[BurnedBridge]

Hi,

I have been a watcher of this forum for a month and finally decided to post my story. For the whole month of June I had an intuition that something was off with my husband (39M) but I (30F) have a form of OCD that sometimes hyper focuses on my romantic relationships. I had been in therapy for a year and was making incredible progress, essentially it was gone (or I just healthy coped with it so that I had no symptoms). My husband used this to his advantage as I began to feel something was off. He was try and twist it so that I thought it was my mental health, which again my OCD was essentially dormant for the past year and even before then minimally popped up. He would make me feel crazy for worrying, watch me breakdown and feel so terrible for accusing him. He saw as dropped weight from the worry, began juicing and eating as healthily as I could as it does have an impact, albeit slightly, on the severity of my OCD, I requested urgent appointments with my therapist that I hadn't seen in nearly a year because I was asymptomatic. I broke down to him one day telling him I am so sorry, that I am terrified of sabotaging our marriage due to myself and that I don't want to do anything to risk losing us and will do whatever I can. Looking back, he was beyond manipulative with me, pretending my accusations were wild or I was crazy for being a bit concerned he'd become so fixated on appearance, stopping kissing me at night, seemed snappy with me when he was never like that before. He would feed into the narrative that it was my OCD worries bubbling up.

On July 3rd (BD), for whatever reason, while he was still asleep I got into his phone and found messages between him and a female coworker. They were absolutely inappropriate. To be honest, I didn't want to see it and hardly scrolled to see how long it had been going on, what was said, etc., but it was definitely inappropriate as they spoke about dating each other, wanting each other. Funnily enough my husband sent her videos of BMX.... He did BMX when he was 15, as if he does any of that today. That still makes me chuckle and cringe. He bought 90's grunge clothes, lots of stuff for his thinning hair that is worsening.

I confronted him and left to my sister's. The thing I will remember most from that day is me waking him up, showing him his phone and saying "we have to talk" then the look of disgust he had on his face for me and him wrestling his phone out of my hand. I mean, dragging me down to get it from me. That was heartbreaking.

Anyways, I find out this woman has a partner and multiple children and is actually older than me, which I thought unusual. She's closer to his age. He never wanted kids. Not because he hates kids, we both have always loved kids and spoiled my nephews. But didn't want them as that just wasn't our path, and we had countless conversations confirming back and forth that was what we wanted and, if anything, he was always 100% while I was 99% sure. So....this felt odd to me. Maybe grasping at the opposite life to what he had.

Back story on us, we met over 10 years ago on a poetry writing forum in 2013. He was from England and I the US. We were not looking for anything besides writing poetry but quickly became absolutely enamored with each other. We were best friends, talked as much as the day and workday allowed, we could talk for hours about nothing and it was hypnotic. Fast forward to 2018, we get married in England after multiple long-stay trips back and forth, and live there for 2 years. We were besotted with each other. We realized we had more opportunity in the US for my work and also we wanted a house with land, which wasn't financially feasible where we lived in England. We moved to the US in 2020, our love as strong, if not stronger, than ever and began setting up our life here. He quickly climbed the ladder at his job, I changed my job and found more financial success. We saved like crazy to buy a house.

This brings us to last October. His dog, that he had most of his adult life, that moved with us, died. She was 13 and loved a really wonderful life but it impacted him badly. He seemed to grieve her, we both did, then life carried on and in May we closed on our first home together. This was our dream home, it ticked all our boxes and some of those boxes were a bit wonky, so it was fate. Shortly after or during the closing process, I found a lipoma on his shoulder that was growing. He had surgery to get it removed and was prescribed painkillers. These are all, I believe, markers for the mudslide for his midlife crisis. He never fully grieved his dog and she was his last connection to home. The house was a goal we had for years and I think reaching this freaked him out, as if all doors shut when in reality, at least to me, it opened all doors for us to no longer have tunnel vision on one goal. In spite of all this, we have always been an exceedingly happy, bordering on obsessed with each other, couple. We have spent our full 10 years in the honeymoon phase. Even up until I found out, we were both incredibly affectionate and loving (besides the kiss at night which was the only thing off with the affection). He would still call me beautiful every day, tell me how much he loved me, it still felt just as it always had that we could be in a room of people and just feel like it was me and him there, as cheesy as that is. 

This takes us up to the affair, he told me "it's nothing", "I don't want her, I want you", "I like her but not in love with her", yada yada, we need some originality here. I stay with my sister because I am absolutely blown over. She is just as, if not more, blown over. She even said she was in shock because he idolized me, there was no way. I stayed with her on and off, we hardly spoke but I would send texts letting him know the pain I was in, sometimes rude ones if in honest, that I could never be with him. I never knew about MLC at this time. Now I see a neon MLCer sign pointing to him over his thinning head of hair (which, I loved him regardless of hair, no hair, just...still pissed).

We come back together that weekend and I ask for all the information. I see now he hardly gave me anything and I accepted all his sweet talk and "it meant nothing" comments. I feel ridiculous for buying those. He said he would stop communication with her but they work together so I felt sick to my stomach and it felt false. She was in HR by the way, go figure. He agreed it wouldn't happen again, we both need individual therapy, then down the line marriage counseling. I need to grow and he needs to grow, was what I rationalized, and once we do this mess is over and snap, bang we are back madly in love.

It was a rough week of being apart. We had some really deep conversations during that weekend, mostly me trying to listen to these new issues that were really troubling him that, if I'm honest, didn't seem very big to me compared to other traumas he had because he'd never brought them up before, they were when he was much younger and he had other wounds that I had always thought may have been unresolved but maybe not. I listened, I comforted him, I asked open ended questions so it would encourage him, I wanted him to feel safe. He broke down crying a lot. A lot. I thought this was really positive, maybe he is confronting these things and it felt we were bonding over these deep conversations about him. One in particular was his dad cheating on his mom when he was younger and then sort of using him as a pawn between the two of them, though they remained together for another decade after. He also let me know when the affair started he had been abusing prescription pills from his back surgery then began using more prescription pills from an old dental procedure he had a year or so ago. He hardly drinks, doesn't smoke, is pretty straight edge just by choice. This was shocking. He also revealed to me he was self-hxxxxxx (not sure if I needed to censor that).

I stayed nights at my sister's but we reconnected again the following weekend to go our. During this time, I realized he hardly reacted when I first found out. The man I married would have broken down the door to my sister's house to ask for forgiveness. This sorry man did nothing. I initiated all the conversations after, asking what he wants. I initiated the requested to meet up again, to see how we are feeling. We meet up to go have dinner and I try to dress to blow his socks off. Bit embarrassing thinking back that I thought this was a me issue, that I needed to impress HIM, to try to lure in HIM. We have dinner and we are back to us, almost immediately. Flirting, forgetting everyone around us, making each other laugh. Being just ..2 ridiculous adults in nice clothes, pretending we know how to act in a nice restaurant. It was bliss and a snapshot to before everything. This solidifies to me I want to make it work and forgive. We are both feeling so happy. I see his face was lit up throughout the whole meal. Later that night we get to bed and he falls asleep before me. His phone is not on the side, as we had agreed after the first time. We agreed we wouldn't hide our phones at night. I go through his phone and find out he didn't block that woman, and had still been messaging her talking about what it would be like together. I woke him up, yet again and let him know he pulled the final straw. He began panicking, slapping himself in the face repeatedly (which was so strange to me), begging me to talk, begging me to listen to him. He will do anything to make it work, meant nothing, he wasn't in love with her, mistake, needed attention, so on and so forth. I was angry, admittedly saying some rude things in the heat of the moment, then I was broken and broke down for the upteenth time that week, then I felt nothing. I laid in bed just staring off.

During this time and the previous time he never shed a tear. His eyes didn't look like him. Did any of you notice when it seems like there's nothing behind or within the person and their eyes look almost lifeless and emotionless? He has those eyes both times. He came in the bedroom and saw me then he began breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably, nearly hyperventilating. He saw me and it hit him what he'd done. He was inconsolable. I told him he needed to leave for the night. The next day I have a doctor's appointment he had long agreed to take me to and I asked if he could still do me that favor. He was crying off an on during my appointment. I told him after the appointment that I wanted us to say a final goodbye as I have to be done. He cried and cried, we both did. He said he will never be able to find what we had, that we were the best thing in his life and the past 10 years he's been happier than he could have ever dreamt of being. One really kind thing he has said multiple times through this all, and begs me each time that if I believe nothing else from him it's to believe this, he tells me regardless of the outcome he wants me to know it was never, ever anything wrong with me. He couldn't have wished for more in a wife and he doesn't want me to ever doubt, in the future, that there was anything I did or didn't do that led him to this. It was him. There was something wrong in him. Hopefully others out there find comfort in this statement, if you didn't already realize none of this is because of you. It's a them issue.

I really feel like he was being honest every time he said that, which was nice to hear though not necessarily easy to believe. While we were crying at us parting, he seemed human again, and was feeling emotions. The following week we both went back and forth over if we truly wanted things to end. I love him so deeply, always will unfortunately, that I didn't and don't regardless of the pain.

But talking to him now is like talking to a brick wall ...he hardly messages me or initiates any conversation with me. He goes back and forth over if he can recommit to us and making things work or if he needs time to work on himself. I am proud of him for doing therapy weekly. He seems to be really going all in on his therapy, even journaling every day to sit with his emotions, to reflect. I got him work books to figure out who he is, his goals, the aspects of his life that need improving. He was looking into those.

As I've said, we've gone back and forth over the last few weeks on making things work or not. I would want to, then the distance (because we are living apart), him not really showing a desire to communicate with me and the images of the messages and ruminations of the affair would hit me like a ton of bricks and I would get cold feet. I admit I have been flighty about what I want but, to be fair, I feel like I was in wonderland and suddenly was in the eye of a tornado. I've not been the greatest and I have admitted that to him and apologized. I love him so much but he scares me. The way he can hurt me and his disinterest in trying, but being shattered at the thought of us ending, hurts and confused me. I've apologized so many times for being so indecisive but, overall, have tried to be pretty darn supportive and understanding about the whole thing.

He mentioned us trying to take it super slow, maybe rebuild a friendship, maybe in a few months time or years something more will blossom organically when we both grow. As much as I liked the thought of that, the thought of connecting with him and feeling the deep love I do for him and pretending it's less than it is, sounded rough. The thought that he was likely planning on continuing this thing on the side while he "worked in himself" and I acted like a placeholder, hurt me. It hurt me too much. I let him know, by recommendation from my therapist, that I can't accept a vague answer. I need to know if his end goal is for us to get back together and really put in the work for us. He couldn't give me that, still vague and nonchalant. Still not reaching out to me first ...he used to send me sweet good morning messages every day before all this, he was so invested in me and us and we talked throughout most days, even with work, until we were home together again. So this shift is...hard. It's hard to not make more out of it than what it is.

I let him know I can't do this. I can't be potentially a friend that he may potentially want to be with at some unknown point down the line. I was his partner for 10 years. We were crazily in love, we went through thick and thin together, we were best friends. I couldn't regress, it hurt too much, and he didn't seem that effected.

Today is his birthday and he is staying at our old rental, that I have been staying at. He got the house  because I would struggle to get by with the mortgage on my own. So he is staying at our rental tonight to spend time with our pets. It's his birthday today. I left him a letter on the table letting him know I have contacted a mediator so we can begin the divorce proceedings and property/asset dividing.

This may not be the way to go about it but I have to go on with my life and go no contact. I have so much healing to do from this. Don't get me wrong, my love for my husband runs incredibly, incredibly deep, deeper than the pain he's caused me. I think he knows the door is never fully closed on him. But for now, I have to get on with my life. I'm 30, I have goals I want to achieve and I want to heal and improve myself, and be around loved ones. I wanted to support him but after he saw me devastated once and to continue with it and to be so distant when I was trying everything to help, I no longer wanted to try. I feel bad this is on his birthday because I know he is going through something, but I'm going through something as well that I have no control over, and I wanted him to let me in again. This feels like my own BD.

[Treasur]

Weekends are often a bit quiet here, so I thought I would pop by to say welcome. This is a kind, safe place full of people who ‘get it’ bc they have walked in similar painful and surreal shoes, despite all our differences in gender and lifestyle and age and where we live. There is probably nothing that you have experienced or will experience in this situation you find yourself in that at least some folks here have not done, thought or felt or struggled with. Imho there can be real comfort in that…if only bc it helps remind you that you are not insane and that this is something that has primarily happened TO you not BECAUSE of you.

I hope that this will be a supportive and useful virtual family for you as you plot your own path forward and find your own way to heal and rebuild. I am rather astonished and impressed by your strength and clarity so early post BD. Perhaps, on the strange way that the universe sometimes brings us unexpected gifts from struggles, your experiences in managing your own mental well being have given you a very useful tool box and some skills in distinguishing real wood from insubstantive trees.

My first reaction on reading your post is that there has been quite a lot of gaslighting going on. Lots of words and few matching actions. A number of us here know what that feels like and how hard it can be to step back far enough to see what is real and useful and what is not. There are different points of view here sometimes about limiting contact with your spouse…imho, for most of us, we need to reduce our interactions with them sharply (at least for a while) to get back in touch with our own version of reality rather than being distracted by theirs. It gives us time to breathe, to ground ourselves a bit on a few square feet of something that feels more solid and less chaotic.  It doesn’t have to be that way forever but many of us had to do that for our own survival.

I can see a small inclination for you to feel a bit ashamed or foolish for some of your reactions post BD? Please don’t….it’s a rather lovely quality to choose first to be kind and supportive and patient with someone we love who seems to be unravelling, isn’t it? Until of course it becomes an act of self harm or evidently rather futile. I’d imagine that most of us did something similar initially - I know I did for much longer than served me well. Imho, with hindsight, I largely don’t regret that….it was a comfort to me that I had tried my very best and responded with the kind of effort to understand that I would have hoped for if the roles were reversed. But then there were lots and lots of things I did not know at the time lol, and eventually I had to stop and change my perspective as it became obvious that it wasn’t making anything better for me or anyone else. You wanted him to feel safe, as you said, doubtless bc you understand the importance to you of feeling safe. And then it sounds as if you began to notice the lack of reciprocity, that not only was he not doing things that might make you feel safe but perhaps was actually doing things that made you feel deeply unsafe.

It’s a sad truth, I think, that disordered folks weaponise the best of our natures in these kind of situations…but the fault lies in what they don’t have more than in what we do have in our natures. One learns to stop casting petals before metaphorical swine without losing delight in the essence of the pearls with different folks and in different situations…,

So, breathe. And focus on the basics - sleep, fresh air, taking care of your own physical and emotional well-being. How are you doing with these things so far?

A step back from the surreal chaos these folks create also helps you do a couple of other useful things imho. It helps you remind yourself of the difference between words and actions. It helps you see patterns. It helps you have time to grieve your losses and adjust to the fact that, regardless of what happens in future, this is a life-altering experience that can’t be squeezed back into the toothpaste tube. Again jmo, and MLC spouses come in slightly different flavours while also seemingly playing to a very predictable playbook….so far, it sounds as if your spouse may be a bit of a chaotic boomerang, expecting you to play a role in his current chaos. That may change but it’s a reminder that, when one puts all the chaos to one side, the real question is not about his sadz or confusion or word salad, but what kind of relationship is - or is not - acceptable to you in your life. What you think love and friendship and respect look like in practice for you. Or not. And that you have the right, regardless of what others say or do, to say No, Not Now or Not Like This.

It also gives you time to focus your energy on some of the practical effects that might need action to protect yourself from further damage - finances, housing, legal obligations and rights - all the mess that comes with untangling a long shared life that MLC folks seem to not think much about. How are you doing with these practical bits of fallout?

Well done on being brave enough to share your story while I’m sure that you are still reeling in shock and confusion. If it’s any comfort, quite a lot of LBS who found us early said later that it made a real difference.

You know the details of your situation best….how can we best support you right now, my friend?

[KayDee]

So sorry you are going through this BB. You are among friends and people who get what this kind of event looks and feel like.

Your H sounds a lot like mine. I have hugged and held him through numerous crying meltdowns (his, not mine  ).  In my case, it seemed to make no difference, as he then continued on the path of self-destruction, burning $h!te up and harming me as he barreled onwards.  He too knows it's him, says he is broken and knows he needs help and yet he cannot seem to help himself. That's the rub. Truly, it's not about you, although it's very possible you represent something he cannot bear at the moment - that being the pain he is causing you.  Your instincts to limit this seem spot on.  Be kind to yourself and take time to be with your feelings. You sound incredibly strong, but being in the wake of this kind of crisis is truly traumatic. You seem to be working very fast - it may be wise to slow your pace a little, because you too have been thrown into crisis, and we tend not to be in the best thinking/ decision making space for a while.  Yes, to rolling up the sleeves and securing finances, equally take all the embraces loved ones offer. For me surrounding myself with good energy people, doing exercise, getting IC were all great healers.

Oh, and yes about the eyes. I think this is when they are in a state of disassociation. Actually, in my case, I know it is, as it is how my H looked during difficult visits with his parents. I have seen that dead-eyed look before, although in MLC, cranked up to 11 as it is underpinned with depression.

((((hugs, KD))))

[BurnedBridge]

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. My STBXH had 0 reactions about the divorce and was ready to move forward. I wanted it but his lack of reaction has absolutely devastated me. I don't understand how all the love we had could go out the window so quickly for him. He knows I still love him. My emotions got the best of my and I called him and told him how badly he hurt me, how he could never rectify what he'd done or correct his flawed character. I feel in such a state of despair. I was at my sister's, now I'm back in my lonely house with his letter of response to me about the divorce with "truly wish you the best" at the bottom of the page. I wish he'd not even said that. I'm in such a low state I feel like I am the lowest I have ever felt mentally, that life will never be good or even okay again. That I will always feel this loneliness, sadness and that I have broken into a million pieces. I feel so ashamed for reaching out, for showing my emotions. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have therapy this week but may book a 2nd session. I don't even understand how I do life, how I continue to work and concentrate, how I find any happiness anywhere or in anything. How do I stop thinking about it all?

[Treasur]

Oh dear girl, I remember those times. It’s pretty awful isn’t it? And exhausting.

Three things that helped me in case any of them help you….
- today may have sucked but tomorrow you get to start afresh. And even if tomorrow sucks too, this time too will pass even if it feels like it won’t. Bc that’s how life works.
- please try to only beat yourself up if it is motivational. I found that I felt how I felt anyway even if I beat myself up for feeling that way it didn’t make it better. In fact, it just gave me two crappy sets of feelings rather than just one. And the one set of crappy feelings was quite enough to deal with.
- someone I trusted told me to end my day by writing down three things that were good or that I’d appreciated about that day. Didn’t matter how infinitesimally tiny they were..,.and they were minuscule when I started. In fact I often struggled to find three! But what I then noticed seemed to accidentally happen was that it began to balance out the truly horrific with bits of good stuff. And then I found myself strangely starting to almost look for good things so i’d have something for my nightly list. Feels a bit silly when you start but it came to feel like a little bit of brain-hacking magic. Tbh I still do it now years later before I fall asleep….i literally count three things that feel like blessings in some way. Todays? A lovely phone convo with an old friend. That my hair is looking nice. And that today was warm and sunny.

This time is awful, we know. Your job is to outlast it so you get to the other side of it. And you will. We know that bc we did, even though we also thought we wouldn’t. And you can borrow our faith in that and you until you can find it for yourself xxx

[BurnedBridge]

Oh dear girl, I remember those times. It’s pretty awful isn’t it? And exhausting.

Three things that helped me in case any of them help you….
- today may have sucked but tomorrow you get to start afresh. And even if tomorrow sucks too, this time too will pass even if it feels like it won’t. Bc that’s how life works.
- please try to only beat yourself up if it is motivational. I found that I felt how I felt anyway even if I beat myself up for feeling that way it didn’t make it better. In fact, it just gave me two crappy sets of feelings rather than just one. And the one set of crappy feelings was quite enough to deal with.
- someone I trusted told me to end my day by writing down three things that were good or that I’d appreciated about that day. Didn’t matter how infinitesimally tiny they were..,.and they were minuscule when I started. In fact I often struggled to find three! But what I then noticed seemed to accidentally happen was that it began to balance out the truly horrific with bits of good stuff. And then I found myself strangely starting to almost look for good things so i’d have something for my nightly list. Feels a bit silly when you start but it came to feel like a little bit of brain-hacking magic. Tbh I still do it now years later before I fall asleep….i literally count three things that feel like blessings in some way. Todays? A lovely phone convo with an old friend. That my hair is looking nice. And that today was warm and sunny.

This time is awful, we know. Your job is to outlast it so you get to the other side of it. And you will. We know that bc we did, even though we also thought we wouldn’t. And you can borrow our faith in that and you until you can find it for yourself xxx

Thank you so much for your kind messages, Treasur. I feel slightly better now compared to earlier. I knew awaiting his response that it was going to be an emotionally-charged day, I just didn't anticipate how badly I would feel. Another user mentioned they sing a mantra every day and I had mentioned I may start journaling a mantra so adding the 3 highlights of the day would be perfect. I am so appreciative of all the kindness and support I have already received from this forum. And I am so sorry for my emotional post from earlier, I'm sure everyone here has their own cross to bear, especially if they are on this forum, so I am so grateful for all the kindness here. It has made me feel like I have people to talk to that understand this insanity and pain, as my sisters that haven't been through this -- and I pray they never go through it -- can only take so much of my malarkey and understand the confusion that comes with it. They have been my rocks though. 

[KayDee]

Glad you are feeling a bit better. I suspect we've all gone up and down (and round and round) like a lawless yo-you in the beginning.

Try not to take anything your H says or writes at face value. They say a lot of things that are so bewildering and out of character. Yup, they also lie. Once they make a 'decision' they seem hellbent on pushing it through as fast as they can, before their brain can catch up with them. Your H's note was predictable alas. He thinks he is taking back control. Likely in his mind , he is the good guy, wishing you well. I have had similar cold messages. But the reality doesn't match the written word in my case. But still, I get it. It really hurts. Like - all this time of love together and this is all you have to say? Like I am a random colleague, moving to another job? If he is in crisis, then his inner turmoil is so great, he is furiously pushing down a lid on it all. Try all you can not to internalize this. Things will slowly become clearer to you as you move forward in healing.

[MadLuv]

Burned bridge- no matter what……on here never apologize for your emotions and mental state. I was raw and true to everything I felt through my journey and I am so glad, because as you heal and you slowly will. It is good to look back and see where you were and that you were honest with yourself. The lack of reality the MLCer leaves us in is bad enough without us trying to delute our own true emotions.

[BurnedBridge]

Thank you so much, MadLuv. Everyone on this site has been so wonderful and it feels like a safe haven away from it all.

_____________________

Quick Update:

H and I have had essentially no contact since the weekend except for a message I needed to send requesting he come get some things out of our rental and take our pet pigs (we have 2 rescue mini pigs ....I am going to miss them every day but their new outdoor area was set up at the house that he got). We had a bit of banter back and forth. For once it wasn't me crying or asking him what's wrong with him. I think he has been guarded talking to me because of that. Funnily enough, before this I never raised my voice, I can count on both hands, maybe even just one hand, the big arguments we have had over the last decade. Obviously the MLC is causing him to stay away from everyone except potentially the OW. I have no clue. I'm sure he's up her @$$ because he is an emotional wreck. During our back and forth before going I let him know "It's been nice talking to you" and he responded with "It's been nice talking to you 😊 really nice". Obviously at first I thought, wow, he's proposing to me a second time before I move forward with the divorce.  The things, words and insignificant actions you add value to in the midst of this madness.

I'm ready to be out of the rental and staying with my sister and her family. I'm a bit embarrassed moving in with my sister at 30 but, to be fair, I had just purchased a house....that I can no longer live in, and not by my choosing. My sister has been so sweet and understanding about it. I love being around her and my nephews, though with a few babies, dogs and adults in the house it does get a bit chaotic at times but it's a love-filled chaos. I have given myself a year to get everything in order to get myself a place of my own. My sister is happy with this and says she is happy for me to stay here for the rest of my life if I wanted. Super sweet but no, I have to get on with my life at some point and allow her to get on with hers. I realized I am probably going to need a weekend job on top of my full time job and just start saving out the wazoo so I am in a comfortable place once I move out.

I'm waiting for H to text me a time he will be here this weekend to move our piggie boys. After that, there isn't much I have to say to him and think it is my best interest to go no contact. I know he is going through something, the shark eyes, blatant disregard for his Mum's opinion of him (prior to this he would have never wanted to disappoint her but when he told her about the pills, I asked what her response was and he said "I dont know, I spoke over her so I didn't have to hear it"), driving ridiculously fast (has anyone seen this in their MLCer? The times I have been in the car with him since all this transpired, he has an almost dangerous lead foot, will get on people's tail end and will get road rage over the smallest of things ....I don't get it), his lack of empathy when he used to be the kindest person I know. He couldn't commit to me or give me an answer about what he wants because he doesn't know, he doesn't know who he is or what shows he likes oh and of course "not to be rude but I have gone from one relationship to the next so have felt almost like I have always had to answer to someone". That made me laugh as that is not my fault, him pursuing me right after a relationship....that was his boundary to set it to realize he needed time first AND he has always wore the metaphorical pants in the relationship. And right now, those pants are extremely skinny jeans.... Not a look for a man nearly 40. I'm telling you, he is determined to be an impersonator for one of the GreenDay band members.

I'm anxious about the no contact thing and yet relieved at the same time. I have also felt I've not been process everything. I've been constantly putting in a TV show or movie and I think it is just for avoidance purposes, so that I don't have to sit with the reality of it all. I need to sit with the reality of it all. So today I am not allowing myself any distractions with the exception of instrumental music, which is more to help with anxiety than anything.

I am scheduling the first initial consultation with the mediator for early September just for her to confirm we are a good fit for mediation. After that, I would imagine we would schedule the mediation.


Audio journaling/recording myself talk about how I'm feeling when I'm in a dark place + AI Therapist has been helping me through, alongside my actual weekly therapy appointments. For anyone interested in the AI therapist, it is free and it chats back to you like a therapist: https://www.freeaitherapist.com/

[JohnnyBravo]

...driving ridiculously fast (has anyone seen this in their MLCer? The times I have been in the car with him since all this transpired, he has an almost dangerous lead foot, will get on people's tail end and will get road rage over the smallest of things ....I don't get it)...

I forget when this was relative to bomb drop, but: There aren't many sidewalks in my neighborhood so people walk on the shoulder of the road. My XW was getting angry at pedestrians and cutting it a bit close to them (or at least not giving them any extra space like a normal person), so... Yes.

I imagine this is part of the "me Me ME" aspect of it all, and/or the frustration of whatever is going on in their heads.

JB