[MadLuv]

I also think anyone that continues a behavior for any length of time that goes against their core being does become that. If they don't want to break that and be accountable. When someone lies to you, they also lie to themselves. There is no way to do that and not degenerate themselves. Thats why this is all so unpredictable. How much damage have they done? Not just to their families, but themselves? How much inner strength do they have to get themselves out of it? That’s why they may do the same things, say the same things, but they are each unique and how they come through is unique as the crisis itself. We struggle so much because we are still the same and we just cane fathom how they are not. It’s a mind boggling situation to a degree of insanity at times. To say I felt unhinged by it in the early stages would not be an exaggeration.

[UrsaMajor]

Her family has reached out to me asking why she is distant with them and I just tell them the truth.  I don't know. She only is friendly with folks who encourage the bad behavior.

This is primarily because they need the affirmation of their enablers to continue. This affirmation is needed for the Mid-Lifer to justify their actions and to allow them to continue in their efforts to rewrite history in their own version that makes the LBS out to be the 2nd cousin of Satan who was the cause of every problem the Mid-Lifer EVER had in their ENTIRE lives.

The enablers are the rah-rah squad for the Mid-Lifer until they aren't anymore (which, for some, may be forever), the enablers, the encouragers, the ones that don't tell the Mid-Lifer to get a firetrucking clue of what they are doing, that tell them that what they are doing is causing their kids, their families, their relationships severe and possibly permanent damage. Anything or anyone that remotely reminds the Mid-Lifer of responsibility or accountability is to be ignored, ostracized or, in some cases, actively destroyed. 

[Tailspin]

I also think anyone that continues a behavior for any length of time that goes against their core being does become that. If they don't want to break that and be accountable. When someone lies to you, they also lie to themselves. There is no way to do that and not degenerate themselves. Thats why this is all so unpredictable. How much damage have they done? Not just to their families, but themselves? How much inner strength do they have to get themselves out of it? That’s why they may do the same things, say the same things, but they are each unique and how they come through is unique as the crisis itself. We struggle so much because we are still the same and we just cane fathom how they are not. It’s a mind boggling situation to a degree of insanity at times. To say I felt unhinged by it in the early stages would not be an exaggeration.

They continue on the path of destruction, and we watch it and live it.  It is mind-boggling like you said.  I guess I can't wrap my head around the "why".  I feel unhinged at times too.  There is no predictability in the behavior. 

The enablers are the rah-rah squad for the Mid-Lifer until they aren't anymore (which, for some, may be forever), the enablers, the encouragers, the ones that don't tell the Mid-Lifer to get a firetrucking clue of what they are doing, that tell them that what they are doing is causing their kids, their families, their relationships severe and possibly permanent damage. Anything or anyone that remotely reminds the Mid-Lifer of responsibility or accountability is to be ignored, ostracized or, in some cases, actively destroyed.

This rings so true.  The most stabile family members of my wife's family with the most moral clarity have been ignored when they call my wife.  It is so bad they have called me to see if she's around and alive because they used to talk to her a few times a month and now haven't heard from her for a year.  The only people my wife keeps in contact with are people of low morals.  One women herself is multiple times divorced and coaches her on how to get the most from divorce proceedings and even recommended ways to cheat and not get caught. 

[Tailspin]

I have a question about something I read a little while ago.  I wish I could find the article again.  I had read that the reason some folks in MLC act the way they do (Coldness) is because when some revert to their inner child where trauma occurred and they didn't know then. That's the reason they don't care about you.  Has anyone else read that? 

[UrsaMajor]

I have a question about something I read a little while ago.  I wish I could find the article again.  I had read that the reason some folks in MLC act the way they do (Coldness) is because when some revert to their inner child where trauma occurred and they didn't know then. That's the reason they don't care about you.  Has anyone else read that?

I can't say that I read anything like that but....

Some MLC'ers are cold, some are hot, some are cool, some are warm, some are monsters, some are vanishers, some cling like road tar on a hot day, some are like the Teflon Don and are as slippery as a greased pig...... Trying to pigeonhole an MLC'er and "why" they are reacting/acting the way they do is like trying to taste green with your elbow and just about as useful....

[Tailspin]

Trying to pigeonhole an MLC'er and "why" they are reacting/acting the way they do is like trying to taste green with your elbow and just about as useful....

I love that!!  LOL.  Classic!! 
I guess trying to put reason to behaviors is not a good idea.  This whole experience has made no sense. 
My wife is moving out in less than 2 weeks and has told the kids and not me.  She refuses to even look in my direction now. 

[Treasur]

Trying to pigeonhole an MLC'er and "why" they are reacting/acting the way they do is like trying to taste green with your elbow and just about as useful....

I love that!!  LOL.  Classic!! 
I guess trying to put reason to behaviors is not a good idea.  This whole experience has made no sense. 
My wife is moving out in less than 2 weeks and has told the kids and not me.  She refuses to even look in my direction now.

I imagine day to day life is going to feel easier in many ways when she does. Most of us could never imagine a time coming when we might feel that, but a number of us have felt that sense of relief bc what came before was so relentless.

I imagine too that, if your w follows the ol’ textbook play, it’s going to come as a bit of a shock when you’re not around to hate and blame but her life is still not magically happy in one bound…..

How are your kids doing?

[Tailspin]

I imagine day to day life is going to feel easier in many ways when she does. Most of us could never imagine a time coming when we might feel that, but a number of us have felt that sense of relief bc what came before was so relentless.

I imagine too that, if your w follows the ol’ textbook play, it’s going to come as a bit of a shock when you’re not around to hate and blame but her life is still not magically happy in one bound…..

How are your kids doing?

It's sad to say but at this point I look fwd to her leaving.  She's so angry and childish lately.  The latest has her stomping her feet when she gets mad.  I think there will be at least peace at night.  From what the kids say she will be there to have dinner with the kids and then leave to her own place until she settles in. 
My daughter has been handling things pretty good as she said she knew we were getting divorced when my wife stopped talking to me almost a year ago.  My son is trying to always ride the center and be with both parents equally.  He doesn't want to seem to take sides.  He has had a few real breakdowns.  The reality of the situation is that my wife doesn't give as much attention to my daughter because she'll be more vocal about wife's behavior.  That has upset my wife.  Nothing she said has been a lie though. 
The truth of it all is that I think my wife's limerence with her OM has taken over.  She has been obsessing over him and sneaking out more and more to be with "The love of her life".  The good old dopamine hits.  I can't imagine loving someone who's married while you're married yourself.   

[Tailspin]

Journaling.
So wife has begun to pack boxes for her move next weekend.  She only relays messages to me through the kids even though we live in the same house.  The not talking to me is exhausting at this point.  She's mad that I'm not agreeing to all she wants in regard to child custody and money.  My lawyer said her impatience must be causing her counsel so much heartburn.  She can't legally take joint items yet because there isn't an agreement in place.  I have no idea what is doing.  Her lawyer said to mine "She said it's a nightmare living there". 
I said in talking to my brother that even though she's done all this awful stuff I still actually feel bad for her.  I'm learning to genuinely forgive to move past this, but I feel bad for how broken she is.  It's no way to live.  Accepting that we can only control ourselves was my hardest lesson.  I don't like seeing her so angry and self-destructive but I can't change that. 
My hope is that once she moves, she's at least a slight bit better in dealing with the joint kid stuff.
As for me I'm looking for a 2nd job so I can keep my house.  I have a good job now but unfortunately with the alimony and child support laws I'll be hurting.  Good thing is I have multiple other skills I can make money with in relation to car repair and Maintenace. I also my work a night time shift at a big box store.  I spoke to a manager there and he said there are openings for any day.  I told the kids I might do that on the night I don't have them.
A new reality is coming and while I'm nervous about what it brings I know it needs to be done in terms of sharing kids and 2nd jobs.  This past year has been one of the hardest I ever had.  I made soooo many mistakes in dealing with MLC but I know we all have.  I hope to one day help others as much as I have been helped.

[Flummoxed]

Hi Tailspin,

From a fellow relative newbie, I just wanted to say that I find your growth journey very inspiring. You have made such fantastic strides over the past year- I hope I can reach a similar headspace in the near term.

Keep at it- you’ve got this! The unknown can be terrifying but one step at a time.