[OffRoad]

Where is that "Like" button?

[Flummoxed]

😂 Offroad!

Journaling:

I had a feeling today would be a challenging day, so I did my best to keep it packed to the brim with things I enjoy. I'm going to end the night with a solid Halloween classic. Of course, Happy Halloween and Happy Diwali to those who celebrate!

Halloween was our shared favorite holiday, so it feels weird not having him by my side watching Halloween specials and eating themed treats like we're a couple of eight year olds. I didn't even break out my skull pan this year to bake skull brownies. For us, Halloween is bigger than any other holiday, greater than Christmas, because I think we both had rough childhoods and Halloween gave us the opportunity to just be goofy and silly and open to possibility. It's about the unknown, the magical, the uncertain. But I guess it feels like Halloween came for me a bit early this year, frights and chills indeed.

Even though it's not the same date, thanks to the lunar calendar, Diwali falls on the same day as Halloween this year. Go figure. We had our first date Diwali of 2015. The holiday's supposed to signify good conquering evil, light winning over darkness, and the truth banishing illusion. Our first date was magical- I knew we were meant for something. And I'm not saying that in hindsight- I felt a spark that night and I knew I met someone special.

So... I booked myself a tattoo appointment for today. I knew it would be fitting, given our history and I can't for the life of me remember when the last time these two holidays fell on the same day. It's a small tattoo, but it's a reminder that my person is out there. That we may not be together right now, but we are connected and someday, hopefully, we will find each other. For now, my heart still identifies that person as my STBXH, but who knows how long that will be for. I have been so nervous about letting go, about no longer thinking of him actively, because maybe I'll lose touch with our memories and my feelings for him. But, with this tattoo, I feel comfortable letting go even more. I don't have to try to cling to the memories or analyze each and every interaction- it's done. He killed us. If there is any hope at all for the future, it would have to be brand spanking new. If there is hope with someone else in the future, I sure as hell have to completely let go of this. Either way, my person is out there and we will connect when the time is right. That time just isn't now.

I spent the remainder of the evening with my best friend, her husband, and their menagerie of pets. So adorable- how does one not just melt when surrounded by the cutest, furry little friends? It felt so good to just hang out and talk about whatever. It felt so great to be around people my own age- I haven't been doing that enough and need to jumpstart my social life.

I started taking epsom salt baths to calm my nervous system. That along with stretching, meditating, and yoga nidra have been such wonderful additions. I filed an application to be a dog foster parent, first as a short-term foster to see if it's the right move for me. I'm hoping to take in a senior dog for a short stint- I feel like we can help each other feel a bit more relaxed in a crazy world.

Nothing major in terms of the MLCer. I had to touch base for confirmation today to see if a bill had been paid since I'm still on the title of the property and the bill is due at the first of the month (and he wanted to take on all the bill paying after years of preferring that I did, but just another MLC trait that doesn't need to be explained here). He said he was working on it and would keep me updated once the payment had been pushed through. I thanked him and wished him a good holiday. Of course, I did not get a response. Not yet anyway- I'm working on managing nervousness about a bounce back of monster. However, I'm channeling the fact that I have no control over his reactions- I only have control over myself. I had to follow up because I wanted to avoid overdue bills. I responded in a delayed fashion, kindly and politely, while holding him at arm's length. How he responds is anyone's guess- no amount of planning will prepare me.

So I might as well tuck into some Halloween treats, turn on Hocus Pocus, and call it a night. May your evening be so beautifully magical. And for all who are already enjoying their November, may the Christmas songs make their way to you and bring you festive cheer. I heard my first one played at a store last week- I couldn't believe it. The holiday season is here.

[Flummoxed]

A question for the group: what do you tell new people when they ask about your relationship situation? I’ve signed up for a divorce support group and I’ve joined another group focused on empowering women. Everyone is super supportive and I’m meeting with a super sweet member in a couple weeks who also recently went through a divorce to chat over coffee. I just don’t know what I should say… ordinarily, I’d just say I’m going through a divorce and leave it at that but with a more intimate, getting to know you as a potential new friend conversation… I don’t know if saying the divorce is in process is sufficient. If she tells me her story, I don’t know how to frame mine, but I also don’t want to overshare. Any advice or am I overthinking?

Thanks in advance! 💗

[KayDee]

Perhaps you are overthinking it a bit? In a situation where the other person knows that you are going through an emotionally difficult divorce (that's why you are all at the group, right?), I imagine that the conversation will likely evolve sensitively and you will be able to gauge things as the conversation progresses. I personally think it is only 'oversharing' if one person dumps a whole load of stuff on someone without a kind of two-way exchange. But because it is on your mind, you are unlikely to do that. I find it hard to tell people in RL - people I am getting to know better, but not yet close friends. Or at least, I find it hard to be succinct  I do try to keep it factual, but it still irks me that the whole thing was out of nowhere and so extreme. So emotionally violent. That's why I sometimes add 'he was having personal issues' or something similar. When I no longer need to say that, as in when I no longer perceive any of this reflects on me, I think I will be THERE.... hope this helps a teenie bit.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, KayDee, that helped a lot! Reeling myself back from overthinking and going to let it flow as it will. I also struggle with being succinct (haven’t chatted much outside of my close circle yet though) and the sudden and violent nature of it all. Can’t exactly go, “I thought he was a great guy until he randomly flipped almost two years ago and started cheating and acting emotionally abusive while gaslighting me so I’d stay in our shared home isolated from friends and family until he found someone to ‘redo’ his life with.”

But thank you for the guidance and the talk off the ledge. It’ll be nice to connect with someone new and speak with someone IRL. Very thankful for this forum, but also excited to branch out in the real world. 💗

[FrenchHusband]

A question for the group: what do you tell new people when they ask about your relationship situation? I’ve signed up for a divorce support group and I’ve joined another group focused on empowering women. Everyone is super supportive and I’m meeting with a super sweet member in a couple weeks who also recently went through a divorce to chat over coffee. I just don’t know what I should say… ordinarily, I’d just say I’m going through a divorce and leave it at that but with a more intimate, getting to know you as a potential new friend conversation… I don’t know if saying the divorce is in process is sufficient. If she tells me her story, I don’t know how to frame mine, but I also don’t want to overshare. Any advice or am I overthinking?

Thanks in advance! 💗

Hi Flummoxed, I only recently began to speak with acquaintances and friends about my personal situation. And I am glad I waited almost 2 years. As it is said in Ecclesiastes 3-7 : "a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak". IMO,the second part is true in life and also during a conversation.
What works for me is to say the basic facts, and answer honestly to questions without giving details. If the person wants to know more, she asks questions. The only questions I don't answer are the ones regarding W, I say usually something like : "better to ask her". And that's all.

[OffRoad]

You know when you connect with a person on a level that you can share information. I always started with "I honestly don't know what happened." Because it was true. If they want to know more, they ask. If they just want to dump their own feelings and don't want to know about your situation, you'll find that out quickly, too. (Most common thing that happens to me). I found it was a 75/25 split with 75 % of the people wanting to vent their own pain, yet unable or unwilling to listen to mine. I say this in case this person is one of those, don't think it was you or that there is no one out there you can talk to. This is no different than dating, no joke. I am hopeful it will be a good fit, but just in case.

Best people I found to talk to were casual conversations that naturally led to spouses or lack thereof and discovering mlc isn't as uncommon as one might think

[Flummoxed]

Thank you, FrenchHusband and OffRoad! Truly- I’ve been working on my social anxiety for years and sometimes I overdo it when I meet new people as a way to overcompensate. But you’re right- start small and stay factual. They’ll ask if they want to know more and I can gage whether or not I want to share more. I’m honestly not yet ready to dive into the details, so I’ll honor those boundaries and keep it light and topical for now.

And definitely- a good deal of people kind of just want to offload. And that’s definitely ok; I’ll do my best to just take it as is and not take it personally. Offroad, your comment about it being a lot like dating- that’s so true. It makes me hesitant to readily jump in as the supportive shoulder to cry on- I need to be more conscious about jumping into that fixer role. I’ll take it slow and try to remember that good friendships take time. I don’t owe anyone anything, and certainly not at the beginning.

Thanks again for your advice- I really appreciate it!

Journaling:

Still pinging from one end of the spectrum to the other, but overall am making progress with healing. Baby steps toward acceptance- I know I’m inching closer and closer to being Done with a capital “D”. But then I cried when watching Coco, so… remembering everyone’s words that healing from all this will take time. That this time is a gift- I think I really am learning that now. It really is tortoise-speed, slinky-like behavior. But we make progress, little by little.

Sharing the lyrics to “Remember Me” from Disney’s Coco (I’m sorry if it also makes you cry):

Remember me, though I have to say goodbye
Remember me, don't let it make you cry
For even if I'm far away, I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart

Remember me, though I have to travel far
Remember me each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be
Until you're in my arms again, remember me

[Treasur]

Fwiw most of us probably had times early on of oversharing or under sharing. Imho, with hindsight, it’s a pretty common reaction to shock - a bit like surviving a really dramatic bad car wreck, some people just stand there numbly saying they are fine while blood runs down their face while others almost make it real by saying well I saw this and then this happened and then this, over and over again.

All of which to say that this is a very normal human range of reaction and one should be kind to oneself about it. The world rarely ends just bc you do one or the other. And pain and shock make us all a bit off balance for a while until we get our feet under us again - there are no perfect right words to be found for broken things.

Deep distress makes most of us a bit overly self-centred too, doesn’t it? What’s going on in our world feels so huge that it can be hard to see beyond it. Again jmo but that’s why spending time with other people talking about other things matters….a movie, their house renovation, their kids’ baseball game, doesn’t really matter….it is part of how we heal and it stops us becoming lost in our own long grass.

Again, in my experience, sharing this kind of info is not so much about being a shoulder to cry on, it’s about the ability to just sort of sit on the bench beside someone. To not be afraid of their pain. Or your own. Some people seem to naturally be able to do that, but most who can do so bc they know what it’s like to be on that bench. Again jmo but there is a particular kind of grace in that, in the ability to just see and hear without judging or fixing, which is almost life saving. And you’ll know it when you run into it. Or indeed when you feel healed enough to do it.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, Treasur! You're completely right- I need to give myself more grace and kindness. Trust that I will do what I can in the moment and that will simply be enough. Working on that self-trust; it's very much a work in progress but I'll get there!

And 100%- I didn't realize how self-involved I had been with my grief until I met up with friends recently. Yeah, it's a huge life shift for me, but the world does keep turning and loved ones are going through their things too. It's incredibly important to talk about other things, to be there for others, to realize life is still out there waiting to be lived. It doesn't heal it all but, goodness, it's eye-opening.

Hoping to someday learn how to sit and be there for others to simply listen- I'm definitely not there yet. But I'm thankful to those who have that ability and are willing to share that gift with the world.

Journaling:

I know, I'm journaling quite a bit frequently and I should be out there living life like mentioned above and in earlier posts! Unfortunately, I've been under the weather for the past few days and it seems to be getting worse, so I'm hunkering down and waiting on a COVID home test to arrive. And, of course, when you're hunkering down, in between naps and absorbing various media, it's common to think about things a bit.

Right after my plant medicine retreat, I journaled here feeling so confident that this was for the best. As I taper down, I'm trying to maintain that feeling of confidence, that knowing, because as we all know- it's firetrucking hard. I was never big on horoscopes, but every interpretation keeps telling me the same thing. This is for the best; this is making room for something better in life. I simply need to trust the process and surrender.

Which is not easy for me at all, but I've been making changes and shifting my focus inward. I've been working on building my self-trust, and in little ways, embodying what I would want from my partner. Giving myself grace, challenging myself to explore outside my comfort zone in ways I'm open to, listening and acknowledging my needs, treating myself with respect, and prioritizing myself. Starting off small, but loving where it's going.

I had a little contact with the MLCer earlier this week, but used the rule of three and responded calmly to what I felt warranted a response. And even though this was a little win for me, I find myself cycling a bit- his words seem so sure. But then I recall the following:

• A few days before BD2, he told me he didn't know what he wanted and what would make him happy. Not knowing the context at the time, I told him it made sense he had to figure himself out before he could commit to our relationship. He agreed... and then BD2. So as much as it sounds like they know what they're doing- they don't.
• When I went back to pack up my things, it was clear OW2 had moved some of her things in and had been there for a little while at least. Although he tried to cover it up to make it seem like he stayed in the home himself, it was clear that was not the case. It's not all sunshine, daisies, and glittery magic rainbows no matter what they say. The place had started to become a glorified mess. I was just thankful to get the hell out.
• A couple of weeks before BD2, I had asked him again if he wanted me to be the "bad guy" and pull the plug on our relationship. (I know, pressure, but I hadn't come across HS yet.) I specified that I wanted him to tell me what he wanted, not what he thought I wanted to hear. He said he did not want me to pull the plug, and thanked me for phrasing it that way because he was having trouble thinking that way. Now, I don't know if that was still him or if it was sneaky monster- it felt like him, if that helps. But to me it feels like he's now fully into the "saying and doing what others want me to say and do to just get through the day" mode. That's how his relationship is with his mom to a T. And it seems like he's doing the same with OW2 in a sense- soon after I moved out, he started really gunning for the divorce. He had told me not that long ago he didn't know what he wanted- you don't go from unbelievably confused to unbelievably "confident" that fast, at least not without a little help.
• I don't remember who said it, but someone on this forum was providing guidance and shared (in not so many words) "the MLCer, if engaged with an OP, will be faced with the decision of choosing between their spouse or the OP. And when they inevitably make the wrong choice-" It's terrible and it's gut-wrenching, but I also laugh at this every time. Because it's firetrucking script. And I need to let him fall on his face.

Does it suck that this is all happening and happening so fast? 100%. Does it bother me that he's basically succumbing to the demands of some other person just because he's addicted to the feeling of fake happiness/isn't currently strong enough to fight even if he did have clarity? You betcha. But I need to trust in the universe and the process. I have no control over the outcome, but I do have control over my minute-by-minute actions. I have the option to get out of this bubble and live life the best I can. And I fully intend to when I'm back up and running, I promise.

Apologies for the epic saga- sometimes you just need to get your thoughts out, you know? Now it's back to resting and recuperating. Wishing everyone a great and healing week.