[sachertorte]

I am sorry you are going through this. We've all been through this here. You are not alone. Hugs.

[AllieKat]

Thank you

[MadLuv]

It’s so hard, but for what ever reason he thinks his life will be better without you in it. So, let him leave. Let him have what he wants. The one thing I wish I could have let sink in right away was that. When someone has decided they want to leave there is nothing that can change their mindset but them. So, give him that space and silence to miss you. Anything else will work against you

[KayDee]

I’m know I should not be focusing on something my MLC husband said in text but its the one thing that I just can’t get out of my head.
I guess Im focusing on his words. Anyone have any input or advice on the things they say! I know ppl say don’t believe  anything they say but words hurt!! And his actions by being gone and etc seem to go along with the words

Try to remember that what he says comes from a very, very emotional mindset. IMO, it's less about lying and more about how they feel in that moment, which can be very changeable as their emotional states change wildly. When I was first BD'd, I was like you, holding on to how definite my H's words were. It was truly unfathomable and bewildering. I spent a lot of time with those phrases going through my mind. Then 11 months later he could not remember saying them. He truly did not believe he had said these things to me. I'm saying all this so that you can see these words through the prism of a person in crisis. BUT, what is true is his actions. He is running away from his life and probably, his shame. You are so integral to his life that alas, you are part of what he is running from. But, it is not really about you. It's about him. I think Madluv is right, give him the space. He has to work this out for himself. If you reflect on his coping strategies, maybe running away is his default when he is under duress?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

This is all very new to you and very painful. However, the hardest part is to accept that you are not the issue and you can't fix it.

For him to say he doesn’t want me to contact him in anyway ever again. Has shook me!

I wish it made sense. However, it doesn't and every story I read on the forum is just a reminder that how all of this shakes us all. Our spouses break up their families, discard friends and family, and pursue some mythical place of happiness that just doesn't exist.

I know it hurts, but you can't focus on him at all right now. You need to focus on your self care and stability. Seek the place where you can find even a moment of bliss. Please get rest , eat, and light exercise can all help get yourself grounded. Accept the no contact and don't break it. This will actually help your recovery in the long run as no contact is a safe place for you to be right now.

If he does reach out, wait until you have posted what he wrote and have a veteran assist you with a response and not a reaction.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[AllieKat]

You are all so kind snd so helpful I truly appreciate the responses and advice! Its comforting to hear. Even though it sucks!

[UrsaMajor]

He doesn't want to have contact with you because that means that he would have to face the consequences/results of his actions. That means guilt and accountability, neither of which the Mid-Lifer wants to have ANYTHING to do with.

Take him at his word and leave all contact to lawyers. Give him what he wants in that regard. Those too are the natural consequences of his actions. He doesn't get to play both sides of the game.

[AllieKat]

Does anyone have any experience with spouse saying awful things like don’t talk to me again and  than they eventually talk to you? I honestly am just having a difficult time with this! I mean when we had issue 9 years agonit took him 6-9 mths for us to get right again. He threatened divorce than too but he was at home so I at least saw him even if he didn’t talk. I have been reading, walking, getting therapy and focusing on myself but want some hope. My therapist doesn’t know anything about MLC so we barely even talk about my situation. I was so hoping to get this great FT job and they called today to tell me the lady who job was open decided to stay so it was no longer available but they offered me two other positions. Another strike for me. That coupled with the several items breaking, flooding and smoking around the house makes me feel like Im getting bad karma instead of H who walked out!!

[KayDee]

Hello Alliekat, I remember being where you are now, not so long ago. I really took my H for his word, but he didn't remember his words later on. Yes, I have had experience of him saying dramatic things - not that he won't talk to me again, but he did say we had no future, only to turn up again on the sofa a week later. But I don't think that is hope, because while in crisis, the words don't mean so much. Sorry. This is not a platitude - you are your own hope. You are a capable, compassionate and thoughtful person. You will find your centre and move forward. There's not much you can do about your H. He has things to deal with himself that are NOTHING to do with you. I know from experience that it is hard to see this when our eyes are filled with all the dust kicked up at BD, but for me, when things started to settle, I realized that I was carrying a lot for my H. And when he fell apart, I was still somehow carrying it.  It's not your fault, truly. Things will slowly become clearer in this regard.

My therapist doesn't speak specifically in terms of MLC - but that is a label, or umbrella term really. What she has been able to do is be an  'informed witness' to my H's behaviour. She does give some analysis but the focus is on my recovery. If your therapist is not able to do this, you might consider finding another?

Oh, and re the 'strikes' - it's probably just a perception thing. I found knocks so much harder in the wake of BD, but if you think about them, they are usually part of the normal ebb and flow of life. Another job door will likely open soon.

[Biscuit]

Allie,

Up until a few months ago my W would regularly text me things like, "don't ever speak to me about anything apart from the kids schedules again". She probably meant it as the words flowed out of her hands into the phone...... every single time if I didn't engage I got a friendly text from her within a minute, an hour or possibly even a day and then she wanted to be friendly and talk about anything else under the sun.

Sample of one obviously but as the HS saying goes, believe nothing of what they say and 50 percent of what they do.

B