[zartheit]

driving ridiculously fast (has anyone seen this in their MLCer? The times I have been in the car with him since all this transpired, he has an almost dangerous lead foot, will get on people's tail end and will get road rage over the smallest of things ....I don't get it)

My ex-wife totaled our car from causing a multi-car pile-up during rush hour. I believe she was drunk while she did it but have no proof. That was a tad out of character.

his lack of empathy when he used to be the kindest person I know

I also described by ex-wife as the most compassionate person I had ever met. I used to use her as a role-model for patience and empathy. Unfortunately, I don't any longer.


Personally, no-contact was agonizing when I thought of it as a game of chicken but it became an oasis when I made the decision for me and my own healing. You sound very clear headed and determined to me. I imagine the emotions are roiling and at times you're under water, but your overall approach and mindset look really good from my vantage point.

[BurnedBridge]

Oh wow, JB and Zarthwit, it's so strange that these people may be so different but have so many similarities during their MLC.

The mediator sent me details on the fees and retainer....and my goodness is all of this mess expensive. I really feel my H should be paying half of those fees and retainer with me as he is at fault for the divorce/breakdown of marriage. I don't really want to contact him, however. There is the option of just filing, it appears, but we do have assets between us so I feel I should go the route of getting assistance by a professional so that I get my fair share. Should I ask that my H split those fees? And if so, would a text suffice? Something short and simple like "I have forwarded you a breakdown of the mediation fees. We will need to split these so please let me know once you have your portion"?

[FrenchHusband]

Oh wow, JB and Zarthwit, it's so strange that these people may be so different but have so many similarities during their MLC.

The mediator sent me details on the fees and retainer....and my goodness is all of this mess expensive. I really feel my H should be paying half of those fees and retainer with me as he is at fault for the divorce/breakdown of marriage. I don't really want to contact him, however. There is the option of just filing, it appears, but we do have assets between us so I feel I should go the route of getting assistance by a professional so that I get my fair share. Should I ask that my H split those fees? And if so, would a text suffice? Something short and simple like "I have forwarded you a breakdown of the mediation fees. We will need to split these so please let me know once you have your portion"?

Hi BB,

I am not sure whether this mediation is a mandatory step before divorce in your country or a despesrate try from your side to reconnect. I will assume it is the first case, because mediation or MC is in most cases NOT working in early phases of MLC.
So yes, it looks fair for me that you have to share the fees. Yes something short and simple sounds good to me.

[BurnedBridge]

Thank you for your reply, FH. You mentioning a desperate attempt to reconnect actually made me really reflect and I do feel that was the reason behind it, if I am being really honest with myself. And yet, I also know the pain seeing him will cause me. I think it's in my best interest to not see him at all and try to complete the process from a distance. Thank you for checking me on that.

[JohnnyBravo]

I think this was a misinterpretation by FrenchHusband. This is mediation as in “a less contentious pathway to divorce “ rather than marriage counseling, correct?

[JohnnyBravo]

Forgot to mention: I think you can propose the fee splitting, but ultimately I think that would be part of the negotiations.

[BurnedBridge]

Ah okay, that makes sense, JB. Even so, it made me reflect on my intentions for the mediation so I am thankful. 😊

We have pretty fairly split our assets and savings, and we just have our house and my name will be removed in 6 months after my STBXH shows proof of the mortgage coming out of a single not a joint account for 6 months. Sucks but....that is where he is living so I can't imagine he would just stop paying his mortgage.

I have decided to work with a company that does a pretty quick uncontested divorce because I just want closure and distance from him. I needed some personal details (SSN) so I reached out for those details and explained the mediation route was costly if we split it AND most importantly I didn't want contact with him in person or video for the mediation.

His response was, "I don't have that amount now (for mediation) but I can save it in a few months."

I let him know it seems unnecessary and I want to close the chapter and work with the company to start the process. "I don't want to go against either of our wishes, so let me know if you would prefer mediation but, for me, I would prefer this route."

His response was: "Ok we can file this way. It's just sad."

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone.... I feel like he wanted the mediation route to drag it out as he said he needed to save up a few months. Who would want to spend thousands of dollars when, if anything, he would be the one losing money in the mediation not winning anything? And the whole "it's just sad." remark... Then I let him know I would get it completed and we may get some documents mailed to us and thanked him for 10 good years and he responded with "Thank you for the best years. And I will forever be sorry".
This man caused all of this. I was in wedded bliss before and would have laughed if someone told me 2 months ago I would be divorcing him.

It's almost like some of these people are removed from reality or are confused why people want to leave the chaos they turn their world into, damaging their loved ones in the process. It's such a strange disconnect or glitch between empathy and apathy.

My sister pointed out she thinks it's just another manipulation tactic to pull me back in, to make me think he doesn't want this, and can continue cake-eating. 🍰 It's sad, the selfishness of it all. 

I know I want to close this chapter even though I have a deep love for him that I don't think I will ever be able to remove, even with time. And as sad and broken as I know I will be when it's finalized, a part of me feels like I am going to feel a huge rush of relief alongside it.

[JohnnyBravo]

It's almost like some of these people are removed from reality or are confused why people want to leave the chaos they turn their world into, damaging their loved ones in the process. It's such a strange disconnect or glitch between empathy and apathy.

Yep... My ex-wife's definition of mediation was, "you give me everything I want, and the mediator signs off on it." She wanted half of everything (or maybe it was a third, because she was told a lawyer would get a third if we went that route), and wanted it in cash. Even though we were married less than five years, and I had assets from before we even met. "Uh, you have to get part of this as a 401k from my retirement plan." "I don't want a retirement plan, I want cash." Like I'm Scrooge McDuck bathing in a pool of gold doubloons and can just hand her a few sacks.

My ex got more than she was technically entitled to, but going to court would have risked more due to case law here. Now, at least I'm free and clear.

Hang in there...

[Treasur]

Not seen many examples here of mediation working well/easily with MLc-type spouses bc, well, MLC mindsets. So imho you would be wise to keep your expectations low, know the hills you are prepared to fight on/over that make sense and have a Plan B for what happens if mediation is a bust.

The law on mediation varies in different countries. Here in the UK the legal system strongly encourages it as a first choice but my lawyer - based on her experience of dealing with the initial nuttiness of my then h and her concern for my mental health - advised against it. My then h and me met separately with a court approved mediator who agreed with her judgement and signed off that mediation was not appropriate. So that meant lots of lawyers letters back and fro, with an option to go to court if there was no resolution. Took longer, probably cost more, but did save my sanity and kept me safe. When it came down to it, my then h - and presumably his soon to be owife - did not want to go to court so that enabled me to eventually get it over the line. But it was a process full of the normal MLC ‘you’re not the boss of me’, lies, dodgy financial stuff coming to light and lots of information foot dragging on his part. For the divorce apparently that he was ‘desperate’ to have and that I found previously inconceivable  But that seems to be a pretty common experience here sadly. Weird but common.

There was a book in the 70s that talked about the fantasy of a ‘zipless f**k’…..seems like most of these departing spouses have a fantasy of an equivalent ‘zipless’ divorce and are rather taken aback by the (entirely predictable) consequences that follow along with leaving your spouse this way. That can be head scratching but worth reminding yourself that it’s not your problem to solve. He think it’s ‘sad’? Or thinks it’s expensive? Not your circus - what he feels, thinks or expects stopped being your concern when he left, and I’m pretty confident that he has shown little or no concern about your opinions or the impact on your life or your finances or your feelings, right? I suspect you have quite enough of your own thoughts and feelings about it to deal with. Let him talk to other people about his and deal with them himself. That is one of the benefits that comes with limiting direct contact. Although if I remember rightly my former h put a lot of his sadz and rage into letters from his lawyer to mine lol, but she was a great filter.

Be as honest with yourself as you can be about what you are hoping to achieve. Recognise that you might have mixed agendas and some messy emotions about it. Accept the reality of what mediation is designed to do and what it is not. Then do whatever you feel will protect you best given the circumstances and with an eye to the longer term.

[FrenchHusband]

Ah okay, that makes sense, JB. Even so, it made me reflect on my intentions for the mediation so I am thankful. 😊
His response was, "I don't have that amount now (for mediation) but I can save it in a few months."
[..]

I let him know it seems unnecessary and I want to close the chapter and work with the company to start the process. "I don't want to go against either of our wishes, so let me know if you would prefer mediation but, for me, I would prefer this route."

His response was: "Ok we can file this way. It's just sad."

As my mistake was helpful to you, I am glad I misunderstood  . On my thread you can read what results I got with mediation (July 2023). Even with all the good advices from the forum, the result was not positive (not negative). So, seeing the answers from your H to your proposal, IMHO a mediation would be only a waste of money.

What is mandatory to succeed with mediation is the good will of both people, and it seems there is no good will from your H.