[Treasur]

Ironically, as they review their old marriage and seek more emotional detachment, a lot of LBS start googling ‘codependency’ and using it as a negative label about themselves. Whereas usually imho most LBS are not codependent so much as dealing with the severing of a deep attachment and grieving for it with a side dish of trauma response.

Quite a lot of MLCers however do seem to have a track record of a high ish level of codependency, both practically and emotionally. At the more extreme end, this tends to leave people unaware of where they end and others begin or that how they feel is how others feel. And vice versa. So, I suppose in happier days, we LBS were fantastic; in unhappy days, therefore, we must a) be the problem and b) feel similar to how they feel. And that can throw up some truly weird projections that leave most LBS scratching their heads. So, for instance, I remember my former h (who I’d just found out had stolen money from our accounts and had an ow) saying that he really wanted to talk to me but felt he couldn’t trust me……

Can’t see any problem with your quiet rebuttal as long as you do not expect it to have much effect on her thoughts or actions.

[Baxter1]

TS-

If it’s any consolation you are not alone in this. I got ILYB speech then it was silence. For about 8 months after BD she left the house. She would leave for days, partying line it was 1999. Trips, bars, going places she would have never gone in her previous life. Then I found out about the affair, it was all so devastating! The advice given by the vets here is so true:detach.
By that I mean don’t look at her behavior or worry about what she’s doing. Also the kids need you more than ever. After BD I was like a single dad, it was the worst but also the best since it brought be and my sons A LOT closer.
Good luck on this journey, know you’re not alone, it’s been 1.5 years for me and if we have a 1 minute conversation that’s a good day. Last thing the Hearts Blessings Book is the best, that and Kendas Detach and Thrive program have helped me (along with awesome people here too of course!)

[Tailspin]

The wealth of knowledge from experience is great.  I'm saddened by what has happened to everyone here but it at least let's me know that I'm not alone in my thoughts and experience.   
My wife's altered perception of our marriage really leaves me feeling low some days.  The not talking only adds to my heartache.  Detachment has helped emensely but there is still a sadness whenever I answer questions the kids have about what will be happening and iving arrangements.   
There are days I feel like just giving in and being done standing hecause I feel no emotions ever anymore from her.  Her hurtful words strike at my soul when she justifies her bad behavior.   I always seem to come back here to understand it's all part of the process.   I can't  say I ever stopped loving her even though the roughest days.  Just hurts and everyone says to be done with her.

[Tailspin]

It's very interesting to hear things that people in MLC believe and say.  It's almost a distorted logic that their brains seems to make sense of.  I was looking back at some journal notes from my ongoing journey and I saw something I wrote about 4 months after BD.  Wife had said to me she wanted to get moving with the divorce and that we could still do all the holidays together as a family afterward.  She even said she could come to the house to cook dinners for the kids and be out before I came home from work so it would be like nothing changed.  Looking around here I see many people have stories like this.  Gives real insight to how MLC distorts world views and dynamics. 

[UrsaMajor]

Oh yes, the good old "We'll all be BFF's and just like a normal family - just we'll be divorced" nonsense. I got that too..... My reply was possibly a little bit harsher than yours..... "I don't have friends that I allow to treat me the way you have treated me since BD." <smh>  Se didn't like that answer very much.... Gee.... Imagine my surprise.... 

[FaithWalker]

Yes, very distorted.  I got the "you'll always be an <<<insert surname here>>> as if nothing would change in my family dynamics with in-laws etc.  "No, MLCer, your choice to divorce me totally changes things."  I did choose to keep that surname because my kids have that surname too, but I wanted to say "You don't know if I will always be an <<<insert surname>>>, if I get re-married or choose to go back to my maiden name, that's really nunya"

[Evermore]

Oh yeah, I completely get ya on the strangeness of them thinking things will continue on as they were. After we had sold our house and I moved (with one of our daughters) into the little rental house we had built next door, xH moved all his 'shed stuff' from the old house into the 'new house' shed and set it up as though it was his new shed. He put the shadow board up behind the workbench, arranged all his tools on it, set everything up in the shelving, talked about getting the power put on so he had a light over the workbench. So so weird. 5 years later it's all still just like that (quite soon that might be changing but that's another story).

[LBSinUSA]

I got the whole "Oh well still do family trips to Disney and such" talk myself. 

My reaction was "Are you out of your f***** mind?  Do you have any conception of how insane that sounds?" 

[xyzcf]

There are many ways to interact with the MLCer and yes, some of that includes family vacations together. We have done it several times and will continue to do so. I know others who have as well.

I do not see us as “ friends” . I do not ask him for any help or advice. I am cautious around him and it’s not like friendships I have with others.

When we are away, people would never know that we were not a couple.

This is not a “ normal” breakup, what ever that is.  If you think MLC  is a real thing, you might be more inclined to accept them in this state and allow them to be included with family times..vacations and holidays such as Christmas included.

[Tailspin]

This is not a “ normal” breakup, what ever that is.  If you think MLC  is a real thing, you might be more inclined to accept them in this state and allow them to be included with family times..vacations and holidays such as Christmas included.

I see your point there.  My main issue is that I have no interaction with my wife as she 100 percent ignores me and avoids me in the same house with our kids.  So having that, I couldn't understand how she thought we can do Xmas together.  Add the adultery in there and I really can't see how this works.  You are a better person than me.  I accept her MLC and that she filed for divorce at this point, but I personally can't do holidays with someone acting like this.
Christmas last year (Few months after BD) was awkward.  She had said she didn't want to exchange gifts with each other.  She was cold and made it a point to not take any family photos.  She took a few pics of the kids and the dog.  She then posted on FB of her and the kids.  She wanted to portray the life as a single mom while married.  So weird.