[Treasur]

I would think most of us hit a point where it felt like this. It’s as if the love stuffing gets knocked out of you, isn’t it? An odd feeling. But a normal one too tbh. And a stage one passes through to something else eventually, I think.

On a very practical level, you have spent years building one kind of life and then someone you built it with blew most of it up. And so, slowly, you find yourself having to build a new one even though you were given no voice in that. Regardless of how you feel about your ex/spouse, that’s a big thing to work through. Like getting on a plane to Madrid with all your summer clothes and sangria plans and finding yourself diverted to Norway for no apparent reason….Norway may end up having lots of delightful things but for a while it’s just Not Madrid and you are full of WTF about how the pilot could just divert without you even having a say…..

[Biscuit]

Love the analogy Treasur

[Tailspin]

Like getting on a plane to Madrid with all your summer clothes and sangria plans and finding yourself diverted to Norway for no apparent reason….Norway may end up having lots of delightful things but for a while it’s just Not Madrid and you are full of WTF about how the pilot could just divert without you even having a say…..

I wish I could pin that analogy.  So True. 

Someone had asked me how long you think before you're going to start dating after the divorce.  I honestly knew at that point that people out of this site have no understanding what really is happening.  No matter how I explain things they still treat it as a fight gone horribly wrong or a problematic marriage. 

[Tailspin]

Journaling:

So last night I come to find out my wife stopped paying for my kid's club activities a year ago.  Right at BD she decided to longer pay for these activities.  Meanwhile she was taking money from our joint account and telling me she was using it to pay for these same activities.  Apparently, these clubs were sending her letters and emails, and I wasn't on those because she usually handled many of the kids' stuff like this.
What I find interesting was throughout this whole thing she kept randomly accusing me of trying to hide money and going out to meet up with another women (Meanwhile I was heading to my friends to help fix his car with a greasy shirt on).   Never made sense till now because I never did either.  Someone here had said their spouse did the same thing accusing you of what they were actually doing.  All the things are popping into my head randomly. 
The lies are built on lies and those are all lies.  Saddens me deeply that nothing is truthful anymore. 

[forthetrees]

That is a textbook case of projection. Argh.

[Biscuit]

Tailspin,

I had a similar feeling when my W accused me of various things, objectifying women, being a misogynist, only being interested in one thing from women. Only to discover that these were exactly the sorts of behaviours she had been displaying (replace women for men and mysogynist for misandrist) recently.
As well as these accusations, which cut me very deeply as I would actually describe myself as a feminist - or as close to a feminist as a male can get - there were a raft of other things I was accused of - which I wasn't doing but my W was. I'm not sure why this happens to a person in crisis, but my own theory is that some of these folks are so co-dependant that the things they do or think are assumed to be also the thoughts and actions of the person they are dependant on. Not sure if that makes sense? It's like they can't see where they end and you start?
It feels utterly bonkers though, to be challenged in such a way, it's crazy making and definitely helps to destabilize the LBS, particularly right after BD.
I even bought a load of feminist literature straight after BD. After reading it I realised pretty quickly, that I was none of those things, although I did learn a lot about male bias in society and the patriarchy - so at least something was gained!

[Treasur]

That is a textbook case of projection. Argh.

I’d never really experienced the reality of how WTF projection is until post BD. I recall my xh talking about how he really wanted to ‘repair our marriage’ but was worried he couldn’t trust ME. I was bewildered by that….until I learned later what HE’D been doing at the time. It’s a strange kind of codependency almost, isn’t it, when they seem to believe that you must be u happy bc they are and can’t be trusted bc they aren’t trustworthy.

An odd thing to experience but sadly very normal in experiences here. It’s why is oldsters sometimes must sound like a bag of crazy when we try to say, no matter how gently, that new LBS should prepare themselves for an AP in the mix and lock down their financial exposure as much as they can and not continue to assume something is true just bc their MLC spouse says it. And pretty much to a man or woman, most of us react initially with some version of ‘but MY spouse would NEVER….’. Until we find out like you that the previously inconceivable is a hard fact.

What I want to touch on though is what you said about nothing being truthful. Bc most of us struggle with that concept at least for a while. It isn’t true. YOU were truthful, Tailspin, your part of the relationship, the reality of your kids and your part of the life you built? Those things were true. Tbh logically some of your spouses half of your relationship was probably true pre/BD too…you just don’t know which bits. Well unless your w is/was a textbook sociopath and that’s statistically unlikely.

Post BD? Trickier bc they lie such a lot about so much that one tends to lean towards the assumption that everything is untrue but sometimes, at least in the moment, and maybe we don’t want to hear it, they probably do say things that are true-ish about what they want and how they feel. And their projections are like big fat breadcrumbs lol. Takes most of us quite a while to pick through that….but you will find your own way of looking at that/her. Certainly - and very weirdly - there was a time with my former h when if he had said the sky was blue, I really would have had to check that independently! Bc he lied like breathing. Lied like a small child caught in the biscuit tin with chocolate round his mouth. Lied when I couldn’t even see what advantage he got from it. It was very very strange.

But I know the difference between truth and lies. And I know when I am doing one or the other. I even have a pretty decent instinct over time when people are not trustworthy. So do you.

[Biscuit]

Just around BD my wife asked me to get some different green paints for the bedroom to try a new colour scheme. Which I dutifully did.
One of them she didn’t like and she said - Biscuit why did you get blue paint? I wanted green. The colour description on this particular tin was Pure Green!!
I can lol about it now but that flummoxed me completely!!

[Tailspin]

That is a textbook case of projection. Argh.

That's the word I was looking for.  Thanks

I’d never really experienced the reality of how WTF projection is until post BD. I recall my xh talking about how he really wanted to ‘repair our marriage’ but was worried he couldn’t trust ME. I was bewildered by that….until I learned later what HE’D been doing at the time. It’s a strange kind of codependency almost, isn’t it, when they seem to believe that you must be u happy bc they are and can’t be trusted bc they aren’t trustworthy.

This is exactly how I felt.  It really threw me for loop because at the time I thought I was still dealing with the person I once knew.  The past few days I really have thought about all the things she said I was and in reality, it was what she was feeling about herself.  One thing she kept saying was that I have "High anxiety".  She never in all our years of marriage said that to me.  I actually called a bunch of friends and asked them for their honest opinion if I ever seemed like a person with high anxiety.  They all laughed and said they never saw it or felt it.  In all honesty I started getting a complex that all these odd things were true and I didn't know.  In the coming months my wife would break down in the car in front of the kids and they told me she was saying that she was beyond stressed and freaked out.  She would then tell them not to tell me she was crying.   

I'm not sure why this happens to a person in crisis, but my own theory is that some of these folks are so co-dependant that the things they do or think are assumed to be also the thoughts and actions of the person they are dependant on. Not sure if that makes sense? It's like they can't see where they end and you start?
It feels utterly bonkers though, to be challenged in such a way, it's crazy making and definitely helps to destabilize the LBS, particularly right after BD.

It really threw me for a loop too.  Why was I being accused of all these things when I had never done any of them?  I asked her multiple times why she was saying it and each time got a slightly different answer.  I felt so off balance and confused for a while. 

[Tailspin]

As I enjoy this crisp fall morning I can't help but think what a year this has been.  1 year since bomb drop officially.  While I have made progress I still hold a deep sadness in my heart.  I just stuggle with watching someone have absolutely no feelings, emotions, or care for their spouse of almost 18 years.  I feel invisible.  I honestly feel it would be easier if she was moved out.  Do these people really have nothing?  Not a piece of remorce? 
I had hoped this BD anniversary would different.  I planned a day hiking with my kids to keep myself busy.  My brother and I worked out this morning at 530.  I guess today I hope to exhaust myself enough to fall asleep early.   
I know Hearts blessings said deep down in them the person you once knew is in there.  Just hurts....
Have blessed day everyone.  Enjoy life and little moments.