[Flummoxed]

Hello everyone,

I hope you are doing well and keeping up alright. I have been reading several older posts and they have been so helpful- thank you all so much for sharing your journeys and being so open despite everything you have experienced. I am finding I do not have anyone to really talk to about this right now, hence this post.

A: 30's
M: 5Y
BD: mid-Feb 2023. however, H was pulling away from 2022 onward. I could feel it, though he denied it consistently until BD, when he flat out said that he no longer had sexual interest in me and that he was not interested in continuing our relationship. He said he would give me an amount of money and then suggested some places where he thought I should move. We spoke for days and he seemed to be coming out of the shadows- I thought he was just stuck in his head and reconnecting and realigning would help us both. He said he was scared, that he didn't want to feel this way, and he wanted us to work out but the sexual draw toward me was gone. He asked if I could see us having an open marriage and he didn't want to cheat on me if I became pregnant but he was worried he would. He did agree to try couples counseling, so I jumped right on it.

We tried couples counseling twice but he didn't seem to be interested in working on anything. He didn't like that the therapists seemed to understand my perspective more. He asked for a trial separation to get some space and think and I agreed. If it's what he needed, I wasn't going to hold him back.

He came back after a few weeks and confirmed there was no one else, that he wanted to see if we could fix our relationship. But he didn't do anything to do so and refused to go back to couples counseling. I did my best to keep a safe space to communicate, not push him, but check in maybe once every month/other month to see how he was feeling. I listened to him, cooked his favorite foods, sent him positive messages, anything to boost his spirits. He grew more and more distant. I asked him if there was anyone else a few times and he kept saying there wasn't. I told him if he ever wanted out to please tell me, that I did not want to be cheated on (I had been cheated on once in a prior relationship). He kept saying there was no one else and he was just trying to get his mind right. I took his words at face value.

He started traveling more and more for work. I got suspicious but he has always been a workaholic and I am already prone to anxiety so didn't want to overthink it. He started acting cagey during our monthly/bimonthly check-ins, but again, I wanted to believe him so badly. He became more of a night owl when he had always been a morning person before.

He texted me a few days ago, out of the blue, that he has been having an affair for over a year and that he wanted me to move out in a couple weeks so he could move ow into our shared home. He said he'd give me some money and that this was best for everyone. He said we were already divorced and I should be over it.

My stomach hit the floor and hasn't come up since. I can't stop shaking. I can't eat more than a peanut butter sandwich a day and I can't sleep more than 4 hours a night. I asked for time to process and he seems to have allowed that for now. But my world as I knew it just crashed and burned.

I know nothing about the alienator. He says it's no one I know, but I know I can't trust him right now.

Trigger events: He has a parent whose health is declining. He also went from working at more established companies to a startup filled with people in their 20s who are very much in the work hard play hard life. He instantly drew into the energy; he has always wanted to fit in and be liked.

I think this is an MLC as he seemed to be in the anger/depression space in 2022. He would shout at our neighbor and at front desk staff for the smallest things- it wasn't like him. Then he said he had no more sexual interest in me but bawled when he said he wanted things to work. He didn't want to ask me to wait, because he didn't know how long it would take or if the feeling would ever resolve, but he seemed hurt to think of me entering another relationship. But then every emotion just vanished. He did buy new clothes and doesn't spend much time with local friends anymore. He seems generally checked out but would buy me food from time to time out of guilt. For what, at the time, I wasn't sure.

In his text, he threatened legal action regarding our shared property. In his mind, we were already divorced.

No history of mental illness.

I will be working to secure a therapist because I definitely need the support.

I am distraught. He was truly my best friend and my person. I will begin detaching- I understand that is the best thing overall. I am not sure if I am willing to stand. He knew what infidelity would do to me and this was one of the worst, if not the worst, things he could have done. Talking to him, providing compassion and a safe space to talk, has not worked for me. I need to focus on my own well-being.

I just wanted to chat with the group to get your take on the above, if you also agree it's an MLC? For fellow LBSs, what did you do in your early days/first year to get to some kind of normalcy? Is there any advice you can offer someone just starting to experience the more devastating parts of this situation? Would love to hear from both ex-MLCers and LBSs. I appreciate you all.

[zartheit]

Hello Flummoxed. I'm sorry you're going through this but I am glad you have found this place.

I am not sure if I am willing to stand.

That's ok. You can stand or not stand, whatever works for you. You can change positions on a whim. You can even hold BOTH positions at the same time. To paraphrase a song, don't worry about taking it easy; take it any way you can.

I need to focus on my own well-being.

I agree. I believe that regardless of what the future might bring, ensuring your own well being is the best way to prepare for it.

[Do] you also agree it's an MLC?

I will say yes. Someone you trusted has betrayed you inexplicably without "cause" (whatever that might mean) or remorse. It has capsized your world, calling into question your memories, your judgement, and your understanding of large aspects of reality. I want to let you know that this situation firetrucked up. Their behavior is unhinged. That being said, attaching a label to it is less useful than you might believe. For myself, it was an attempt at control. I felt that if I could label it, I could understand it, and then I could manipulate it to get my life back. This type of event is a natural disaster. It's a tornado, an earthquake, an erupting volcano. There is no control. At best we can seek shelter.

For fellow LBSs, what did you do in your early days/first year to get to some kind of normalcy?

I'll first share my experience and then give my advice.

I squirmed around A LOT. Immense trial and error. I felt like a failure. Nothing was "sticking". Nothing  "worked". I felt terrible and it didn't seem to go away. I believed, for some reason, that I shouldn't feel bad. I believed that if I were truly doing everything right then I would feel ok. But I didn't feel ok. That made me feel worse. With hindsight, I can see that this is the process. I now understand that I had the equivalent of internal bleeding. It makes sense it would take time to feel better!

As for advice, there are multiple layers that may or may not be appropriate given where you're at emotionally. The overall idea is to get in-tune with that inner voice that knows what you need and to hold steady until the ambient noise quiets down enough for you to hear it. For me, I started rigorously exercising (weight training, hiking, and sometimes running), eating very healthy food, cut out drinking, cut out social media, spending as much time outside in nature as I could, found a therapist, did frequent journaling, and tried to spend as much time with friends and family as I was able. I made lists of things that I had always wanted to do but didn't. I didn't necessarily DO the things but it felt good to see a possible future, and when I was more stable I did in fact start doing those things. I made lists of people I admired and why. This helped me build more confidence in myself when I could identify with these role models. I made lists of places I wanted to visit. I took personality tests and career tests and all kinds of things like that to attempt to reconnect with myself (which is actually hilarious now that I write it out). I read a ton of books (when I was eventually able to read again) about relationships, personal development, and philosophy, which were all things I wanted to read before but never did. To, maybe hopefully, summarize: there is a concept of PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) which is a good mnemonic for searching various things you can start turning towards.

I think one of the hardest things I did which was the most helpful was to not run from the emotions. Good or bad, I did my best to sit with any emotion that arouse. At first I would run. I would do ANYTHING to escape it, which was absolutely appropriate. I truly felt like I was going to die. It was truly FEELING there was a monster under my bed. As time went on, however, I began to be able to sit with them more faithfully. I felt rage, shame, humiliation, sorrow, confusion, love, longing, loss. Sometimes all in the span of a few minutes. Sometimes mixtures of them at a time. I went through boxes of tissues. I ruined a jacket from wiping my tears so steadily for so many months. This all tended towards radical acceptance, having an internal locus of control, being outcome independence, which are fancy words that mean taking care of yourself emotionally.

But honestly, this is all fancy nonsense. Truly take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, moment by moment. If you put one foot in front of the other, that's a victory. If you get out of bed, that's a victory. If you brush your teeth, that's a victory.

[LBSinUSA]

My BD was a year ago and I guess I can tell you what my initial reaction was: back off and detach.  I did that for a month but then I followed some rather unhelpful advice from a marriage counselor who told me not to do this but to placate STBXW’s grievances about cleaning.  I played along with that for a couple months but it was real obvious what a waste that was.  It would just move to another grievance until eventually she was just making stuff up about what I did in the past.  So as hard as it is I think the best thing to do is peel the band aid off now and detach.

The other thing you should do and do like Monday asap is contact an attorney.   It might seem drastic and sad but here’s the truth: you need to protect yourself.  For all intents and purposes you are not dealing with a sane person anymore and he can cause you a lot of legal problems if he’s gone off the deep end.  It’s time to focus on you. What he said about forcing you out of the house does not sound like something he could actually do if you both own the property.   As an attorney I can tell you this is now strictly business no matter how much he whines and cries about you not leaving.

I wish I had known about this site a year ago.  I only found it around January. I wasted 5-6 months wondering what the hell was this bizarre behavior from STBXW.  Your situation sounds like MLC to me. 

Frankly for me putting a label on it allowed me to understand and have an idea of what to expect and most importantly not make me feel like I was the one going crazy.   

[Flummoxed]

Thank you, zartheit and LBSinUSA, so much for sharing your experiences and insights with me. It was honestly a relief to hear back from individuals who have experience with this journey. Although I still cannot believe this is reality, I am so thankful for this group.

zartheit:

Thank you so much for clarifying that the decision to stand or not does not need to be fixed. I feel pressured but will work to let it go and accept that sometimes you don't need an answer or a label as to your stance.

I want to let you know that this situation firetrucked up. Their behavior is unhinged. That being said, attaching a label to it is less useful than you might believe. For myself, it was an attempt at control. I felt that if I could label it, I could understand it, and then I could manipulate it to get my life back. This type of event is a natural disaster. It's a tornado, an earthquake, an erupting volcano. There is no control. At best we can seek shelter.

I love "firetrucked up"- that just made my smile. But thank you for validating the insanity- even though I'm learning that the MLC is about the MLCer and not the LBS, it's really tough not to think I triggered this. I find myself wondering if this is an MLC or rather a WAS situation- probably TMI but I was experiencing pain, which really impacted our sex life. Although it took time, I did take the steps to address the issue though... I don't know. Maybe it's a fool's errand to make heads or tails out of this. I completely understand where you're coming from with the labeling- I feel myself doing the same thing. I'm, at heart, a problem solver. I love puzzles, mysteries, and the satisfaction of resolving an issue. And I'm sitting here trying to label it either an MLC or a WAS or who knows what else entirely because- you're exactly right- it feels like once I know the problem, I can find its solution. But I'm not the one who will be able to resolve this. And I need to just let that absorb. (Though I am still curious about MLC vs WAS...)

Thank you so much for sharing the squirminess at the beginning and the activities that helped you rebuild that confidence and really connect with yourself again. I am definitely in a squirmy, downtrodden space right now- I can't watch TV for 10 minutes without anxiety flaring throughout. What's funny is that I was engaged in very similar activities over the past year and a half (since BD, honestly) to keep busy- dove into philosophy and relationship books, spent as much time outdoors as possible, kept a consistent workout routine... and I guess I still just fully fell apart. But it all definitely made a huge difference before and I have no doubt it will again. I will definitely keep PIES in mind moving forward.

I'm definitely not used to sitting with my emotions so will have to give it a real try. I do feel a messy ball of various emotions just attacking my heart and my stomach- I guess the only way out is through.

If you put one foot in front of the other, that's a victory. If you get out of bed, that's a victory. If you brush your teeth, that's a victory.

This meant a lot to me; thank you. It truly is at that level for me right now so seeing that is okay and acceptable; it is such a relief.

LBSinUSA:

Detachment for sure- I will definitely do my very best. Of course, I guess it'll come with practice. It feels so eerie, but it's definitely a necessity. I'm sorry to hear about your experience with addressing your STBXW's grievances- you were looking to solve the problem, but it was never yours to solve.

100%- thank you so much for the guidance. I will make an appointment and work to keep my emotions in check to understand what my options are. We do co-own the property. I re-read his text and he is threatening to start the legal process if I do not accept the money being offered.

This behavior truly is bizarre, isn't it? From my end, I wonder if it may be WAS, but the cruelty and ice cold approach make me think it's an MLC.

Frankly for me putting a label on it allowed me to understand and have an idea of what to expect and most importantly not make me feel like I was the one going crazy.

I can absolutely understand this as well. I feel I missed something. Things weren't perfect, but they weren't that bad to warrant this destruction. I guess I may be in some kind of Bargaining phase- I know I should understand that it is not the LBS that is the reason for the abuse, but man, does the MLCer sure make it feel that way.

[Treasur]

Ah, one of those ‘divorced in my head’ folks….sorry.

I agree with others that your priority is to see a lawyer and get some guidance on your options and sensible next steps to protect yourself. Please try to ignore his threats and, if I were you, I would send him your lawyers details and tell him to contact your lawyer instead of you. And vice versa tbh for your safety and sanity. Once people start threatening you imho, it’s a different ball game. His threats only work if a)you hear them and b) you think they matter. The law is still the law, and facts are still facts, even if your MLCer acts as if they don’t apply to him. (Sadly not uncommon - I call it a ‘zipless divorce’ where essentially an MLCer wants you to just disappear in a puff of smoke - but that can be a dangerous place too if someone has this mentality)

Do you feel physically unsafe? If you do, talk to your lawyer about this too and what you can do to protect yourself.

These important practical things do not of course address any of the complicated emotions you must be feeling right now. And that’s normal too. It takes a while to work through these things and we tend to go round and round with questions in our heads while we do. Protecting yourself won’t answer those questions but it also won’t make them worse; they are separate things. Do you have some support from friends or family nearby? How are you doing with the life basics like sleep, food, work etc? Sounds as if some of those things are challenging for you right now? As others have said, fall back to basics and take it an hour/day a a time - do whatever small things you need to do that make a day 1% better or easier. And yes, a decent IC may well be a helpful thing; try to find someone who understands trauma would be my advice bc a lot of what you are feeling right now is a normal kind of post-trauma response. And when one gets that, you can find ways to sort of ‘hack’ it with help.

In a funny bit of timing from the universe, I just read this this morning https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/17/im-like-a-steamrollered-cartoon-character-totally-flat-the-agony-aunt-who-couldnt-feel-anything-at-all
You can see that a lot of what the article says echoes a lot of what we say here about self care. When you are in a dark hole, the basics matter and they have a compound effect like bricks in a wall. You may never have had a time in your life so far when you have had to be so intentional about taking care of yourself, and figuring out what works for you and what does not. But this is it. It will probably feel a bit weird for a while like any new skill, until it doesn’t. So, you need to take baby steps, treat it like an experiment almost, and do small things before you feel you want to do them if that makes sense. With time and practice, you will find that you develop your own sort of emergency too box - I still use mine now if I have a bad day bc I know what works and restores my sense of ok- ness even when life is throwing out some not ok stuff.

This is how you get to the other side of Here. It’s not quick and it’s not always easy. We get it. But there IS an other side and life will not always feel how it feels right now. We know that 100% bc we have been where you are, so you can borrow our faith in you getting there too even if you can’t see it yet!

It’s a terribly painful and confusing experience, isn’t it?
But also that is why trying to focus on taking one step at a time through the maze is important.

Put simply, whatever the reasons, your h now no longer cares about your well-being, only his own. And he has proven to be someone who has lied to you so you can no longer trust his words about anything much. He does not want your ‘support’ bc he has chosen a different path. None of this is your fault and you did not choose it…..but this is how it currently is. And you can’t control it/him….only how you respond to the situation and what/who you prioritise.

Imho when people do not treat us with care and respect, it becomes even more important that WE treat ourselves with care and respect. The source of our trauma cannot help us heal from the trauma. And tbh often they make it harder with more drama, threats and WTF stuff. And no one can fix a situation like this in the face of that; it’s like trying to clap one-handed. So you are quite right that you need to pull back hard and focus on you / a bit like they say on aeroplanes about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

When in doubt, do for yourself what you would want a much loved sister or friend to do for themselves if they were in your situation.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you.
How can we best support you right now?

[Baxter1]

FL-

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I am reading your story and it’s so similar it’s scary. My W gave me ILYB speech in 3/23. After that she wanted me to move out, I refused. She asked me every 2 months for a year…I still refused. It’s been 1.5 years of me living in the man cave. She said this at BD: ‘I want to move you out so I can move him in.’ It’s just recently that I get the feeling that their relationship is winding down but you never can tell. ‘So how’s that affair working out?’, is not something I really want to ask in our kitchen.

All that being said I spoke to a lawyer who advised me not to leave(in addition to everyone here and my friends), so here I am. Not sure if your legal situation or if you feel safe in the house but the general consensus is if they want out they can go. She filed 3/24, I got the feeling that the OM was pushing for it, I don’t think it was her idea. She filed 6 months ago and brought it up one time, we’ll see how it goes.

All that being said you’re not alone in this, it’s devastating but do what you feel is right for you, good luck!

[KayDee]

So sorry you are going through this. You have had some amazing advice already. It's great that you are a person with a learning and inquisitive mind, it will mean that you will eventually find or renew passions and past-times to enrich your life as you move forward towards healing. I consider myself a pretty strong person on all fronts, but in the first weeks/months after BD, I was a wreck. I lost over 10 kilos, had high blood pressure, mini-panic attacks, nose bleeds, a weird rash (I could go on, but that's enough, right!). My anxiety was cranked up to max. I used to find sleep by listening to a really boring podcasts (   - at least I can look back an laugh a bit.) (oh, and laughter is a great companion if you can muster up some humour, dark or otherwise, along the way). I too naturally do PIES (also the pastry ones can be quite comforting ). I found a mix of punctuating my week with interaction with others (friends, yoga group, therapy), so that I didn't get isolated, plus scheduling my own exercise, and also making sure I had quiet time alone to be with my feelings. This got me through the first six or so months. I do believe it is important to sit with our feelings, let go of our emotions (hitting cushions, screaming in the shower etc). It's is a kind of 'blood letting' - better out than in. My instinct was to create some safety around my vulnerable, emotional self, so I told my H not to contact me for a set period. He kind of respected this and it really helped me to get some stable footing. I kept my circle small, spending time mostly with people I trusted.

One of the most important bits of guidance I got here, is that we do NOT always need to respond to the crisis person's demands. We do not need to match their mad (often manic) pace, which is usually like a racing greyhound out of the gates. I felt continually poked and prodded to do things, yet it was not me that had decided to flip my entire life on its head. It felt like being press-ganged or something. When I realised that, if acting was not in my favour, I did not need to do anything at all, that was such a relief. A wise soul here often told me 'doing nothing, is sometimes the right thing to do'.  We are so used to being responsible to our spouses, it's a hard habit to break. If you were the fixer of the marriage (hands up here), that is a dynamic you will likely need to shift.

Your H is currently trying to bully you, so yes, absolutely, get legal advice - forewarned is forearmed - then you can make informed decisions moving forward. I know from my own experience, that it is so very hard to address these things when you are so early in, the only way I could manage it, is to tell myself that I needed, for a time, to get into a 'deal not feel' mode. Yes, go home and crumble for a bit afterwards, but you will be amazed how strong (and stronger) you will feel getting these things done.

Please do not blame yourself for your H's behaviour. You had pain. A compassionate partner would be concerned for you. Not blame you. It helped me to flip the situation around and ask 'would I do this, any of this, to my H?' - try it yourself, it really puts things into focus.

MLC or WAS? Both are the actions of an immature and broken person IMO. And honestly, it is the actions we need to deal with. These are what impact us.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Welcome to the site no one should ever have to join. You are getting great advice about finding legal support.

Your H is currently trying to bully you, so yes, absolutely, get legal advice - forewarned is forearmed - then you can make informed decisions moving forward.

He definitely is.

He texted me a few days ago, out of the blue, that he has been having an affair for over a year and that he wanted me to move out in a couple weeks so he could move ow into our shared home. He said he'd give me some money and that this was best for everyone. He said we were already divorced and I should be over it.

That's not how things work. First, you and Mr. Stegosaurus are still married. I selected his name because the Stegosaurus was dumbest dinosaur and that's exactly how his brain is working. My first counter back is that he and OW can go and find there own place to live. You are not a piece of furniture that he can spend a few dollars on and have carted off.

One of the most important bits of guidance I got here, is that we do NOT always need to respond to the crisis person's demands.

Exactly. Go slow and don't think that being quick will win you any brownie points with Mr. Stegosaurus. Develop your own game plan and remember, he's not going to do anything in your best interest. Currently, he is very self-centered and his mindset is to get what he wants and only what he wants.

As for advice, there are multiple layers that may or may not be appropriate given where you're at emotionally. The overall idea is to get in-tune with that inner voice that knows what you need and to hold steady until the ambient noise quiets down enough for you to hear it. For me, I started rigorously exercising (weight training, hiking, and sometimes running), eating very healthy food, cut out drinking, cut out social media, spending as much time outside in nature as I could, found a therapist, did frequent journaling, and tried to spend as much time with friends and family as I was able. I made lists of things that I had always wanted to do but didn't. I didn't necessarily DO the things but it felt good to see a possible future, and when I was more stable I did in fact start doing those things. I made lists of people I admired and why. This helped me build more confidence in myself when I could identify with these role models. I made lists of places I wanted to visit. I took personality tests and career tests and all kinds of things like that to attempt to reconnect with myself (which is actually hilarious now that I write it out). I read a ton of books (when I was eventually able to read again) about relationships, personal development, and philosophy, which were all things I wanted to read before but never did. To, maybe hopefully, summarize: there is a concept of PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) which is a good mnemonic for searching various things you can start turning towards.

I really liked this advice. Think of your self recovery first. All of this is major trauma on you and you need to heal first. Think of things to help you find your feet. Have a moment of bliss and reflect what brought this moment to you. This takes you focus off of him and towards a more productive activity of helping you.

I know all of this is hard and very painful, but always keep in mind that this was due to his flaws of character not yours.

Have a great weekend,

(((Ready)))

[FaithWalker]

Reading along F.

Sane people do not tell their spouse that they want to move them out and OW in.  Sane people do not say "we are already divorced" when it's not true.  Sounds like MLC to me.  If it walks like a duck... and all.

Do you have kids or is it just you? 

You have gotten some great advice on this thread!

[Flummoxed]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your insights- I'm so thankful and it makes my heart full (at whatever size it is now lol, but full regardless).

Small wins for today: took a shower and heated up soup (was previously too big a job and too many dishes)..

I also wrote a mini write-up of events from my perspective and i think it helped me reframe the more I read it. I truly did everything I could to save us. It was his decision (or impulse or need- not sure what the correct word would be to use) to blow our lives apart. But I know I did the best I could and I can stand tall knowing that.

Questionable: I spent a lot of time trying to understand what happens from the MLCer perspective. And much of it was triggering, for sure. It's hard not to take what is said so personally. Maybe my heart is too soft right now. I need to focus on me but I did not do that today. Not much comparatively anyway.

Treasur:

Ah, one of those ‘divorced in my head’ folks….sorry.

Yeesh, is this common? I hadn't come across it from my limited research but it seems to be a thing.

Once people start threatening you imho, it’s a different ball game. His threats only work if a)you hear them and b) you think they matter. The law is still the law, and facts are still facts, even if your MLCer acts as if they don’t apply to him. (Sadly not uncommon - I call it a ‘zipless divorce’ where essentially an MLCer wants you to just disappear in a puff of smoke - but that can be a dangerous place too if someone has this mentality)

Do you feel physically unsafe? If you do, talk to your lawyer about this too and what you can do to protect yourself.

Thank you so much- when I speak with someone next week, I will see if they can stand in for communications. In your experience, how does a threatening MLCer differ in circumstance? I feel like the threatening bit itself should be a hit on the head, but if there are any other patterns you've come across, I would love to be prepared. And thank you so much for affirming that the laws still hold true regardless- I can admit I was deeply impacted by the text he had sent- it was a one-two punch and I couldn't really absorb the second since I was already down from the first. I also get the sense that he just wants me out of the picture as soon as possible for it to be convenient for him. I am a bit scared for my safety; I will need to discuss this as well. Thank you.

Do you have some support from friends or family nearby? How are you doing with the life basics like sleep, food, work etc? Sounds as if some of those things are challenging for you right now? As others have said, fall back to basics and take it an hour/day a a time - do whatever small things you need to do that make a day 1% better or easier. And yes, a decent IC may well be a helpful thing; try to find someone who understands trauma would be my advice bc a lot of what you are feeling right now is a normal kind of post-trauma response. And when one gets that, you can find ways to sort of ‘hack’ it with help.

I do have support from friends and family, thankfully. Although we moved across the country during the pandemic and my social support network is still where it originally was, they have been nothing but supportive. I have definitely been finding life basics a challenge, but I think I'm making small improvements on a hourly/daily level? Thank you- I will be looking up a trauma IC. I definitely need help unpacking this all. Thank you for affirming that this is normal.

With time and practice, you will find that you develop your own sort of emergency too box - I still use mine now if I have a bad day bc I know what works and restores my sense of ok- ness even when life is throwing out some not ok stuff.

Thank you so much for sharing the article. I absolutely need to tap into my tool box. I've suffered from depression on and off since my teen years and anxiety has been consistent for the most part, so I fortunately (unfortunately?) have a bit of familiarity with this. One little bit each day to show myself I care. I'm currently just in survival, but I'll get there in time.

How can we best support you right now?

Truly, I am not sure. I feel like all the support and advice I have received thus far has been so much more than what I could ever ask for. I am an individual who finds it challenging to ask for help. So opening up, asking, and receiving so much kindness, understanding, and guidance means the world to me. I will have questions and continue to update the thread with more "is this "normal"? have you come across this?" items I'm sure.

Baxter1:

you never can tell. ‘So how’s that affair working out?’, is not something I really want to ask in our kitchen.

No, you certainly can't!

All that being said I spoke to a lawyer who advised me not to leave(in addition to everyone here and my friends), so here I am. Not sure if your legal situation or if you feel safe in the house but the general consensus is if they want out they can go.

I will definitely need to further discuss to determine best next steps on my end. I can understand why a lot of people would advise staying; I wish that was a firm possibility for me. I do not feel 100% safe- he had never been a violent guy toward me before, but he's someone new now and he simply wants me out of the picture. He had been more physical in his younger years; I do not know if that will rear up again.

All that being said you’re not alone in this, it’s devastating but do what you feel is right for you, good luck!

Thank you so, so much. And I wish you all the luck as well- I have no idea how you're standing firm but it is truly amazing and I hope for only the best for you.

KayDee:

My instinct was to create some safety around my vulnerable, emotional self, so I told my H not to contact me for a set period. He kind of respected this and it really helped me to get some stable footing. I kept my circle small, spending time mostly with people I trusted.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and what worked for you! I consider myself to be a strong person as well but, man, this really puts you through the ringer. Do you recall when you were able to get more proactive about the activities that brought you joy (i.e., socializing, yoga, etc.)? I see these beautiful recommendations from all and I want to engage but I also feel like I'm still in the stuck in bed phase. I engaged in a 20 minute conversation yesterday before feeling nauseous and am considering that progress. I hope that's not too out of the norm if at all. I definitely agree that having space from the MLCer definitely helps. I guess I'm not sure who I can trust when it comes to my friends. And it's nothing against them at all: I do have a tight knit group. But I am hesitant to trust, I guess, which makes this harder of course as it can lead to isolation.

When I realised that, if acting was not in my favour, I did not need to do anything at all, that was such a relief. A wise soul here often told me 'doing nothing, is sometimes the right thing to do'.  We are so used to being responsible to our spouses, it's a hard habit to break. If you were the fixer of the marriage (hands up here), that is a dynamic you will likely need to shift.

I didn't even consider this to be an option- thank you for sharing with me! I don't know why- I'm also a fixer! Always the first one up to assess and triage. Thank you for sharing this wisdom- I will work on slowing down and responding versus reacting.

Please do not blame yourself for your H's behaviour. You had pain. A compassionate partner would be concerned for you. Not blame you. It helped me to flip the situation around and ask 'would I do this, any of this, to my H?' - try it yourself, it really puts things into focus.

This really did help; thank you so much. I absolutely would never voluntarily do this to him in a million years. But then I question if he's voluntarily doing this. I did a dive into ex-MLCer threads and tried to understand what was happening. But at the end of the day, I guess that doesn't change my experience of events and the very real threats. I am trying to be empathetic and compassionate but is that holding back from healing myself? I feel like the answer is probably yes but I'm torn.

MLC or WAS? Both are the actions of an immature and broken person IMO. And honestly, it is the actions we need to deal with. These are what impact us.

100%. I need to get this in my mind. In a recent moment, I did tell him I was interested in exploring other career opportunities and he offered an alternative solution and even shared a few positions with me that he thought would be a good fit. There were small moments when he was home that he was willing to help in this way, go above and beyond what I was expecting. I guess that's why I am on the fence about MLC and WAS. Even though the labeling shouldn't matter, because there were still acts of kindness however small not too long ago, maybe it's not what I think it is? Do MLCers tend do these tiny gestures of kindness? If so, would they be based off guilt?

Ready:

I selected his name because the Stegosaurus was dumbest dinosaur and that's exactly how his brain is working. My first counter back is that he and OW can go and find there own place to live. You are not a piece of furniture that he can spend a few dollars on and have carted off.

Oh my goodness, Stegosaurus made me chuckle- thank you so much! I completely agree- it just seems like he's lost his mind. I should have said just that- that is too good.

Exactly. Go slow and don't think that being quick will win you any brownie points with Mr. Stegosaurus. Develop your own game plan and remember, he's not going to do anything in your best interest. Currently, he is very self-centered and his mindset is to get what he wants and only what he wants.

Thank you. Agreed- no need for quick movements. I panicked over his manic text but I need to learn that just because he's put a rush on something doesn't mean it really calls for a rush or that it even makes sense. I need to detach and focus on myself. Breathe.

I know all of this is hard and very painful, but always keep in mind that this was due to his flaws of character not yours.

Thank you so much. I am trying to absolutely internalize this. It's been difficult but reviewing the facts a few times already has helped immensely. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your weekend as well.

FaithWalker:

Sane people do not tell their spouse that they want to move them out and OW in.  Sane people do not say "we are already divorced" when it's not true.  Sounds like MLC to me.  If it walks like a duck... and all.

Thank you so much! It really does help to put a label to this behavior just to understand what's going on. It truly is insanity.

We do not have kids, but we wanted them. I know that wasn't the question but it's been on my mind.

I truly have received fantastic advice and so much kindness from this amazing group. Thank you all so incredibly much for your guidance and compassion. It really is nice to know that there is a community we can connect with to get through these times.