[beyondblessed]

BB, I went the mediation route and did quite well for myself, partly because it all happened so quickly that xh was still in the deer win phase and partly because he chose an idiot for his lawyer and I chose someone who was well-known for getting women more than fair settlements.  None of what my xh  thought was going to happen for him actually did.  He lost the house because he tried to pass off the appraisal from the very first year it was built, but my lawyer told me to get what was the current appraisal at that time, which was 16 years newer, so significantly more.  Due to that fact alone, xh couldn't afford to buy my half out, so we were forced to sell.  He wasn't clued into this until the day before mediation, so he had no time to secure other means of funding.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.  And, yes, it is sad that the choices they make haunt them in the end.

[BurnedBridge]

Thank you beyond. I keep oscillating between just filing without any discussion about assets or mediation. I don't want to see him at mediation, that is what is really repelling me from it. At first I wanted mediation but I have had no contact and wish to continue that for my own healing and the thought of seeing him just doesn't feel worth it. However, I did help him pay for the deposit on our house which would give me a nice bit of money to start my savings account back up for my own place (currently living with family) but also it means communicating with him we need to split the mediation fees; which again I want no contact. I'm sort of stuck with that decision but will continue to mull it over.

I have been no contact for a bit now. My STBXH is blocked literally everywhere so not only can he not contact me, but I'm also not biting my fingernails down to the quick worrying that he's not contacting me. Two birds, one block button.

While I loved my husband, going no contact is really shedding light onto what he is. Before all this, I thought the world of him, he was a great man. I thought there's no way I could find a better human. But as this has marinated with me without him being around to influence my opinion, I'm seeing all the cracks in his foundation. He was that guy that always tried to be charming, like over the top so. It always felt a bit "try-hard" but now it's feeling very slimy. He also tended to try and get a reaction particularly from other women, not as concerned about men's response.  And also reiterates that there is something hollow in him to always put on a facade. He either thinks way too highly of himself or thinks way too lowly of himself - even though he was a absolute lint weasel to me, the latter is a sad thought. It makes me pity him, actually, because he used to be a decent fellow. I am also wondering if this has been going on before bomb drop....he cheated in a previous relationship before me, and it feels like this is a repeat behavior for him so I'm wondering if there has been others over this decade.

This no contact has also made me feel better about myself as well. I can do a hell of a lot without him *Cue  Man, I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain* And I really enjoy my own company. I've been pretty productive, on days that I don't turn into a quivering puddle of self-wallowing. I've been a bit hard on myself at not turning things around quick enough, not improving myself quick enough but...it's been a month and a week since my relationship that lasted over a decade imploded so I think I should give myself more grace. But I have been feeling better and my BIL's mum (sisters husband) gave me great confident boosts with "oh he's f***** up losing you", "he was punching above his weight with you anyways". That really fluffed up my metaphorical peacock feathers. I'm certain one day he's going to be kicking himself - our relationship was like a decade of two young kids newly in love. Now he is with a woman that has a partner as well, with multiple kids from other men, when he didn't even want kids of his own. I'm sure things are getting messy and I'm happy I quickly exited stage left.

As I'm continuing to work on myself, it is turning more into working on myself for me and my future. The thought of him seeing me and realizing he couldn't have me back even if he begged is just a bonus to the motivation.

I hope everyone else is doing well!

[amazinglove]

Just a note on the patronizing “truly wish you well” and how that felt devastating- don’t listen to that nonsense they say. They forget how to be empathetic humans and they kind of just parrot what they think they should feel or say.  A day or so before I was leaving my H and he knew I was going to file to end the marriage he said to me, “I will miss a FEW things about you” In a way that he thought was reassuring and a compliment. A few things??!! After 15 years and two kids???!  You will miss a few things. Nice.
I don’t think anything they say means anything when they are in this state. Mine had black eyes too at the beginning- now it’s not exactly like that but he cycles and is all over the place- keep taking a step back and brace yourself for that too. Well done for blocking! Took me 10 months to be able to do that.

[Treasur]

Fwiw I think you should take legal advice before reaching a decision. There are times in life when it’s wise to borrow a bit of someone else’s brain and imho this is one bc of the longer term consequences of your choice for your own financial future perhaps. It sounds as if the main thing that needs to be agreed is him buying you out of the house? Anything else?

I can understand your reticence about contacting him directly and about the pros and cons of mediation. What I don’t know is how the legal options work where you live.

I was struck by what you described as a ‘decade of two kids in love’ from your pov. You were a very young adult when your relationship started, but of course he was not, being a decade older. Or technically not anyway. And that he has been unfaithful before you, now unfaithful to you. And he is abusing prescription drugs. This doesn’t sound like a great catch, does it? You are a young woman still, yet he sounds rather more like a Peter Pan type who has somehow not grown up. (Maybe ow is a de facto replacement ‘mummy’, someone to ‘take care of him’? Idk if that was your role before despite your age differences)

I am twice your age and have to say that Peter Pan types can make appealing boyfriends, even romantic perhaps, but rarely good husbands. Or fathers. Bc those more weighty roles require a bit more adulting especially when life inevitably throws us some tough stuff. And if he is this type, you are not the only LBS here to realise that this was a goodly part of their spouse’s make up.

[BurnedBridge]

Fwiw I think you should take legal advice before reaching a decision. There are times in life when it’s wise to borrow a bit of someone else’s brain and imho this is one bc of the longer term consequences of your choice for your own financial future perhaps. It sounds as if the main thing that needs to be agreed is him buying you out of the house? Anything else?

I can understand your reticence about contacting him directly and about the pros and cons of mediation. What I don’t know is how the legal options work where you live.

I was struck by what you described as a ‘decade of two kids in love’ from your pov. You were a very young adult when your relationship started, but of course he was not, being a decade older. Or technically not anyway. And that he has been unfaithful before you, now unfaithful to you. And he is abusing prescription drugs. This doesn’t sound like a great catch, does it? You are a young woman still, yet he sounds rather more like a Peter Pan type who has somehow not grown up. (Maybe ow is a de facto replacement ‘mummy’, someone to ‘take care of him’? Idk if that was your role before despite your age differences)

I am twice your age and have to say that Peter Pan types can make appealing boyfriends, even romantic perhaps, but rarely good husbands. Or fathers. Bc those more weighty roles require a bit more adulting especially when life inevitably throws us some tough stuff. And if he is this type, you are not the only LBS here to realise that this was a goodly part of their spouse’s make up.

Thank you for your response, Treasur! Yeah, it is just the house and technically we had JUST closed on it a month before everything blew up. I've not gotten to spend a single night in there  but I found all the quirky, unique furniture that we've furnished it with. I've done all the decorating... So I'm sure whomever he takes into that house is going to think he has such wonderful taste which is a total crock.  So basically, it is just the deposit that would need splitting as the first few mortgage payments he has now taken on. We did also have a gorgeous new fence installed for 10K. Not sure if I would get any of that, but I know it definitely increases property value. Those are the things making me wonder if I should go the mediation route but no contact has been a god send for my healing so I'm trying weigh up the value of my sanity and healing to what I would gain. I can pay a small fee for an initial consultation with the mediator, maybe doing that is the best option as it would just be her and I discussing if we would be a right fit for mediation anyways. I could always make a decision from there about it.

Yeah, I don't know what has happened to him. If anything, he has always been more of the caregiving type but now he has just thrown all of his values to the wind. The him he has been over the past few months absolutely does not sound like a catch. He seems like a 21 year old that is still partying as if they're in high-school, sleeping around, with no direction in his life or care. And he seems pretty miserable and depressed. That wouldn't have bothered me as ai tried to be as supportive as I could emotionally, even allowing him to tell me more about what he needed that the other woman helped him with to try and understand, which was painful for me of course. But he kept pushing me away. It is funny you mention looking for a replacement mummy... The other woman has kids and probably does have more of a maternal side to her, definitely more than me as I don't have kids or much of a maternal side to me. He is acting like a child and his mum has ALWAYS coddled him, which is partially the reason he is how he is. She never held him accountable for anything.

Whenever I get back out there -- and it will be a while, I was thinking of giving myself a year at least -- I will definitely be looking for people that do not have similar traits to him, the people pleaser avoidant types that always need attention.

______________________________________


I feel in a really good place at the moment. I cleared out the majority of our rental, which he didn't really bother helping with  , and feel super empowered by it. I have a little shed to disassemble over the weekend and yardwork to do before leaving but I really enjoy doing this type of work. It makes me realize I am perfectly capable at...life.

I have this big goal that I am keeping in mind, a solo RV trip to the Grand Canyon with my pups. I intend to go next year and want to stop at different spots on the way there and back, to spend time on my own and get away from everything, and to do something to look back on and be proud of. Whenever I start to feel down, I start thinking about my trip and different places to stop.

My sister told me about a friend's STBXH today. We all sort of grew up with him, he has the same girlfriend since high school that became his wife. They had a few kids together and the most recent baby they had 2 years ago, he seemed to spiral afterwards. It honestly sounds like an MLC to me, but maybe I'm just seeing that everywhere because it applies to my current situation. This guy started spiraling: cheating, drinking, called her one time from the parking lot of a movie theater with a gun saying he was going to harm himself, is struggling to pass court-ordered drug tests, apparently has been blasted on Facebook for being with a ton of women. He wasn't like that from what I remember. He truly loved his partner and seemed like a fairly normal guy. It's so strange things went downhill after the birth of a child - which I saw can be one of the prominent life changes that can trigger midlife crisis or transitional crisis. She's divorcing him as it's been 2 years of pure chaos for her and her kids. Apparently she is now with a lovely guy and her STBXH is furious about her moving on. 


This got me to thinking.... it's so strange when these people discard you then have the audacity to care when you move on or find someone that will care for you. During the whole fallout with my H, we were separated for a few weeks before divorce was decided upon, and during that time we did come together a few times and talked about things, did some normal "couple things" that I now regret doing... And during that time I did mention to him -- because I am a very forthright person with him -- that a part of me was excited at the thought of dating again (now looking back, I was at the time missing the way he loved me and romanticized the thought of that and finding similar with someone else). This upset him! I couldn't believe it, he was bothered I was excited at the ideal of dating when HE chose to blow up our marriage and cheat with a coworker, who he was still messing around with at the time. The audacity of some of these people blows my mind. He kept bringing up, "those men you were so excited to talk to", quite a few times during those weeks at random moments. Mind you, I never communicated with anyone besides him, family and friends during that time.  He also asked why I bought a new style of cute undergarments because "you've never wore that style before so why are you suddenly wearing them?" so suspicious of me and what I was doing. And another time "it really hurt me the thought you want to date other people but I guess I deserve to hurt". These MLCers, or even just some cheaters in general, live in a weird, strange world where they are the stars of the show and everyone around them are backing actors just there to make them look good. If anyone steps off mark they are so shocked. Such goofballs. 

But....I'm feeling good. I feel like good things are ahead if I keep moving forward.

[Reinventing]

Fwiw I think you should take legal advice before reaching a decision. There are times in life when it’s wise to borrow a bit of someone else’s brain and imho this is one bc of the longer term consequences of your choice for your own financial future perhaps. It sounds as if the main thing that needs to be agreed is him buying you out of the house? Anything else?

I agree with this wholeheartedly. You don't have to contact him (your lawyer and his lawyer have contact). Don't throw away money for the current pain. I also went no contact--for a time--and it helped me tremendously. But I still kept moving the paperwork through the system so I got my fair share and I'm glad I did.

I got a system down where I would do some paperwork and then go for a walk, run, meet friends for lunch, etc to work through the pain. I managed my schedule so there was something that helped me survive and heal after each paperwork duty.

[Treasur]

Re the whole underwear/dating stuff….i suspect you are learning - and imho reduced contact helps with this bc it’s a hell of an adjustment - that sharing info (intentionally or otherwise) is pretty futile and often adds to the mindf••k. Futile bc we communicate (and all communication is essentially a kind of ‘bid’ like in cards) bc we assume a certain kind of response. And in these situations, what we receive is rarely what we were ‘bidding’ for, is it?

At a simple level tbh, these folks have now proven that they do not have positive constructive intent towards us and so can’t really be trusted with much information about us any longer. One might not understand why but eventually one can see the what, I think. Either they don’t care (when we think they should) or they make it about them (when it isn’t) or they respond inconsistently (which psychologically keeps us hooked on a system of unpredictable rewards) or they weaponise it (using info to feed either a blaming narrative or a legal process).

Safer and saner imho to share nothing or very little of significance with them - and find other more predictable humans with good intent to share with rather than people with such a skewed lens. But after often decades of more normal communication with that person, it takes most of us a bit of time and a bit of trial and error to see that and behave differently.

[BurnedBridge]

Thank you, Reinventing and Treasur!


I feel that completely, Treasur, that I can't trust him with anything. I feel like I could trust a stranger more than him. I have remained no contact, he's blocked everywhere and this week I blocked his family members from my Facebook as well. I want them completely blocked from my life which is sad because a big part of me loves him for who he was before all this. That man, who he was before all this, was an incredible person. I'm sad, not for me as much now, but for him that he is no longer that person because of all this. If he ever comes out of MLC, however long that takes, I think he will struggle to ever forgive himself or love himself. Before all this, kindness, caring about others and trying to be a good human were huge to him. He was always worried about seeming like a bad person. I'm so sad for him that he has become what he never wanted to be.

Journaling:

Ive been no contact except an email I had to send informing of a document he can expect. It was robotic. No 'hi' or 'thanks' just laying out the facts in as few, emotionless words as possible. It's so strange, like night and day because we used to share everything and never shied away from being emotional or anything like that. Our conversations were almost always lighthearted and playful but serious when necessary. It's just never how we spoke to each other. But I need him to know I want nothing to do with him outside of the logistics of our divorce and moving house. He has shown he is able to destroy me so easily with so little remorse. I could never associate with someone like that, purely from an emotional survival instinct point of view. He feels like an enemy almost, like the one person that has seriously wounded me. It's such a strange juxtaposition to the love that I know I will always carry for that man; at least for who he used to be.


Last night was the last night of moving things from my rental. Woohoooo! I'm done! My sister took me and we packed up the car and while we were there my H pulled up to the turn in to the cul-de-sac. He just sat there for 5-10 minutes then turned around. I took a few boxes in and out in that time he was sat there just looking at our driveway/where I and my sister were. It was odd. I did tell him weeks ago that a lockbox would be on the door and for him to drop off his key in it. That may have been why but the just sitting there watching was so odd. I feel like I would have just drove on by and come back later if the tables were turned, not just sit there. I think he may have been debating just trying to drop his key off, though the lockbox wasn't on the door yet, so he could wash his hands of it but also not wanting to come face-to-face with me, his personification of shame and guilt. So odd. He's such an avoidant. I'm the last person he could face right now, I think.

 It makes me feel like he's a coward. I know MLCers are not always in the best frame of mind. But if I hurt him how he hurt me, I would still face him. It would feel even more disrespectful to him for me not to face him, and run away. And that's exactly what he does. To be fair, I didn't want to see him. I was bothered he was even sat there. Almost embarrassed and wanted to hide in the car or house but I had to move boxes. 

I was a bit sad after. Not sure why. I haven't seen him in person in over a month now and while I couldn't see him as he was in the car, it was still odd, feeling so close to him. It left me with a range of emotions of missing him, embarrassment, wanting nothing to do with him, and resenting what he's done to us and that we will never get that back.

One positive is I am done with the rental house! I just have to wait for the lockbox to drop my keys off. I have been working on getting things there for weeks, pretty much since I decided to move forward with the divorce, so being done gives me such peace of mind and means I can relax for a few weeks and just focus on work, school and family while I let myself take some time away. Ever since bomb drop, it has felt like go, go, go.

Regarding the whole GAL thing - I went to a drag show this weekend! It was so much fun. I went with my sister and her MIL. I never dance in public but I was dancing. Maybe to the horror of those around me but we can't all be Charlie Chaplins can we? I also have concert tickets for October that I bought for myself and my sisters. Super exciting.

For my living situation, I'm living with my sister while I work to get back on my feet. I have had the security of a 2-income household and a home I partially owned ripped out from under me, plus the financial losses that will be happening while processing the divorce and mediation. It's a struggle at first for sure. I am saving for the next year, as my sister has so kindly let me stay with her. After that, I was going to get an apartment but the idea of an RV and having financial freedom at 30, besides paying for my lot at a long-term stay RV park along with necessities is super exciting to me from a financial standpoint. I would not only be able to save much more than if I were in an apartment but it gives me a chance to see where I want to go in life, maybe I want to live somewhere else entirely which it allows. Freedom.....that is one benefit of all this. I get to make all my decisions. My H would have never been up for living in an RV. EVER! He is about comfort, convenience and when it comes to his family, their impression of him and if he's successful or has nice things.  I've already been researching full-time RV living and finding work arounds, such as solar panel kits for added electric. My big goal next year was a solo RV trip to the Grand Canyon and back, with a lot of stops along the way. It will be a good time to test out the waters and see how it feels living that way with my pups.

[KayDee]

It makes me feel like he's a coward. I know MLCers are not always in the best frame of mind. But if I hurt him how he hurt me, I would still face him. It would feel even more disrespectful to him for me not to face him, and run away. And that's exactly what he does. To be fair, I didn't want to see him. I was bothered he was even sat there. Almost embarrassed and wanted to hide in the car or house but I had to move boxes. 

I completely get this. I had a discussion with my therapist about feeling that my H is weak. She mulled it over for a while (well, actually she winced a bit - obviously didn't quite agree ) She said it was more accurate to say he was an extremely confused man in complete turmoil. Maybe both is true. And I do believe that the crisis person suffers a lot, but it does not excuse the behviour IMO. I certainly waft between compassion and anger on this one. Less so now, as I inch towards full acceptance. If you think about this situation, with your H - would you even need to face him? Because would you have done this in the first place? I think we all get to a point when we see, with clearer eyes, just how extreme the crisis behaviour is. It's brutal. And, as is so often repeated here, there's no real making sense of it.

You sound good BB - an RV and the open road? Sounds like an adventure. Do make sure you give yourself enough time with big decisions. MLC can throw us into our own sort of crisis.

[MadLuv]

I just want to add on you giving yourself grace on it being only a month or so. That is incredibly short period of time. It took me 2 years to really feel like a human and  almost 3 for anxiety to ease. Now, I had 30 years and a death of a child in the mix of all this and so I really could not understand how he could pile more on my pain. Just know that you heal when you feel all the emotions and all the pain. So, if you do feel leas than strong in moments, days or weeks, well that is ok. This is a terrible trauma. Your doing better than I at the beginning. If I could have stayed in a curled position in a dark corner I would have.