[xyzcf]

Everything hurts, every new bit of information breaks us apart. We are traumatized deeply by the rejection, abandonment and betrayal.

The card that you found, other things ...you are thinking he left it there on purpose for you to find. Once in a crisis, they are not thinking logically.
But our brains interpret things in a way that may or may not be real.

I thought he was a good guy but maybe he was just unhappy with me and our relationship like he claims.

Maybe he truly is that good of an actor.

When I was questioning like you are, as all of us do a friend said to me:
"xyzcf, what food do you absoultely despise?" I responded "liver and onions"...she said "so would you eat liver and onions everyday for 30 years if you despised it?"

I’m really trying to see that this is in no way about me- even my IC firmly told me during our last session. But I’m so stuck on what if this isn’t MLC?

Whether it is MLC or not doesn't matter, the reality is the same. Your marriage is gone, he is gone. Perhaps thinking that it is MLC gives you more hope that he could return someday? That he will get through the crisis and come home and it will be ok once more.

Along with all the other fears that we face, the fear that this is truly over is extremely difficult to accept.

None of this is our choice and we did nothing to cause this.

I think it's a real internal response that the idea of another woman causes a rage inside us..it does for me and I never considered myself a "jealous" person but this makes my blood boil.

When I found myself again, after many years of therapy and hard work, I understood that I was who I was, and that was a really good wife and partner...those years we had together were really good ones .......my memories do not lie.

Time will help to ease these intense feelings...this is loss, this is grief and someone recently wrote on HS about how if he had died, we would be offered much different support, and there would be an "end"...a real physical "end"......our family and friends don't comprehend, they do not know how much we are destroyed by their leaving, society thinks we just need to move on...find a "better" man.....

As you can tell from the people responding to you...we understand how you are feeling. It seems impossible but bit by little bit, you will get better and life will be different but also can be very beautiful.

If one day, he wants to come back, and the LBSer gets to choose because you get to decide if at that point you want him back...that will be a great deal of hard work as well.

I have never had an apology from him and I see him quite frequently. He's so unable to face me on the ending of our marriage, that 9 years after we separated, he sent me a text message informing me that he had filed for divorce....now we have always had contact, he's never vanished from my life...so he could have told me in person.....a text message?

He continues to have no ability to show empathy or compassion..that part of his is gone or buried or as he says, he's really good at compartmentalizing...and so I see this man who still isn't at all in touch with who he is..15 years later....and I feel sorry for him.

For as much as I feel pain, I also feel excitement and joy and I don't think those in crisis experience feelings. You see it in their lifeless eyes, in their body language...what a way to live.

It's hard to imagine at this moment, but you will be ok...different...but you will be ok.

[MadLuv]

Who was unfaithful here? He was and is. So, don’t lose sight of that. No matter the reason. I think you can look back at cards and events and think they now meant nothing, but just know that someone who is insecure with no firm identity uses whatever they have in their arsenal. What worked before they will use again. This is part also of love bombing which most MLCers are notorious for. My XH told me once I hope I can become someone you will be proud of again. I then found a message to one of his OW he said the same. I was gutted. Now, I realize it had nothing to do with me or her. I think he was talking to himself and his deep wounds from his mother.  I’m neither loopy or generous. I just have now seen it all and after more than a decade I understand more than ever that it is THEM. We all have things to address, but you dont hurt and deceive people to do it.

[Treasur]

Glad you have reached out for legal guidance, well done. 👏

Imho this is one of those life experiences that tends to challenge some of our old ways of thinking and some of our deepest beliefs and values. That’s not easy, but it can be pretty fruitful. And what we see as admirable and what we aspire to and what we decide is acceotable in how others behave towards us and what is not. As my gran used to say imho ‘pretty is as pretty does’….and being an ow (or an unfaithful spouse) is not pretty.

It takes all of us a goodly bit of time to really get that other peoples’ thoughts, feelings and actions have almost nothing to do with us bc we have usually been brought up to believe they do. And by marrying, we believe we have signed up to be a team where it should. But tbh it often isn’t as true as we might think….most of what we do, most of how we feel it is ok to behave, is bc it suits us or affirms values we have. And disordered folks, and broken folks, are even more self-focused than normal folks imho.

Let’s assume for a moment that your h came to feel that your marriage was no longer what he wanted….how would a good guy deal with that, do you think? And does what he has done look like that? My h didn’t take that path and he could have done….why? Bc he found it easier not to. Bc he told himself a story in which he was the hero, ow the answer and I did not matter much. Or I was the evil villain lol.

None of that changed the reality that my marriage blew up bc he blew it up. He loved and valued me…until he didn’t…and that was how he chose to deal with how he felt at the time. I am not a mind reader and he/ow did some seriously weird s$it so I couldn’t tell you even now if it was MLC or not….tbh I see MLC more as shorthand for a kind of all round ‘cheese slid off the cracker’ thing. 😜 Whether I call it MLC or not did not change one jot of the reality of what I was dealing with. And as I didn’t cause whatever it was, I couldn’t do anything about it practically speaking. I only know that I could not have done most of what he did (let alone all the things I didn’t know about, ha ha) bc I am not wired that way and he/our relationship mattered to me.

In case it helps, my then h and ow posted a whole spiel on social media about their twu lurve and upcoming wedding with their wedding planner. While he was still legally married to me and denying ow’s existence to both me and his own lawyer, of course. And in it, my/our marriage and two decades together were described as ‘a meaningless prelude’…..which of course was like a punch in the face as I’m sure the ‘anonymous’ sender intended it to be lol. Maybe I should change my tag name or get a t-shirt made 😜

It’s all BS blah blah, of course. Not about you, not intended for you, not telling your story. And life gets easier when you can unhook your sense of you and your life from somebody else’s story.

[KayDee]

.After lying to everyone, cheating for over a year (I’m now thinking it could have been closer to 1.5-2 years to count potential EA and PA), then try to force me from our shared home… there’s no coming back from that. I just don’t see it. When you dive so deep into a mistake that big, to create that much chaos, how can someone perform and touch and go? How can someone try to reconcile?

I think, in a way, this might be you speaking to your future self about this. About what you will be able to 'come back' from. What you will be able to swallow. We all have pretty horrendous lists like this. We all slowly shift our thinking as we move forward towards healing ourselves. As is oft said here, we are the tortoise in the proverbial tortoise and hare race. As a great poster here once wrote - we pay up front and in full. They, the crisis person, pays in installments. It perhaps seems cold comfort as we go through the fires of hell, but I believe most of us eventually burn through what we need to burn - we collapse, cry, yell in the shower, hide under the covers, but most of us here have felt all our feelings. I can't think of one person that chose to run away or avoid their feelings. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will be healed or well on the way to healing, before your H can even look up to survey the damage.

Please don't blame yourself. Ask yourself this - IF you were unhappy with your H, what would you do? Would you have a 12 month long affair, pretend to be a 'supportive partner' to someone else (I mean, WTF? how is that not a massive contradiction - he is neither support to you, or HER), all the while lie to him continually, by which you deny him the chance to make informed decisions about his own life, then kick him to the curb by blaming him for the marriage not working, when really you weren't even trying because you were having an affair and then kick him out of his home? YOU have not done these things. He has, and it says everything about him, and nothing about you. And as to the OW earning more money or having a nicer bottom or whatever - she is a person who thinks a 'supportive partner' is a man who gives her dribs and drabs and is a proven liar. If she settles for this, then, well - I feel sad for her really. She must not think she is worth more.

As to crisis or sociopath, try, if you can, to take your mind off this. Time will reveal more to you, for now, you truly need to focus on you. Muster the troops of friends and family. Be with those you trust. ((((hugs))))

[Flummoxed]

Thank you xyzcf, MadLuv, Treasur, and KayDee. Truly. I moved up my flight and am heading back home soon. Home to my family. Honestly, yeah, I really did want to hope he would make his mistakes, crash and burn, and get through the other side healed and try to reconcile. I’ve been having those daydreams for sure. I’ve been wishing he really did think of me when he isn’t in his potentially manic state and felt guilt and shame about it all. I was building hope when reading the recovered MLC threads.

You all are right- whatever the label, it doesn’t reduce the pain I’m experiencing or the destruction he’s caused. No, a decent human would not have done any of those things. I personally would not have done those things, and it’s hard for my mind to work like that. To understand.

I think something else has happened in June of this year. I don’t want to know but I feel like I’ll find out. I got a sympathetic text from a mutual friend but I didn’t know what it was about. It is likely they’ve taken the next step- why else would she agree to move across the country to live with him? It’s bizarre, because we were also still married in June. He texted me acting like we were divorced as of December 2023, which just simply isn’t true. He tried to follow some local sneaky separation rule- I don’t understand it. Just tell me so we can both live our lives. Truly, why hold me in place while you woo and firetruck someone else? I’m trying to remember whatever is going on there isn’t the equivalent of what we had- because he’s not the same person and simply has no empathy or feelings. So, truly, how supportive and caring can he actually be?

I really am trying to pick myself out of this mess. This mess has nothing to do with me- it’s their chaos. It hurts and I’m numb- will likely be back on the rollercoaster for some time. But I’m working on it like a true tortoise. I grabbed the card- my mom asked I bring it over as well. Likely will dispose of it along with its terrible energy.

[MadLuv]

I truly believe the only way to get through this is to feel all the pain. Enjoy the visit and comfort of family.  This is a slow healing process and as many before me said and it is so true that only time heals. Unfortunately. Ugh, but each day you are further.

You know what else really helped me was that his values, morals, character and integrity now did not match mine. Those are crucial in a relationship. When XH told me you will never be able to look at me the same. He was absolutely right, but it took time to see it.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, MadLuv. As much as it pains me to agree, just because I want to get over it and not be associated with this anymore, it will take time. But at least I didn’t go catatonic like I did during BD2, which is good. Some nausea and general spiraling, but at least I’m able to move and get things done while I wait for my flight.

You’re so right. Our morals, values, character, and integrity simply do not align. They used to, but of course, with this seemingly out of nowhere flip, I don’t want to be associated with this person. He’s disgusting. If this is who he wants to be, by all means, have at it. I’m through.

[Flummoxed]

My mom did some sleuthing, against my wishes, and thinks she found her. Confirmed they work together. She looks normal, not like an evil beast or clear AD. But they’re both damaged people, so maybe that’s enough to consider it an affair down.

He is not the man I married. I do not know who this is. I need to work on letting this stranger go.

[MadLuv]

My XH new OW/ wife is an affair down in every aspect, but just know that she could be a beauty queen and the fact alone she is with someone that was not available pretty much says it all. I also think that these OW/OM accept these men and women that are causing so much pain to people that were a major part of their life. The glaring RED flags are beyond!!  What normal person would want them?

[Flummoxed]

100%- thanks, MadLuv, for the added perspective! Truly, who would and what makes them think it won’t happen to them?

Reminding myself that he’s now a stranger, that I gotta just let go. Because I certainly don’t want him in my life as he is, so this isn’t actually a loss for me but a clearing of a rocky path.