[UrsaMajor]

Sounds like your SBTXMLCW and my MLCxW both attracted the same type of OM - a player who saw a MILF. If the script runs the same way, once your MLCSTBxW has moved to xW status, OM will vanish because she will be putting pressure on him to either go big or go home.... and then she will be massively disappointed as she realizes that her Schmoopie-pie just wanted a side piece.... and he will be safely at home with W and his kids with HIS W none the wiser  (or not caring if he plays around).

You can expect her Monster to ramp up even more as the affair comes to its bitter conclusion.... After all, it MUST be your fault that OM didn't leave his family, right? 

[FrenchHusband]

Sadly, I see her on the phone sexting with him even while our kids are in the same room.  It's an obsession at this point.

So she is sending sex messages in the presence while the kids are here ? sounds to me a very teenage-ish way to seek attention, the attention you are currently not giving to her.

From my opinion you have 2 options :
- set up boundaries if you think you must protect your children
- ignore it (my preferred option)

Monster does not like to be ignored, but as we say here, arguing alone does not last long. I suspect the sexting may be a trick to try to make you react, I had same kind of suspicions when the beeper of W's phone was turned on for some texts. I chose to ignore the annoying beeps and it stopped after a few days.

[Tailspin]

Sounds like your SBTXMLCW and my MLCxW both attracted the same type of OM - a player who saw a MILF. If the script runs the same way, once your MLCSTBxW has moved to xW status, OM will vanish because she will be putting pressure on him to either go big or go home.... and then she will be massively disappointed as she realizes that her Schmoopie-pie just wanted a side piece.... and he will be safely at home with W and his kids with HIS W none the wiser  (or not caring if he plays around).

It certainly seems it...I guess they all want to be part of the same movie...Sorry for your story.  It really stinks we get treated like this.

For those of you who have been standing strong have an advice or opinions on the feelings of giving up.  I have stood strong for close to a year now and for some reason right now I feel my will to keep my marriage fading.  I still care for my wife but the worsening anger, her driving the divorce, the affair, living as a teenager, and disrespect to the family is really weighing on me.  I know people say it cycles but for some reason I think there's no hope at this point.  I don't want to surrender but does there come a point where all hope is truly lost.  I struggle with this.  I try to not listen to those voices who haven't understood what MLC is.  I know they all mean so well in their advice. 

[Tailspin]

Monster does not like to be ignored, but as we say here, arguing alone does not last long. I suspect the sexting may be a trick to try to make you react, I had same kind of suspicions when the beeper of W's phone was turned on for some texts. I chose to ignore the annoying beeps and it stopped after a few days.

I think you're right on this.  The monstering is getting worse the more I fully detach from the antics and drama.

[zartheit]

For those of you who have been standing strong have an advice or opinions on the feelings of giving up.  I have stood strong for close to a year now and for some reason right now I feel my will to keep my marriage fading.  I still care for my wife but the worsening anger, her driving the divorce, the affair, living as a teenager, and disrespect to the family is really weighing on me.  I know people say it cycles but for some reason I think there's no hope at this point.  I don't want to surrender but does there come a point where all hope is truly lost.  I struggle with this.  I try to not listen to those voices who haven't understood what MLC is.  I know they all mean so well in their advice.

I want to start by first pointing out how impressive it is that you have had someone you love turn their back on you (in SPECTACULAR fashion) and your response is to understand and empathize with their position. You've spent almost a full year in the lab working on yourself and your understanding of the human condition. That is pretty remarkable when you really think of it. I hope you feel pride in that response.

For myself, I found that using my ex-wife as a signal for ANYTHING was a losing game. Her opinion, after bomb drop at least, was worse than meaningless, it was actively harmful to me. I began to start framing everything in terms of myself: my values, my desires, my goals. I stood for my marriage (i.e., didn't file for divorce) because of MYSELF and it had nothing to do with my ex-wife. I looked at the situation I found myself in and tried on various lenses of interpretation until I found one that resonated with me. I began to look at my dissolving relationship NOT as something to "win" or "lose" but as a gym. Every day I would wake up and see what I was made of. The persistence was about understanding me. My limits, my expectations, my hopes, my beliefs. When I could orient myself then I began to work to become that.

That sounds all very clear and direct, so let me assure you it wasn't It was probably the messiest thing I've ever gone through. One thing that made it much harder than it needed to be for me was that I couldn't understand that my ex-wife was CHOOSING this. Without getting into the war that may have been happening in her head, externally she was making a series of choices that would inevitably lead to exactly where they did. There was, in the end, nothing I could do BUT surrender. I had no control over her actions and her actions said nothing about me as a person. I could be willing to work on "us" but if she isn't then we will decay. I had to accept that. It didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand what was wrong or why it couldn't be resolved. Accepting what is happening doesn't mean you can't desire reconciliation, all it means is that you aren't trying to stop the waves from washing up on the shore.

A metaphor that helped me was of a man holding something tightly in his fist. He was terrified that letting go just meant it dropping on the floor. If he rotated his fist such that his palm was facing the sky, then letting go allowed it to rest in his hand. He opens it. It simply sits there. Maybe not the most dramatic image, but it helped convey to me that "letting go" doesn't mean discarding, turning my back on, or becoming bitter.

This is all incredibly challenging. You're doing your best and all of your efforts will radiate out into every interaction you have in the world.

[Treasur]

I want to say that how you feel is pretty normal in the LBS journey. Most LBS come here wanting to Stand, almost perhaps as a kind of survival mode and looking for hope that understanding MLC will help them do that, that their story will be different from most here perhaps.  It’s pretty normal too that somewhere around the 1-2 year mark, as events take their toll, most question it. Reality bites hard, doesn’t it?

Imho this is the point when Standing gets real as a concept and each person starts to work out for themselves what Standing means to YOU. And people find different answers to that and make different choices. Which is ok too, you’ll get no judgement about that here.

I think most of us tussle with the same questions….
Some version of ‘if I unhook my hopes and expectations from my marriage, where does that leave me? What do I hope for other than a restored marriage as I can’t control that? What does Standing mean in my life as it currently is? Or not? And what does that mean in terms of how I act? How do I see myself and my spouse after what has happened? How do I see marriage? Etc etc 😝’

It’s not my place to tell you what you should think or do about any of those questions - they are intensely personal, aren’t they? And as you can see here, different people come up with different answers. Which is ok too. And they cycle and change their mind and evolve as events unfold. All ok; you’ll get no judgement here as I said bc we understand that these are not easy questions and don’t come with cookie cutter answers.

All I would encourage you to do is let the questions sit with you and swirl around for a while until you start to feel your own answers. And perhaps ask yourself why - if it is so - you feel a need to have answers to those questions now, if something has changed for you or is about to change which makes that feel more urgent. I would also encourage you to be as kind to yourself as you can and recognise that how you have been living since BD takes a toll. At best, it’s an unknown playing field; at worst it’s a far from normal dollop of emotional abuse. And few of us do our best thinking in those circumstances.

And the sun will still rise tomorrow while you are thinking about these questions, your kids will still giggle and snuggle, there are still joys in life to engage with while you let yourself work out what you think and want.

[FaithWalker]

Every day I would wake up and see what I was made of. The persistence was about understanding me. My limits, my expectations, my hopes, my beliefs. When I could orient myself then I began to work to become that.

That sounds all very clear and direct, so let me assure you it wasn't It was probably the messiest thing I've ever gone through. One thing that made it much harder than it needed to be for me was that I couldn't understand that my ex-wife was CHOOSING this. Without getting into the war that may have been happening in her head, externally she was making a series of choices that would inevitably lead to exactly where they did. There was, in the end, nothing I could do BUT surrender. I had no control over her actions and her actions said nothing about me as a person. I could be willing to work on "us" but if she isn't then we will decay. I had to accept that. It didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand what was wrong or why it couldn't be resolved. Accepting what is happening doesn't mean you can't desire reconciliation, all it means is that you aren't trying to stop the waves from washing up on the shore.

This absolutely resonated with me looking back at my own journey.

[Tailspin]

For myself, I found that using my ex-wife as a signal for ANYTHING was a losing game. Her opinion, after bomb drop at least, was worse than meaningless, it was actively harmful to me. I began to start framing everything in terms of myself: my values, my desires, my goals. I stood for my marriage (i.e., didn't file for divorce) because of MYSELF and it had nothing to do with my ex-wife. I looked at the situation I found myself in and tried on various lenses of interpretation until I found one that resonated with me. I began to look at my dissolving relationship NOT as something to "win" or "lose" but as a gym. Every day I would wake up and see what I was made of. The persistence was about understanding me. My limits, my expectations, my hopes, my beliefs. When I could orient myself then I began to work to become that.

That's a very interesting perspective.  Thanks for sharing that.  I guess a lot of my struggle is that there is a moving goal post the the further this goes down the road.  At first I wanted my old marriage back but now I see that's never going to happen.  I wonder if my wife would ever be the same person who was caring.  My mind tells me things like "Maybe this is who she really is" sometimes.  I don't want to believe that, but who knows.  The awful things she has said over this past year make my stomach hurt when I think about them.

I think most of us tussle with the same questions….
Some version of ‘if I unhook my hopes and expectations from my marriage, where does that leave me? What do I hope for other than a restored marriage as I can’t control that? What does Standing mean in my life as it currently is? Or not? And what does that mean in terms of how I act? How do I see myself and my spouse after what has happened? How do I see marriage? Etc etc 😝’

This really sums it up.  The questioning of it all and what I have for my expectations.  Right now my heart says one thing and my mind says something different.  The rational is fighting with the emotional.  I think you're right in that I need to sit on it and think about it. 

[MadLuv]

I think a point that we all realize later rather than sooner is the fact that no matter what the old marriage and relationship and person is gone. Not just the MLCer but the LBS.  We cling so hard for the life we had, but no matter how it ends that is over. Somehow when you really grasp that it changes a lot. It makes it a bit easier to move forward and let things unfold. I know the first year for me was just horrific clinging to the past, second year was trying to fully understand what happened, third year the my own acceptance of the current situation was clear and now in the 4th year  realizing this will be with me forever, but that I truly had a life before and I will have a life after. I wanted a friendship at the very least, but now I don't care if I ever speak to him again. Not out of anger, but just to much damage and lack of common decency toward me. It all depends on the amount of lies, betrayal, manipulation that takes place and how far they leap into oblivion. Whatever your journey it does evolve and you do see things more clearly on what your own choice will be. 

[Tailspin]

I truly marvel at the strange behavior at times of my wife.  This weekend I decided to go see my parents and have lunch with them.  My wife was heading with the kids to a friend's house for a Labor Day party that we usually always go to every year.  I decided not to attend as I really didn't want to because it would be a party where my wife would simply ignore me and not speak to me.  Saw no real purpose.  My wife got mad and said "Why aren't you coming"?  I replied "Why? You need to ignore me at other places too?"  She completely lost it and said I should be doing it for the kids and a whole bunch of other nonsense.  To add to the reason, I didn't go is because the women whose house it is covered for my wife meeting her OM.  Caught her at a store when my wife said she was out to dinner with her.  She didn't see me.  LOL
The person in MLC truly has some strange thoughts.  Why would a person be mad at this if they are doing all that they are doing?  It's like she feels cheating is ok but not but me going to a party is not.  The rest of weekend she monstered even more.  Why?  You can't wait for the divorce but expect me to sit and obey.  Glad I spent time with my parents.  They are older and not in the best health. 
I used to see moments of my real wife but lately those are getting more rare.