[xyzcf]

I understand. She is living in the same house and totally ignoring you... after BD, my husband lived in foreign countries. The first Christmas after BD was horrible, he wasn't with us the 2nd and third...but then he called my daughter up the next year, a few days before Christmas  crying, he had no place to go. So we included him.

Our daughter also lives in another country. He was all over the world at that time and it made sense for us to be together at Christmas, logically it would not have been easy to split time with her ...so there were some situational reasons why this started.

He's grown closer and has always remained in touch with me.  I healed and became less triggered by his presence. To have family time together made sense and so we started taking our daughter and husband away on vacation.

He doesn't want to be married to me ...but he seems to still want me somehow in his life. There are women I am sure, but no one that he is with on a regular basis, no one he has introduced to our daughter.

It's not for everyone, I just wanted people here to know that it is possible to include them in your life if that makes sense.

It is as you said "weird"...the whole thing is weird. You just cannot make this up.

I don't think that either the MLCer or LBSer have an easy time, the crisis ruins so very much that was good and beautiful...tragic really. What just popped into my head, was a poster I had in my room when I was a teenager...crazy how thoughts end up there...it read

"What though the radiance that was once so bright, be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind."  William Wordsworth

LOL, I also had a poster with a cat hanging from a bar that said "hang in there baby!"

Sorry, these thoughts just popped into my head.

I am not a better person than you or anyone else. I do live my faith which has become stronger through this ....and Christ tells us we must love one another as I have loved you...and that includes your enemies and those who hurt you...and that is what guides me.

Adultery is horrific....and very difficult to live through. It also seems that this is a "symptom" of their crisis and that the OW/OM really are not anything special to them. I just read an article in the newspaper of surviving adultery so that part might not be as significant if they ever get through their crisis...but it is something that will be forever etched on our hearts.

I always have and tell others, follow your own inner voice...you know what is best for you and for your family.

[Tailspin]

I am not a better person than you or anyone else. I do live my faith which has become stronger through this ....and Christ tells us we must love one another as I have loved you...and that includes your enemies and those who hurt you...and that is what guides me.

XYZCF - This is what I aspire to live to.  It's hard at times and I know it's the right thing.  I have learned to hold back some angry thoughts and things I wanted to say because I think that this is the way God wants us to live. 

[Tailspin]

So, I see many folks here had the same experience of their spouse not speaking to them anymore.  Any recommendations on how to handle the question of why when asked by the kids?  My kids continue to ask, and I say, "Mommy is going through something right now".  Lately that doesn't satisfy their need to understand.  They are too young to understand MLC. 

[sachertorte]

In retrospect, one big reason my xH won't speak to me was he knew how deeply in love and attached I was. He was right in that any scrap of attention he accorded me just fed my hope. He was terrified that this would make me harder to divorce, and more viciously vindictive once I came to accept reality, with the love turning into hatred.

(Little did he know me. But then again, as someone who later on admitted to me was a control freak (without the least bit prompting from me) he could not see things any other way. I think it must be hard to be that way.)

I don't know what the solution is there, except that it helps to know their motivation.

With regard to telling our kids, I told my teen daughter "Dad and I are both doing great things and modeling good behavior. He wants to explore new vistas and have the courage to venture into the big wide world, and I want to hold on to familiar and beloved ones, and have the resolve to embrace my convictions." This proved to help sustain their relationship, as I think he could not bear the guilt of her seeing him as abandoning his family for selfish reasons.

However, at least my daughter was already 15. What I just said may hurt your kids deeply, since no pursuit of any life goal by a parent can be justified when the they pay the price of being left at such a young age. You may want to consult therapists and pastors/priests? Sorry this is so hard. Hugs.

[Treasur]

So, I see many folks here had the same experience of their spouse not speaking to them anymore.  Any recommendations on how to handle the question of why when asked by the kids?  My kids continue to ask, and I say, "Mommy is going through something right now".  Lately that doesn't satisfy their need to understand.  They are too young to understand MLC.

How old are your kids?
Forgive me, I can’t recall in your situation, but has your wife actually filed for divorce? And if so, do your kids know that is happening?

Imho one of the transitions that LBS make is when we stop describing to others what our MLC spouse is thinking. Partly bc it’s no longer our job to do so. Mostly tbh bc we don’t/can’t know.

What questions are they asking you?
And do you know some of the answers yet? Or not bc it is too early to know?
Tbh kids tend to ask questions in a way that often tells you what they want and need to know, and often (bc they are kids) that is more about how their lives will be affected…..where they live, school, what will stay the same, what might change etc etc.

Again jmo, but for big and small humans, the root is about the need to feel safe, I think. And to know that it isn’t your fault that this bad thing is happening.
What CAN you tell them that you DO know to be the truth?
Bc again jmo, but in confusing and uncertain times, the factual truth matters a great deal. It’s how we get a sense of solid ground under our feet, even if we don’t like the ground. It’s why gaslighting (statements that fly in the face of what we see and hear for ourselves) is so destabilising. And it would be easy I’d imagine as a normal protective parent in a far from normal situation to inadvertently do that…to say mummy loves them when she doesn’t act like it, to say that more bad things won’t happen when you can’t know yet, to say you won’t be getting divorced if it’s possible that you might.

So I would tell them the age appropriate facts the best way you can. Without embroidery and without claiming to know or understand things you don’t/can’t or needing them to see things exactly the way you see them. And that probably excludes what mummy is thinking or planning to do or why she is doing it  (only mummy can answer those questions and she may not want to do so and may lie of course, and you can’t control that). Can be useful, based on others experience here, to get advise from an IC who works with kids that age…..have you looked into that?

[Tailspin]

@Treasur - The kids are 14 and 11.  The main questions they ask relate to my wife not even acknowledging me and her anger towards me.  We have told them about the divorce and my younger son took it harder.  My older daughter was upset but said she knew it was coming when my wife stopped speaking to me.  They have a hard time (As do I) as to how this all happened when our family was so close and loving.  It was like a switch went off and this new anger and hatred invaded our home.  I have been taking the method that you stated about having them ask mommy directly.  She never really answers them.  She mainly changes the subject. 

In retrospect, one big reason my xH won't speak to me was he knew how deeply in love and attached I was. He was right in that any scrap of attention he accorded me just fed my hope. He was terrified that this would make me harder to divorce, and more viciously vindictive once I came to accept reality, with the love turning into hatred.

This is very insightful as I'm thinking this may be what my wife is feeling.  I told her that I will stand for our marriage till the end and she got really mad at that.  She told me a dozen times "I don't love you, and you need to accept that".  That really hurt.  I simply responded that I heard you the first time and there is no need to keep saying it. 

[Tailspin]

So, a bit of journaling

This weekend was my son's baseball tournament that we had months ago planned to be our vacation as there was an amusement park nearby and plenty of activities in the area.  My wife 2 weeks before leaving to go had informed me that she booked her own room.   I figured she would do something like that.  So 3 days before we leave, she told the kids that she would be going herself (own car) and only going for the baseball games and not anything else.  My kids were really upset.  They have been looking fwd to this trip as they haven't done anything else this summer besides the day trips I have done with them. 
I did the amusement park for 2 days with the kids myself and we did meet up with a lot of the other families that had the same idea.  My wife made it the night before the game and decided to go to dinner with the other families and not me and the kids.  That really angered my kids.  The following 2 days my wife ignored me in front of the team and barely interacted with the kids.  The alienator is a dad of one of the other kids and she seemed very focused on him. 
We left yesterday to come home and my wife informed me she was staying another day.  My son stayed with her.  I asked why she was staying and she didn't really give any real answer.  I suspect the alienator was staying another day too....Ughhhh  Mind you, he is married too.  He didn't bring his wife. 
I have learned in my life that praying for people who do you wrong is one of the hardest things to do.  I know it's the right thing and I know we have to understand that MLC makes folks into people we never imagined they could become.  It's still hard emotionally.
I opened my email this morning and my lawyer said that my wife's attorney is very demanding about getting things moving faster.  I said that I am gathering everything and just because she is in a rush to start her new life doesn't mean that I'm cheating myself financially.  She's so desperate to get out but doesn't make much money so she needs alimony and child support to start her "new" life. 

[Treasur]

Well, you can’t control her choices or her wishes, can you?
She, like many other disordered folks, will just have to learn that the world - and you - don’t just jump into action to give her what she wants pronto simply bc she wants it.

But I’m sorry - and it does rather show you that her focus is not on her kids which is MLC normal, of course. And all the more reason to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your kids the best you can.

I suspect in some ways life will get easier for you and the kids when/if she moves out. Their self-centredness and lack of empathy for others can be a bit breathtaking, can’t it? Fwiw, keep going, let your lawyer do their work and act as a buffer and (jmo) don’t say anymore to her about how you feel. Partly bc it’s pointless and partly bc it feeds her narrative about you as an irritating barrier to her ‘magic happy’ 🙄

Glad you had some good time with your kids - her loss.

[Tailspin]

Fwiw, keep going, let your lawyer do their work and act as a buffer and (jmo) don’t say anymore to her about how you feel. Partly bc it’s pointless and partly bc it feeds her narrative about you as an irritating barrier to her ‘magic happy’ 🙄

The past month I don't even try to have small chit chat anymore.  I used to do it just to let her know I still value her.  Lately I stopped because it has become hard on me to talk to someone who acts like I drowned their dog.  I deeply, down in my soul worry that she will think I don't care about her but I also know it means nothing to her so it's worthless.  It's a chaotic game with no real or sensible rules.  As I approach the 1 year mark since bomb I have reflected on everything from the start till now and I see how much I have grown and learned.  Unfortunately, she has regressed further.  Saddest part is that I was telling my brother that the past year has been nothing but lies on her part with the affair, filing for divorce, where she's going, and any other day to day issue.  This was not the person I once knew.  I always trusted her and now I believe zero of what she says. 

[Tailspin]

It's very interesting that over the past 2 weeks my wife's anger has grown even more intense the more I ignore her nonsense and childish anger.  When I'm in a good mood and horsing around with the kids she storms off and pouts like a child.  This living together while waiting for the divorce proceedings is really bothering her now.  I think she may be mad the OM is married and not leaving his wife.  Not sure.  I know he feeds her head big time with massive attention.  Sadly, I see her on the phone sexting with him even while our kids are in the same room.  It's an obsession at this point.
In all honesty I was kind of hoping she would move out early just to give the family a mental break from the anger and bizarre outbursts.  Unfortunately, she needs the alimony for the new life she's planning.  She refuses to get a better job that pays well and would rather see how alimony works.  Ughhh..
It's like living with a 15-year-old who's mad at her parents all the time.  This is not the person I once knew.