring, going on playdates with other moms and kids.  I made a new friend and we compared school curriculums.  On the heels of encountering an H, who seems to loathe me,  it was refreshing to meet and shake hands with my new friend, when I went to pick the kids up from their playdate.  She seemed genuinely happy to meet me. 
I just wanted to share this update.
Thanks for listening and I hope everyone here is doing well.
(((Hugs)))

[KayDee]

Sending hugs from over the pond LC. I really understand the feelings. It's the coldness of it all, like - well, we might as well be a business matter, right? That's how it feels. But of course, the clinical'ness of it, the formality, the arms-length approach - that speaks volumes too. It's just not the action of a fully rounded, emotionally sound person. It takes a long a while to shake off the (imagined) stain of being the so-called LBS, and then you realize that it is actually you with all the magic cards, you are the one with all the love and compassion in the dynamic. And when you redirect some of this - it really shows. I for one am not surprised you have made a new friend, and there will be more.

[MadLuv]

LC- I am one of a few that filed and divorced in 90 days to secure the best settlement while he was empathetic I could. My lawyer said this to me “ you can always get remarried if he comes out of this, but you will never get this settlement again” so, just know that even if you divorce it doesn’t have to be the en. If it’s meant to be you will come back together. Ask kellbell!!!