Thank you so much, Treasur, OffRoad, Tailspin, and FaithWalker for all of your shares!! I was out of town for a bit (!!) and got a nice little break from the isolation madness.
I will do my best to take a step back and not take his words personally. I’m working to embrace the fact that most people just have their opinions and they’ll stick to them no matter what- it is not in my control to change that and I should protect my energy to tend to myself and my loved ones. I am working on letting go of the need to convince others I’m right because it truly does not matter at the end of the day.
Agreed- Switzerlands can also be dropped as well as those who refuse to take accountability for their actions. They bring no benefit outside of added numbers.
I’d love to meet up with other LBSs and GAL! I noticed there used to be little meetups- it would be great if that was still a thing though I’ve also noticed engagement has dropped over the years. Perhaps most people have shifted to the FB group, but I’m avoiding social media currently so that just isn’t an option right now.
Journaling (it’s gonna be a long one):
I spent a few days immersed in nature and it was incredibly therapeutic. Maybe it was the jump from being isolated in suburbia to being free to roam in a national park- it was startling but also so good for the soul. The mountains and rivers and trees have been here for so much longer than we have and have withstood so much more- it gives one hope that we can make it through this period of time as well.
On this trip, I spent my downtime reading “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker in the hopes of further undergoing my healing journey. Although my intention going in was purely focused on myself, there were several passages that made me think of MLC and my H. It flashed a huge light on my past and present behaviors; I’m really looking forward to practicing the guidances shared and reading more by Walker to expand my toolkit.
I found Walker’s book to be quite enlightening and I’d recommend giving it a read for those interested. As a recap, both H and I have had similar upbringings in the sense that we were raised by emotionally immature parents and experienced considerable childhood trauma from our very early years onward. I was concerned, due to our similar backgrounds, that I may also be at risk for an MLC down the line, so I wanted to get a head start on my healing journey to prevent as much as possible and live my life in as authentic a way as possible.
Through “Complex PTSD”, Walker speaks to “emotional flashbacks” experienced by the individual working with CPTSD. These are fundamentally triggered periods of time in which a person flashes back in time to when they were experiencing the initial trauma in childhood. They no longer have access to their left brain processing- they are dependent on their right brain processing (all emotions) during this time. They forget who they can trust and feel as though they are on their own. They fall back to old fear responses, or base instinct coping mechanisms, to self-soothe, which often times increase in intensity leading to addiction. They project their anger for their parents at a potentially innocent bystander. They justify their actions and dissociate to protect themselves. Doesn’t this all sound a bit familiar?
Walker further explained his theory of the layers of dissociation: the fear response (running behaviors), inner critic (the horrendous depression within), fear and shame (the individual truly facing what they have done), followed by the abandonment depression (rock bottom, liminality).
An emotional flashback is simply the inner child expressing their fear and pain- all of this emotion has been repressed for so long and it just needs a release. The best way to release is through grief- releasing the anger held within for their parents (monstering) and crying to release the pent up sadness. Whenever I read a recovered MLCer thread, I come across the torrential downpour of tears at or around awakening. Tears bring clarity.
Now, why am I sharing this book report? Because I feel like it was really, truly eye opening (at least for me). I think, in a similar vein as Hearts Blessing, I experienced a sampling of a transition/crisis prior to my H. I figure I’ll be a bit vulnerable here in case it helps somehow. To be honest, I thought it may have been related to alcohol consumption, but looking back, I highly doubt this was the work of a couple of beers. (I have since quit drinking as of BD.)
We were two years into the pandemic and we had relocated across the country. H was people-pleasing to the max; I didn’t know that was his fear response at the time. I just felt like his last priority and that I was alone surrounded by superficial friends. The culture was different, I was not fitting in, and the only person who got me was constantly prioritizing other people and their issues. This brought on an emotional flashback for me- not crisis level, but it made me feel like a kid again when my mom would do the same thing. I felt I didn’t matter, that he didn’t really care, that I was alone and hopelessly misunderstood.
Then we came across an old acquaintance and something just clicked in me. I had one conversation with the guy alone and I truly acted like I was possessed by something or someone else. I felt like I was truly understood for the first time in a long time. I’ve had social anxiety since I was a kid but I was somehow flirting like a champion, no hesitation. I thought this person totally gets me- I bet we have so much in common. Like an absolute psycho. We went home and reality set in- the distance made it easier for me to process. I, thankfully, had already been inadvertently practicing some of the treatment guidances outlined by Walker in his book that I was able to tie in what little left brain processing ability I had to highlight to myself that I knew nothing about this person. That I was fundamentally creating a fantasy and superimposing it on this total stranger. I knew something was wrong- I could feel I wasn’t myself. I knew I loved H and was honestly scared of the pull. I initially thought it was pheromones or something. I researched how to kill the feeling and all I could find was that it will take mindfulness and time. It was a few months later when I started to feel suicidal that I even noticed I was in the midst of a depressive episode and was able to get myself out using old tried and true methods. The heart pattering did take time to die out but it lessened over time on its own. I never acted on anything; the distance and having some left brain control definitely helped (thank goodness). But I can’t help but wonder if my emotional flashback helped serve as a trigger for H’s crisis.
As kind of firetrucked up as my life has been, one trauma after another, I feel as though I have slowly learned to treat myself with care and kindness. I am still a work in progress and treating CPTSD is a lifelong endeavor. H has forced his way forward in life by repressing a lot, which is why I fear his emotional flashback has become a true crisis. However, I feel as though my little out of body experience has led to me feeling a bit more compassion toward H and I am trying to look at things from a Birds Eye view. It is terrifying to feel like you’ve lost control and you’re behaving in ways you never would. He truly is the only one who can get himself out and I truly hope he develops the strength someday to break free, tear down the critic, and show himself kindness as he heals from the depression. In the meantime, I will continue my work of grieving my own lost childhood and tearing down my own inner critic. If I can potentially avoid a transition or crisis myself, I would be unbelievably thankful.
Freefalling into the Void
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