[LC]

AllieKat,
I remember feeling depressed almost nonstop for two months after bomb drop back in April.  I think what made me feel better was gradually doing little things moving forward and to take control of my situation.  Little things like changing the bed around and hanging up different curtains. Making a list of what I needed financially and what I could provide for myself at the moment. I got legal advice and that made me feel better. It was easier to make a plan moving forward.  Be kind to yourself and be patient.  Over time there will be more good days than bad. The further down the road you get on this journey, the more you will discover your strengths and hidden talents. My H still drops a mini bomb here and there, but it doesn’t get to me as much as it used to. Well, I’m starting to ramble, so I should see what the kids are up to.
Hang in there,
We’re all on this same road together here.

[Treasur]

I am very sorry that you reached that point of action and very glad you did not succeed. How brave of you to share that point of rock bottom so honestly. And yes, as Xyzcf said, you are not alone and a number of us get it.

This life experience is staggeringly hard to walk through, isn’t it? It’s hard to even visualise a day in the future where things will feel better. Hard to know what to hope for. But there is an other side to all of this even if you can’t see it yet. Bc that’s how life naturally works - your job is to find whatever you need to stick around for long enough to see that other side. That’s all.

Please treat yourself as kindly as you would a best friend. Be gentle with yourself. Recognise that you are currently in the life equivalent of the ER. Do what you can. Pull back into a day at a time. Look for help and let yourself take it. Do you have an IC right now? I agree with Xyzcf about finding one who gets trauma. It’s amazing how feeling heard by someone who knows you’re not crazy, even if you feel like you are, can make.

Those of us who have been in your shoes send you our biggest best hugs. We know you’re not crazy, just overwhelmed and afraid. Keep going, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary….remember, your only job is to outlast this storm in your life long enough to see the first glimmers of sunlight. And it’s ok to do whatever is necessary to do that as long as it does not harm your body and spirit more.

[Treasur]

Oh, and a PS….if I recall rightly, you have seen a lawyer. If your h has cut off financial things and came into your home to take things, one of the things you need to do - even if you don’t want to - is tell your lawyer and find out what can be done about that. Legally, you and your h both have rights and obligations. Let your lawyer deal with that bit of the mess.

[marvin4242]

Just posting to update my sad story only because its therapy for me. My h financially cut me off on 9/11 and I didn’t take it well. I attempted suicide! I went into garage and ran lawn mower till I go sickly and couldn’t stand. I panicked and had my iPhone (siri) call 911! I was unresponsive when they arrived but I was helicoptered to Philly for treatment for carbon monoxide poisoning . Im here but still miserable! I was held in psychiatric ward for week. All it did was make things worse. My only child isn’t speaking to me an my husband used my absence to move all his things out and cut off cable/wifi!

Why do I feel like i cant accept losing him!! I just cant believe this is my life. I had hope he’d change mind but now reality has hit and im not sure thats even possible and heck why would he want to? I look like a crazy person!!!

First I am so sorry you are in so much distress and pain. I think most of us here really get it as we have had some version of how you feel.

Having said that and without any judgment I want to urge you to immediately get help and support for the short term with the level of distress that drove you to attempt to harm yourself. I want to be clear its not that what you feel is not OK, rather you are somewhere right now where professional help is immensely helpful.

You have gotten great advice about financial and personal care to get you through this, I want to urge adding a professional to help with as Treasur put it well “life equivalent of ER.”

Is this an option for you?

[UrsaMajor]

Oh, and a PS….if I recall rightly, you have seen a lawyer. If your h has cut off financial things and came into your home to take things, one of the things you need to do - even if you don’t want to - is tell your lawyer and find out what can be done about that. Legally, you and your h both have rights and obligations. Let your lawyer deal with that bit of the mess.

^^^^THIS!^^^^

Basically, if he has moved out, this could be considered theft in some parts of the US as you were not there and there is no agreement on the removal of things from the house.

[Nas]

I’m sure the past week or so has been really frightening and overwhelming. If you to take a look at any discharge plan you were given when you were released, I’m hopeful that there were suggestions and plans for at least an outpatient follow up, if not an outpatient day program. And hopefully these suggestions were made by the staff based upon What they knew of you at the time of your admission regarding insurance or no insurance etc. I really want to encourage you to make this your priority. Right now you are overwhelmed with fear and pain, but this can help you move from that place and once you are under the care of someone who can help you deal with the immediate risk, they can also assist you in what feels like the unbearable task of attacking the legal aspects of your financial security. Please know that you are important and matter on your own, no matter what choices he’s making.

[xyzcf]

Saying hello to you and let us know how you are.

The support here, shows that you are not alone and that this is an extremely traumatic event in our lives. We also have our our past history that contributes to what we are experiencing now...past loss, past rejection, abandonment and abuse......triggers which cause us to go into fight/flight/freeze.

Your nervous system is in the "freeze" aspect...possibly experiencing dissociation, numbness, depression, helplessness, shut down, hopelessness..feeling overwhelmed and "I can't". The body can self regulate and there are several techniques that can help.

https://www.reidstellcounseling.com/uploads/1/3/9/3/13938466/polyvagal_chart.pdf

I am sorry that you felt like there was no way out other than to end your life...I am very glad you did not succeed.

[AllieKat]

Today Im just existing! I filed for spousal support and made appts for financial help till I get up on my feet! Thing is im not mad at him! I just miss him!!! I feel like he must be suffering too. I just don’t want to believe that he is good with this all. Oddly enough some money from his work was put in bank today. It was reimbursement for gas and travel. Nothing major but I thought it was odd it went in joint account. I have a therapist I see regularly but I think I need psychiatrist too. I think I need something for depression.

I hear hubby on ring cam talking to my daughter while I was in patient and he is very normal sounding. I often wonder if it was even mid life crisis he’s going through or just was tired of dealing with me and my insecurity. I question and analyze everything and I look forward to when I wont! I start a new job on Monday and have debated packing up car and just driving away from here and running away! Crazy huh?

[Reinventing]

No, that is not crazy. Many of us have wanted to do the same. It's a normal flight response wish.

[marvin4242]

AllieKat it is so important right now for you to be kind to yourself, and accept that with everything that is going on your fight/flight, your mind, your emotions are all simultaneously probably in overdrive and numb at the same time. So all these thoughts and questions you are having are unfortunately understandable.

So just keep focusing on "existing" and taking one small tiny step or thing at a time. IF you can try to minimize and stop yourself from overthinking, over analyzing, and just be. I know it's very hard to do, but you can try your best. And if you can get some meds to help that is a great idea, it won't be forever but it may really help take the edge off for now.

But as others have said please use any and all resources that are available. Nas pointed out there may be some guidance on the follow up papers. Try to find support groups or engage your therapist to get more options to get support.

And keep posting here if it helps, here you have a lot of wise and kind people who understand at least some of what you are going through.