[Tailspin]

So, I have been here looking at post for 10 months and decided I wanted to share my story.
Wife (45F) bomb dropped me (M49) in October 2023.  Standard ILYBNILWY.  The months preceding this were very chaotic to say the least and at the time had no idea what MLC even was.  Those 2 months were extreme anger and confusion that she wouldn’t talk about.  She also had started peri-mesopause at the time.  Two months after bomb drop she completely stopped talking to me. That freaked the kids out to say the least.   We live in the same house with 2 children (14F and 11M).  This past July (2024) she filed for divorce and had me served.  The only time she has spoken to me is about divorce.  Said she’s been unhappy for years but never told me.  Said that was her bad.  If she really was, I didn’t see it.  We had great times with our families and seemed to have a great marriage.  I still have cards and loving emails for those years. 
About 2 months ago I found out about her affair.  It’s another married man that we know who is short tempered, angry, and generally not a great person.  She denies till this day, but I found texts, chats, and gifts.  It devastated me as she was once a person that would hate on anyone who did things like that.  She is 180 degrees the person she was.  Now she parties on the weekends and works out to be super skinny to wear tight cloths not appropriate for her age.
A neighbor of mine recently commented that in talking to my wife she seemed to have a teenager type mentality.  He said it was like speaking to a 15-year-old. 
Every time I talk to her, she finds another thing that she hates about me.  Some are so trivial.  One was “You were cranky last year one night on vacation, and it really bothered me”.  Another complaint she had was that I only help people for praise.
I had tried marriage counseling knowing that it doesn’t work in MLC and the therapist ended it after 38 minutes stating she can’t work with wife as she was showing now real effort and a constant anger.  I had to call her the following day to apologize for my wife’s behavior as it was so over the top disrespectful.  Upon telling the kids about the upcoming divorce she was emotionless like it was just another checkmark to get done.  I balled my eyes out in the garage afterwards knowing what my kids were feeling.  The only emotion she seems to have ever shown since this thing started is anger.
Anyone ever experience the no talking and excessive anger like this?  I have dropped the emotional rope and done no contact and it doesn’t even bother her.  It took me a real good amount of time to do that as I always liked to hash things out.  My kids said she is an emotional wreck at times that I don’t see and she tells them she is beyond stressed.  Any insight on this would be appreciated.  I love my wife and family and still feel like this is all a bad dream.  Thanks.

[AllieKat]

Im very sorry for what your dealing with! Im going through a situation with my spouse who I think is in MLC! Have you heard of the wife expert!! Ive talked to her and signed up for her videos plus every two weeks she does a zoom meeting. I’ve learned alot. Unfortunately my spouse isnt home he is staying aka hiding at work! You can google ger and even look on you tube as she posts videos on there. It could help !! I wish you luck!!

[Tailspin]

I just found her page.  Thanks for the information.  I have been looking at Heart's Blessings page and it's been a real God send. 

[Treasur]

So, I have been here looking at post for 10 months and decided I wanted to share my story.
Wife (45F) bomb dropped me (M49) in October 2023.  Standard ILYBNILWY.  The months preceding this were very chaotic to say the least and at the time had no idea what MLC even was.  Those 2 months were extreme anger and confusion that she wouldn’t talk about.  She also had started peri-mesopause at the time.  Two months after bomb drop she completely stopped talking to me. That freaked the kids out to say the least.   We live in the same house with 2 children (14F and 11M).  This past July (2024) she filed for divorce and had me served.  The only time she has spoken to me is about divorce.  Said she’s been unhappy for years but never told me.  Said that was her bad.  If she really was, I didn’t see it.  We had great times with our families and seemed to have a great marriage.  I still have cards and loving emails for those years. 
About 2 months ago I found out about her affair.  It’s another married man that we know who is short tempered, angry, and generally not a great person.  She denies till this day, but I found texts, chats, and gifts.  It devastated me as she was once a person that would hate on anyone who did things like that.  She is 180 degrees the person she was.  Now she parties on the weekends and works out to be super skinny to wear tight cloths not appropriate for her age.
A neighbor of mine recently commented that in talking to my wife she seemed to have a teenager type mentality.  He said it was like speaking to a 15-year-old. 
Every time I talk to her, she finds another thing that she hates about me.  Some are so trivial.  One was “You were cranky last year one night on vacation, and it really bothered me”.  Another complaint she had was that I only help people for praise.
I had tried marriage counseling knowing that it doesn’t work in MLC and the therapist ended it after 38 minutes stating she can’t work with wife as she was showing now real effort and a constant anger.  I had to call her the following day to apologize for my wife’s behavior as it was so over the top disrespectful.  Upon telling the kids about the upcoming divorce she was emotionless like it was just another checkmark to get done.  I balled my eyes out in the garage afterwards knowing what my kids were feeling.  The only emotion she seems to have ever shown since this thing started is anger.
Anyone ever experience the no talking and excessive anger like this?  I have dropped the emotional rope and done no contact and it doesn’t even bother her.  It took me a real good amount of time to do that as I always liked to hash things out.  My kids said she is an emotional wreck at times that I don’t see and she tells them she is beyond stressed.  Any insight on this would be appreciated.  I love my wife and family and still feel like this is all a bad dream.  Thanks.

Yes to both anger and silence. More of the latter than the former tbh. Interspersed with the odd burst of ‘woe is me’. Long periods of silence, months at a time. Same approach pretty much when it came to the divorce process he filed for, picking up his stuff, selling the house etc etc. Even now, looking back, it was bizarre and frustrating.
But it wasn’t created by me, it wasn’t my choice (until later I chose NC for my own well-being lol)…,and I couldn’t control it. One can’t force someone to talk to you after all.

But what one CAN do is disengage when/if people are nasty, insulting or angry. She’s entitled to her opinion but you’re not obliged to listen to it - one of the benefits of divorce forcing you to retire from the husband job. And one can adapt one’s expectations….initiate less interaction, ask her less, tell her less, get busy doing other things in other places, stick to basic factual information and walk away from any spew or sadz on her part.

Why don’t we do that, especially initially? It’s a kind of bargaining I think bc some bit of us wants to believe that we have a bit more influence than it usually turns out we have, that some bit of them surely is about more than just Me Me Me, that if we can find the right words or tough it out, things will go back to how they once were.

I know you know that this is very rarely how it goes. Sorry.
 
And when you have those moments of doubt or wondering if you are nuts, remember what your neighbour said. He/she no more made your wife act like a teenager than you did….and whilst she may be behaving like a metaphorical teenager with a car, booze habit and a credit card etc etc, she’s not YOUR teenager and you are not her parent.

So, if you didn’t create the hurricane and you can’t control it, what can you do? Accept the reality of the hurricane, make as safe a place to shelter as you can and protect you and your kids in whatever way is in your control. And, just like a real hurricane, that tends to involve some grieving over what the hurricane has destroyed so far and some uncertainty over what you will rebuild on the other side.

Sounds as if you are currently under the same roof and I imagine that is very hard. Have you taken legal advice on your options about that? Any way you can get her to move out? Any disadvantage to you legally if you do so? Or any way to live more separately in your current house if it is big enough? Laws vary a lot on this particularly if you jointly own your home.

If you knew 100% that you are going to end up divorced, what would you do differently right now to protect your kids and yourself and your futures from the damaging effects of your wife’s current behaviour? And if you were going to start living day to day more as if you were already divorced, what might that look like? Any thoughts, big or small?

I’m so sorry. This experience and this season of your life sucks like a big sucky thing called Mr Suck. No way round that, I’m afraid. We get it, we survived it, some of us are still in it. But imho - like quite a lot of deeply sucky things in life - the only way out is through and that tends to require a certain embracing of the reality of the Big Suck.

Keep posting. Let us know how we can best support you as you go.

[Treasur]

Oh and a PS. Please don’t feel again that you need to apologise for your wife’s behaviour. Bc her behaviour is not your responsibility. Sounds like your MC had good boundaries and was quite experienced. Don’t know if you are seeing your own IC, or if that MC does individual work, but quite a lot of folks here have found it really helpful to have a safe space to think out loud. Well, other than here lol.

[Tailspin]

Thanks Treasur
You nailed everything in what you said.  At first my soul was crushed that the person I've done everything in my life for just felt it was ok to just stop communicating.  It's only when I read and learned about MLC did I finally begin to accept it and begin my own journey as a LBS.  It still really hurts at times though.  I am seeing a therapist and am lucky to have a great support network of family and friends.   
I have a lawyer now and am going through all the motions and gathering of paperwork.  Wife's lawyer said she wants it done ASAP which means nothing to me because I need to protect my kids and future.  Her family members have actually reached out and were very upset about everything.  They can't figure it out either. 
I have written a number of letters over the past few months (Due to her not speaking) and haven't even gotten a response.  None had any pressures as I read a lot about not coming across that way.  Never heard anything back on any of them.  It's hard being in a pattern like this.  The kids are confused too.  Very scared about the future and I can't blame them.  Life is going to be drastically different.
The one thing I can say is that my faith has greatly strengthened throughout this.  I have a greater understanding of so many thing because I was forced to view them through another prism.  I am thankful for that portion.  I know God has a plan for everyone.  Sometimes you can't see the bigger picture.  We live by God's timing and not our own. 

[Treasur]

There is something rather soul-crushing about being unseen and unheard and rejected seemingly for even just existing by the adult human you have perhaps shared most of yourself and maybe most of your adult life with. There’s a reason why solitary confinement is used as both punishment and torture, isn’t there?

Right now, your wife does not want to see or hear you or read your written thoughts, it seems. My h was much the same - tbh if he could have pressed a button and erased my existence, he might have done so. Or that’s how it felt. As if my existence irritated him and he saw absolutely not one scrap of value in me even as a human being, let alone as his partner of 20 years. Of course I have no way of knowing what he actually did think then, or thinks now, but that was the vibe oozing off him and how he behaved for a couple of years. It’s a very strange experience, isn’t it?

I remember that feeling of being so full of words and questions and feelings that felt as if they had no place to go. I wrote a lot in my journal (long since burnt) and in draft letters/emails that I wrote but never sent.(long since deleted). It helped me to be less exposed to his, idk, hatred? contempt?, and to spend time with other people who did seem to think I was a pretty nice egg all things considered!

[Tailspin]

Treasur
I'm so sorry for you.  It really sad that these folks act like this and discard us.  I will add you to my ever growing list of folks I pray for. 
Nothing seems to make sense to me or the kids.  I have over the past few months begun to feel bad for wife even with her cheating.   She's a lost a soul who's heading for real problems with a dirtbag boyfriend.   He's not leaving his wife and for some reason she's still going for it.  Imagine that...

[Treasur]

  Well, I never turn my nose up at prayers
But truthfully, I am no longer in need of them to the same degree. And my heart breaks a little for those of you who are still in the early stages bc I remember how truly awful it was. But there is an other side to it eventually and that’s part of the reason why I still show up here to support folks bc others did it for me. There’s something strangely lovely about virtual strangers showing up in your darkest days, I think, a little glimmer of hope that not all the world is unkind and that this time too shall pass (eventually) for you as it did for me and others here.

[Tailspin]

Amen sister.  It's appreciated.  Not many people know the struggles and sadness that MLC brings to the LBS and family.   I thought my case was unique with the no talking.  You made me feel better with your knowledge.   Who knows what the coming months will bring.   Just need to face it and accept knowing sometimes things weren't meant to be.  Thats the hard part.